Here is a Prosecco van, more popular in Europe I think but since I live in a city, available here as well

The sociology of weddings is endlessly fascinating to me.

That seems really extravagant. We must travel in different circles. :P

I hear you.

When did it become a thing to make weddings weekend affairs? That the majority of guests would have to stay over 1-3 nights.

The last wedding we attended in 2019 was in California, so cross country for us. But it was for close friend’s son and my youngest is friends with the son, so she came too.

My oldest will be getting married in the Maldives 2023. We couldn't talk her out of it.

It makes perfect sense for them as they have long been connected to India, but it means my siblings will not be attending. Just to long a trip.

I guess we all have to weigh whether we want to go though and expense as these invitations roll

My daughter got engaged at age 24 to her high school sweetheart. We started talking some tentative plans. 4 months later she got married at a courthouse for the unromantic reason of needing her fiancées health insurance. We continued talking about a wedding reception for family only. She didn't seem to be too enthusiastic about the planning, so my DH and I made them an offer they couldn't refuse. We'd give them a generous wedding gift and it was up to them how they wanted to spend it. They opted to bank the money. We ended up having a small(due to covid) outdoor party at our lake house for close family. She wore a pretty white dress and my son took some great pictures.

Earlier this summer, my son announced his engagement. We made him the same offer and it looks like he will also be banking the money.

So no weddings in our family.

Most of our friends have opted for 'family only' weddings for their children. We sent a modest monetary gift in each case. I am grateful not to attend these expensive affairs.

Love the proseco van, such fun, Your commentary overall is what I see with the my DD and SIL's' crowd. That said most of their friends are in professional positions and will be making a good amount over their lifetimes. But it does at times seem to be all too much, especially when comparing to weddings of my era

My thoughts are that the best wedding is what makes the groom and bride happy, and that they can afford. Sometimes the two are not in sync and it is concerning when it appears that the couple will be paying for the wedding for many years or parents will not be able to retire due to these expenses. All for a part of a single day. My niece had the most gorgeous extravagant wedding at Disneyland/Disneyland Hotel, carriage and horses, the whole shebang. When I first heard about what she wanted to do I was concerned as I knew her mom did not have the money to pay for this type of event, She and her husband worked for three years pre-wedding to pay for their dream day. They had this incredible wedding and no wedding debt when it was done, so more power to them.

Guests are either willing to pay for the cost of attending the wedding or not. The hour away wedding is a challenge because it really is expensive due to the hotel or Uber cost, assuming one is going to enjoy libations. Our last hour away wedding we tried to get a hotel close by, no luck. My husband just kept his alcohol consumption very low and we drove our car. Destination weddings are a bit easier to decide as hopefully you are getting a bit of a trip out of it, we went to our friends' Hawaii wedding and turned down two family weddings back in PA. In retrospect I do wish we went to the PA weddings, but at the time it was a lot of expense and we had other obligations, we would have only been able to be in PA a couple of days before having to come home. So we just stayed home and sent a very nice gift,

We had a very small wedding at my parent's house the day after Christmas (they were living out of state for a year, and this was the ONLY day or else wait until the next summer). Elopement would have been fine. My dress was $99 bought off the rack at a mall store that had some bridal gowns. We were given the difference between my sister's wedding (still married to her first ex at the time) and the cost of ours. If I remember correctly, our wedding was around 3K and we pocketed 4K. We bought a Blue Point Siamese kitten with some of the money. Of course this was the early 80s.

I went to several very formal weddings (mostly relatives) and bar/batmitzvahs. I guess the people that like to spend a lot on things of this sort (and expect it of their friends) are not introverts.

This reminds me of a story about DD1 when she still lived in San Francisco. A recently reaquainted friend from college was getting married and asked DD1 to be in the wedding. The bride's parents were buying their dresses, paying for transportation to and accomadations for the wedding. But DD1 was un-asked when I would not pay for her to fly to a Bachelorette party in NYC.

