Those blessed with a loving, delightful, relationship suffer the loss the most, it seems to me. Keep active and healthy, and take it slowly.

He clearly loved you very much! You should definitely frame that.

IME there is nothing to compare with a self-help group with other people who are living with the same thing you are experiencing. I'm so glad you attended, and I hope you will keep going. You are not only 'getting', you are also *giving*.

Jasdip, From some of the posts, I realize your name is Sherry, also. I am married to a Tom and he wears his beard and mustache just like your Tom. We are older, I think, I am 66 and he is 68. I wish you could of kept your Tom longer.

(((Jasdip)))

Nobody can tell you how to grieve or how long to grieve; it's purely personal. I'm glad you went to a support group because it's important to see that you're no different than others....and that your grief is similar to others. I think it would be good to continue for a while.....will help you through the new year maybe.

You've got great memories of Tom and of course they will make you cry. Nothing wrong with that. Just don't let the memories fade.

Come here and talk with us; pour your heart out and cry all your tears. .....we'll always be here for you my friend.

Offering prayers for comfort, Jasdip.

I'm so sorry for the pain you are going through, jasdip. One of the big fears I have is facing life without my DH...he's a lot older than I am and always assume that some day I'll have to live without him. It scares the daylights out of me.

You are a strong woman and have enough courage to face into this life challenge. I'm glad you are seeking help with the group. It may or may not be what you need, but you won't know if you try. Just keep trying.

I still suffer from losing my Mom who was also my best friend, and I found solace with time from doing things I know we would've enjoyed together...it was like she was spending time with me though I couldn't see her.

I also found great comfort in mindfulness and grief meditations which somehow helped me heal from the pain. It wasn't a quick fix for sure, but it did help.

Sending you thoughts of comfort and strength to see you through these most sorrowful days.

Come here any time, when you need to talk. We're here for you. I'm so sorry you had to go through this, but not alone.

Jasdip, it is kind of the same, and yet, very different for everyone. In my case, I attended sessions for 10 weeks. They were highly recommended and were not a good fit for me, but I saw it through. I wanted/needed help to deal with the pain and sorrow so I went though in the long run it had an adverse impact on me. My help came by a chance meeting with a trained professional. The three or so private talks I had with her "saved" me. I thought I would always feel sad with a cloud hanging over me. I am telling you this to let you know that what works for some..may not work for you. BUT, don't give up. Tom wouldn't want you to.

It never goes away, but it does get easier as you learn to cope. Certain times of the year are harder, but with time those get easier too. Keep on reaching out here and to your friends. Feel whatever you are feeling. Don't supress your feelings.

Hugs, Losing a loved one is hard, especially when it is close to a holiday like Christmas

((((Hugs))))

More (((((hugs)))) Jasdip. I don't have the right words to comfort you, just please know I'm rooting for you, wanting you to eventually find your place. At your own speed.

Sherry,

I'm so happy you're participating in grief recovery. Please remember this; time passes, it does not heal sorrow or pain. Your actions will help you heal and enable you to celebrate your loved one for the rest of your life.

I encourage you to stay with it for as long as needed. The pain will diminish and the sweet memories will flourish.

(((Hugs)))

I went to a series of bereavement sessions at my church. The moderator was someone I have known for many years. She lost her husband in a tragic tractor accident when her children were still young. It did help and I made some friends.

Another thing that has helped is a Facebook group called Widows 55+. And I joined a senior center where a lot of the members are widowed women.

It isn't easy but you will get through it. Grief isn't something you get over, you just go through it.

((((more hugs))))

Hugs from me, as well. I can imagine your pain and how difficult it is to go through this. My heart breaks for you.

((((Sherry))))

Hugs and prayers for strength and comfort for you.

I think the benefit of being in “a roomful of blubbering strangers” is that they all know where you’re coming from and you know no one will judge you if you start blubbering, because they all BTDT. I don’t think your honey needs a candle to find you, for him _you_ are the candle that would draw him as a moth, since he so clearly loved you while he was alive.

