I'm so sorry you're going through this. Moms do make birthdays special. My mother's birthday is the day after mine, and all of my life we'd celebrated our birthdays together. Then, Mama died less than two weeks before my 21st birthday - she would have turned 54 the next day. A 21st birthday is supposed to be a big deal, but mine was miserable because I missed my mom and our mutual celebration. And then 3 weeks later my father died. Two months later was Thanksgiving, then Christmas. The first big holidays without them. And my birthday when I turned 54 was tough - I was older than my mother ever got to be. And then my birthday when I turned 57, because Daddy was 56 when he died - if he'd lived a month more he would have been 57.

I do think birthdays are harder than other holidays. After all, you wouldn't be here to have a birthday if it weren't for your parents, so there's a special connection with birthdays that just isn't there for other holidays.

But even though your mother isn't physically with you for this birthday, her love and her spirit are.

How can you be wrong? I dont understand. You have lost a very important person to you.

I dont think that generally speaking our culture is good at grief-being supportive of people who have had loses. People used to wear clothing that advertised a person's state of loss and grief so the people around them knew they needed sympathy and care. Sometimes it seems now people would rather we got over it. I do not agree. Grief can be complicated since you can grieve a person wasnt even nice to you. Your loss is recent. Take your time.

I've just cleared the first year since losing my Mom, but with some dementia she wasn't really tuned into holidays for the last 2 or three and that includes my birthday. She never forgot my name or my DH's name, but dates? Those weren't as clear to her always. And it was OK, we still had her and she was always glad to see us.

I can't think of a hardest particular holiday or date. Where I am caught off guard are those odd moments when I think of something I'd like to tell her. Or I'll walk into a store and see something that makes me think of her, wonder if I should pick it up for her when of course I'm no longer shopping for her.

I do talk to her. She's 15 minutes away for the first time in my adult life. Tucked in with my Dad at our local cemetery and somehow I like that. I can run up, say hi to them both together for the first time since I was a kid - 1965. We lost her before she suffered any kind of medical crisis, very peacefully, the two of them are together and I find that comforting. DH will try to say something stupid so I don't get too emotional. Like last time on the 18th Jan, she had passed on my Dad's birthday.

'Did you hear her just now?' What! 'She said you're kneeling on us, move over!' And it makes me laugh.

I'm sorry you're having a hard day. Sometimes you may just need to give into it and cry and there's nothing wrong with that. (((hugs)))

Your birthday is yours alone to share with your mother. You shared her with many others on the holidays. Your birthday was yours and she made it special. I am so sorry, sweetie.

My dad died 25 years ago and we discussed politics all the time. I have thought of him and missed our discussions so much especially over the last 6 years.

The second Christmas. It was the feeling of ”this is how it will be from now on”.

Y'all are so kind. I just want to hug everyone for their pains.

Figuring it out made it so that I got through the actual birthday fairly well, and now I have to go see my family for the family birthday celebration. It's easier now that I can name it. And I'll be prepared next time.

rob, sending you hugs. I'm so sorry for your grief.

Different things mean different things to us, and all of them are fine. The times I cherished with my Mom the most were the times we spent together. The first time I walked into a fabric store after she passed, I had to walk out as it was too much for me. I'm sure that wouldn't be an issue for the majority of people....but it was something we both had such fun doing, and it was knowing it was not to be that way again. I do miss her at my birthday and hers as we always made each other whatever meal was requested including dessert. We had so much fun making that dinner special for each other and sharing gifts with each other. She's been gone 13 years now and it's still hard. I remember Ziva on NCIS who told someone, you get over losing a pen, but you don't get over losing someone you love...you just get through. It struck a chord for me.

Lindsey, that was awful for you to lose both parents that way. I'm so sorry.

The worst time is when it smacks right out of the blue for no apparent reason. Or for what seems like an inane reason. It can be easier to brace for a holiday or forgive yourself your grief on the important occasion. Kind of ready for those feels. It's the feels that come out of nowhere that make me feel silly for suddenly feeling it or blindsides me hard because I wasn't ready for it.

The first Christmas after my last parent died. It is supposed to be such a happy time and I was so sad. All the Christmas music made it worse. I never felt so alone and miserable in my life. The second Christmas was surprisingly bad too, because certain songs instantly made me remember the misery of the year before - even though I was fundamentally fine by the 2nd year, the songs were like some sort of PTSD trigger.

I am so sorry to anyone who is feeling that level of grief. It is so hard.

My mother died on my birthday, May 20. Two days later my birthday card and a check came in the mail from her. It felt so strange.

