My cousins'only daughter died today of an aneurism, at 31. Your advice is good for me. I wrote him with the help of Hafiz; My sister.. "just gave me your sad news. It breaks my heart and I don't have a clue as to the comforting thing to say. I suspect there isn't much I can say and if I get started chances are I'll make you feel worse than you already do and I can only imagine what that is. Thirty-one years is simply not enough. Not for her and not for her children and certainly not for her Daddy. Yet with all the years we've been given, have we done so much more or better? It is the quality of the committment, how much you bring to the table that measures your life. I didn't know your girl, but knowing you I'm sure she gave it all she had. And the wish that we all have is that the world is better for us being here was most likely answered well. I can only send you my love." What is the key to untie the knot of your mind's suffering? What is the esoteric secret To slay the crazed one whom each of us Did wed And who can ruin Our heart's and eye's exquisite tender Landscape? Hafiz has found Two emerald words that restored me That I now cling to as I would sacred Tresses of my Beloved's Hair: Act great. My dear, always act great. What is the key To untie the knot of the mind's suffering? Benevolent thought, sound And movement. ******* How did the rose Ever open its heart and give to this world All its Beauty? It felt the encouragement of light Against its Being. Otherwise, We all remain Too Frightened. --Hafiz "I imagine a lot of people are going to require a great deal from you right now. You won't always have the words. You may have to put your own grief on hold for awhile, as you tend to your family. I don't envy you this time but so much can come from it if you pay close attention. I am sending you all my love and blessings for the courage and strength you may need." --your cousin The book sounds good. la

I've seen that old crone at my house too. At first I assumed she was a visitor and was just overstaying her time with me like it was in my young days when there always seemed to be a relative or friend or someone extra living in our house. But I have no room here for anyone else, so hope she'll be moving on. Her eyebrows are turning stringy because if she spots an alien white brow it is death by tweezers immediately. She also complains about not finding a good hair dresser in this area, so is letting her hair grow long to wear in a French Twist even though her shoulders hurt like the devil when she has to reach behind her neck like that. The growing out period looks scraggly and is hot on the back of her neck, but she ignored me when I mentioned that. Hardheaded type. She's worn a path between my bed and the bathroom because of a diuretic she has to take for her cute puffy ankles. Her very active IBS is another gross and constantly embarrassing story, and has a way of running her life and causing the extra expense of keeping abundant toilet tissue on hand. She is searching the area for a farrier blacksmith type who would be abler to hack her iron toenails to an acceptable length. She is unable to cut them herself as the process of bending over to reach her feet simply releases the act of "shooting bunnies" to the nth degree. In that area, I try to keep away from her at the food market because she calmly and consistently "shoots bunnies" up and down the aisles, and then pretends to be completely unaware and certainly not responsible. No apologies made. In all fairness I must say the ole' bag has a wonderful sense of humor and can laugh easily at herself as well as at me. She still enjoys looking at men - younger, of course, - drooling a bit - and enjoys thinking how nice it would be to have just some nice, dry smooching once more. Is that a crime? If so, she really doesn't give a damn.

