Dear Elizabeth, I am so sorry that you carry so much pain inside. I think I know how bad it is...only because the death of both parents still causes much pain. We ache for them and the "hole" that they leave. Lucky you to be so close to your brother. I will never know the closeness of a sibling as he and I were the only 2 children. He was my parent's biological child and they adopted me from birth. Sometimes I think he didn't like me...and he was the only family member to ever treat me differently or said anything about me not "really" being family. This was especially obvious when my dad died and made me the executor of the estate (younger child...and in my brother's opinion "not blood"), so maybe that's why he cut me out of his life. I could try to guess for years, but am trying to close the book on a chapter that was particularly painful. I beat myself up for years, and now that he's gone, I have to let the pain and the "shoulda, coulda, woulds" go. I don't claim this to be a universal approach, but I can get on with my life not worrying about him and I am glad that he's not in need of anything. He wouldn't take any help I offered unless it involved a "dead president" (I heard someone refer to money as that and thought it was clever). So...the weight is off my shoulders. I am still sad and will be everytime I think of him...but I can't let it drag me down. MY HIPPIS NEED ME to be happy!! THE DATE was nice (ok, it's 9PM and I'm home....) this was dinner with Ed. I met him on a cruise in 1997 (they thought we were a married couple!!) and we have dinner every year. He lives in IL and I usually catch up with him on the way to a dog show. He happened to drive his new car down towards Houston and invited me to a very nice Italian resturant. New car??? His old Miata was just fine by me...fun and zippy (I used to have a convertible too), but the new car is fun and zippier. A new Porche boxter! Boys and their toys. Tomorrow is another "date" of sorts. Going to a wine tasting and meeting a friend (Alan) there. Asked him what I should bring and he recommended cheesecake, so I made a Chocolate Kaluha chocolate chip cheesecake with ganauche(?) on top! :-) see what these guys are missing?? Handy in the yard AND kitchen?? Kristi

A week is too long to be left alone. I don't have family or friends nearby so I asked at our vet's office for a pet sitter recommendation. They gave me the name of one of their longtime clients who did pet sitting. I spoke with the pet sitter over the phone and got references. I phoned the references and they were SO happy with the pet sitting services they'd been getting from this woman for years. I invited the sitter to our home to meet with our cats and tour our house. Hubby and I both immediately liked her. Gave her a house key and our travel dates and we've been delighted with her ever since. We've been using her services for well over 10 years. She keeps our house key and when I need her help we communicate via email. On her last day of sitting she leaves her invoice on our table and I mail her a check. We've arranged that she comes over once per day, brings in our newspaper and mail, leaves tire tracks and footprints in the snow so our place doesn't look abandoned. She keeps the cat food bowls filled, water bowls filled and scoops our multiple cat litter pans. I like the idea of having a responsible adult in our house every 24 hours. During one of our Christmas trips she phoned me to say our furnace wasn't working and our house was cold. I arranged for our furnace man to meet our pet sitter at our house and we had a working furnace within a half hour. Had we left our house alone with no one checking on it we could have returned to frozen pipes and really cold housecats! Our sitter charges $15 per visit. We have four housecats she tends to. I give her a bonus at Christmas. Never would I leave a house with animals in it for a week. Kessala

Jasdip, I think we all wish there was something we could do to take away some of the deep grief and sadness you are feeling. Even if it turns out that the group is not a good fit for you, I think you are wise to give it a try. There is some comfort to be found in knowing you are not alone, that others are going through the same thing and that they understand your situation and how difficult it is. I am glad for you that Tom left such beautiful words for you to find and treasure. Hold onto that and know that you were and are loved and cherished by your man even though he is no longer physically here to tell you himself. You may find signs of his presence in other ways if you allow yourself to be open to them. In my case, it's pennies. When my mom died, I started finding a single penny in the strangest places. I still find them to this day, only now they are always in groups of three symbolizing my mother, father and brother. I still remember when my sister was sorting through our mother's old papers and photos when she got sucked into reminiscing over the photos and found a slip of paper from a fortune cookie stuck to the back of one of the pictures. She opened it up and it said, "get back to work"! We always took that as a sign from our Mom that she was still around and still being a mom. As always, you know that you can always come here and that there will always be an ear to listen and a shoulder to lean on.

(Hard to find much on this — ) BROKEN GLASS (Claudia Schmidt) I was walking through the broken glass last night and thought of you, and I wondered where your reckless ways had brought you to? My memories of you whorled me back to boilin' blood and wrath, and I wonder if you've stumbled on a lighter path? Did you go out to the desert with the sun hot overhead? Did the dry and the dusty heat make you wish you were dead? Or, did the stark and the open spaces ease your urge to roam? Did it make you feel at last like you were home? Or, did you go out to the woods where the silver poplars sing? Did the quiet rustlin' take away the city's sting? Did the white birds like suspended lightning strike the autumn glow, and touch your heart with tenderness so you could grow? I was walking through the broken glass last night and thought of you, and I wondered where your reckless ways had brought you to? A fiery mass of untapped power surgin' in your breast, I hope it found its way outside so you could rest! Or, did you go up to the mountains where the air is clear and cold? Did they give you back your tears; save you from growing old? As hands and feet fought gravity all up the ancient wall, I wonder, did you lose your ancient urge to fall? The last time I saw you, you were strung dangerously high. All your movements stiff and frightened and you could not cry; suspicious of an honest mile, and looking for a fight; the lonesome street your home, your only friend the night. Now, wherever you may be tonight, I hope you're pleased and calm; that the air around you soothes you like a holy balm; that your lonely anger hasn't turned your insides inside out; that you found the place some of us still dream about. I was dancing through the broken glass last night and thought of you, and I wondered where your reckless ways had brought you to? All my memories of you whorled me back to boilin' blood and wrath, and I wonder if you've stumbled on a lighter path? Oh I hope, perhaps, you have stumbled on a lighter path! And, a live performance at a small venue (accoustics of that venue are lousy, but Claudia’s spirit is strong. I love this song and it played a lot in the early 1980s. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hdmp_XuSC00