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vegitarianslayer

Long story that might be considered funny. i hate gophers

vegitarianslayer
15 years ago

SOOOooooooooo,

last few days i have been very angry because

1. my bhut seedlings have suffered a 50% mortality rate (all my damn fault)

2. my lower crop (45 pepper plants) has suffered a 75% mortality rate (gophers)

3. my upper crop (95 pepper plants) have suffered a 10% mortality rate (gophers)

4. my table crop (37 pepper plants) have suffered a 5% mortality rate (birds)

5. my experiment with the topsy turvy tomato planter has yielded 1, 1 1/2 inch tomato after 4 months.

6. my hydroponics system works amazing even after i quit checking the ph for the past month and i spend all my time in the dirt with my peppers grrrrr

7. my 52 ft pine tree has succumbed to bark beetle.

so there i am, washing up after cooking an amazing hot pepper stir-fry in my kitchen. its my day off, no stress, feeling rather happy. i have had a few cocktails, my girlfriend is happy with my attempt at making her a vegitarian meal, all is well.

as i sip at my sailor and coke, gazing at my upper pepper crop from my kitchen window sublimly content in my being...............................................

wait,................... what the hell was that?????

why did my hybrid jal just move???.....

WTF????? wait (looks at trees) no wind... what the?.....

why is my jal shaking??????

wait why is my jal the only plant moving??????????

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT FRESH DIRT AROUND MY JAL?!?!?!?!?!?!?

GOPHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!

down flys my cocktail as i scream an huge 12 letter explitive and go running out of the house to my garden.

(here is where i should probably explain that because its my lazy lazy day off im still in PJ's and my hair looks like some wierd version of flock of seagulls meets ministry when Al Jorgenson looked like a new age priest.)

and i grab the machete that i have been using to clear brush and start wildly stabbing into the ground where my beloved jal used to be and where i see fresh dirt whilst screaming the most vulgar explitives untill im winded, and look up into the kitchen window to see my girlfriend looking out at me, holding her cocktail with the expression of someone who is slightly amused and yet worried at the same time.

i then grab the garden hose and laughing maniacally shove the hose into the now unearthed entrance to the gopher lair, to unleash the drowning waters of my fury...........

after i calmed down and valiantly took cuttings of of the now felled jal, my girlfriend tells me that maybe i over-reacted. nonsense i tell her beliving that i have once again defied nature and proven that as a human i control all.

a few hours later i stand in my kitchen sipping another sailor and coke reviling in my victory over the mighty gopher, when...........

damn...........

freshly upturned dirt............

Sigh..........

The gophers win again...............

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