Kristi, Lots of hippie (((HUGS))) to you. I'm sure you've gone through a lot of pain over your brother. He made his choice in life, and you made yours. You can be proud of your choice. You can't undo what he did. You can go forward with your life now, perhaps feeling a little bit lighter and more free.

On a lighter note, my older hippis are awakening, too. I'm so excited. Except for the one Lady Jane that I just posted about, everybody looks great. Looks as though the pot of Wonderland will be the first of these to open, with two blooming bulbs and some offsets growing. Next should be Unique -- have two pots of those. The most exciting part is that some of the bulbs from 2000 that had rot problems will be blooming for the first time since. It will be like receiving a gift waiting for those to open.

Kitty

Kristi, I don't know what to say 'cause I'm from a different culture. I only hope you're OK.

Xuan

Dear Kristi,

I am so very sorry about your loss and the circumstances surrounding it.

Just know that you do have a real family here.

Big virtual hugs,

Blanca

Kristi, you're story was very moving, and I feel for you and your loss. While still a newbie to these forums, it is obvious that the folks on here are like one big happy family, and you'll never be alone with friends like these!

HUGS!!!
Ryan

KRISTI, my sympathies for the hard time with your brother in the past, and the sadness that he was not able to cope with life without self medicating. Now you know that he will no longer be in trouble, scared, lonely, sick, or any of those things. He rests back in the earth and you are free to go on and live your life toits fulfillment. May your life be blessed now, and the sadness be laid to rest. You are SUPPOSED to take joy in your beautiful flowers and your beautiful dogs and they will heal the remaining sadness better then anything else except the laughter shared with friends. Embrace life!

Dear Kristi iam sorry about your brother, i send a big hug and a prayer for your brother.

You are SO not alone, Kristi... you're my "sister" in Texas! I can identify with your feelings, having somewhat similar family issues to deal with. I know well the helplessness and guilt at not being able to change the situation. We can only point someone in the right direction... we cannot make them go, and that's so unfortunate. It's very painful to watch those we love and care about make such self destructive choices... but we all have free will, and we all have to face the consequences of our choices in life. I'm terribly sorry for your loss, and my prayers include you.

You have much more than silent support, Kristi... at the bottom of every one of my emails is a phone number... and I'm usually here, at home... any time you feel the need to unburden yourself, rant, or just talk about anything, I'm here. Feel free to let your fingers do the walking, seriously.

On a lighter note, I did a bit of pollinating today, myself... I took Lemon Star pollen to the Queen of Hearts. There are still two blooms of the Queen open for pollen, so I'm weighing my choices.

Red Pearl opened two blooms today... or I should say, began to open... they'll be photographed tomorrow, I'm thinking. Lady Jane is ready to open her next bud, and that stressed Minerva is trying valiantly to open its final bud.

I hope your pollinations all take and grow into nice fat pods! I'm excited for you, Kristi... knowing that your bulbs from last year are growing scapes! It's a wonderful feeling to know that you had a hand in making them flower this time around!

The weather is finally getting a bit warmer... we're steadily moving toward spring! I planted more seeds today, including Hippi seeds left over from last year. I'm very interested to know exactly how long these can be kept, and still be viable.

I also planted one of my favorite annuals... Pineapple Sage! If you've never grown this, you must try it out in your garden! It gets quite large and really ends up looking like a shrub! The red flowers attract swarms of hummingbirds... they can't resist it! It blooms in the latter part of summer for me, but makes such a gorgeous display that I include it every year, saving two large spaces for it in the bulb bed. There's a blue flowered version, but I find it a bit too thin and sparse of a plant, and though pretty, it doesn't show up as well as the bright red of the Pineapple Sage!

Exotic Star is beginning to open its bud, and is slowly priming for a beautiful show... so is Red Peacock, that giant of a bulb I got earlier this season.

Lots happening in my jungle... and lots happening in yours, too, Kristi! I put your seeds to bed the other day, from list 1, and can't wait to see the little sprouts peek through the soil! This is so much fun!