You might enjoy listening to this and not have to wait until the radio plays it:

Mele Kalikimaka

Losing a spouse has to be very difficult especially at a young age, yes he was young. I think you are doing the right things. Your Tom wrote a wonderful tribute to you and told the world. Thank you for sharing it with us. His words may make you cry now, but they are a testament to his deep love and appreciation of you which I think will comfort you, if not now, eventually and for the rest of your life. Take pride in your strong bond and his words. Like Annie, I take my mother with me when I do things we had done together or that she spent time doing. Crazy but now she is right beside me Christmas shopping. Of course, not really but in my heart. Talk to him and listen, you will feel and hear him deep from within yourself.

The other day I was feeling blue and missing my parents as it was my birthday and Christmas season. My husband who does not ordinarily say much about such things told me "Grief is always there, but changes over time." He is right at least in my experience.

I hope you continue to take care of yourself and reach out to others. Also try not to put a timeline for feeling one way or another on yourself. If you get lonely, you know where to find us. ((HUGS))

What a sweet loving husband you had. I know that it hurts but you were so loved. Just remember that. I'd keep going to the group. Many people find comfort with others going thru this.

(((((Jasdip-Sherry))))

Sending a heartful of good thoughts and affection as you journey through this painful valley.

Usually it's good to spend some tome with others, especially good friends who are perceptive and empathetic, and with others who have and are dealing with bereavement, as well. I hope that you find a few at the bereavement group with whom you can build a close relationship.

I can come for a visit if you feel that it might be helpful.

ole joyful

Keeping you in my prayers. Sending gentle hugs your way.

Very brave of you to go to the meeting. Prayers and hugs.

I think you are doing everything just right....having gone through this a few years ago, I know the heaviness in the heart and the void throughout. After reading your

post....I am proud of you. It's a long road....as I've said before (and was told to me)

it does get easier...not better, but easier. You have lots of people that care about

you and are there for you. Don't have words to take away the pain...but the caring

of others will help more than you know. Sending you hugs.....and am so sorry

you are on this road. You were obviously loved....and no one can take that away

from you. Hugs...

((((Jasdip))))

Saying hello, Jasdip.

Good for you, Jas. Whatever it takes to know what you are experiencing is normal and okay is a good thing. Sending hugs from Williamsburg.

Thank you so much for all of your insight and kind words. I knew you'd all understand, and be here for me. OJ, there's absolutely no need for you to come, thanks for the offer.

Each and every comment made me tear up again, of course.

Colleen, yours did especially saying that Tom doesn't need candles to find me. What a beautiful statement. I bought a number of batteries, so I'll keep burning them until they're all done :-)

That also reminded me, when I asked him what he wanted to wear. I didn't have to say the words, what I meant he knew. (cremation) I suggested a long-sleeved shirt and jeans. He thought that was a good idea, then I remembered his long-sleeved t-shirt......the Ride for Dad. His eyes lit up and he said 'Yeah, then we'd be easy to find when we see each other again."

ETA: Sherry, your poster explains things perfectly. Thank you.

Sherry, I am at a loss about what to say to you. I do hope, you will get some insight at those meetings.

I am also glad, Colleen could make you feel ok.

You are in my thoughts.

Moni

Last year at this time I lost my own husband to prostate cancer. It has been the hardest year of my life. As Ava said what helps one isn't necessarily a good fit for another. As a private person I did not attend grief sessions with a bunch of "blubbering strangers". I cried at home in private. I was so distressed that I had chest pains and shortness of breath. My doctor advised me to try half a pill for anxiety. Coming from a long line of stiff-upper-lip folks, I hated that but it helped.

Also helpful are my friends and my faith. I have two friends who have sent me a card every week of the last year. I talk to at least one friend almost every day. I meet at least one of these friends for lunch about once a week. I attend church faithfully. I volunteer at my local hospice organization. They always have jobs that I can help with. The bonus is that I am with others like me and I get to meet new people.

I hope that you find a way to help you grieve that is just right for you. May you find peace.

He sees your candles Sherry,lit or not....when you hear his Hawaiian song,his soul is present.

Let the feelings out,no matter where you choose to do it...sending long distance hugs to you......

