The answer to the original question is no. No children and have lived alone for most of the last 40 years. Can't imagine living with any one. (Think spinster aunt, with cat(s) and big car with low mileage that everybody wants to buy.) Saving my money for in-home care. With the advent of Uber, grocery delivery, etc. I think it will be easier to age in place.

Also, I think one of the reasons women live a little longer is we tend to go to yearly health exams.

I wont mind living with kids, grandkids, whichever. I will likely have someone come live with me.

I’ll have to see which one is my favourite grandchild.

I hope never to have to live with my children. My mil had her mother living with her and she had no life of her own given the care her mother needed. My own mother, nearly 104, is in her own home with 24 / 7 caregivers.The cost is astronomical. I could save money by living with her but my sanity has value, too. Anyway, its her money, not mine. I hope I can stay in my own home until the end, but I would sooner move to assisted living than burden my kids.

This past summer we went through an agonizing decision to cancel a planned buying of a townhouse that is close to our daughter and her family.

The idea of moving out of our home and into a townhouse had hubs on the very brink of a nervous breakdown. So, we did not do that.

After having an outing with daughter, grandson and SIL a couple of weekends ago, it confirms some of the apprehension that I had about our moving so close to them. We came close to buying the house next door to them, too. But, that did not work out for other reasons.

Now I realize that if we lived too close it would be too hard to not get involved in the dynamics of her family and it would be me trying to not see the household chores that dont get done and to not be critical of their lifestyle. I think she would grow to resent me.

Now we are trying to age in place all by ourselves. I dont want to base my old age plans on having to live with one our two grown kids and thier families. I have my own private life, too.

Our daughter in law is from China and her parents are supposed to come here as legal residents this coming October. They often come and stay for extended lengths of time. Son has a three bedroom house and two kids. Grand daughter is going to have to give up her room and move in with her little brother. It is going to be tight.

One thing that I see happening with this is the fact that this will come the time when the daughter has to step up and care for the parents. In the past it has always been that they came to her and they did everything for her. Her mom was here for the first few months of life for each of the grand kids. DIl got waited on and pampered entirely!!! The shoe is going to be on the other foot soon and I dont think that she is emotionally strong enough for it. They will, legally, be dependents of son and his wife. My son is a good man and is accepting of them. Eventuallly, a more suitable living arrangment wil be made. But, for a while it is going to be tight. They need their own condo somewhere close.

I think that the political/social situation in this country is a big detterent to them moving here. This is a world in turmoil, they are late 60s and each of them still has living parents in China. It is going to be hard for them, very hard. Their daughter, our son, and the two little ones are their entire family outside of the aged parents. And, that little family is totally American. The grandkids dont even understand Chinese.

I cant imagine moving to the other side of the world at that age and leaving everything that I ever knew and not speaking the language. Not at this age, no. If you are 25, or 35, maybe.

This idea that older generations living in is a 'burden' is not one of the better values that is being pressed upon the populous these days. How sad we allow such a narrow mind set be the reigning "authority " and we don't push back, challenge the selfishness of such me me mememe ideology. It is not a burden for loved one's to participate in the entire circle of life. It is not a burden for children to deal with a parent's household--it is cathartic. It is not a burden but a HELP for generations to share the work of raising children/grand children. It's all how you look at it and our vision has been stilted, my the selfish "do as I please, my CHOICE" generation.

Not sure that^^ is what this thread is about. Everyone has their own situations and people are all quite different. There are many people, MANY, that have their parents live with them, even today. But there are also many that are unable to do so, for many MANY reasons. Don't assume. Because you know what that means.

I'm not sure that my kids would view me as a burden but I'm the one who doesn't want to live with them.

@FinallyHome - With the advent of Uber, grocery delivery, etc. I think it will be easier to age in place. That is a really good point which I hadn't thought of or taken into consideration for our own situation. Not only that but there are also things such as Fresh Dishes (meals that are delivered with full instructions on how to prepare them. Our son and his wife use those a couple of times a week.

Millions of elderly Americans are warehoused, subjects of huge conglomerates where 'care' is impersonal and secondary to profit. The culture reminds me of orphanages, just at the other end of life.

