I've never had someone invite themselves to spent the night at my house. My kids have invited their friends over to stay but it's always planned and I'm asked way ahead of time. I also don't mind it, obviously, since I keep having exchange students live at my house for an entire school year at a time.

I've had friends visit but not very often, sometimes they will just stay in a nearby hotel. When we have snow and ice I've been offered a room at coworkers homes more than once so I wouldn't have to drive home in it, but never do. First, I would feel uncomfortable and I have had dogs and or kids to get home to. I think your situation is weird and would be a little annoyed by it myself.

I think you need to have your SO sit down and read this thread and how us adults have answered it! NO WAY would this be OK at my house. I think that this is probably something that went on when he was a single guy and his buds came over and crashed on the couch...am I right? Well, this should have all ended when y'all moved in together. His friends need to grow up and go home and straighten out their family arguments and not stay at your house because they are having a fight with their wife or whoever! That's ridiculous! Does this happen a lot?

Well, to answer your question: NO, this would not be OK at all! I would feel terribly uncomfortable with a bunch of grown men staying at my house over night! YUCK!!!! I think that it's very inconsiderate of your SO to do this to you knowing that you don't like it! Very inconsiderate indeed!!!!!

I do not like people staying at my house. I would welcome out of town people if they wanted to come see us for a couple of days. I would not want a bunch of old "hang arounders" staying here!

Maybe you should hand them the vacuum cleaner or a load of clothes? HAHA!

We have a young couple across the street that constantly have a bunch of people staying at their house, they have two kids of their own. I don't know where they put all these people. My husband and I both think this is ODD! HAHA!

I agree with you, Amy! No way, no how. It seems really odd to me that not drunk adults wouldn’t just drive home, no matter how late it is. Not to mention I don’t want someone’s dirty hair or drool on my couch. You’re not living in a frat house.

I do enjoy having out of town friends, siblings or nieces/nephews stay over occasionally, but not friends who have a reasonable drive home.

Well you know how we all feel about it. Show this to you SO, or at least tell him. He's in the vast majority.

They sound more like moochers than friends. It seems that they get drunk or high, but for whatever reason they find your/probably his company more inviting than going home. Do they stay up late talking, and keeping you from sleeping as well?

I know you've had arguments with him about this but it isn't a halfway house or dorm room. They live somewhere else and they can certainly go home. Has he ever had a need or want to crash at their place?

amylou, reading back through the comments here, it's obvious that pretty much everyone agrees that this just isn't something people with any semblance of manners do. the more i think about it, the more it blows me away that your SO would show so little respect for your feelings on an issue as important as your privacy and/or the extra work this scenario presents (cleaning up after these freeloaders, etc.). i'm sorry you have to deal with this sort of thing and i hope it doesn't happen often.

I agree with all of the above. I would put my foot down on these moochers. Your home is not some flop house. Who raised these people? If they are frequently offenders, you could tell them when they arrive that they cannot spend the night. Flat out tell them.

We live on a lake in a cooler northern climate. I know all about house guests. Good and bad. You have to be blunt.

No. The last person here stayed a week. I asked her not to bring her dogs....she brought 2 five month old pups. They dug holes, and I tripped in one....miracle I didn't sprain my ankle or worse. She needed to use an extension cord to air up an air mattress. At the time I only had one bed and it was in the living room because Jody was in there in a hospital bed, to be near him. So she slept in the office in the barn. There's a bed in there now, but not at the time. She took the extension cord that went to the fence charger. Didn't plug it back in. One of my horses got tangled up in the fence. She wasn't hurt, because she is very sensible. But it left me with a fence to fix, and that is very difficult for me.

She wanted to come back and bring her 10 yr old grandson. I told her no. She didn't keep her eyes on the dogs and I knew she wouldn't watch the grandson either. As a matter of fact, she isn't coming back here, period. I will never let her come back. I live too far away for her to drive over for a visit and go back home. No more over nights. She was a major PIA in a lot of ways.

Well, I'm in the minority! Spontaneous overnight guests don't bother me, whether family or good friend. Doesn't happen often, especially now that we've downsized our home! But vice versa, I hate to stay overnight anywhere unless it's planned, because I feel unprepared -- I want my own toothbrush, my own pj's, and my dogs and garden might need tending.

To me it's a cultural thing -- not wrong, not right, just what you and your group are used to.

On your next birthday, tell your SO that as a birthday gift, you want no houseguests for a year. Then, when a "guest" suggests staying, look pointedly at SO and say, "remember my birthday gift." And feel free to explain it to the "guest" if they ask. Some people don't pick up on hints.