Be careful because it sounds like it might not be a healthy relationship for you. If you are or have been acting or talking in ways 'just to make her happy' that's usually a good sign that something is not well with the relationship dynamic. Spend some time on yourself, writing or just thinking about why that felt necessary or was just automatic on your part. This is important because sometimes other people have internal problems which cause them to feel and to act in an unstable manner. That can cause the people in their lives to 'have' to do and say things just to make them happy because that's when they act most stable. Unless you were and are actually within her relationship, what goes on between her and her boyfriend is not something you can know from direct experience. You are mostly dependent on what she or what he tells you occurs, and people are not usually able to be objective about issues that cause them personal pain or great emotion of any kind. The same kind of thing is true in her relationship with her mother. People are usually on 'different' behaviour when there are guests or observers present. They might act better or worse, or just more self-consciously but there is usually an effective change of some kind. Some people can't differentiate their subjective experience of pain (or other negative emotion) and anger. All their 'negative' stuff goes into their category for anger, and they act and react however they express their anger. Irritability can result which is nonspecific but which tends to veer into anger expression at or on others. People in this boat can require good, effective professional help to assist them in regaining self-control and learning new means of expression. Some people have disorders which prevent them from just developing or having, or maybe even being able to naturally have a basic stable feeling and possibility for inner stillness. The different varieties of bipolar disorders can be associated with outward and inward instability for people. Outwardly, they can appear very emotionally immature and variously 'over depressed' for the circumstances or 'over excited' or 'over enthused' and nearly never just relaxed and 'normal.' Borderline personality disorder is also something which can lead to inner (and be reflected in outer) instability. People who have this disorder may be biologically/genetically hard-wired to be hyper-reactive emotionally to the point that any stress throws them hard. These kinds of problems can be reflective of biochemical imbalances and probably the people affected would also need some professional guidance and support (and ongoing maintenance) to experience biochemical stability and to unlearn/relearn more adaptive strategies for expressing emotions and for reacting to stress. The big point with serious internal issues that require more than just friendship and more than just loving support is that they may not show symptoms until a person is an adolescent or young adult. It is not the case, for example that every adolescent who acts out sexually and who seems to hold excessively grandiose ideas of themself and their abilities is experiencing a manic episode. But, those kinds of things (as well as other kinds of 'self-destructive' but 'feel good' individual activities) can be symptoms of a manic episode. Developmentally, people require the changes of puberty to be able to feel their 'adult' feelings and to possibly be able to think more like an 'adult.' That new experience is, by definition going to bring with it some degree of normal turmoil as the person has internal changes. Sometimes though, adolescents or young adults do have more serious problems which lead to symptoms which will reflect an internal instability that cannot just be 'fixed' or 'cured' with time/maturity/love/. The trap is that you can't know if you get through, even a little bit. You have to take that on faith based on what the person says and how they seem to act in response. And, even if you do get through, the success will be for the other person to experience as their life is hopefully enhanced and less stressful. No one is perfect because it's not possible to be both human and perfect. It is important to keep in mind though, that some forms 'imperfection' may take are much more problematic in terms of forming and maintaining healthy adult relationships. Some forms of 'imperfection' can be no one's fault but can be very problematic for individuals and for society. Make sure to give serious assessment to what kinds of things are glossed over by '... but no one's perfect' or '...but anyone in my position would do (whatever) too...' Mothers, generally want what is best for their children even when those children become adults and even when their children might disagree with what 'best' is. Is it 'best' to tell people what they want to hear to make them happy? (sometimes of course, this can be life-saving; but sometimes it can also support illness or maladaptive behaviour). Her mother probably knows about the incident with the boyfriend and has an idea of the kind of pain it caused and maybe still causes for her daughter. She may not have a healthy relationship with her daughter, but it might be functionally impossible and unrealistic for her to just naturally dismiss any misgivings or anger at the person who hurt her child in order to give an appearance of support for a relationship that might have some good aspects or possible good potential. Cars are not the measure of a man. They might be a kind of external marker for things like being able to afford and maintain a car, and something like a responsible driving record. They can also have been gifts, or belong to parents or others, or the guy may not even be driving it legally. This is the be careful of the 'greener' grass because sometimes it's astroturf or painted and not even what it looked like. What kind of relationship partner does she want (in terms of traits they have); what kind of relationship partner does she not want (in terms of traits they have); and is she ready herself for that kind of relationship, with that kind of person? As to the guy she is with, is it reasonable that he could be that relationship partner for her? It's important to keep this 'reasonable' in terms of speculation because a lot of times people want to imagine unlimited human potential which implies that anyone can be literally anything. It can get out of hand in the same way the defense of '...but we're all imperfect' can. I'm not sure 'most' men overall act in those stereotyped ways. Some do, possibly; and maybe they learned it from their upbringing or maybe they have some other thing going on with them internally that prevented the upbringing efforts of their parents, or mother. Some men don't. Some men are very neat, and will clean up after themselves and others. Some men are not and don't want to be 'flashy' or drive around in impressive cars. There are as many different types of men in the world as there are types of women and natural human variety is extensive. The problem with the concept of 'I chose him and I can unchoose him' is that it is very narcissistic and on the face of it kind of emotionally coercive even if it seems true or like a good line to use agressively in argument. It isn't really compatible with having an egalitarian relationship (that's neither here nor there unless she actually wants to have an egalitarian relationship with her partner). As a developmental step, going straight from parental dependence to trying to have a relationship may ignore the intermediate step of learning how to be independent herself. That kind of leap predisposes her to a kind of dependent role, or to base her relationship expectations on what she did or had when she was living with her parents. That's going to create all kinds of unreal expectations and result in a lot of personal growth (and the pains that come with that). People who have no experience yet are bound to make some 'bad' judgements about themselves and others. The 'bad' is a matter of degree however and some women never have the problematic experiences of others. The key is to recognize when the 'bad' is indicative of a serious enough problem (or problems) that a relationship should be ended entirely --not whether to jump the relationship ship to try out someone new; or whether to use that as an internal or expressed threat. it's still a dangerous by definition situation to get or stay in a relationship with someone who aparently feels or acts in pain and anger but who seems to have an 'unrealistic' view of life or consequences; be careful

slightly OT but still in the spirit of things: for over 20 years we lived in the converted carriage house of an 1886 Queen Anne brick house. The living room was on the second floor as it formerly was the hayloft, a huge room but awkward as it was roughly 25 feet long and 14 feet wide. There was a wonderful window (12 ft x 12ft) with an arched top in the middle of the long wall and the ceiling was 14 feet tall. It just begged for a truly enormous REAL Christmas tree, which we did for all those years. Now, mind you, I was in my 30s then, able to leap tall buildings -- well, at least able to climb my great-aunt's borrowed 12-ft ladder to hang ornaments on those 12-foot trees. The most difficult thing to do was to get the naked tree up the enclosed circular inside stairs from the driveway. It took three men to do that job, usually (tho there was the one year when we had the wrapped tree waiting to be hauled up and told our teenaged son to wait til we got home -- typically, he proved his manliness by ignoring us and hauling it up all by himself proudly. At 41 and the papa of four, he is now mostly more sensible, thankfully, lol). Our Christmas tree in those days took me well over a week to decorate. I am very fussy about my tree, and am the sole decorator. Nobody seemed to mind, tho one year time ran out before I had finished the backside and my DH has never let me forget it ("did you do the back?" he still says. Humph to him, says I). The tree stayed up til at least Twelfth Night and had to be cut into pieces at that point to be removed and thrown out the large window -- no way to get it back down those narrow circular stairs. One spring during outdoor burning season, we burned some yard debris including the old tree, and it was most sobering to see how extremely fast a dry Christmas tree went up in flames. Now that I am past the desire and ability to decorate gi-normous trees, and having lost my enthusiasm for vacuuming their needles well into July (how DO they manage to still be lurking??) we have long had artificial trees. I mostly miss the wonderful fragrance, but this way I can keep them up longer and enjoy what Ginny said -- the loveliness of lights and color at this bleak time of darkness. And I meant what i said in my previous post. Thanks to my new faux tree I am definitely going to cover it and leave it for next year. Why try to improve on near-perfection, hmmm? =) I'll stop now. Enough already! Thank you for your kind indulgence.