Stop! My stomach hurts from laughing so much. LOLOLOL

Rita! How dare you send her here. She showed up at MY HOUSE today with her sweatshirt over her nightgown but she must have forgot the pants at your house. She did clean my toilet though, I'll give her that.

Bwaahahahah

Anne

theres no old lady here, just me. and oh yeah, my grandma, who looks at me through the mirror sometimes. but i like her...

anette

I was starting to think I may have been losing my mind thinking that joker was hanging around here. Nobody else would believe me. I always put my keys away in the same spot so I know where they are when needed. He's moving them. I keep my magnifiers in my pocket but he pulls them out and puts them on top of my head and often when I have a pair hanging off the end of my nose. The other day I wanted to pay some bills and that joker hid my checkbook for about 20 minutes. How he moves things from place to place without getting caught is beyond me. Occasionally, I hear the "toot tooting" behind me when I'm be walking around and try to blame the cats. It must be them, since they turn and run when that guy approaches me and I don't know if that guy eats nothing but hard boiled eggs and onions or what the deal is, but WHEW! do I have to keep a supply of air freshener around.

Then one day, I caught him. I often skip shaving when I have a few days off. The rustic look is good for most young guys. The "wild hair" look is appealing too, right? Well one day I thought he was awfully close as the "floors were squeeking" as my uncle used to say and I walked into the bathroom and there was that scraggly haired old goat with the gray beard! Caught ya!

I even figured out the guy's name. "Gaseous Gray"

Uh-oh, cynic, that sounds like the old man that's been following my DH around....although DH won't admit it...ha!

And, sable_ca, I have the same problem with handbags. I see some really nice ones and as soon as I "try them on" in the store, the old woman starts whispering in my ear that they aren't big enough...not enough pockets...zippered compartments...gotta have a place to keep those "private" things that you don't want every store clerk to see, or the grandkids when they go through your purse looking for gum. I don't know why she expects me to carry around a piece of luggage just for her and her needs...well, and for her old man's needs, too. Hey, maybe I'll get one of those small wheeled luggage pieces. That oughta do it!

Leslie/KS

Gosh....I'm a little late getting in here...but I wana tell you.....she's been here.....really.....I don't know how long she's been sneakin in and out of here....seems I chase her away on my better days...

She was here a couple of years ago and wanted me to take a ride with her....and the car died....she was in a panic because when a car with electric windows and locks and all those other bells and whistles dies...nothing works...
Can you believe she thought we were locked in there forever..."Help my car died and I can't get out..."

We won't even go there about those huge underware...or those bottles of L'Oreal she leaves sitting on the vanity.

Or those socks she wears that look like knee high girdles.

Or the big clunky shoes that are supposed to bring comfort...instead of the sexy look....

She was here earlier tonight after 6 hours of shopping with my daughter...I actually had to sit in my computer chair and nod off for about 20 mins to make her go away...

I'm sure she is going to make me fall out of my chair one of these days. And I'm sure gona be mad at her...

patti

Oh, patti, that was worth waiting for....you nodding off to make her go away...and being locked in the car like that...isn't that a "blonde" joke??? LOL!!

I think your old woman blinded you to this thread so she wouldn't be found out!

Leslie/KS

OMG! That ol' biddy is hanging out at my house too. She got rid of all my socks and cute shoes and replaced them with men's diabetic socks and "sensible" shoes (spells U-G-L-Y). She uses my female sanitary products for small diapers just in case she can't get her crippled @ss to the bathroom fast enough in the middle of the night. I can hear her bones popping when she stands up from across the room ... good grief, sometimes I think a gun went off! And yes, she has replaced my pretty panties with huge cotton ones but at least they are not all white. I guess I should be thankful for small favors. If that isn't bad enough, she seems to have a stinky duck for a pet! The damn little thing quacks all day and smells up the house! Does anyone know of a good exterminator?

use2bcapecodr, at least your old lady tries to be helpful by helping put up the Christmas decorations. Mine hid my Christmas decorations on me and refuses to tell me where they are! She has made it so difficult for me, that I have given up on finding them and I'm pretending to be Jewish this year. Hopefully I will find them by next Christmas but this old witch is very good at hiding stuff - she practices constantly around my house.

I am so glad I am not the only one putting up with that ol' battleaxe!