Some nursing/senior homes are excellent, with planned activities, good meals, good care. Others, as Chisue has said, are warehouses, where the senior's items sometimes are stolen, where care is so deficient that some get huge bedsores from not being turned frequently enough, medication errors, and in general minimal care. While it is easy enough to say that those enrolling the seniors should do adequate research, many of the excellent places are simply beyond the financial reach of families who are not affluent.

OMG, Wednesday, I cant even imagine that situation. Her parents will be their responsibility until they die. Better for you to have some distance and help out as you are able, not get sucked in to more than you can manage.

Aging in place and using Uber, etc. is great if you never develop dementia. That was my mother’s plan , well to be honest she had no plan, just her head firmly planted in the sand. She did not have the skills to use Uber or anything else. Finally she had a car accident, fortunately the only injuries were to cars. . Could have been so much worse. No more driving , so I drove her where she needed to go. Then i discovered piles of mail that had uncashed checks and realized I had to manage her finances. After that, her mental ability declined to the point where she could not be alone. After a couple of harrowing weeks of caring for her day and night, I hired full time caregivers. You would faint if I told you what that costs, but she can afford it.

On top of her care, I am also responsible for her huge house and property. How I wish she had moved to a retirement community. Both of our lives would be better.

Anyway, all of this is to say, don’t count on aging in place. It’s often just not possible. Give your kids a break and have a solid plan for aging and that includes what will happen if your mental and physical abilities decline, and they will.

On top of that, there is an acute shortage of caregivers. Ill post a link to an NYT article, although it may be behind a paywall.Caring for the dying

There should be rigorous enforcement to ensure that all people in such facilities receive at least a minimum standard of decent and acceptable care. No matter what anyone's economic means are and even for those whose accommodations are provided by public programs.

With that in mind, people with greater financial resources are able to spend their lives in larger homes in safer neighborhoods and with more comforts than do folks with limited means. Being able to afford the better and so-called "excellent" facilities in twilight years than others can is not any different. Having minimum standards for all would narrow the gap, no one should suffer in deficient facilities. .

Having minimum standards for all would narrow the gap, no one should suffer in deficient facilities. .

There are numerous federal and state standards to assure decent care. Currently, the problem is enforcement which is overwhelmed and insufficient mostly due to slender government budgets in this area.

The nursing home knows when they are going to be surveyed, on that day it is often in uncharacteristically good shape (if it is a poor care one). In addition, creating the survey report takes time, and additional time is given for compliance of any given deficiencies, but subsequent compliance checks take even more time. This gives the home plenty of time to be substandard.

Also, the nursing home can 'answer' deficiences, framing them to try to show that they are not its fault. They can then appeal, keep the issue on the back burner for a huge amount of time.

Because the nursing home is run for profit, the poor ones pay their help extremely low wages for what is a difficult job, and there is a huge turnover, so there are often staffing problems. That is simply another deficiency.

And let us not forget the joys of conservatorship, as discussed in this New Yorker piece from a few years ago. A stranger may take over all your assets and personal freedoms, with little or no cause.

From the New Yorker:

For years, Rudy North woke up at 9 a.m. and read the Las Vegas Review-Journal while eating a piece of toast. Then he read a novel—he liked James Patterson and Clive Cussler—or, if he was feeling more ambitious, Freud. On scraps of paper and legal notepads, he jotted down thoughts sparked by his reading. “Deep below the rational part of our brain is an underground ocean where strange things swim,” he wrote on one notepad. On another, “Life: the longer it cooks, the better it tastes.”

Rennie, his wife of fifty-seven years, was slower to rise. She was recovering from lymphoma and suffered from neuropathy so severe that her legs felt like sausages. Each morning, she spent nearly an hour in the bathroom applying makeup and lotions, the same brands she’d used for forty years. She always emerged wearing pale-pink lipstick. Rudy, who was prone to grandiosity, liked to refer to her as “my amour.”