FWIW, DH and I do not enjoy going to weddings, or parties, so we would just send a gift and not attend.

ETA: I know you were not complaining, but curious if you wanted to go or felt obligated?

Weddings are waaay out of hand. I am all for a couple 'having their day' but the more extravagant it is, they fewer guests they should anticipate. They ought to go into it knowing their very personal choices do not obligate anyone else, and that includes me a prospective mother of the bride x2. The smartest couples are banking what it costs for even a fairly modest wedding as things go these days.

I think it's crazy but it's consistent with the "all about me" generation that grew up with and is extremely influenced by social media. And perhaps individuals who were raised in a manner that prevented disappointment from ever having to go without whatever they wanted. We've attended two destination weddings that weren't terribly extravagant but obviously some considerable expense for us since they weren't in our city. Had we not been very close friends with this family we would not have attended. Likewise there's no way in he!! I would have spent the money to attend the wedding you describe and fortunately I'm pretty sure I don't know anyone who would put me in a position to do so.

Forgot to mention in this thread, my DD and SIL did not follow along with their crowd. After a bit of thought, including destination and court house weddings, they elected to have a small wedding. 25 family members attended, at our house. It worked out perfectly, my DD was so happy they went small, she thought all her bride friends were so stressed out on their wedding day and she did not want the day to be stressful. We also offered them $ for the wedding, toward a house, travel or whatever. They elected to use most of the $ toward their house down payment in the near future.

It seems to me that the current focus is far too much on one day (i.e., "the wedding"), and not focusing enough on the actual marriage that is going to follow.

I don't get it. I genuinely don't understand it. I love a good party, but it seems like it's gotten out of hand. I've heard of people I know taking out loans to finance the wedding.

One of the best decisions I’ve ever made was eloping. No pressure, no stress, just an awesome vacation we got married during. Honeymoon started immediately after the ceremony.

When did it become a thing to make weddings weekend affairs?

I think it was when people began getting married later in their lives, so friends/family are more scattered and need to travel long distances to get to the wedding, even if it's in the bride's hometown. Hence the 'Welcome Party/Dinner' the night before so people aren't left on their own.

Nearly every wedding we've been to in the last 10-15 years has had such a party, and a Sunday brunch the day after. We quite enjoy them, as the weddings have tended to be in cities, and we make mini-vacations out of them.

I would have attempted to discourage an invitation. Had I still received one, I would have politely declined. I would have mailed a check for 25% of the amount you sent which I would consider generous. If the couple found the amount insulting, they would be free to not cash it.

The weekend long wedding does have its reasons. For example, my son and his fiancée both grew up here in Southern Oregon. However, they now work in New York. Their friends from college and high school are scattered around the country. Many have settled in Portland, so they have decided to have their wedding in Portland, since it has a major airport and is closer to both of their families than New York. Since many of their guests will be arriving from out of town they will have an informal picnic or barbecue the night before the wedding.

The wedding was a nice event, and I would not say it was particularly extravagant in the big scheme of things but it seemed to me that even though the families and friends of both bride and groom were essentially working class, and from the guests that I did know, who are working class, that this sort of wedding and reception was absolutely de rigueur for around here in that set. A wedding that I went to a few years back with exactly the same demographic but from rural counties in the area was Much more modest. I think to some extent it is a City Mouse vs. Country Mouse sort of thing.

Pretty much all the weddings I have been to for this generation have been financed almost entirely by the couples themselves and were paid for in cash leaving no debt. And that includes the wedding I went to which was at a Cathedral Basilica followed by the Ritz, followed by a breakfast, to the two I described above, the most modest of which was lower level catering and cash bar. I am not familiar with people going into debt for their weddings. In each case there was something that seemed relatively "to scale" regarding what was expected.

That said, of course, I felt like all of them were a lot of money for one day. All of these couples have also come up with down payments for houses in short order, so it's not like the couples are incapable of saving money, but practical me thinks of how much money they would have had for the down payment had they not spent X on the reception.