You naughty people have somehow sent that wretched woman all the way to Australia cuz she's been starting to lurk around my house and yard.

For three months I had to hear her moan about the tightness in her chest. She was becoming pretty frantic until she finally realized she needed to buy a bigger bra! No wonder she had chest pains! Ridiculous old woman can't even figure out her own body!

And she's started to follow me around the garden. She makes these pfsssstttt noises every time I bend over to weed. It's becoming very annoying.

And she moves things around the house. I know where I put everything but when I go to look for whatever, it's not where I left it. If it weren't for St Anthony I'd never find anything!

AND... this wicked woman has now started to glue random strands of short, thick hairs to my chin!!! Never mind where else I'm finding these hairs .... and men complain about ear hairs??... HA! What game is she playing??? I can't leave the house now without first checking my chin out in my magnifying mirror. This old woman is CRUEL!

So can ya'll just take her back to America and leave me in peace?
(this really is the funniest thread I've ever read!!! Thanks ya'll for the great laugh!)
Cait

Wasn't Australia once a big penal colony? Well, I think this old bag of wind needs to get banished to a big island somewhere and what better place than Australia! She has created enough havoc here in the States, I think it is about time we spread her joy around.

Speaking of pets ... my old lady seems to take a frog with her wherever she goes. I think she hides it in her massive brassiere. Sometimes she will be in the middle of a sentence and the damn frog will croak so loud the windows rattle. And if the damn frog isn't croakin' well then that stinky duck of hers is quacking up a storm! What nerve! Can I get her evicted for that?

THis thread had been cracking me up since it's inception. But the "stinky duck" did me IN! LOL! (Stinky duck has ben folowing me around, too.)

I hate to admit it, but I think she's been visiting me too. She especially likes to come with us when we go out to dinner. She's always tucking a few cookies in a napkin and putting them in her purse. She says she is "saving them for later"....oh, please...it's embarassing. And then once I caught her stashing a few sugar packets in her purse because she was getting low on them at the house and wasn't sure if she had enough energy to get to the store that day to buy any.....my goodness...my grandmother does that for crying out loud!

And then after dinner, I like to do a little shopping and she insists on coming along, but I don't know why she bothers because she is usually in the first bathroom she can find because her colon is working on overtime. For goodness sake, if that kind of food bothers her so much, why does she eat it?

I also think she has been impersonating me on the message boards because I will look at a thread that was written by me and there would be all these misspelled words in it. I was very good at spelling in school, so I know it wasn't me.

And I won't even go into all the weird noises that have been coming out of her body lately or the funny way she walks when she's been sitting too long. Thank goodness she doesn't hang around all day....that old bitty would drive me nuts!

Recently, I stayed with my DD and her new baby for a few days. We decided to give DH a call and she dialed the number, let it ring twice, and waited for him to call back. (That's what we do with our kids, because we have special rates.) Well, DD must've handed the phone to the old woman, because she put the phone to her ear, then asked, "When does it start ringing?" DD replied, with a wicked grin, "When he calls back!"

The old woman immediately disappeared and left me, flush- faced, holding the phone!

Take her! She's yours!

Leslie/KS

Hi everyone ~ I am visiting because of seeing this thread link posted in another forum. I laughed so hard right out loud and tears were streaming down my cheeks. That old lady lives here too, with her old man. We are trying to be kind, not too harsh, and laugh with them at their antics.

I really needed that yesterday morning. They say that laughter is good medicine and it sure is. I've posted the link to another forum and this thread is a hit. Good laughs for the holiday season which can be stressful.

Thank you ~ FlowerLady (who hangs out at Cottage Gardens, but saw this link at another forum yesterday when visiting there).

yep, I see the ugly old woman sneaking peeks at me in the mirror, but other than that-- I got to love her!
She has the courage to tell the other people in the house to do their own laundry. Sometimes she refuses to cook and suggest a good restaurant instead. And of course, she forgets her purse at home so someone else has to pay. She loves the excuse that she forgot to do something and when someone ask why it wasn't done, she tells them--this old woman is tired, you do it yourself. But best of all, she is old enough to sneak a peak at all the good looking men without someone accusing her to be a loose woman.
another good one is she can hug the grand kids, enjoy their visits, but send them home when she or they get tired. Montana_Jan

cait1, at least your old woman is lady like and only goes pfssssttttt. The old gal here is so rude, and just lets um rippp. Like a clap of rumbling thunder. My Mom calls them tree frogs. I call them bull frogs.
Leslie

I too have seen that old woman at my house, she really gets around! I was looking through my closet the other day trying to find an outfit to wear to my husbands Christmas party. I discovered that old woman had stolen all my nice outfits and replaced them with old lady clothes that I believe were made by "Omar the tent maker"!!