On the Friday before Labor Day, 2013, the Norths had just finished their toast when a nurse, who visited five times a week to help Rennie bathe and dress, came to their house, in Sun City Aliante, an “active adult” community in Las Vegas. They had moved there in 2005, when Rudy, a retired consultant for broadcasters, was sixty-eight and Rennie was sixty-six. They took pride in their view of the golf course, though neither of them played golf.

Rudy chatted with the nurse in the kitchen for twenty minutes, joking about marriage and laundry, until there was a knock at the door. A stocky woman with shiny black hair introduced herself as April Parks, the owner of the company A Private Professional Guardian. She was accompanied by three colleagues, who didn’t give their names. Parks told the Norths that she had an order from the Clark County Family Court to “remove” them from their home. She would be taking them to an assisted-living facility. “Go and gather your things,” she said.

Rennie began crying. “This is my home,” she said.

One of Parks’s colleagues said that if the Norths didn’t comply he would call the police. Rudy remembers thinking, You’re going to put my wife and me in jail for this? But he felt too confused to argue.

Parks drove a Pontiac G-6 convertible with a license plate that read “crtgrdn,” for “court guardian.” In the past twelve years, she had been a guardian for some four hundred wards of the court. Owing to age or disability, they had been deemed incompetent, a legal term that describes those who are unable to make reasoned choices about their lives or their property. As their guardian, Parks had the authority to manage their assets, and to choose where they lived, whom they associated with, and what medical treatment they received. They lost nearly all their civil rights.

Without realizing it, the Norths had become temporary wards of the court. Parks had filed an emergency ex-parte petition, which provides an exception to the rule that both parties must be notified of any argument before a judge. She had alleged that the Norths posed a “substantial risk for mismanagement of medications, financial loss and physical harm.” She submitted a brief letter from a physician’s assistant, whom Rennie had seen once, stating that “the patient’s husband can no longer effectively take care of the patient at home as his dementia is progressing.” She also submitted a letter from one of Rudy’s doctors, who described him as “confused and agitated.”

https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2017/10/09/how-the-elderly-lose-their-rights

If you have no *family* -- or they are estranged -- no one is going to protect you. The orphanage comparison is more apt than I first thought.

There was a movie called "I Care a Lot " based on that story. It is scary what they can do and the laws are on their side. We talked to a lawyer about our will, especialy in regards to our son. He wanted us to turn everthing over to a court guardian. We couldn't get out of there fast enough.

And there are no good places for someone like our son. We have looked, researched and talked to several professionals for the last 15 years. I have visited some of the places for disabled adults and I wouldn't board my dogs there.

caflowerluver, i live in central VA. there is a remarkable facility nearby called Innisfree.

http://www.innisfreevillage.org/ your family situation seems like its working for younow but i wonder if this might be helpful to know about.

Lisaam - thanks. I will check it out.

Writing about Innisfree reminded me of a funny story. for my business i eas delivering a birthday cake to a girl who lives there. on the driveway i saw a young woman wearing a tiara. i sussed that she is the birthday girl. drove her and the cake to her cabin.

That Las Vegas incident in the NYer article was a one-off criminal con racket, not something to be considered as a broad risk many may face. Irresponsible reporting by the New Yorker as far as I can see. This overly-sensationalized and misleading story has had a longer life than the typical Internet hoax stories people believe and fall for. The perpetrators were convicted of criminal conduct and sentenced to jail sentences - for one individual involved in those LV incidents, the sentence was 16-40 years.

These are not real risks for most people. Conservatorships and court appointments of untrustworthy individuals or non-relatives are not common. I can see where cafloweluvr's situation might be one of the exceptions where a lot of advance research and prep may be required to insure proper care for their son, and the need to engage professional services and oversight (whether that's their preference or not).

Conservatorships are common when an elderly, unmarried person becomes unable to look after their own affairs for any particular reason, like declining cognitive functioning or even any of the various forms of dementia. A family members or someone with a close relationship, often those already named to be estate executor or a trustee, gets involved before death rather than after. My mother, the previously named executor of her sister's estate, got a court order to be named as the conservator of her sister's affairs when the onset of my aunt's dementia prevented managing her own affairs herself. That's a typical case.

All of these arrangements can be set up by people of advancing years long before the need arises to have them in place.

