my $50 bill wasn't good enough
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I'm new here... I wish I wasn't
Comments (16)Hey guys... just reading that poem makes me cry again. I still cry every day. It's really hard when you're by yourself at night. I miss Danny. I made a shrine to him in my room. It's been a few months now and though the pain isn't... as consuming, it's still with me all the time. The time we had together, his youthful eyes and laughter, they haunt me, you know. It's still not right that we are here "enjoying" life and it is over for him, so young, so full of potential. I keep wondering why it has to be this way. And why he couldn't have been pulled out of the water, why those boys who were with him don't care about us, because they never call. I keep wishing I was old enough to start a family, that my ex boyfriend was a good man so I could give into his pressure to go home. But my path is set.... it's so strange but in the aftermath I see clear evidence that we (mom and I) are doing as God intends, that he has plans for us and taking my brothers away are part of the plan. For my mother at least, no clearer evidence could have been presented that God is here and He does care. My mom was devastated to be here, after her head cleared. She quit her well paying corporate job to slave away for my vengeful, tyrannical father. Things were not looking good - on top of the grief she had to suffer his abuse to pay the bills. She was depressed and felt she made a huge mistake in the wake of the grief. I felt bad b/c I insisted that God wanted us here, to help my Dad (before he betrayed us) to be where Dan was, to be in this small town away from the city, away from my ex bf. I prayed and I really thought we were doing the right thing. Even at the worst I encouraged her that somehow, God would come through - I could feel it. And He did. Out of a pool of 462 applicants in a town of 50,000, *my mother* was chosen to be the business manager/instructor for the only scuba diving school in the entire area. Her new job is about as awesome as they come. She not only gets paid to learn a new career, scuba instruction, but will be taking 10 paid vacations a year to take clients to places like Australia, the South Pacific, Hawaii and Florida. That we moved here after Dan drowned, and now she has a new career in *underwater life support* is not lost on me. Praise God - if that isn't direct evidence of his Love than I don't know what is. My beautiful mother has suffered so - this bit of security, adventure and hope for quality of life was exactly what she needed. The owner is so nice he won't ever make her dive in the huge brown river that took my brother, though it is the local attraction for his business. We also got to meet the diver who pulled my brother out of the water (bless him, if his body hadn't been recovered or recovered quickly it would have been even more tormenting) and my mom will get to be a volunteer search and rescue diver herself. I don't know what I'm doing. I was supposed to go back to school to finish 8 credits but I blew it off - until January. For some reason I lost my motivation to go to law school. I want to do something else. I don't know what. I will keep praying and maybe God will show me the path. I'd endure just about anything if I could have him back. Death is so unforgiving. A few minutes of being underwater, unconscious, and you can't come back. I've been re-reading "The Lovely Bones" and I really like the way that novel describes Heaven. The little murdered girl wonders why her dearly beloved grandparents aren't in her heaven. It's because she can't let go of watching people on Earth - her family, the investigation, her school. I like to think that Dan is here sometimes, I can almost feel him. But when he is not, he must be enjoying hot rods, powdered mountains and babes in bikinis. There must be babes in his heaven. I am waiting to find the perfect landscape tattoo artist, and then I will get a memorial tattoo in Dan's honor. It will be a silhouette of a snowboarder popping off an impossible cliff, with a burning, brilliant variegated sunset in the background. Dan Krueger, 1986 - 2004, it will say. He was such a good brother. I'm so grateful God has shown himself to me in the blessings and messages, so I know Dan continues on and I will see him again. I just wish he could "enjoy" life. Maybe heaven has all the good parts of life and none of the bad. But you can still feel things. I mourn the loss of his feeling - he loved to feel. We all do. That Dan's opportunity was taken away makes me feel like I should make the most out of life - but I don't know what to do. I'm just saving all the money I'm earning, and being here for mom. Thanks for caring, Lu, and I hope you all are holding up okay. Oh man, now I'm looking at the pictures to post the link. Pictures hurt so bad. These basic ones I've seen, I can hardly bear to look at them, and trying to look at the hundreds of family photos we have in the closet is like trying to breathe underwater. I just can't do it yet. CRY CRY CRY CRY CRY Man, it hurts....See MoreIt wasn't just my imagination.....
Comments (11)I am using an old computer, don't have a firewall and free-edition AVG hasn't deleted some nefarious tenants, having notified me of their presence, I believe ... ... so I don't do financial stuff online. I have a bank-issued credit card with accounts at the bank that issued it and, being a senior, don't have to pay a fee to pay credit card, utility, oil bills and such. I'm red-faced, though - when the electric bill came in on Thursday, it had last month's bill added, as I hadn't paid it. That was during the time that I was having a difficult time being mobile and I missed paying the utility bills ... at the bank. During that period I've considered that it's time to have some of the money-related situations that I deal with, including gov't.-related pensions and income tax issues dealt with by automatic electronic transfer. ole joyful...See MoreAs if choosing a counter wasn't hard enough already....
Comments (4)Lady, I think the Perlato Granite will look great with your Oak Java Coffee finish. I looked through the entire gallery of cabinets looking for your finish or one close to it. There isn't anything with the Oak Java Coffee but there is one with an ebony finish on an island with a dark countertop. They look very nice together. You should be able to get a large sample of the Perlato Granite from Formica. Sometimes a local big box home store will have larger samples. If you can't find a sample or need help, click on "My Page" next to my name and send me an e-mail. I'm sure you will make many happy memories in your new home. Congratulations!! Julie...See MoreNone of my old stuff is good enough to put in my new cabinets!
Comments (19)I just packed up this week past and the kitchen was demolished on Tuesday. I can't believe how much stuff I have! No wonder I think I need more storage and have ordered uppers that go all the way to the ceiling! I tried to exercise some discipline and throw out all the old things I rarely use anymore. I wasn't very successful... let's say it was like removing sand from the desert with a teaspoon. I guess I'm just attached to my old favs, like special friends. Plus, my mom passed away last year and I ended up with most of her stuff - as the only girl child, my brothers simply delegated all that kitcheny/household stuff to my best judgement. How could I possibly get rid of the green glass citrus squeezer??? or Grandma's best china?? Or Auntie's hand painted china, etched aluminum trays or the ancestral beer glasses?? For the record, I did throw away all the sippy cups and souvenir kiddy dishes (the baby starts HS next week), and at least 2 dozen coffee mugs are packed to donate to the local thrift (I'm sure those breed in closed cupboards) but I still have at least 3 dozen I can't part with. Hey, who wants to come to my place for coffee? Or tea? I counted 6 teapots, keepers all. I do think I'll replace all, or at least most of my kitchen towels. They have all seen better days, even if they rarely see the light of day anymore. We are currently settling into our "temporary kitchen" in the wet bar area of our basement rec room. This classic piece of 1960s design and construction leaves much to be desired functionally, but at least it boasts running water and a usable refigerator. Ironically, in the 13+ yrs we've lived in this house, we have seldom ventured into this cubby-hole, except to access the beer fridge. Now, I can hardly wait until the kitchen is completed so I can start planning its renovation......See More- last yearlast modified: last year
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