I've been thinking about you even more than usual. dees said exactly what i would've said; add me to that one! (((jasdip)))

The beautiful words he wrote about you on facebook were found when you needed his comfort and love. His soul is with you. Hugs to you.

My lovely husband passed away 10 months ago and I have found that the 1st time for everything is really very hard -- this Christmas season being the hardest. I still have a pity-party every once in a while but now I have "special" moments when I smile and remember a beautiful moment that we shared together. I still miss his smell and his touch though, usually in the quiet, calm just before falling asleep. It does get easier to live without him here, but I still miss him.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I think about how I will react, if/when, someone close to me passes away. I shall relish the fact that...I was the lucky one to have had that person in my life. YOU got to share his life. Feel happy about that fact. However long you get with the person, is a gift to you. There will always be a hole in your heart, but remembering how lucky you were to be the one he married, could be comforting and make you smile. (((hug)))

I continue to think of (and say a little prayer for) you too. I'm really glad to see you went to a group session and hope it will help, even if just a little, as you go along trying to find some normalcy again. I know, things will never feel normal in the same way. I'm still having a tough time with my mom's passing last year, though it is somewhat easier than it had been. I find comfort in talking about her but I don't think anyone else, even my sisters, feel the same way. It sounds trite, but keeping busy does help. Thanks for writing, Jasdip and know that you have a ton of support here.

I’m so glad to read your post and I really want to reach out and give you a big old hug. One never knows when one will have someone so dear taken from us. There can never be enough preparation, even when there is, and our rational minds can’t fathom it sometimes.

The depths of your sorrow can and will linger. The ‘new normal’ as it is sometimes called will evolve when we lose a spouse, parent, child or other significant figure in our lives. I hope your grief will, in time, be an assurance and affirmation to yourself that you and Tom had many happy years and memories together. And do continue to be a part of a group that understands this process.

Jasdip, I think we all wish there was something we could do to take away some of the deep grief and sadness you are feeling.

Even if it turns out that the group is not a good fit for you, I think you are wise to give it a try. There is some comfort to be found in knowing you are not alone, that others are going through the same thing and that they understand your situation and how difficult it is.

I am glad for you that Tom left such beautiful words for you to find and treasure. Hold onto that and know that you were and are loved and cherished by your man even though he is no longer physically here to tell you himself.

You may find signs of his presence in other ways if you allow yourself to be open to them. In my case, it's pennies. When my mom died, I started finding a single penny in the strangest places. I still find them to this day, only now they are always in groups of three symbolizing my mother, father and brother. I still remember when my sister was sorting through our mother's old papers and photos when she got sucked into reminiscing over the photos and found a slip of paper from a fortune cookie stuck to the back of one of the pictures. She opened it up and it said, "get back to work"! We always took that as a sign from our Mom that she was still around and still being a mom.

As always, you know that you can always come here and that there will always be an ear to listen and a shoulder to lean on.

Jasdip, I wish I had the right words to help ease your pain. Big hugs to you.

Thinking of you, Jasdip.

I am so glad you went, keep going, it will be good for you. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

remember "Grief is love with no place to go."

Jasdip hope the group helps you. I think it is nice to have the candles going as a new tradition plus it is cheerful.

Jasdip continuing to think of you and sending prayers. In my opinion whatever you do helps but I think in a long run just doing helps. Just take it as slow or as fast as you need to do. Plus just as an aside being around friends might be difficult at first or even for quite a while but just stick with it. Your friends will get used to your new situation and you will get used to be with them just as you are now. Blessings for you.

Justlinda so sorry for your loss as well. Hugs. Hugs to everyone else who has had a loss.

Everyone has a different experience and most have sad remembrances and feeling of loss. These will fade with time so let time do its work, and meanwhile realize that what you feel is normal, and that your 'normal' is not the same as someone else's 'normal'. My view is not an educated one nor do I have any qualifications in this area. My view is based on my life experiences and observations of those near to me who have lived through similar wrenching occurrences. I have one advice: Do not be hasty to make life changing actions during the first part of grieving such as selling the house. That can wait for 2 to 3 months or longer. Later, you may feel differently after the shock wears off.