With the Basilica/Ritz wedding I know that one option was to be married abroad, to which some of their friends would have be able to attend anyway and used it as a vacation. One of their ideas in having it locally was to invite elderly (95-ish) grandparents --both of whom died very close to the actual wedding anyway. We attended a wedding reception with my dad when he was almost 90 and although he wanted to go to the ceremony, as soon as he ate some of the lavish food before the meal, he more or less wanted to go home hours before the whole thing was over.

The two $200K + weddings where the couples did not stay married, well, that was in a set where the parents pay 100% of everything, comes with paying for private school and college pretty much out of pocket, and also comes with a relatively high rate of divorce. I mean one of the mothers had plastic surgery and almost $50K in dental veneers done before the wedding as well. Again I think it's what's expected more or less. Because one of my nieces used to be involved in catering and planning (not weddings exclusively) that the bill for Flowers can easily top $10K for the event, and even that would involve trying to "keep costs down" on her part.

One of my students recently got married in a church and had a relatively large reception and it was for the benefit of the groom's parents. The couple has been together more than a dozen years and they wanted to go to the courthouse get married and call it done. The women in her family have also not taken the husband's name in several generations. Only because of her (now) husband's parents did they have a public ceremony, a sit-down dinner reception and did she change her last name.

As for declining weddings, for the weddings I get invited to, if they are in the area that's pretty much a non-starter as far as I am concerned. I do not enjoy such events automatically if that makes sense--I am fine once I get there, but there is a lot of anxiety leading up to the "mostly strangers" event, and some crash afterwards. But really since it was so close by, she would have been insulted by my not making the effort. And I can't say I disagree, really. It was not a big reception so getting invited was no small deal.

I was invited to a wedding that the save the date said Manhattan, my friends are here, bride and groom based in NYC area. Because of Covid the wedding was postponed and it is now in Texas. I feel like my friend would really be insulted if I had not gone to the Manhattan wedding, but I am not going to the Texas wedding and my friend will Not be insulted by that. And my present will probably be more because I am Not spending a lot to Get there. That's fine.

I want to make it clear that non of these brides/couples are the "bridezilla" type where there are expectations about how much their wedding gift should be worth, getting uninvited for not participating in showers or bachelor parties or any of these things.

I am sure there were relatives that gave $75 or whatever, which probably did not cover the per head cost and it was fine. I am sure I could have given less than $400 and it would have been fine. I don't think the expectations are that specific. But I just wanted to be current with what people are doing and that was the consensus. Honestly for a one time expenditure I feel like $100 or $400-well, there's not a lot of difference there, it's not taking food of my table or anything, and expressing one's feelings about what sort of wedding someone else should have, not being happy about spending extraneous money or travel or something to wear, or the fact that they want cash rather than a gift (which when I was growing up and in my circle was considered in poor taste) well, whatever, making a statement by giving a lower amount as a gift, that is just not going to be the battleground I die on.

I’m beginning to see not only exrravagant weddings, pre/post-wedding events but also over-the-top bridal showers, baby showers, gender reveals …

DH and i spent a grand total of $45 to get married in the court house — $35 in witness fees, plus bus fare and takeout pizza. That was 30+ years ago. Not a bad investment, IMHO.

@Allison0704

Did I want to go, or did I feel obligated.

Well. . . I never really want to go to wedding receptions or larger events like that, so I guess I feel obligated. But that doesn't mean I don't have a good time once I am there, even if it is just because of people watching. My favorite sort of thing is to go out to dinner with people I know I will be able to have a conversation with. I used to be somewhat involved in the club scene when I was much younger here and in Manhattan, and I never had any problem with that because I didn't know anybody at all except the friend I went with. sometimes. Complete anonymity was never a problem because there are no particular expectations. But receptions are sort of a tightrope of being expected to have a good time, to socialize on a different level than you normally would with people where you may have only a peripheral relationship, and being able to drink, dance, and things like that without either looking like a complete stiff, nor falling into the band or knocking something over. Then you go back to working with them. For me it's a lot of pressure.

