This story keeps coming back. It may annoy some people, others may find it funny.

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GOD AND ST. FRANCIS DISCUSSING LAWNS

GOD: Francis, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect, no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiplywith abandon. The nectar from the long lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But all I see are these green rectangles.

ST. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers "weeds" and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

GOD: Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it-sometimes twice a week.

GOD: They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS: No Sir. Just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

GOD: Now let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS: Yes, Sir.

GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life.

ST. FRANCIS: You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

GOD: No. What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter and to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

GOD: And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

GOD: Enough. I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have they scheduled for us tonight?"

ST. CATHERINE: "Dumb and Dumber", Lord. It's a really stupid movie about.....

GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.

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Claire

OK, I'm laughing out loud. Think I'll have to send this to a few people--or more. Wish I had something great to share, garden-y or not.

Claire,
I've never read that before! You gotta love it!

I suppose we could segue from that to Marvelous Compost Bin.

Claire (who has a LOT of bookmarks)

Claire, could anything be truer! [g] And I liked the sillimation. I'm glad someone has bookmarks. I don't know how you find them, but keep them coming. :-)

One more:

This is an old thread from Garden Web (I'm not sure which forum) that I saved years ago. The thread was pulled after the last post - probably by Spike who was trying around then to keep serious and conversational posts separate.

I deleted the email addresses - this was before the GW Member Pages were established so real email addresses were shown.

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Voracious banana slugs in the northeast!

Posted by Ted - Maine - 4b on Sat, Apr 1, 00 at 18:59

I woke up this morning and went out to check on my primroses. To my horror, they were nearly all gone! After checking around the bed for a while, I discovered two *enormous* yellow slugs slinking away. At six inches long, they're about twice the size of any slug I've seen before!

Could these be banana slugs? I've heard horror stories about the way they gobble up perennials.

I thought they only bothered gardeners in the Pacific NW, but with global warming, we've been having some unusually mild winters lately in the Northeast. Maybe we're due for an invasion of banana slugs?

Here is a link that might be useful: banana slug?

Follow-Up Postings:

RE: Voracious banana slugs in the northeast!

Posted by: Kerry on Sat, Apr 1, 00 at 21:03

OH dear, they are spreading, these slugs are usually huge and are a puke green to very dirty yellow looking and have dark green to brown spots on them. There are many ways to get rid of them, on it to take you salt shaker out with you to the garden and sprinkle them liberally, when i say liberally i mean it! They have a tendancy to slough off a layer of slime that has been salted and get away, those little buggers, another way, a little more wierd is to put cheap beer in a wider saucer, they LOVE beer and will go into the saucer and drown, and the beer kills them anyway if the drowning doesn't. So keep up the fight, and I hope you win,

by the way i heard sprinkling salt around the area keeps them annoyed also.
good luck,
Kerry

RE: Delicious banana slugs in the northeast!

Posted by: Karen in Toronto - 6a on Mon, Apr 3, 00 at 12:07

Ted and Kerry, since you know that beer attracts slugs, you might be interested in learning that salt, while killing the banana slugs, also makes a very good seasoning for them. While visiting a friend down south (Leamington, Ontario), we had a very tasty meal of banana slugs, dredged in coarse sea salt, dipped in beer batter, and deep-fried.

They taste kinda like zucchini.

PS - the above story is not true. I don't eat deep-fried food.

PPS - Good one, Ted!!

RE: Delicious banana slugs in the northeast!

Posted by: Ted - Maine - 4b on Mon, Apr 3, 00 at 16:36

I like the "coarse sea salt" touch. Also, it stands to reason they *would* taste like zucchini . . .

RE: Voracious banana slugs in the northeast!

Posted by: chris on Tue, Apr 4, 00 at 18:52

Hi, just a brief note, don't go haywire with that salt! I did last year. It killed the slugs. it also killed my lettuce, all of it. I have heard vinegar is another way to get rid of them, however don't know the results on lettuce!
ick. Slugs are my most favorite enemy now. Who'd ever think I'd hate a bug? mollusk, whatever, that much!

RE: Voracious banana slugs in the northeast!

Posted by: Nancy - PNW on Wed, Apr 5, 00 at 0:24

If you have kids they can be a great help in slug correction. I invented the "Slug-a-pult" for their removal. It consists of a slender bamboo rod, as long as the person is tall. Secure the slug onto the pointed end, then carefully lift it up and back, so that by whipping the bamboo forward, the slug is flung 100 yards or so.
Kids enjoy the competition of seeing who can fling their slug the farthest. There may be a problem if you have neighbors.

RE: Voracious banana slugs in the northeast!

Posted by: Nadine NY5 on Wed, Apr 5, 00 at 7:42

Vinegar with lettuce sounds like instant salad. Add some olive oil, and you're all set!

RE: Voracious banana slugs in the northeast!

Posted by: Jan - 7 on Wed, Apr 5, 00 at 21:14

LOL!!!! But seriously, there's a product called Snarol, a powder, I used it last year on the strawberries because the slugs were eating them.. It had to be re-applied after rain. Also, I was told (but never tried) that
slugs hate pain, and you can create a "barrier" by spreading that gravel sold for fish-tanks around your plants.

RE: Voracious banana slugs in the northeast!

Posted by: The Slug - 6a on Thu, Apr 6, 00 at 12:09

You people kill me.

Signed,
The Slug

RE: Voracious banana slugs in the northeast!

Posted by: Beverly VA N 5a6b - Shenandoah Valley on Fri, Apr 7, 00 at 0:32

Just stumbled on this web page that you all may find interesting. It recommends killing slugs with vinegar.

Here is a link that might be useful: Slugs and Vinegar

RE: Voracious banana slugs in the northeast!

Posted by: Rhonda - 7 on Fri, Apr 7, 00 at 22:04

I had to smile when I read this, the only memory I have of San Francisco I have is one of the huge banana slugs in a Japanese botanical gardens there. Luckally we didn't have them in Atascadero, where I grew up.

Thanks for the memory.
Rhonda

RE: Voracious banana slugs in the northeast!

Posted by: Claire - MA 6b on Fri, Apr 7, 00 at 22:13

Banana slugs can also be dried for future culinary use. I find the easiest way to dry them is to hang them from the branches of any smallish tree. If you choose the brightest yellow slugs, you get a good facsimile of a golden chain tree with the slugs dangling down. When they're fully dried, you can harvest them whenever you need a quick, nutritious meal.

Claire
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