I think doing nothing but watching tv each day is a horrible habit! I would give her an hour or two per day tops.

I recently felt like my kids were playing video games too much so I started video game free days. On those days we play board games and play toys and other things with the kids to keep them off video games. Maybe you could have tv free days in your home?

As for her wanting to be so close to her dad I have the same problem with my ss. I often joke with my husband that if he got any closer his head would end up in my husbands rear end! With my ss I think it is just that my dh works a lot and he wants time with his daddy.

You need to give sd attention, but she should also be able to play alone at times. Maybe get her interested in some crafts or things that take a while to complete.

When me and dh feel like we need some alone time we send the kids to bed a little early and tell them that if they want they can watch a movie in their bed.

No matter what you need to have a discussion with dh and get on the same page with all of this. Otherwise you will be fighting an uphill battle.

i didn't have that problem with my sons they were to active. i wouldn't allow it to be on all day and someone laying there like a vegetable. if it was a step child and i had no control of the situation i would put a tv in their bedroom and shut the door.

i have friends that turn on the tv when they return home or get up in the AM, it's on constantly. i don't see how they can stand the noise. i have watched more tv in the last 6 weeks than i have in the last 5 years because i am trying to heal my arm by being still. it's driving me crazy, i hate it.

We dont have cable. I used to when the kids were younger, and I found that there was nothing on the television that was doing anything positive for them, so we got rid of the cable. Sure ,there are worthwhile programs, like Discovery channel, but my kids wouldnt watch those channels. THey would fill their heads up with reality shows, and smart mouth sitcoms.

I dont think any of us miss it. Our living room is a library. We are readers, and we are active people. Tv is something that becomes a habit for most people, and not truly entertainment. It also shapes people in ways that are not always positive. An entirely different section of your brain is used when you read, than when you watch tv.

Maybe everyone needs a tv break for a while, to get over the habit. The new switch to digital, which is making many tvs obsolete without the convertor box, might be a good excuse. Of course, your husband may have to get onboard, and thats not always easy. ANything that is a habit is hard to break.

at age ten kids certainly should have limit few hours a day only. set up a limit. there are other people in the family who want to watch TV and she should not monopolize the living room. 2 hours sounds enough to me.

DH and I decided to watch a movie tonight in the living room. We usually watch one in our bedroom but decided that since we just talked about limiting SDs TV time it would be a good time to start. Of course we had to argue about limiting her time since I am the big bad wolf for suggesting it again. Any way.....She stayed in the living room while the movie was going on and played with a doll on the couch. Every once in while I would catch her out of the corner of my eye doing something with the doll and then looking to see if we were watching her. She really has a problem with attention.

DH and I agreed to 2 hours a day for her but like I said it took a fight. We have been fighting a lot lately. I would like to see a counselor. I would like to just for me but also for him and I. We have such different parenting styles and he has such a hang up about her mom dieing. I'm sorry about her mother dieing also but you can't give her everything she wants because of it. I told him tonight that she had a lot of family members step up when her mom passed and he should be thankful for that and that I could see a 16 year old girl that was going to think she had to be the center of attention and would do anything for it if he didn't work to change it now. His answer to most things is "But she's such a good little girl....or ......but she likes it so much.....or......it makes her so happy."

We have had so much stress with my DD20's situation that this Holiday season has pushed me very close to the edge and I'm pissed off a lot. I cry a lot too. Like I said, I would like to talk to somebody and I think we need to as a couple and as parents. He needs to step up to the plate more where she is concerned.

Because of her attention getting behaviors I find it difficult to spend time with her. To have all of us together would be difficult. I would end up getting upset with her baby like behavior and leaving the room. We do much better when it is just her and I. Throw Daddy into the mix and I can't handle it much.

I think the no TV idea once a week or so is a great idea. I do think that she needs some guidance on some behaviors before we spend to much family time together. I don't like to watch someone perform all of the time. She just wants you to sit and watch her do things.....I want to interact. Am I expecting too much from a 10 year old? This girl is SMART. Straight A's. He thinks it's great to baby her, I don't baby anyone, except babies.

I think counseling is an excellent idea. If your husband is not interested, go anyway. I think the right counselor could help you sort out your feelings and learn ways to work with your SD and your husband that will be positive for all of you. When you said "Throw daddy into the mix and I can't handle it much."...it sounds like you have more of an issue with him than your SD. For the reasons you stated, his babying, etc., but there's probably more.

As far as the not playing alone, some kids just can't do that. I don't understand it, but that's the way some of them are. By limiting TV and trying to get her interested in other things, she might discover something that she really enjoys doing. Cooking, drawing, astronomy, legos....you never know what is going to turn a kid on. You and your husband should explore lots of different things with her. The Barbies aren't working, apparently!

