You could also call the funeral home to inquire. They might have ways to accomodate anyone with your concerns

Both good suggestions--thanks! I'm not yet used to being so needy. I came out of the hospital in December a lot more impaired than I was in October, when I was admitted.

Not to worry, I’d be very surprised if they don’t have ways to help. Hard to imagine they haven’t dealt with it before.

Are you going alone? If not, you could borrow (or rent) a transport chair so you have a place to sit that can be anywhere.

I have a walker that becomes a seat if I need it. People are usually accommodating whether I use my cane or walker.

I agree with the various options above, but also: Some families/cultures do have wakes, but in my experience wakes are not at the funeral home with a viewing; they're celebrations of memories held somewhere else, after or on another day than the viewing.

If there will also be a funeral or Celebration of Life not such a long drive away and/or at a more accessible place for you, I'd suggest nothing says you have to drive 2 hours round trip to be at a place that may not be easy for you to physically deal with.

If there will be another gathering, a "close friend" will accept your concern if you call to tell her that as you're still building up your strength, you don't want to take a chance with this first event for her husband.

If you do go, I'd suggest it better to take along a friend or family member as a backup, to help you deal with any physically difficult or challenging situations.

An older close relative of ours died about a year ago, and there was one event: a Celebration of Life and brunch at a nice restaurant. That morning, I woke up feeling unusually ill and “off.” The event required a three-hour round trip drive. I let my wife know and we agreed I should wait an hour or two before deciding to stay or go. I seemed to be getting worse as it got closer to the time to get dressed and ready to leave. I decided it was best not to go, both to avoid any discomfort during the long drives and also to avoid the possibility of making others sick. She passed along my regrets and best wishes to the people there. She said there were about 50 in attendance, most of them relatives, and everyone understood why I couldn’t wasn't there.

Your friends will understand should you decide it best for you to not go.

If you decide to go, i would aim for arriving sometime in the last hour. And when you arrive, you might ask a funeral home employee if you can ’break the line’ and be escorted toward the front to avoid having to stand in a line for a length of time. While most people don’t loke a ’line-breaker’ I am fairly certain most would understand when they see you using a cane. Don’t worry what others think.

And if you don’t go, which is fully understandable, I agree,your friends will understand. Perhaps you could even arrange a separate visit with them later to show your support and concern.

Thanks, everyone. Yes, I think sometime in the last hour might be the way to go. I'll be by myself. While I'm sure the family would understand if I were absent, and I'll definitely have a visit with the widow soon, her siblings and two of her kids live out of state and this is a rare opportunity to see them and express my condolances in person.

My cane isn't the only thing people will notice . . . these days I'm bent over like an old crone! This is especially true late in the day, when gravity takes its toll. Driving doesn't help either.

Recently it seems around here that more and more celebrations of life have replaced traditional visitations/funerals. I usually skip the visitations/funerals unless I or my wife were close to the deceased or their family.

My experience has been similar and it's been for a good while, not just recently. I think one reason is that as active religious participation wanes, the decedent and their family don't have a specific church or other religious location that's an automatic default site to use for a ceremony. Another reason is perhaps because of our increasingly mobile society, those who might be invited and wish to attend an event no longer all live right down the street or across town. People need time to plan an unexpected trip.

What I see happening more often than not is that there will be a graveside or cryptside service for close family and selected close friends who are able to be present within days or one week after the death. And then a Celebration of Life with a longer invitee list that may be one month or even later afterwards.

I'm sorry for your loss.

At every funeral home visitation I've attended, the deceased is at the front of a large room full of rows of chairs. The family mills around, visiting with guests, who are welcome to go up to the casket - or not. Sometimes there is a line of folks waiting to get close to the casket, but as someone else said, you can sit and wait until the line goes down.

Sometimes a few family members are staked out by the door to welcome people in, but no one is forced to wait outside until it's "their turn" - they simply go around, and wait until the family members are free (this is especially true on especially hot or cold days).

I won't be going up to the casket. I never got over that experience when I was 9 years old and my mother died.

When my daughter Jill died, the only gathering my friends and I put together was what we called a memorial service--but it was really more of a celebration of life. It was everything I could have hoped for. Some of her university professors came, and so many friends. It was held outdoors, in a beautiful clearing in the woods. Jill loved nature. She was an equestrienne, and since people had to drive through the woods to get there, a family friend hung some of Jill's horse show ribbons on trees to guide the way. She was also a musician, and her band played, including a new song they'd written in her honor.

But most of the family in mourning tomorrow are deeply religious Catholics, and the only other gathering mentioned in the obituary is a Mass.