I've only had family spend the night(s) in my home, never friends or anyone else. And because my family all lives so far away, I have no problem with it. Your home is your home and if you want them to stay in a bedroom and not the couch, say something. It is your home! Why anyone would rather sleep on the couch seems weird to me.

I love having my family visit. We have a blast and talk, fish, swim, jet-ski and eat oh so much food. Best thing in the world. But there were a few who used me as free bed and breakfast. Ughhh. I tolerated that for years as they are family but I am too old to waste my time on being overly polite.

I think the sleeping on the couch thing is sort of a way of saying they don't want to inconvenience you by using beds, sheets and towels. I do not want body oils on my upholstery. I rather wash a set of sheets.

What an uncomfortable situation. We often invite friends and family to visit and stay with us - but none of them live close enough that they could drive home easily. I wouldn't mind having a last minute guest or 2 stay over on occasion but only if I extended the invitation and I would expect them to sleep in a bedroom not my couch. They just sound rather lazy and inconsiderate. But in all fairness I can't place the full blame on them since your SO apparently thinks this is OK behavior. How often does this occur? Assuming you have one couch is it only one person at a time? I guess you have to decide if this is something to need to discuss further with him. I wish you luck.

I love having family and many family members have brought their friends with them after asking me, we always have wonderful times. I have let people I know and their friends use my summer home and never was anything messed up. Even my grandchildren have brought their friends without me being there. Just two days ago my niece popped in with her son. We haven't seen each other in the flesh since the pandemic hit us. Sal mentioned the dog. Me--what dog???? I sent him out to bring the dog in. They stayed for three hours lol. I love it. My DH is otherwise, he never partakes of these times as he doesn't like to be bothered from reading or building. He would never complain about me having them but he would either go to the optional house or to my studio in Maine. He has options lol.

I'm with Elizabeth, these "friends" are looking for a freebie B&B. Personally I would never put real friends on the spot like this, nor would I expect real friends to put me on the spot like this. It may boil down to personalities, while extroverts (on both sides) probably might not mind this type of imposition, introverts probably would.

We live in Wisconsin about 90 miles from the Minnesota border where DH has a lot of relatives. Most of his siblings live about a 3 hour drive from our home, thus 5 hours to Minnesota. When they are having family get togethers up there, he will inevitably invite the travelers to stay at our house on their way up to Minn. I get so irritated by this, because I am the one who has to make sure the house is presentable and then do all the laundry afterwards. If it were a longer drive I would have no problem, but it is easily do-able in one day. It's not that I don't like his family or anything, I do, but it is just a lot of work for no reason. Just finish your darn trip! Yes, I have told he needs to do the prep and clean up, but his "timeline" is not mine and he will delay the laundry or whatever. It really bugs me, thanks for letting me vent.

this is a different situation but it happened. i hired a dog sitter to stay at my house when i traveled to guam with my daughter-in-law to bring my newborn grandson home. we ended up being there for almost 6 weeks

at the time i had 3 great danes and i thought this woman would be dependable as she ran a dog daycare and was also very active in rescue. she touted herself as being a "professional". little did i know what a disaster it would be.

i have pet cameras in every room but never mentioned them to her. just a few days after i left home, i checked my cameras. i was aghast to see (in real time) she had invited several friends who i saw standing around my kitchen island eating and drinking what i assumed was alcohol and judging from their behavior, i'm pretty sure i was correct.

not only did she party often over that 6 weeks, she also put a couple hundred miles on my van which i had left with her solely for the purpose of transporting a dog to the vet should something unplanned happened.

i had portioned out food for my 75g reef tank with very specific instructions that i wrote out to avoid any issues due to overfeeding.

don't even get me started on the fact that, after i had been gone a few days, she brought in two 8 week old puppies that were NOT housetrained and gave them free roam of my house.

i came home to my reef tank so filthy with algae buildup from overfeeding plus the resulting dead and rotting corals that were worth a lot of money, it made me sick. as if that wasn't bad enough, the first thing that hit me in the face when i walked into my house was the strong smell of urine and no matter how may times i shampooed the carpet, the stink remained. i ended up ripping up every square inch of it and replacing it.

were it not for the fact that i was halfway around the world and had nobody else who could stay with the dogs, i would have told her to get the hell out the first time i saw what was going on but that just wasn't an option. thankfully, the dogs were fine when i got home. i haven't spoken to her since (this was 4+ years ago) and any time anyone asked me for a recommendation, i told them to run screaming in the opposite direction!