I felt numb the first month but I never had a day where it overwhelmed me. It just goes to show what a special relationship you had with your mother. I was fourth of five and seldom felt special.

my mom died many years ago at the age of 86. she often said she was "ready" because she missed my dad so much. at her death, i felt a measure of grief but an even bigger measure of comfort knowing she was where she wanted to be.

my biggest loss was my husband, it's been 15 years, 4 months. not a day goes by that i don't still feel intense grief. the first year was hard but i spent most of that time in a fog and in a bottle. i drank myself into oblivion most nights, it's a wonder i didn't become a full fledged alcoholic. taking antidepressants helped.

the second year was even harder because i was sober and while the medication still helped to take the edge off, i still felt that my own death was the only thing that would end the grief. i'm not ashamed to admit, those thoughts crept in occasionally and the only thing that brought me to my senses was the impact it would have on my son. there is just no way...

the third year was harder than the first two. while i stayed on the meds, i came to the realization that NOTHING i did would put an end to my feelings of despair so i decided to buck up and just deal with it. this was my "new normal" and i had better learn to live with it rationally and stop spending every day curled up in a ball in the corner, wishing i was dead. i began to visit gary's family (we all live on a 25 acre farm...his mom, a sister, 2 brothers) and after a few weeks, i reached out to the person who would become, and still is, my best friend. she is my first husband's wife. the first time i called her and invited her to visit, she told me she had just been waiting for me to reach out. that very day she came to the house, we cried together and then we laughed together and it's been that way ever since with lots more laughing and the occasional blubberfest. i don't know how i would cope w/o her friendship, she is like a sister to me.

grief, i think, is one of (if not the most) personal thing and everyone deals with it in their own way. there is no timetable. i will grieve for the rest of my life. as they say, it is what it is.

the hardest day for me is Mother's Day. it was always about her to me. my sisters, nieces and my daughters always celebrated together - no men!! now, i could care less. Mother's Day to me was her day and we were happy to celebrate her. yes, i am a mother but that day to me is a 'whatever' day. don't get me wrong, my kids to celebrate me. but i feel i have no one 'celebrate'.

hope that makes sense.

trutth be told, i miss my mom every day. there is not a day that goes by where is don't think of her, even if its just for a moment. shes' been gone for over 8 years. sometimes it feels like 6mos ago and sometimes it does feel like that 8 + years....what i would not do for one more conversation with her, one beach day, one dinner, pearls of wisdom, guidance, her voice.... ugh this makes miss her even more

but i will say, we keep her memory alive by talking about her, re-counting the funny things she said and did, "mommy/mom-mom used to say" phrases and so much more. that makes her feel closer to us.

So many touching replies - this is a bit like group therapy.

It's been a little over 1 year since our mom passed and I too think of her daily. The worst is regret for all the things that cannot ever be changed now - along with all the things I'll never be able to ask or say to her. I think that's what gets to me the most.

Mom passed in 2021, just a couple of weeks before Thanksgiving, and my sisters and their families flew in from opposite ends of the country and we wound up spending almost the entire holiday season together, which made it bearable. This past Nov./Dec. it was just hubby, me and my son, and it was so hard to muster up any energy or enthusiasm for any of it. In some ways, I still feel a bit numb.

Do whatever you choose to work through your grief. There's no perfect way to do it, it's entirely personal. Talking about it can be helpful, for sure.

One thing that stuck with me was a comment from someone on an episode of The Moth, who said that saying aloud the name of a deceased loved one helps keep them with us.

I've recently read Fresh Water for Flowers, Valerie Perrin. It's about a woman who is the caretaker of a community cemetery in France. The story is about not only this woman's life and losses, but the lives of various members of the town, living and dead. Each chapter is headed with a quotation about loss. I particularly liked this one: Grief is Love.

I was raised by my mother (and her mother) after my father left us when I was too young to remember him living with us. She was an only child, the support of her parents from age 16 and through the Depression. Her father was cripled by heart disease before dying young. My grandmother lived into her nineties. Not long after, Mom had just retired from an very successful career as a real estate broker when she was diagnosed with leukemia. It slowly killed her, at 73. Her memorial service was attended by friends, neighbors, and many people I'd never met. She was a remarkable woman...and my only 'family' beyond my DH and DS (7).

I was 37. This month I'll be 82. Tears still come because it's true, grief is one of the faces of love. This is part of living. We wouldn't have wanted to miss the love.

I envy all of you who had such loving close relationships with your mothers. Although I definitely have it with my daughter, I didn't with mine. In fact, it was a relief when she died at 92 , 21 years ago. She was not at all happy I moved her from her home of 50 years she had built with my father who died in 1977. She was lonely those 20 years without him and expected me to be at her beck and call although we lived an hour away. I moved her to a lovely nursing home two miles from my house. I was an only child and well taken care of with a nice home, great food , lovely clothes but little love. Never once did either parent ever say I love you. All I got was criticism. I don't like your hair that way, why are you always in jeans, why don't you go to church? Never a compliment. Going to four proms in high school, when I'd come out of my room dressed in my lovely gowns, never...you look nice or any kind word. If I came in second in something, why wasn't it first? The one compliment she gave me in my life was, you have pretty hair, and I looked behind me to see who she was talking to. Nevertheless, I do think about them and we do talk about them.