But I also don't get the current sort of mentality that nobody has to feel obligated to do anything they don't want to, no questions asked. Obligation is not necessarily a bad thing.

I know it's not totally accurate but there's a bit of truth to say it's all the Kardashian's fault! And I say that without ever having seen any of the shows about them or intentionally keeping up with any of them ;-)

I've been to a few over the top weddings and bar/bat mitzvahs and they make me extremely uncomfortable. Have never been invited to a true destination wedding and would probably find a way to not go if it ever happens. I don't consider being invited to a wedding that I have to travel to in the destination category - went to my niece's wedding in CA but that's her home - so we rented an airbnb and made a mini family reunion out of it.

DH and I married in my parent's back yard (not my childhood home, they had already moved) with family and friends - 65 people total. We paid for it ourselves and kept it simple but I don't think there was anything missing. We didn't send our gests away with extravagant favors (actually no favors at all) and no one stopped speaking to us.

Well yes, the Kardashians are the symptom of a major social ill in this country as far as I am concerned, and while I wish them no individual ill, if they had never existed at all an entire part of a generation, mostly girls and young women, might feel a lot better about their lot in life.

But they are really a symptom of various old media and social media influences that have made people have certain expectations of lifestyle while having to do nothing substantive to achieve it. And Pinterest, Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook are all platforms for the phony.

Sounds like me, Pal.

Yeah, I say we wouldn't go, but then I would feel bad not going and go anyway (as long as it was family or close friend)... and I would have a good time. But DH would hate that he had to stay up past his bedtime.

I was thinking that the first weddings I went to as an adult were mostly Fire Hall, Church Hall, etc. sorts of receptions and it was pretty much a standard thing that, between the ceremony and the reception--that gap during which the wedding photos were taken-- that you would go to the McDonalds Drive Thru and get something to eat because at the wedding you never knew quite what the quality of food was going to be, and it was likely that there would not be an abundance of it. There really were quantum leaps, I think, with what people did for (and expected at) wedding receptions between the 1980s, the 1990s, and the 2000s.

I think what the topmost elite do can influence cultural expectations and preferences for all, but don't forget that there is a huge bridal business sector now and demand for lavish weddings means profits for a great many businesses. That also can drive expectations and preferences I believe.

My sons are 32 and 34 and one got married July of 2020 and the other is getting married next April. They have both been to a couple of weddings in 2020 and 2021. The one thing that covid has done for their weddings and those of their friends is to change the dynamics of them. They both went to a lot fewer weddings than if covid did not exist and those that they did go to are a whole lot smaller.

The wedding for first son was supposed to be 120 at a fancy restaurant and then covid hit. They could have postponed but all they wanted to do was to get married. There were no showers, no weekend bachelor/bachelorette getaways (when did that become a thing?) and the wedding was 12 people in the brides parents backyard with dinner. They were thrilled and so glad not to have done the big party.

A couple of their friends, second son included, are doing a weekend away for 20 people which is immediate family and best friends only. It is on a lake about a two hour drive away and son and fiance are paying for the accommodation and food for the weekend. Both sons got a cheque from us to do as they pleased.

In their circle the big weddings are just not happening and everyone, parents included, seem to be really happy about it.

It seems like for a long time weddings tried to emulate Hollywood, and now we are trying to emulate Pinterest and Reality TV. I so miss the days of a wedding being a reflection of how the family hosting the event normally entertained.

On the contrary, weddings in my generation seemed much more extravagant and obligatory in the customary expenses. I think younger generations are exposed to more creativity, a relaxed set of expectations, and more sensitivity for what things cost. Social media can heighten expectations for some, but it can also offer a wider expansion for what a loving union really means. It depends upon your perspective and what you follow.

@1929Spanish-GW What a lovely wedding photo! It looked utterly tasteful and, most importantly, everyone looked so happy to be there.

Spanish, what a stunning bride-to-be you were. Perfect looking group picture, such a joyful vibe. Your wedding sounds like it was an utter delight.