On a humorous note... I'm sure I mentioned that I got a new pair of very comfy slippers for my Birthday... well, as I was getting ready to take Maia outside after her dinner, she very quietly, and without warning, filled my right slipper with upchucked supper! Ew! I was able to clean it up, so the slippers are fine... but... ew!

My Mom, God rest her soul, would put an arm around my shoulders when I was troubled, and she would say, "Tomorrow is a whole new day, Honey... you can always begin anew." Kristi, my Dear... tomorrow's a whole new day... begin fresh... and know that you have an entire family right here in this forum that cares about you. We're all behind you, ready to lend support should you need it.

If I could send a real hug as an email attachment, you'd be opening a really big file! :-)

Kristi, sorry for your loss. Remember, you are a good person and did the best you knew how with your circumstances. And don't forget, that you always reached out to him and kept him in your heart. Also, I'm sure that your letters to him were a comfort. He knew you cared because you did care.

All of us have to carry our crosses.May GOD give us strength to go on. Wishing you a happy future.
Arif

Oh Kristi You have my thoughts across the miles.Sometimes there's relief in just knowing,eh Maybe your brother will be at peace from the afflictions/addictions he carried.Maybe he'll be reborn a "grinner" and stroll across your fence top all smiles! Who knows these things...It's most encouraging that you do so well with your Hipps.I learn alot from your posts and I am grateful for that.You're a great person who can embrace her shortcomings and also bathe in your blessings humbly.I admire you and respect you. Peace&Support,Mark

Deal Kristi,
I am new here but I wanted to offer my support & prayer.
Hugs!!!
Jan

Dear Kristi,

I am also new here, I would like to let you know that my thoughts are with you. As you said in the first post, you are moving forward ... all the best from me.

Regards,
Hatta

Thanks everyone. It's tough...I'm used to "doing" something about a situation, and now all I can do is let it sink in. Even though we were estranged, he was still my brother and I loved him. He seemed to equate help with money, and I'm just making it on my own. I had looked into getting him into and paying for in-house rehab, but he told me he didn't have a problem. You can't help someone who doesn't want it. This has been a hard lesson for me....I am a "helper" and he rejected me years ago.

ON A BRIGHTER NOTE...my Lemon-star greeted me this morning (I left the house at 4:50 to help my friend and her fiance load the car and clear out the apt to move to NYC). 10 minutes into their drive, I got a call...they'd missed the turn off for the major east-bound highway...and I got them turned around and back on it. They have an AAA trip tik...not they just need to USE IT! :-)

SOMEONE TAKE THE TAPES>>>>PLEASE!!!!
:-)
K

Kristi... maybe it sounds lame, but your brother is in a better place now, unencumbered by the needs and wants and pains of the earthbound. He's finally at peace, and you can take some solace in that.

In the age of GPS, no one should get lost on our nation's highways! I'm fairly good with directions, but Larry can get lost at the end of the driveway! I'm always frustrated by his lack of directional skills... some of us have them, and some of us don't! I'll never understand it!

Isn't Lemon Star lovely?! I do like this one! As is ages, it gets prettier... give it a few days!

Dear Kristi,

Thank you very much for sharing your life with us.
Life is never dull when we remember to reach out to our friends. Sadness only reminds us to really appreciate Joy when we have it.

Best Wishes!

Jodi....she has a GPS, but I KNOW they didn't program the entire trip into it. She was relying on visual and trip tik. She was navigating and Eric was driving. At least once they got on I-10 they stayed put for 420 miles. I just spoke to her and they are good...on track. Of course, it's supposed to snow from Atlanta to NY tomorrow. I felt very motherly telling her that it didn't matter if they took an extra day, they need to arrive in 1 piece, not on time. AND...it's not so much them as "the other guy". She is from Phili so snow driving isn't new to her and he's been in NYC all winter so they know it can be dangerous.

Off to make a cheesecake and clean out the car. Got a surprise call that a guy who's in town from out of state wants to take me to dinner! WHOO HOOO...of course my car is jam packed with cleaning supplies, plants, etc and all the things Jessie and Eric couldn't fit into theirs. I am shipping them a box with their aloe plant (sentimental) and some other things. Ahhhhh...kids!
:-)

K
(and I'm doing fine....just weird to think that he's gone...and yes, I'll dwell on this in my head for a long time...)