"The culture reminds me of orphanages, just at the other end of life."

Pretty much, and for the same reasons (dependants in need of care, with no family members available to provide care). Do you think a foster-family alternative would be possible?

I hope there is never a foster system for aging adults. The foster system for children is full of horrible people, who only foster for the money. The horror stories I have heard from friends and acquaintances who have been through that system make me sick. I imagine that the majority of people who would jump at the chance to foster the elderly would be doing so to take advantage of them.

one-off

Maybe so. But it happened to my half brother. I'm not sure how one can judge how much abuse of the system is going on. It would seem, if it was organized, that a lot of people besides the guardian would profit by such financial abuse.

Fine, if not "one-off", how about "rare"?

Is/was your half brother someone who was reasonably astute and with qualified advisors or was he unprotected and taken advantage of? A sad but too common story but more commonly in other contexts.

Having spent my career as a professional financial and business advisor, and with an untold number of friends and professional colleagues who did the same, it's something I never encountered or heard of.

Scoundrels and their con rackets appear from time to time and dupe innocents. Names like Ponzi and Madoff are recognized and there have been innumerable copycats but there have also been tens of thousands of others who perhaps were less flagrant and less successful and so less well publicized.

Fine, if not "one-off", how about "rare"?

I believe it is far more common than you believe. However, as always, you are welcome to have your own opinion.

I think you misunderstood my comment.

The substance of what I said comes from my experiences during a 35 year career where had much or any of that been going on in my area or had it happened to one of my clients, I would likely have heard about it directly or indirectly. There was not one instance of advisor fraud in my area during that time. There was an active advisor community and an unbelievable number of very wealthy, somewhat wealthy, and plenty who were comfortable with enough in the bank in the area. The vast majority of whom employed plenty of advisors of all kinds because even basic financial and legal knowledge and common sense about same were well beyond anything they knew or understood.

The opinion part was my speculating why it could be that fraud, theft or misappropriate of client funds was so uncommon.

My half brother was in California when it happened to him.

Which changes what? How many incidents did you encounter in a working career in a relevant field or hear about from others besides this one?

I don't have plans to. I live alone and love it. However if I have to I would. I would be content with any of my children, if it would come to that.

Sue

It’s certainly not anywhere on my radar or something I would choose to do. I love my son in law and my daughter and I are very close but we’d drive each other nuts. What I love though is that they are only 5 minutes (literally) down the road from me and are happy to stop by if I need help with something.

After my mother passed away, my father lived with us for his last 7 years. We have two children, a son and daughter who shared a bedroom while Dad was with us. He was an integral part of our family. He and my husband became buddies. Our children have said living with their grandfather was the best part of their childhood.

Fast forward to today, we are in our forever home and guess what...both kids are back and home and 4 year old our grandson lives with us as well.

We all pitch in and take care of each other. It isn't always easy but it works for us. There are definitely benefits to a multigenerational household.

As we age, we will reevaluate our living arrangements. I imagine both kids will move out at some point but who knows. We just started work on a lower level suite just in case...

My son, his wife, and their HS senior son are staying here while their house is being remodeled, and until they have a bathroom there again. Which should be in two or three days. For Christmas, they all get the gift of life, I will not kill anyone. I have been up against it many time in the past 3+ weeks. I love them, but DH have lived alone for many many years. Right now, I'd give anything to be alone.

The short answer? No

The long answer? Absolutely not

I thought I'd replied to this thread when it was fresh, but don't see my comment about my paternal grandfather. A lifelong sponger, he would rotate between living with each of his six adult children and their families. He started dragging my poor DGM from kid to kid in middle age. His wife died in her seventies, worn out. The sons paid their widowed sister to house him 'temporarily'. He lived to 100!

I’m 71, widowed a decade ago, and newly retired. Earlier this year I built an ADU in the unfinished basement of my home. When I first conceived of the idea (pre pandemic), I planned to rent it out (the going monthly rate here would pay my mortgage, property taxes, insurance and utilities), but now the plan is that my young adult daughter will live in it, and pay a fraction of that rent. All things considered, I’m delighted with this arrangement. We do get along very well; I’m happy for the company and she has a great place to live while she pursues grad school. There’s plenty of space if she and her boyfriend decided to move in together, too. I feel very fortunate.