Thanks ladies!

If only Feathers. I have observed "the idea of wider expansion for what a loving union really means." translated into all these insane destination weddings that by happenstance add up to MAJOR $$ for everyone!

Photo booths at weddings seem to be a symptom of our selfie culture. Those Ive seen personally have given (unintentionally, I’m certain) a school carnival or prom feeling to the proceedings regardless of how fancy the equipment. It seems like something one would hire to keep the kids occupied at a large, multigenerational affair, but people dont seem to want children at their weddings nowadays 🤔

Spanish, what a perfectly lovely picture and you and your gown are beautiful!

I grow up lower middle class with a large working/lower class extended family. Weddings are big group events strictly because there are a lot of us, close in proximity and relatively close as extended families go.

I planned a later in life wedding and the budget was higher than I wanted and expected, but the vast majority was food and drink. It just gets pricey to feed a lot of people! I would say everything else was pretty cheap, I got a dress from overstock.

Now, many years later, I definitely would elope - but back then we liked parties and wanted to host a big one for friends and family. Which is the big point of weddings, I feel, bringing people together. Otherwise just have a marriage.

When we were planning our wedding we put a great deal of thought into what would make our guests and family comfortable, so most things were geared to minimize their expense and maximize their comfort. There were jeans (to be expected from my side). The venue was cool (museum) but comfortable and local to everyone. We had elderly grandparents attending so we made sure the venue was accessible for them.

I always thought destination weddings were very selfish but I get it now, for some it’s the only polite way to cut down on the guest list.

Spanish, beautiful wedding and beautiful bride!

My DD is in her 20s and lives with her bf. I feel they’ll get married at some point, and if so, I know it’ll be a very small event. She loathes social media, and the concept of showing off. But her personality is very quiet anyway. Her group of friends is the same, the ones who are married now didn’t have big, outlandish weddings.

(I certainly don’t mean to come across like I’m criticizing big, showy weddings. If it makes the couple happy, good for them. Some people are very outgoing and into social events, have lots of family and friends who want to participate, etc. But yes, regarding Pal’s OP, I think they need to consider the financial aspects of it for their guests.)

ETA: Robo, was posting at same time as you! Similar thoughts. :)

Yes, as I said this isn't really a complaint or criticism, just an observation of trends.

I am just imagining that the pressures I have felt as a guest (mostly self-inflicted) might be magnified for the wedding party.

Just some random things that I have remembered about wedding planning and weddings, that I have heard among family and friends.

Initial guest lists: the bride "absolutely must invite list" of relatives was about two dozen, the groom's mother presented a rock-bottom list of "must invite" relatives of 400.

Bride does not remember any details of the wedding ceremony at all she said it was like she woke up in the middle of her own wedding reception.

I was at a reception where a group of guests left the reception, ate a meal somewhere else, and then came back to the reception (multicultural wedding). On the flip side of this, as an intentional counterpoint to the relatively fancy wedding, the rehearsal dinner was also large because of out of towners and it was held in a large eat-in/take out ethnic restaurant in a strip mall. (VCT, folding chairs, cafeteria style tables etc.) I ordered a dish and the waiter said "No, you don't want that" and I said "no, it's okay" and he said "I'll bring you this" and pointed at something else on the menu "And I said no, it's okay I want (what I ordered)" and he said "Americans hate that, you don't want it" Finally, he did let me order it, and when I was eating it he came back and said " You hate it right? I bring you something else"

Bride says " I am so sorry that you were not able to come to the wedding" Co-worker says " I was there, we had a conversation, we danced together."

I have been to a few $200K+ weddings...but they were all from cultures where the guests expect to spend a lot on travel and outfits (e.g. saris) and culturally also contribute lots of cash to the happy couple. I think that's one way to have a good fancy party without going too far in the doghouse - but it's very culture dependent.