I'm going to just jump in here without knowing your background and relate what the tone of this post sounds like to an "outsider".
Do you resent this ten year old child? Do you feel as though she is sophisticated enough to knowingly manipulate the entire family? Are you projecting your frustrated feelings at the lack of "power" as the adult onto her instead of her father?
I feel for both of you. More so her, as she is a child, not the "other" woman. And you do have a choice in the life you've created.
I was more than fortunate in that my SM had such compassion and empathy for my siblings and myself. She could have resented her choice of marrying my father and taken it out on us when the going got tough, yet this woman devoted her life to making lemonade out of a basket of lemons. And believe me, we were devoted to her, I wish that for you.
If you can't get to a place where you'd lay down your life for this child, outside help seems crucial.

deborah,

No I do not resent my SD10. I love her although there is a dynamic that is troubling. I have spoken with her hospice counselor and expressed my concern that I would not be able to give her enough attention....the counselor responded..." You never will be able to.....no one can....she expects too much...." I also spoke with her step grandmother and she said that she notices SD10 expects much more attention than is "normal"....she is a retired teacher so has worked with children all of her life.

I don't feel that sophisticated is the right word to use but yes I believe that she knowingly manipulates the entire family. I have asked her about the things that she does and she admits to doing them on purpose to get her way or because she wants everyone to pay attention to her.

Projecting my own feelings at the lack of "power" onto her instead of her father....I'm not sure I understand that, please explain further.

I feel for her too. She should be taught behaviors that make it easier for others to handle. She is just running with what she has been taught works for her. It pushes a lot of people away....kids at school also.

She should be taught that she is a child in our home instead of the other woman. I feel that when she and her dad lived a lone she was not taught boundaries that would encourage her to see herself as a child. Believe me when I say that there are many other behaviors of hers that I have not mentioned that are not in keeping with what should be allowed.

I chose to marry her father and take on the mothering role where she is concerned. I have been a step mother before so it is not new to me. I understand that there are adjustments that must by made but her father and I are the parents and then the children come in, it is not the other way around.

I am devoted to being the best mother that I can to my SD10 which includes standing up for what I have learned from my experience in raising children is the correct set of rules and behaviors befitting a 10 year old.....As an example....DH and I had a disagreement about how often she could call her friends this summer and how long the calls could be. He did not want to set a limitation on her because it "kept" her busy. I thought that she should have a 20 minute limit to friends and limited to 1 call a day. I gave up the fight on that and she was on the phone for hours at a time. My friends would tell me that they had tried to call the house for 3 hours and could not get through. One of SD10's friends finally emailed her and told her to stop calling so often. That she was tired of her calling all day long.....Another example.....SD10 makes a friend in the neighborhood and wants to play at her house. I tell DH he has to establish some rules first so that she is considerate of what time of day it is....is it lunch time? dinner time? How often has she been there...and so on. He doesn't want to do that and so I let it go.... SD is over there the minute she gets home from school....if they are not home she goes back in 5 minutes until they get home. I see it as an opportunity to teach her to be responsible he sees it as something that makes her happy so let her go. He admits that whatever keeps her out of his hair he lets her do......she is in his hair, what there is left of it, because she knows no boundaries, believes that every situation is suited to her and tries to control every thing. She will come in and stand at the table when he and I are talking. She will come into our bedroom and stand while he and I are talking. When you ask her what she wants she will say.."oh nothing". If I don't shut the bathroom door and am combing my hair, putting on makeup, brushing my teeth she will come in the bathroom and stand there. I keep the door ajar sometimes because it gets to warm in there for me. She doesn't have the concept of personal space. She doesn't stand near you, she stands against you.

If you have no background on me let me fill you in....I have been married twice and raised a SD who is now 33....she still calls me mom, calls me when she needs motherly advice and I love her with all of my heart. She and I maintain a closer relationship than either of her bioparents....I have a DD20 and DS16 whom I single parented for 12 years. DH has a 30 daughter that he did not raise and did not see often. She lived with her mother and his mother spent more time with her than he did. He was a teenager when she was born. He was legally separated from DD10 mother when she died of lung cancer.

I have been to parent teacher conferences and I am not expecting anything more of her that her teachers are. In some situations less. I don't expect her to be perfect by any means. She, for the most part is a darling little girl she just hasn't had any boundaries or limitations set on her and she needs them.