She's been here too. For years she has left reading glasses laying everywhere around the house and in the vehicles. Maybe she gets them at a discount by buying a dozen pairs at a time. She often folds them and hangs them from the top of her shirt, and then they fall off and she steps on them. I find them in the flower beds, and out by the dog houses...everywhere. She finally wised up it seems. She put one of those old lady eyeglass lanyards...(you know the ones, old lady librarians always wear them)on one pair. She says now she won't lose them, or rip her hair out anymore from perching them on her head. Boy, I always said I wouldn't be caught dead wearing one of those in public, but she doesn't seem to mind it.

She also must have gotten a new Tweeze (pronounced TweezEE), as I saw it on the vanity, and her mustache is gone...Thank Goodness!

I just returned home from CVS and saw her following me again. I'm out of breath from trying to out run her. She was wearing this light blue velour sweatsuit with a long winter coat and boots. She looked like she was in her PJ's. She had all these coupons in her hand along with the CVS flyer. It looked like she was canvasing the store for things on sale. She looked pathetic. Then I saw her reflection in the window adding up her purchases. I bet she was trying to find mistakes so she could get the item for free. She followed me out of the store and when I tried to run from her she started to chase me. That old bag can run....
Donna

bumping the old lady

Oh my gosh, I thought I was the only one who had that old lady in her house and an old man too. Dh and I try not to bother them too much, but darn, that woman won't let a silent ,polite, poot...she sounds like an atomic bomb and believe me they are weapons of mass destruction. She tried to blame the dogs, but it's so bad the dogs get caught in a bottleneck at the door making a fast getaway.
Those huge clothes she wears has no resembalnce to the hot pants and hip huggers I wore back in the day. Even the shoes she wears are a size larger than the ones I've worn most of my life and she has them all in my closet. I've heard her tell people " When you get as old as I am, you'll see what I'm talking about. " I know that couldn't be me.

DH talked to his doctor about the old man. He tried to get a half dose of Viagra for the old guy. It had nothing to do with romance. He's just trying to keep him from pi$$ing in his shoes.

Linda

I really don't know why I didn't read this before, but I'll tell ya, the tears are still rolling down my face!

That old lady came to my hse a few yrs ago during the nite--Darn, I woke up & stretched my arms & wondered what happened--duh, skin hanging everywhere--That was just the beginning--

Now, she hides my car in the parking lots---won't let me put the car in the garage (too close for comfort) makes my stomach talk all the time--getting nasty with customer service peeps--Brain LOSS (HEE HEE) & all of the above posts!!

Old age ain't for sissies---

Merry Christmas, or is it Happy Easter

Donna (^_^)

I'm bumping this up. I want a few more laughs.....You guys and gals are hilarious.

Linda

okay , that old woman is in Wis. now, I know she is here , I also seen her in my mirror , She has freckles I think or maybe they are just them old age spots, Make her go away , She brought big White underware with her too. and she has real
hairy legs. I don't like her either!

She visits me too, I get blamed for alot of things she does. She forgets where she parked her car and wanders around the parking lot, when someone comes up to her and asks her if she is lost she snaps at them " No!,I just like admiring these cars." Or, when she has eaten One too many a bean the night before and stands up in church to sing "How great Thou Art", the people behind her wish it hadn't been. She falls asleep watching t.v. and placed her Upper false teeth on my chest and I woke up to find my grandkids giggling. She's gotta go... But, when I look in the mirror she looks alot like me. Me thinks she is trying to steal my idenity.

I first noticed she'd moved in when I found all these dollar store magnifiers lyin around...THEIR EVERYWHERE!! Geesh,,,can she not see????

Must be a proliferation of all of these old gals (and guys) ...

... there's 139 of 'em, so far.

Where do they come from ... drop out of the sky?