My wedding (second) was four years ago. I wouldn't change a thing. We got married at an old inn in upstate NY, had an amazing band (we planned our date on their availability), found my dress on sale at Bhldn for $400, centerpieces were lanterns witth flowers around them (we used Wegman's Florist) my bouquet was filled with big, fat peach and pink roses and our cake had handpainted peonies and hummingbirds on it. We had a great photographer, open bar and 100 guests (tons of family.) I think we spent about $35K, maybe a bit more.

Best day ever.

our cake:

^^^ Beautiful couple! :)

Jojo, your dress is gorgeous!

By the time my daughter married, she had been in 3 weddings (college housemates) and thought that they were all over the top and too stressful. She determined that hers would be much more low key.

Even though she wore a gorgeous wedding gown and had the bouquet of her dreams, the wedding was held at the groom’s grandparents’ home (a beautiful home that was also convenient for all living grandparents to get to). There were a total of 18 people, including the wedding party. The reception was a sit-down dinner in a private dining room at a favorite restaurant where everyone ordered off the menu. The ”honeymoon” was 12 of the 18, including the parents, going to the beach for a week the next day (I shook my head, but it was what she and DSIL wanted. It also meant that DH and I plus the grooms’ parents picked up all the expenses of the trip. HA!)

The money that I would have spent on the wedding was used as a down payment on their first house 3 months later.

Jojo, I remember all the details and planning, doesn't seem like four years!

That cake!

Jojo, I don't think I have seen that photo before You are just beautiful!

Just scrolled back, Spanish, you too. Lovely!

Such lovely dresses. @jojoco DD2 also bought her dress from Bhldn. They did a greenhouse elopement at the Botanical Gardens, with just bride, groom, DGS, the photographer and the groom's BFF officiated. Dinner and dancing afterwards with family and friends. Simple, yet elegant (and fun!) evening. Like the above posters, the food was the most expensive line item.

She looks so beautiful, Allison! Love that dress (and flowers).

If money is no object....then money is no object. (Yeah, I know, I'm brilliant. Ha.)

If someone has the cash to spend, I hold zero opinions how they should spend it. That's the beauty of America. :) How someone chooses to spend discretionary income is up to you.

My concern is that there seems to be huge pressure to make the wedding An Event to Remember anymore. Too many people are focused on planning a party, and not thinking about the fact that means you're (allegedly) going to be spending the rest of your life with this person.

As I said, I know people who took out loans to provide An Event to Remember for their daughters' wedding/s. Half of those weddings are already over. I'm not sure I see the value in spending multiples of tens of thousands of dollars that they had to borrow, particularly on something that is a transitory state for about half the people who enter into a marriage anymore.

I'd like to see more people focus on the actual marriage itself, rather than the party which precedes it. :-/

Weddings, though, can be memorable or not for various reasons, and I am not sure that lavishness is the biggest part of that. I have been to some really fun weddings that were vary basic, and I have been to some lavish ones that were okay or that I don't really remember much about. Two that I went to had really exceptional food, and one had a very good and engaging band, and those things were great, but really a lot of events more or less seem to blur together, and it seems like the same happens even to the couple, they don't remember much.

And unfortunately some of the things that people remember are things that happen rather than the event. A wedding I did not go to, the mother of the bride drunkenly danced and fell into the band knocking a bunch of things over and bringing things to a halt. Pulling down an entire Christmas tree was another. One of my college friends went to a wedding where the police were called and people ended up in the emergency room. That wedding was annulled within days.

Drunken relatives are a free side effect. :)

it seems like the same happens even to the couple, they don't remember much.

That's because of nerves. A wedding, no matter how big or small, is stressful in the days/weeks/months leading up to the big day. Then, on the wedding day, whether you like to be the center of attention or not, many brides and grooms are a bundle of nerves. Happy nerves, anxious nerves, scared nerves (sometimes). You go on autopilot. I was less stressed as MOH x 2, but at our own small wedding... neither of us loved standing in front of the small crowd saying our vows. Given a do-over, I would elope. Our 40th anniversary is the 26th.