I love all of my kids, bio, step, neighborhood and so on. I do not take anything "out" on SD10 I just don't expect the family to be run by her. It wasn't run by my kids before she became part of the family and it won't be run by her. You may not want to give me the benefit of the doubt and I understand why you could read into a post very negative things. I believe that my oldest SD is as devoted to me as you are to your step mom. I don't plan of giving my SD10 less of me that I did her. I do expect DH to be realistic about things. He has never raised a child before, I have. Please don't worry that SD10 is not loved by me. She is. Please don't worry that wouldn't lay down my life for her, I would. I just won't give into everything she wants.....ever.

believer,

Sounds as though your DH is treading very lightly with SD10 because of the loss of her mother. He might be grieving some too even though they were separated when they passed. If this girl is a straight A student he may think there is nothing wrong with letting her watch a lot of TV. Also, she is the baby of your blended family, maybe he's doing a do-over since he wasn't involved with the 30 year old.

On the personal space issue just gently tell her not to do it. If she continues then discipline her, loss of privileges starting with TV time. She's 10, I think she can understand this. Don't keep wasting time arguing with your dh, he doesn't see the problem.

Believer,
I very much appreciate your response to my ignorance :) It's obvious you've had more experience in child rearing than your DH...so in reality it seems as though he'd be the one needing outside help?
Our SM (she passed away 4 yrs. ago) used to joke about her never getting alone time as there were 3 kids following her around from room to room :) Even the bathroom, which she'd say "this isn't grand central". I have no idea why we did this, but only to say that my BM was not exactly the most involved person, and my BD basically had SM care for us.
I can see your challenge and how frustrating it is without the total involvement of DH.
I'm sorry if I offended :)

deborah...

You did not offend me. It is difficult to express exactly what a situation is, especially in writing. To explain all of the things that happen within a day or a week or whatever is not something that I can do. Who would want to read through all of that anyway!?

Today has been much better. DH and I are trying some different approaches to issues that have bothered me and SD has been playing today with a friend. It is good for her to be with her own age group and good for DH and I to have sometime together. We played with the Wii that I bought us for a family gift and we watched a movie together. We don't often get much time to have fun that way and I really enjoyed it. SD is watching TV now for the 1st time today. That is rare but we are going to be changing the TV rules. We are also going to schedule a night a week as game night on the Wii. It is fun and gets my heart rate going which is good for me and my diabetes.

DH is a wonderful husband and father in many ways. He would prefer not to have a confrontation and he looks at correcting her or setting limits for her as such. I don't see it that way.

Yesterday he went out and bought me a pair of ugg boots. Something that I have wanted for years but would not spend the money on. I have never had anyone do anything like for me before. It meant so much to me that he would do such a thing. I know that he is trying and will continue to do so. Moms tend to get over looked and are so busy doing for everyone else that they get depleted. I have felt that way for a while now.

I still think counseling would be good for me and or us. I think everyone needs to talk to someone at different periods in their lives and this is one for me.

I thank you for your second response. You sound like a real sweetheart.

how about signing her up for activities like sports, chorus, drawing, dancing. somehting after school or even like sunday school? something at church (or other place of worship) get her involved in something? keep her busy?

my niece (7)is a center of attention and she is constantly around my brother. it is difficlt to even simply talk to him, she follows him everywhere. i know what you are going through. tough

Believer - it seems like she has only child syndrome. It doesn't necessarily have to be that the child is an only child, but maybe there's quite a few years between siblings so that a disconnect occurs. My DS is an only child who in some ways exemplifies being an only child, but in other ways is completely the opposite. My FSD, however, is not an only child, but was for so long that she is a textbook example of an only-child.

Let me give you a couple of examples:

DS only child behavior:

1. DS won't play by himself. How much fun is swimming in the pool if you have to do it by yourself? Pool time is much more fun when there's someone to race or dive for sticks with you or take turns diving. FDH and I try to do it as much as we can with him, but we're adults and, frankly, just not as much fun. But, let him play his XBox, and he can do it all day long. But that's because the "computer" is playing with him. Who wants to ride their bike by theirselves? I can understand how boring that might be. And I can't let him wear his headphones for safety reasons.

2. He is very independent. He doesn't rely on anyone to provide anything more than the basics for him. For instance, he had his own money when we went to visit my sister. My sister had brought snacks for her kids assuming my DS liks the same things. Well he didn't, so he wanted to buy himself beef jerky. My nieces asked for some french fries later. She says to them "I guess since he got beef jerky". That's not fair because DS IS an only child and his money belongs to him. He didn't ask anyone to buy it for him and he didn't make a big deal about it. But the girls are used to everything being split equally between them and so they naturally include DS in that.