Interesting to see this thread active again, because I few months ago, I discovered an organization in Canada called Canada HomeShare: They match college students looking to rent with seniors who have an extra room. I don't know if any locations in the US have something similar, but it sounds like a great idea: A home owner over 55 (I shudder to call that "senior") offers reduced rent on a room in their home (and kitchen access) to a college student, and in exchange, the student offers up to 7 hours of companionship or assistance with household tasks. I found it while looking to help a friend's mother, but I think it sounds like a great idea and I can absolutely see myself taking part in the program in the future.

The homeowner gets company/companionship/help with some tasks, and in exchange a student gets a break on rent. (Participants have police background screening checks and home safety inspections.)

^^^^^^^^ Au pairs for the aged. Having had many friends who used au pairs for their children, I don't think this arrangement will work out for the most part.

"I don't think this arrangement will work out for the most part."

Why not? I'm asking seriously. We're not talking about home health care, and unlike "au pairs for....children", the seniors are the ones who decide what their tenants do or don't do for them. I also think matching mixed generations is a good thing - better than seniors sharing together.

iDK, TV, I agree about mixing generations, but what I have seen with young people being asked to sort of do a job is that they skate a whole lot, and without parental supervision, they are MIA more often than not. Maybe this group would be more responsable? Maybe a very clear and tight job description would do the trick. Plus asking for seven hours is a very small ask, so maybe. Aupairs work more like 20 hours. It would surely be worth a try for someone amenable.

I've seen this work in two instances where a grandchild lives with a grandparent. In both cases it was a grandchild who'd 'failed to launch'. One pairing lasted about a year, but another continued for many years. (Grandson was a bachelor. Grandma was healthy but senile.)

I have a sister who had a grand live with them for a year to help out while my sister was ill and the grand in her first year of college. Responsible hardworking caring girl. It was great for both of them.

I have no children to live with so it is a moot question but I think it depends a lot on the older person. I vividly recall my grandfather deciding he would move in with us each winter when we settled in Florida. A four bedroom house with five kids still at home. He took a room, coopted the best chair, decided what we ate and when, dictated the tv channel and everything else that went on. He paid nothing. The second winter he and my mother came to grief (he was nasty to her) and my older married sister had to rescue him. My dad had just let it all happen. He needed to have a little talk with his father.

I hope I never need long term assistance. I hope I follow like previous generations and either stroke out or have a massive coronary event while still active and productive. But I always told my children to never feel guilty about putting me in a home. I took care of my self serving MIL for several years. I wouldn't put my kids through that. At that point my life is ending and they have many years of living left. They should be enjoying their lives, not be burdened with taking care of an old lady. If I had to live with a child because of mild health related reasons, it would definitely be my daughter. I wouldn't even consider living with my son.

Obviously I truly hope it doesn’t come to that. But if I have to, son #1 has said he would build me a grandma house in his backyard. I would be perfectly fine with that, and I would vastly prefer it rather than living IN his house.

I only have two boys. Son #2, a highly intelligent and successful professional (that I love very much), just doesn’t seem as compassionate as his brother. Hopefully fate does not align my future with his.

The "au pair for the aged" notion sounds like an awful idea. As Zalco suggests, I doubt that anyone who had this experience at the other end of the age spectrum would consider it.

We had a succession of au pairs when our kids were very young. They were good ones too, one was the daughter (whom we'd known in advance) of friends we made when living in Europe. Even with the best of the bunch, it was still like having another child in the home, albeit an older one, who needed parenting, oversight, and supervision. And most of whom were prone to making boneheaded, unfortunate decisions, sometimes with undesirable consequences. No thanks, been there, done that.

Nor would taking in a boarder, ie, renting a room, with the hope of some companionship or assistance, be of interest to many.

My wife and I agreed long ago we didn't wish to have any of our parents living with us. We've helped pay for expenses for her parents in nice senior residential facilities to ensure their happiness and wellbeing and ours too. My parents were financially self-sufficient.