Visitations aren't really a thing here in Oz, but many years ago when one of the regular skydivers at the place where I worked was killed, his Japanese family had a viewing, which I attended out of respect for his family. I didn't go up to the casket though, as I wanted to remember Ryo with his carefree smile. The funeral was heartrending. I want to cry just thinking about it even now.

I would hope these events would be dying out. It's vaguely creepy to stand there and look at a body. I haven't been to a funeral lately, the last was for a good friend who was buried in another county. But she was cremated, and her husband died before her and also their dog and they were all put in the grave. I went to a lot of funerals as a kid when the four grandparents died and a few uncles. I was very freaked out as an eight-year-old watching my grandmother throw herself practically into the casket of her dead son.

Later, when she died, the funeral director said, " Now, all you grandchildren line up by your grandmother's casket and say something to her. "

Visitation isn't a thing here either, thank goodness. Seems quite ghoulish to me and frightening for some. Embalming is very rare here so the body would not be a great sight anyway.

I don't think there is a deffinitive answer to 'best' on this one. We have visitation/wake at the funeral home the night before. There are formal prayers led at one point. (rosary). Then the next day again two hours before Mass, at the church, there will be the opportunity to offer your condolences to family. I know of visitations that are packed the entire time and other's that ebb and flow. Given this was the first of a married couple to die, it is likely it will be busy. People come for the survivors so the first funeral is often large. I do think most churches and funeral homes have wheel chairs that can be borrowed while visiting, at least around us that's the case. There are always chairs to wait your turn on. There will be pictures and videos to busy yourself while you wait your turn. Depending on the size of the city, the age of the funeral home, its accessibility could be an issue. It's always good to call ahead and get information on elevators etc if you do not know the design of the building you are headed to.

(((alisande)))

I'm here to report that it was one of those experiences where we anticipate the possibility of falling off a cliff, but the reality turns out to be a step off a curb. It went well.

I opted to go early. I had some familiarity with the area, so I used the simple directions given on the funeral home's website. I thought the building would be obvious, but there was a lot of traffic and parked cars, and in my efforts not to hit either, I drove past the not-so-obvious building. I pulled over and engaged the GPS, which told me to turn where a turn was not permitted. It took some time for the GPS to back off those particular directions, so I arrived a little later than planned. Even so, it was 15 minutes before the scheduled 4 o'clock start.

The parking area was surprisingly small, and completely full. So I had to go in search of a parking space on the street. I lucked out and found one fairly close by. Nevertheless, when I finally got inside and saw the long line already there, I probably looked as weary as I felt.

An employee was at the door, greeting arrivals. I asked if there was a way to avoid standing. He hesitated, and I thought he was about to say no, but he asked if I was alone. I said yes, and he said, "Come with me." He brought me to the front of the line, and told the person in charge that it was okay. I don't know what the people on line thought; I didn't ask. 😊

I got to see most of the people I'd hoped to see, and met some I hadn't seen before except in photographs. The family is as good-looking as it is large, and I was struck by that yesterday, with all the kids adults now, and so many. No glitz or glamour; just good, beautiful people.

I sat for a while and chatted with the son (now a father himself) of someone I pushed in a stroller when he was a baby and I was 10. I stayed less than an hour, not wanting to occupy anyone for long with so many still to visit, and when I left people were still coming in.

Good to hear and very nice to hear ”Come with me!”👍🏻

Alisande, It’s so nice to hear this good report back from you. Though your arrival sounds like it was not great with the traffic, parking and misrouting by GPS it also sounds like your actual positive experience far outweighs that part. I’m certain that you’re very happy you made the effort to attend.

Yes, I was very glad I went. I'll call my friend soon, and visit her when she's ready. We'll have tea in her lovely garden and enjoy some quiet conversation.

She and I were 14 here, vacationing together with my family. She's on the left. It was a great summer, and we remember it vividly. Although it's been said many times, it's still true: It really doesn't seem that long ago.

What a great picture of two beautiful blonde ponytailed girls! Those were the days, right? 😊

Alisande, thanks for the update!

Funeral home employees (in my experience) are extra caring and considerate. I'm glad your experience was the same.

So glad you didn't let the obstacle keep you away from what really is a very holy and improtant part of the circle of life. They are Catholic and it's one of the Corporal Works of Mercy to bury the dead and that means honoring them and joining them on the journey back to their Creator. The world needs more of these sacraments not less--other wise you end up with those creepy death doulas guiding you to where???? Makes me shudder.

I am so glad to read about your experience. I think most funeral home owners/workers are perhaps more in tune with what some people need. I would bet that is not the first time that employee has escorted someone to the front of the line.