Examples of how DS is not like an only child:

1. He is very generous. When we went to visit my sister, he wanted to buy a souvenir so he bought one for the two girls too.

2. He is not demanding. He never throws fits because he doesn't get his way. He usually gives in to whatever my nieces ir FSD want. When we went to the amusement park, he let FSD decide what rides they rode because he said "I live here and I can go any time I want". How cool is that?

Anyway, my point is that even though SD10 may not be an only child, she may feel like one. And, unfortunately, adults just don't provide an adequate substitute for peers.

I totally agree with FD's suggestion on getting her involved in extra-curricular activities. DS is always involved in a sport (mostly baseball) and FSD did softball, cheerleading and even some math clubs.

you know what as I think of it more....extra-curricular activities might not help. My niece 7 is a constant center of attention. I won't go into details but if she is not center of our undivided attention for 5 minutes she is upset and says: no one pays any attention to me. she is involved in bunch of activities and everyone watches her perform. she plays piano, everyone has to listen. she dances, she shows it to us every minute. she sings, everyone has to listen. more activities she is involved in more she wants to show it to everyone and it is just ongoing. A- wants to show us XYZ. everyone stop doing what you are doing and pay attention. now everyone is discussing something. A-wants to sing her new song. right this second. etc. It is nonstop.

and she is very jealous of dad's attention. She needs to climb on my brother nonstop, not giving him a break ever. if anyone tries to sit next to my brother or talk to him, she climbs between people interrupts and naggs for his attention. it is parents' fault. i love my niece she is very smart and sweet but this center of attention is pretty difficult. and no activities can fix that.

If your interested in getting her into activities I know that our local library has things going on all the time that are free. And the park district also has inexpensive activities to join.

SD10 has come from a family in Ca. that stops everything for the children. They actually run wild. Not something that I am used to at. Although SD10 is not wild, she is very well behaved, she does retain that "I am the most important person in the room" attitude. She has made progress and as her daddy makes progress (LOL) I think she will do much better.

She made a comment after arriving here that sums it up quite adequitly I think. She was dead serious when she remarked..."I'm just not right anymore!"....She had never been challenged before she moved in with us. So here is a 13 year old boy and a 17 year old girl and myself refusing to be told how life works by a 7 year old....pretty funny. Dad would just let her have her way, she ran the show.

Having her home for the holiday break is giving me a chance to work on things. She is limited now to 2 hours of TV unless we do a movie or something extra. She and I have played on the Wii together and she spent time at a friend's house. She was drawing in the living room when I came in here to post.

I had a long talk with DS16 last night and he is missing the "old" days before I remarried. It has been difficult for him to accept SD's age/behavior. But then of course he was the youngest before she came along. I was quite sad about it, did a lot of crying and then decided that he and I should have a date night every so often. SD and dad could do a date night on the same night and that would give her his undivided attention.

As far as extra activities....she is in an extra math and science class twice a week, private violin lessons once a week and church youth group once a week. We do trips to the library.....she loves to read. We also do church every Sunday and she is in Sunday school there. She has a pretty well rounded life.

I do want to make sure that I am not picking on her. I know that she is doing what she has been taught and what has worked for her before the remarriage. I have to teach DH how to be part of family and not an outstanding individual so to speak. I don't mean that disrespectfully. Family dynamics from childhood play a big part in it, both on his side and mine.

I remember my first SD being the same way and she was an only child not to mention the grandparents favorite. I had never seen adults stop what they were doing to watch a child dance until I met her. She wasn't even taking lessons. I thought...ok...when are we just going to sit and watch her breath!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was raised in a household where kids were to be seen and not heard and most of the time nobody even wanted to see you.

I was raised in a household where kids were to be seen and not heard,
and most of the time nobody even wanted to see you.

ouch. "I was raised in a household where kids were to be seen and not heard and most of the time nobody even wanted to see you." I think it is a bit extreme. hopefully it is not what you want for SD. :)

having said that, believer, my niece is 7 and she tried to tell me couple of times how to drive. i took her to a playground and she told me I am not turning the right away (I knew better way to get there) and even after i told her why i am turning this way she was still displeased. and then she said I didn't park the right way(too far from a playground) lol I did explained to her why she can't tell me how to drive lol she was in shock that anyone would tell her that. her parents normally listen to whatever she says and follow along.

she enjoys my company when i occassionally babysit her but she always looks at me shocked when i tell her things. she likes to tell me me "but my dad says....". my responce: "that's your dad but that's me."

kids should be heard of course. but not nonstop. and life cannot be only about one person even if that person is a child. there will be a lot of dissapointment when they will grow up. they will not be a center of attention.

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