Or, sort of appear full-blown, overnight ...

... like mushrroms?

ole joyful

I don't ususally post twice on the same thread, but I started reading it again and I have tears in my eyes. You guys are soooooooo funny.

Maybe you could take over writing for the late-night shows during the writer's strike!!!!

Thanks for making me smile today. (I need it!)

Donna

I saw her at a Christmas Party acting a fool...doing the "Sprinkler" and slapping her own big a$$. I think she had a little "nip" at the party.

Gayle

"It had nothing to do with romance. He's just trying to keep him from pi$$ing in his shoes. "

Linda....I almost didn't make it through reading that one...Denny and I laughed so hard I nearly puked. Ya got me coughing and choking...If I end up in ER from not being able to breath I'm telling them to send you the bill...LOL
Oh Lordy that is the funniest thing I've ever read...

I won't tell you what Denny said between trying to catch his breath between laughing and coughing...

patti

You go, Gayle. Shake it like you own it.
Ron

Ohhhh... Gayle! That's so funny and cute hippo!

ROFL... I don't know how many I've passed this onto already. I kept coming back for more laughs!

That crazy old bat. I caught her in my mud room this morning. She was standing there with a cabinet door open surveying the contents with a puzzled look on her face. I think she forgot what she went to the mud room for, so she just randomly opened a cabinet and decided to stand there until she remembered. *sigh*

It wasn't so bad when she just looked back at me in the mirror with those eyebrows that look like Andy Rooney's, but now she is telling those "I remember when" stories. The latest one was about her ability to do the "splits" with her cheerleader daughter and her friends and how amazed those little teenagers were! Lordy, I hope she doesn't decide to demonstrate how she did it! It will take a CRANE and at least six able-bodied construction workers to get her up off the floor!

After Flowerlady posted earlier, I've been checking the Cottage Garden forum Conversations....go there for more run-ins with the "old woman"....LOL!

If this thread has to die off, can we revive it after the Holidays? "She" is bound to create chaos even then, since she has no respect for propriety. I wouldn't be surprised to see her putting.....um..."white" placemats on our dinner tables!

rthummer, keep ahold of them teeth for Christmas Dinner.

Leslie/KS

Well, she is down South now.Just slipped right in without me knowing. She loves to play in my sewing room and delights in pulling all my fabrics out of the closet and just leaving it all over the floor for me to pick up.
The other day, I found where she had gotten my spool of quilting thread and cut tiny pieces off and left them all over the floor. Now she hides my scissors.
She has this thing for collards now and thinks she has to cook some every week. Really stinks the house up good. With her little "oh, excuse me's" now I have to keep a can of Lysol in every room. Never know when someone is going to drop by.
She is staying up late at night and leaves snack wrappers and watered down drinks in the living room. She is so lazy and doesnt help at all. Newspapers are all over the floor for me to pick up. It is no wonder I go to bed earlier and earlier. I am worn out from picking up after her.
The other day, she must have worn my old crocs because I couldnt find them. Guess she hasn't completely moved in, cause I havent seen any of her old lady panties yet.
I hope she moves on soon.
Barb

OK...As if her tendency to show up in mirrors and store window reflections wasn't enough, I was downloading photos off the digital camera and there she was in the background of a picture of ds working on a gingerbread train...A backside shot, no less. Yikes! (must've been wide angle!) She needs to fix her roots, too. Has she no pride? Those quick glimpses as I pass a window are temporary, but photos have a tendency to last and others may see them! Maybe I need a lesson in PhotoShop...

OMG These post are to much! tears of laughter .I have to ck out that other one too!

I've been looking for this to share with a cousin...so glad to have found it!

When I look in the mirror I see what will be how I look when I age, then I realize that's how I look NOW....

I've seen that old crone at my house too. At first I assumed she was a visitor and was just overstaying her time with me like it was in my young days when there always seemed to be a relative or friend or someone extra living in our house. But I have no room here for anyone else, so hope she'll be moving on.

Her eyebrows are turning stringy because if she spots an alien white brow it is death by tweezers immediately. She also complains about not finding a good hair dresser in this area, so is letting her hair grow long to wear in a French Twist even though her shoulders hurt like the devil when she has to reach behind her neck like that. The growing out period looks scraggly and is hot on the back of her neck, but she ignored me when I mentioned that. Hardheaded type.

