I have been dealing with this for 33 years. I tried everything suggested here. My husband has two daughters. i have no children of my own. i had to have a hhysterectomy when I was 25. i married my husband when I was 36 and happly single. He was too, after being divorced five years from his high school sweetheart,. She immigrated from South America to his small Southern town, when she was a young teen,. She was exotic and alluring to a naive teen. She had horrific underlying issues that to date have not been dealt with. Her mother was married when she got pregnant by another man and had her, supposedly to get out of the marriage. She left her and her older sister from her marriage, with her parents and moved to the United States. They joined her years later in my husbans’s small town.. Seven or eight years ago, my husband’s ex wife learned via genetic testing she had a brother who had used the same DNA testing service. He was adopted I suppose as an infant. Who knows how many others there could be. this behavior reminds me of a species of bird, the cowbird. They do nor rear their young themselves. They lay their eggs in the nest of other species, usually smaller in size. From the time they are hatched they are larger and demand more food. Very often the legetimate siblings die from starvation or are crowded out of the nest before they can fly and care for themselves. When both parents are not willing to work together post divorce about the children they created, put their needs and wants before that of their children, it is going to be a disaster in some way. Add to it someone with this background above, and a dupisaster is guaranteed. I am a young senior now. I was very idealistic when I married my husband. I also saw two teens neglected by a mother who was focused solely on her career. My husband came from a home of very modest means but well educated. he has a PhD in Engineering. He is an only child but spent his first seven years in his grandmother’s home with his parents and an orphaned female cousin (Depression era). He was surrounded by a very close knit family of aunts, uncles, and cousins. They all went to the same school and church together, gathered together often, and lived by the Golden Rule. I was born and raised in the South too, in very much the same way. The difference being iI lived in a much larger city and I am the youngest of three siblings, We have lost our parents and both of my siblings. My mother and siblings died within the past three years. There never was going to be a way for all of this to turn out well. . When the ex wife retired she had nothing left to do but focus on her children and our grandchildren. We do not understand her and never will. We should not have to. But we have been forced to live with the consequences of her behavior and the influence she has over her daughters and the grandchildren. We have not heard from our children and grandchildren in five years. For many years, while the ex was emplyed, we were in contact continuously, very happily involved. We lived n the same town with the ex and one daughter and her family, the other an hour away up untl Christmas of 2019.. In the beginning I thought it would be good for my husband’s ex and I to have a courteous relationship in order to manage the girls activities and stop the obvious and normal game playing children of divorce do to get what they want. I found out quickly that was never going to happen. I love my step daughters and grandchildren. so I did the best I could. But no matter what I did, I stepped on the ex wife’s toes, Multiply thar by two girls who were starved for what their mother could or would not give them for most of their lives. We got tired of being hurt by these two daughters and their mother. They abandoned us over a flurry of insane activy involving a divorced stepdaughter. She divorced her husband of 21 years in record time. They had accrued a lot of property, lived in a million dollare home. My stepdaughter drove a new Mercedes Benz. Six weeks after the divorce was finalized she got involved with a man who did not make enough money to pay his $350 rent and borrowed money from her. He lived in a hovel, with barely any decent furnishings, his clothing piled waist high in the corners of the room he slept in. He did not even empty his mailbox of junk mail. Instead he let it spill onto the ground and carved a niche out of what was packed into the box. He spent his days hanging out in a cafe, his nights in a bar, surrounded by women half his age. At nearly 50 years old he had nothing to show for his existence other than a short lived marriage that produced no children. He has a Bachelor’s degree in History. When my stepdaughter brought him to meet us he was dirty, unshaven, disrespectful, and talked only about beer and his mutt dogs. All of our red flags went up and have stayed up since. He has never done anuthing to change the first impression we had of him. He has only made it worse. My stepdaughter moved him in on top of her children, devastated by a divorce they were too young to understand or see coming. At some point thay went to the courthouse and got married. We do not know when. They had a coming out party in my stepdaughter’s home, calling it a Christmas party. We were traveling and unable to attend. When we learned of the marriage we were shocked. My stepdaughter had never spoken well of this man to us. She swore to us she had no plans of getting married. But when we reacted the way we did she flew into a rage. This was the beginning of the end. She was estranged from her mother who had desperately been trying to win her daughter back. Suddenly the perfect opportunity arose. Her mother fully embraced this creature my stepdaughter married. Thus began the campaign against us. Cruelty began first, hen alienation. we were so very naive about what was going on. Mockery and amusement at our bewilderment was constant. Then alienation when I confronted my stepdaughters’ behavior. All of this took too much out of us, We spent one last holiday season alone, surrounded by family, and two days later moved from our home of over 40 years. it is not easy beginning a new life at our ages but is so much better than how we were living. We love where we live no, which is on the opposite side of the continent from all of the pain and insanity. If the damage done does not cause us to lose our lives sooner than later then we have a chance at happiness again.