It will be a year in April that my mom died. She was 100. The last year of her life was very stressful for her and me. She was in hospice care the last 4 months. Although I put her in the best place possible, and went to see her everyday, I still have lots of guilt feelings about putting her there. Her dementia came fast those last 4 months. She did not realize she was dying. It was all such a horrible time, that I have just tried to shut it out, and in turn I have not been thinking about any younger good memories. After listening to all of you, I think there is something wrong with me that I have shut so much out. Is this how I am coping, will I get hit hard at some point? Cherish your tears and memories at least.

My Mom passed nearly 4 years ago. I miss her most days in a good way. I think she's smiling wherever she is when I make one of her recipes or do something we used to enjoy together. Sometimes though, I miss her so much my bones ache. Nobody loves you like your Mom. I still have my Dad--he's in his 90s. My only sibling has a fatal disease. I will be the last of our nuclear family of 4. I often wonder how/what my life will be like then. Will I be sad all the time? I am divorced and have no children.

My mom died when I was 15 and she only 49. I grieved for many years and could not speak of her. My sisters would take about her and I would leave the room. About a decade later, I had a dream. My mom was standing dressed in a white gown, such a bright light emanating from her and surrounding her. I felt so good when I awoke and took it as a sign that she was happy and had found the light. I still think of how much she would have enjoyed her grandchildren every time one was born. Also, being a teenager, I never thought to question her about family and happenings during the Holocaust. The only family in the USA were my parents and us girls.

Where my dad is concerned, a specific day comes to mind. I was one day working in our deli, I looked outside the window, and I remembered my dad standing outside. Just standing there, hands behind his back, taking in the comings and goings. I couldn't stop crying. I had to go into the kitchen, sob it out, dry my eyes, and continue working. It's those little memories that slap you out of the blue.

My relationship with my mom was fraught as well. We clashed often and she was very fierce, but she was a loving person at heart and did much good for others throughout her life.

@ ladypat - my mom's final days were very traumatic and my sister says we probably have some PTSD from it. I have the same problem of struggling with recalling those last times that were sad and terrible, and wishing I could better remember better times.

August 13, 1975....I was only 33 years old, with 3 small children, and my hisband was killed and burned alive in a highway accident by a man who ran a stop sign! That date never goes by unnoticed by all of us.

I haven't grieved the way most mothers grieve over the loss of a child. I feel like I don't deserve to do so as I let someone else raise him since the age of 2/1/2. It'll be 10 years on July 30th.

My husband died a week ago. I'll grieve later as I am trying to figure out how I am going to pay for everything. He had no life insurance policy I found out. Just trying to keep it together and think rationally for now.

So many sad losses. im sorry for everyone’s grief. I suppose it is a part of life. I miss my sister most of all . Whenever i have a difficult decision, I wish I could turn to her. She was the only one who was sensible and could understand my problems. She died of cancer at age 51, which was 28 years ago. I miss her more as time goes on . My life would be so much fuller if she were here. I have her picture in my room and smile at her every day.

Samkarenorkaren--I am so sorry for your loss. I am thinking of you and I am sorry you are going through such a rough time. Life can be very unforgiving at times. Wishing you comfort, peace, and simplicity.

Ded Tired--I worry every day that today is the last day for my sister. I'm sorry for your loss. Sisters are special.

So much suffering. I am so sorry. For me the hardest part is trying to keep my heart soft despite the pain it's suffered with grief. I know so many emotions have been hardened and intellectualized as a defense against the pain. My Mom somehow, despite all the terrible losses she suffered, never lost her focus on being upbeat and bringing joy and humor to all she met. It takes a special heart to do that. Oh, to have the strength to follow her path...

"When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight."

-- Kahlil Gibran

Annie, I would take his wisdom further.

"Even if the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so much you know pain.

And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy;

And you would accept the seasons of your heart, even as you've always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields.

And you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief."

Our son was killed by a falling tree when we were camping in Northern California.

It waswas the same day Elvis Presley died.

Every single year I am reminded

II hear people say it was the worst day of their life.

I get thrown back to the morning we went to make the funeral arrangements seeing the headlines.

Scott died 2 weeks before his 8th birthday and three days before our daughter turned eleven.

Our family missed him every single day.

Fortunately the horrible memories of his death have been replaced by all the good times we had.

He was a funny kid and made us laugh.

He called cottage cheese college cheese.

May the acute stages of grief fade for everyone.

As several people have mentioned there are times when you are blindsided with a memory and tears flow.

I'm so sorry, roy...

i am deeply sorry for your loss, roy. i have always said, as much as my own loss hurts, it cannot compare to the loss of a child. i admire your strength.

roy, I am sure nothing compares with the loss of a child. Bless you and your family.

Oh Roy, you have suffered the worst possible loss. My heart goes out to you.

Roy so sorry. Even though it is such a minute consolation I'm glad the memories have outpaced the grief somewhat.