Dear Kristi - how I do sympathize. 6 years ago I was at work, and got an email (an email!) that my brother had died. I must have sat at my desk staring at the screen for awhile - stunned. What a way to find out. It was October, and he died, alone, sometime back in August. What was I doing at that moment - in August - as he was dying, alone? Gardening? Swimming? Laughing? This will haunt me to my death. He too had a troubled life, addiction and all of that goes with such a life. But we were close when we were younger. Not a day goes by I don't think of him.
((((Hugs)))

Dear Anna,
I am so glad that there is someone who really understands the shock of getting such a message after being in nearly the same shoes. I also was thinking about what I may have been doing on 2/11/06. I was preparing to go on a huge trip to Australia and New Zealand. I was happy....and he was sick or injured (I still don't have the coroner's report but that should come today or Monday). I am thrilled that he was married, as maybe she was able to comfort him in some way.

He was nearly 5 years older, and we hadn't ever been very close. When I was 8 and he was 13 he started down the road that eventually led to his demise. I think we may have had a good relationship from the time I was 3 until I was 8...too short of a time. Sad to think that it was only 5 years.

You shouldn't let your brother's situation haunt you. Yes...it bothers us...but we had no control over it. It's not like someone called and we ignored them. My brother had my phone numbers, but somehow I am doubting that his wife even knows that I exist. I am going to let sleeping dogs lie. I'm sure I'll be questioning this for a long time to come, but I need to forgive him and myself for any missed opportunities.

:-) BIG HUG!
Kristi

Kristi, you seem very grounded, and I always get the feeling that you're a very strong and independent person... I'm very glad to know that you have a good handle on recent events.

And more hugs for you, Kristi... I think you'll be fine. You have your feet set solidly on the ground, and a good head on your shoulders. I think you're looking at everything from a good perspective. But even so, we're here.

Thanks again....something really weird (2 nanoseconds) happened today. When my brother had housing he shared a mobile home with his wife. It was on the outskirts of Oroville, CA. Today on my way home from getting the "kids" off to NYC, I passed a trailer park that looked very much like his. I don't know why I did, but I glanced down the main road in it and half expected to see his truck. He hasn't had the truck since about 1998, so I don't know WHY I expected to see it, but I know that one of the steps in the "process" is that you look for the person you have lost. I really did expect to see his truck. It was so weird. I immediately told myself he doesn't live there, etc....but it was an odd moment.

I don't know how strong I am (good outside, weaker inside) but I am independent. I have to be since I have to depend on me being there for me...ya know!!

Off to go get showered and dressed for a DATE!!! (first one in too long). Have a good evening!
:-)
K

Sometimes, we don't say much because it still hurts so bad inside.

I lost my brother, 13 months younger than me in a tragic accident. Even though he lived in Texas, we were close and there were times that he moved in with me. I can't imagine what I would have done without him in my early years as I moved from city to city and he and my younger brother were there to help me move.

I am so sorry for your your loss, and OMG, I wish I had a date, but that's okay becuase I have a house full of teenage boys staying over tonight.

They are a hand full, and a joy!

Have a BLAST!!!

Ann

First my sympathies on your brother. I understand completely. My brother had an addiction problem for years. He now has seizures, has become very religious and won't associate with us. We had no word from him for 2 months after Hurricane Ike. It was a relief to find him alive and well but we all dread the phone call.

Second, and most important, How Was The Date??? We're all on pins and needles here wondering.

You know if you ever need to get away we have a spare bedroom, if you don't mind a dog bugging you, and you are always welcome for a beach vacation. I'll search your bags on the way out for hippi bulbs!!LOL!
Tally HO!