I guess I'm still not explaining the situation quite right... We would definitely never purposely schedule something on BM's weekends. I do completely understand that BM has limited time with SD. However, for example... SD is involved in volleyball. This is a 3 month activity. It just happened that 1 game fell on BM's weekend. BM threw a fit and went on an on about not "scheduling" things on her weekend (???? how did WE schedule it on HER weekend???). She refused to come to WI for the visit that 1 weekend, watch the game for an hour, and then have SD for the rest of the weekend. She was notified about this 1 month in advance, so plenty of time to plan ahead. SD is part of a team, and therefore is expected to be at all of the games. We had to explain the situation to the coach, who was luckily understanding and allowed her to miss the game. Other instances include things like daughter being in 4H. This is a year-long activity. The county fair is when a child gets recognition for programs, projects, and animals they have been working with all year. BM has an absolute fit every year because the fair tends to fall on her weekend.... again, stating DH cannot schedule things on HER weekend???? These are things that are ongoing and that we have no control over. SD is in band; every year there is a solo and ensembles competition... sometimes it falls on BM's weekend. This would be something that SD has worked on for 6 months!!!! These are just a few examples of the kinds of things that we cannot control the scheduling of, SD has worked on for months and months.... and it just happens that they might fall on BM's weekend here and there. Instead of being proud of SD and finding this as an opportunity to use to see SD accomplishments and be there for some of these events, she makes a big deal out of it, and even made SD miss her volleyball game because she would not switch the weekend OR come to watch the game and then take SD afterwards. It is just frustrating because I also have an X, although he is very willing to work around kids' schedules. To him, it doesn't matter when they come, just that they come... As he says, it is the same amount of time either way. We have tried to explain this to BM, but she just doesn't get it. Why must it be so difficult to allow your children to be involved in good, wholesome activities as teenagers? No one has ever asked BM to GIVE UP any of her time, just occasionally rearrange it or even come and watch and participate in SD's activities, in fact has been invited to come for a visit on DH's weekend, just to include her in SD's activities. I really believe it comes down to an issue of power.... She believes that she must have all control over everything that happens on HER weekends, no matter what!

The abuse issue is serious and frightening. Has your DH tried to get a change of primary physical custody? As to the rest, you sound extremely resentful and bitter toward your SD, and I'm sure it is very clear to her that you feel that way. How old is she? How long have your been her stepmother? Under what circumstances did this happen? All these are factors in her behavior and attitude. But your resentment may be throwing gasoline on the fire.

Wow, thanks for your input. This is EXACTLY how I feel. The divorce decree says that they will provide for their children's college education -- it does not say they will pay ALL of it. And, they saved her whole life and invested to accumulate a lot of money for her and now it is gone (her mother controlled the spending, so I'm sure a bit of it went for a pretty dorm room too....). The kicker is that she chose this college when she was refusing to speak to her father -- so she never considered the cost of the education. And, she had a chance at a $10,000 scholarship that she didn't bother to return paperwork on AND took $7000 out of her college account to pay for her senior year of high school at the new, more expensive school that her mother put her in when they ran away. As for the law, it does say that father's should pay but that it doesn't have to be a really expensive school and it says that there is an expectation that the child has a relationship with the parent that is actually "parental" (i.e., he has say in things and can set limits for her -- neither of which is true). I guess the bottom line is to really take a firm stand . . . but I'm not sure what that means! Do we tell her she is on her own and that she should transfer if she can't afford it? (BTW, her mother inherited a lot of money and has a stock account from which she could easily write the check to pay for the last 2 years, so I'm sure she wouldn't transfer anyway). We make a good living, but we certainly don't have that kind of money laying around to pay for her -- it would involve us taking loans in order to pay for this and she simply does not deserve it!!! Right?! (I know it's right, but I am also now viewed as the evil stepmom, so I guess I just need reassurances!!!!) Maybe it is time to take the hard stand. Thanks again for your input! It helps to see things through someone else's unbiased eyes!