She's worn a path between my bed and the bathroom because of a diuretic she has to take for her cute puffy ankles. Her very active IBS is another gross and constantly embarrassing story, and has a way of running her life and causing the extra expense of keeping abundant toilet tissue on hand.

She is searching the area for a farrier blacksmith type who would be abler to hack her iron toenails to an acceptable length. She is unable to cut them herself as the process of bending over to reach her feet simply releases the act of "shooting bunnies" to the nth degree.

In that area, I try to keep away from her at the food market because she calmly and consistently "shoots bunnies" up and down the aisles, and then pretends to be completely unaware and certainly not responsible. No apologies made.

In all fairness I must say the ole' bag has a wonderful sense of humor and can laugh easily at herself as well as at me. She still enjoys looking at men - younger, of course, - drooling a bit - and enjoys thinking how nice it would be to have just some nice, dry smooching once more. Is that a crime? If so, she really doesn't give a damn.

Don't know whether you folks' funnybone has grown ... or produced more groaning ... over the years ...

... and has it developed, or pretty well stayed the same?

I hadn't noticed the original dates, and was surprised to see my comment.

What with all of the ups and downs in getting the garden going, I'm finding the pants more constricting than I thought they were: need looser-hanging overalls, I guess - but mine have holes that I'd figured to fix, over winter ... and didn't get around to doing.

And some folks have been saying that I've lost weight, recently.

What with all of the ups and downs, I'm finding that I need an extra elastic around some of the underpants to keep them up where they're supposed to be.

Thanks for some good fun ... even if reiterated: sort of like wine, that improves with age?

ole joyfuelled

There must be many who have an old lady living in their house, and we haven't heard from them. Where are you? Please share her with us.

I looked in the mirror the other day and discovered that my aunt is living with us. Apparently she didn't feel very well that day, and her B****y Resting Face was pretty scary. She smiled and it got a little better, but she needs to do something about her hair and try to look less sickly.

This soon to be old lady isn't holding back. I say what I mean and feel. I'm having my say! Just like the Delaney Sisters!

That old bag showed up here too. Leaves the hairbrush full of white hair, looks like cobwebs. (shiver) Then she sits on a wood chair and releases gas so it sounds like bombs going off on the base (only louder!). I wish she'd go away, someone said I looked just like my mother, and I'm pretty sure they were seeing her. The old fart that lives here is talking about trading her in for a younger one, maybe 40? Isn't that how old I am? Jeeze... And all the notes she leaves around, forgets what they mean!

I've just remembered a card that I sent to my sister for her birthday. I wish I had a copy!

It was two women of 'some' age. The first was saying "just look at those two women over there. That's how we're going to look in 20 years!"

On the inside, she responds "Betty, that's a mirror!"

:)

lord...she put the dawn soap in the frig and the milk under the sink...WHAT AM I GONNA DO WITH HER???

I wish the old woman would leave our house. She is nothing but trouble! The other day, I was frantically looking for important items in my everyday purse and just about dug through the bottom and even looked through adjacent furniture in searching for them! That crafty old woman had put the items in my travel purse before my trip and just to confuse me, she didn't transfer them back into my regular bag when the trip was over! Truth is, she's shockingly lax at cleaning out purses - like is she ever going to use that 10 year old city bus ticket? Don't even mention the chin hair. I'm happy I don't have to deal with it. Dear Husband was driving with the old woman recently and the lovely sunshine pouring into the car lit up her single chin hair and it gleamed prominently in the bright rays. The old woman caused him to say, "I see by the hair on your chinny-chin-chin..." Not having scissors at hand, she just yanked the hair out. That's how long it was, she could actually grab it!

Then did she grab him? Like around the neck? The old lady here is a bit sensitive about chin hairs, and gets so tired of people wanting her to make food, day after day after day any more, that quippy mention of them would be good grounds for letting a loose-tongued, 'funny' DH fend for himself for a meal or three...

The old lady is also finding that most of her helpers have disappeared, and she actually has to do dishes and vacuum again! WHAT?! Isn't that what those younger people were for? It was character-building for them, after all. For her, not so much. The chores fight with her constant desire to have a nap... Which starts just after she gets up in the morning.