Dear Elizabeth,
I am so sorry that you carry so much pain inside. I think I know how bad it is...only because the death of both parents still causes much pain. We ache for them and the "hole" that they leave. Lucky you to be so close to your brother. I will never know the closeness of a sibling as he and I were the only 2 children. He was my parent's biological child and they adopted me from birth. Sometimes I think he didn't like me...and he was the only family member to ever treat me differently or said anything about me not "really" being family. This was especially obvious when my dad died and made me the executor of the estate (younger child...and in my brother's opinion "not blood"), so maybe that's why he cut me out of his life. I could try to guess for years, but am trying to close the book on a chapter that was particularly painful. I beat myself up for years, and now that he's gone, I have to let the pain and the "shoulda, coulda, woulds" go. I don't claim this to be a universal approach, but I can get on with my life not worrying about him and I am glad that he's not in need of anything. He wouldn't take any help I offered unless it involved a "dead president" (I heard someone refer to money as that and thought it was clever). So...the weight is off my shoulders. I am still sad and will be everytime I think of him...but I can't let it drag me down. MY HIPPIS NEED ME to be happy!!

THE DATE was nice (ok, it's 9PM and I'm home....) this was dinner with Ed. I met him on a cruise in 1997 (they thought we were a married couple!!) and we have dinner every year. He lives in IL and I usually catch up with him on the way to a dog show. He happened to drive his new car down towards Houston and invited me to a very nice Italian resturant. New car??? His old Miata was just fine by me...fun and zippy (I used to have a convertible too), but the new car is fun and zippier. A new Porche boxter! Boys and their toys.

Tomorrow is another "date" of sorts. Going to a wine tasting and meeting a friend (Alan) there. Asked him what I should bring and he recommended cheesecake, so I made a Chocolate Kaluha chocolate chip cheesecake with ganauche(?) on top!

:-) see what these guys are missing?? Handy in the yard AND kitchen??
Kristi

Kristi, Anna and Ann- I never have the right things to say, but wanted to let you all know that you are in my thoughts and prayers for comfort and peace. He will bring you to it and he will bring you through it.

-Frank

Frank....You ALWAYS have the right thing to say. Thanks for caring about us. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. Just hours before I found out, I walked to Barnes and Nobel and bought a great book (at least the first chapter is wonderful); it's titled "Total Forgiveness" and one of the people I needed to forgive was my brother. See....things happen and we don't even think about the "Master plan".

Have a great Sunday!
K

See? We are sisters! I'm adopted, too! :-)

That cheesecake sounds beyond wonderful... I can picture it in my head, and I can feel my butt getting bigger as a result! I don't even have to eat sweets to gain the weight! LOL!

I'm glad your "dating" is going well... a few distractions are good right about now, I'm sure! I've always felt that everything happens for a reason... and that in the end, it's all exactly how it's supposed to be... I guess you could it a Master Plan...

You might have to be strong for yourself, but never think you're alone! You're only a phone call away, Kristi! And I mean that. Bottom of every email...

I hope you have fun wine tasting... it does sound fun! I've never done that... funny, because we were looking at wines yesterday at the store, trying to find a decent pinot noir for a dinner.

Kristi, Ann, Anna, and everyone... you're all always part of my prayers... and I wish the very best for everyone. Life is full of twists and turns, and I think the difficult parts serve to make us stronger in some ways. I wish I had something poetic to say... just reading all these heartfelt responses... you can feel the "family". :-)

Dear Kristi, you ARE a very DEAR person. You have the affection of all these people not related to you, but related in a way you couldn't imagine.
The most difficult thing in life is to recognized that in different ways we all need help, that we all have problems, it is a pity some people just don't get it, but it is not your mistake to try to give it. You have nothing to repent of, but I understand it is so difficult to watch when it is just out of our hands.
Don't be sad he is in a good place and be sure life will show you how he appreciate everything you have done.
Mariae.

Kristi:
You are definitely not alone. The next time I am in Houston visiting my kids I hope we can get together. I would love to take you to dinner to thank you for the seeds I received last week. I fly in and out of IAH and it looks like you are not too far north of there. I get there several times a year so I"ll look you up!

Kristi, so sorry to hear. Sometimes the things that weigh us down are made somewhat easier with friends to support us - and it sounds like you've got a great bunch here :-) You've got my support as well. Alana