I would not impose myself on any of my children, I think they know that. We have the means to cover our living arrangements no matter what may be required. I'll gladly move to senior facility if and when the time comes, the nice ones are really quite nice.

Family compound?

https://robbreport.com/shelter/home-design/why-multigenerational-estates-are-thriving-during-the-pandemic-2942236/

We planned ahead for this when we built our retirement home four years ago in the resort area where DD (our only) and DSIL have settled by building a duplex with them that preserved privacy between households but allows easy access when wanted Although we are hopefully still years away from needing help, it has proved to be mutually beneficial to both generations.

First, housing costs in this area are very high and even though the kids both have good jobs and are hard workers, because the build was primarily financed by the bank of mom and dad they have a nicer home in a high end neighborhood than they could otherwise afford. Second, we are available to help with DGS, age 4, when they need help (and they absolutely do not take advantage of this!). Because the kids both work full time, they sppreciate that I cook for all of us most weekday nights, it gives them more time with their son and I appreciate their help cleaning up after dinner. Built in dog sitters when one generation is traveling. DH and DSIL share yard duties DSIL can fix anything!

While the ”kids” may seem to be getting more benefit right now, to us having them and DGS next door is priceless and and, in the normal course of events, we will need their help more and more as we age. If life doesn’t follow the normal course, we built with potential resale in mind and one or both sides can be sold. Fortunately, it has turned out to be a very good investment because we purchased the lot while the area was still recovering from the 08 bust and built before the current building frenzy raised prices so much. Anything can happen in the next twenty or thirty years, but at present I believe we have our bases covered nicely.

"I doubt that anyone who had this experience at the other end of the age spectrum would consider it."

"Nor would taking in a boarder, ie, renting a room, with the hope of some companionship or assistance, be of interest to many."

They are interested, and they've worked out well. Lots of communities have launched inter-generational living projects of one type of another over the years, generally with good (but limited) results. Here are some case studies: https://intergenerationalhousing.wordpress.com/case-studies/

There's many more available, but they'll have to wait until I get home - it's almost 5 and we're closing

I am old and I am alone, but no, I would not. My daughter is a city girl. I could not live in the city. I have one goal in life now. That is to outlive my horses or at least to the point that I would feel okay putting them down. After that, I think I would pull the plug on myself. I have considered this for a very long time. The thing is, it needs to be done before you get to the point that you are unable to do it. I hope this doesn't sound sinister. I don't look at it that way, just as hopefully an option I would be able to have. Please, no comments on how suicide is selfish.

I have no grandchildren. Only a few relatives that I haven't seen in years (other than my daughter). I am extremely healthy....just as my mother was. She lived well into her 90's, but was in a nursing home for the last 6 1/2 years of her life. She fell and hit her head, and never completely recovered from that. My daughter was small at the time and my first obligation was to her, but due to my mother's extreme good health physically, she lived a long time, and either my husband or I visited her almost every day. You have to, to make sure they are being properly cared for. I hate to think that I could end up like that. I hated it for my mother too. So, that is always in the back of my mind.

"There's many more available, but they'll have to wait until I get home - it's almost 5 and we're closing"

Today's installment of dismissing common sense and personal experiences of contributors and others known by them and, in the absence of personal experiences, suggesting instead information from Google searches.

I won't be replying to such comments in the future.

Dismissing other's experiences? No, that's your thing.....you're very dismissive of other's experiences when they result in different conclusions than yours. Dismissing common sense? Nope, I think there's a lot of common sense in mixing generations, and common sense to realize that there are people can recognize the pros and cons of their options, and choose well. Those pros and cons may not be the same as your list, but they're no less valid.

Other examples of intergenerational living arrangements that are working:

https://communitylivingsolutions.com/the-rise-of-intergenerational-senior-living/ Lists several programs in the US; interestingly, at one (Bridge Meadows) it's the seniors who have to commit to spending 6 hours a week with children who live in the community. Seniors are also required to commit to about 7 hours a week at Genesis, an intergenerational project in DC: http://genesis.generationsofhope.org/to-apply/