I think this is a 'guy thing', and a very outdated one at that. My father would invite people to stay overnight, telling my mother they could 'just throw a mattress on the floor'...or something. What homemaker thinks that way? (Certainly not my mother, who did enjoy entertaining.) He never thought about all the work this entails for the 'hostess' because HE wasn't doing any of it...just basking in being the 'swell guy' to these people.

This 'couch surfing' is how AirB&B got started in California, in the flower child hippie days. It's *over*, but some evidently haven't gotten the word! I guess you'll have to INFORM them, Amylou.

I love judipudi's solution. Get an understanding in place before the next time this happens, maybe a 'key word' you use to forestall the next obtuse freeloader who wants to invade your privacy.

I tried to tough it out with DH's relatives with the Freebie treatment. After they left here, DH so dangerously said, Gee, we didn't see much of them while they were here. I replied very cautiously with the fact that they were very busy sightseeing, shopping and dining. He just had to pry that can of worms open until I told him flat out that they only wanted a free vacation, they did not come to see us. He. Was. Stunned. He was wise enough not to push back on that statement but later on told me I was right. They made NO time to visit with us. So disappointing. They have not asked to come back. Perhaps it was my stony silence when I served them their full breakfast each morning that did it.

I have also been told that I have plenty of room for guests and can well afford to host them. Really not the point here. I feel no obligation to do so just because they can't afford to pay for a nice vacation.

It did not start during the hippie days but much earlier. My husband's family when we were first married planned their trips so that they would stay with family or friends. I mentioned that I wanted to see how the college I had attended in southern California had changed along with seeing other things. First thing that popped out of his mouth was staying with a cousin that he enjoyed seeing. Not something I wanted to do. Turns out that the last time he had seen that cousin was when he was 8. I think it was more of a hold over from the post war era where motels were iffy. Of course some are just cheap.

Amylou, if you don’t mind me asking, what age range are you and SO? And the friends? I find it all very odd. I’ve haven’t had anyone just crash at my place since college.

It wouldn’t be an issue now as I have a dog that is not friendly to people wandering around the house. She will stop people trying to leave the room they are in. So if I really didn’t want someone to stay then I would just let them know they couldn’t move off the couch at all until I got up.

On a side note, I do have quite a few houseguests stay as we live in a cabin in the mountains. But it is always planned and by invitation. In which case, Rocket, the dog, sleeps in my room with door closed. We also have a separate guest house for those who are staying more than a few nights.

I've had friends invite me to spend the night when it got late, but I did not invite myself. Once or twice I took them up on it, but we were very close friends.

No one visits us anymore, except for relatives from Texas, and they stay in the guest room. I love having guests - that's the point of having a guest room.

I would not be at all bothered by people staying overnight - I like having company and I like having guests.

I don't visit people as much as I used to, and I would not plan to spend a night unless it was arranged ahead of time.

I do not allow guests to bring dogs, however. I'm fine with people but not with dogs.

I guess it depends on who is visiting. I’m more relaxed with family. I only have one full bath so we are kind of in each other’s way when anyone visits. I also hang around in my ratty bathrobe and quietly drink coffee for the first hour I am up so I have to change that routine for guests. When I’m visiting someone else I’d just as soon get a hotel room so I am not bound to their routines, either.

How about my paternal grandfather's 'retirement plan'? He was the spoiled darling, youngest in his family, and he freeloaded most of his life. My poor grandmother rued the day she married him. They had six living children. Grandfather's 'plan' was to rotate among his married children's homes, spending *months* at a time with each family, contributing zilch while there. This kind of 'family-first loyalty' is one reason my parents divorced.

My guests have to deal with my first cup of coffee routine. Bathrobe, office, leave me alone for an hour.

The smokers have to go outside to one area on the deck with an ashtray. They prefer smoking on the dock but I do not want the seating area or the water littered with their butts.

Them: "well, don't mind me ill just sleep here."

Me: "Really? Why?" (cold stare to match tone of voice)

The worst houseguests I ever had were Jody's half sister and her husband. They just showed up one evening....drove from Florida to Texas. No call....nothing. Just a knock on the door and there they were. They said they wanted to check out shrimping in Texas, so every day the husband went shrimping with Jody, and the sister stayed with me. I was in my mid 20's and they were in their early 60's. They had health problems and dietary restrictions. At the time Jody and I were having problems and I wasn't in a good frame of mine at all. But I was too young and "too nice" to make them go elsewhere. I don't remember how long they stayed, but I think that was the beginning of his family thinking I was "weird", you know, which, of course, I am, but I didn't handle it very well. Have had other people come to stay....some I liked and some who took advantage. I am better at saying no, now.

Chisue, my father's father had exactly the same plan. When we lived in Florida he would show up for the winter. My father was fine with it even though one of us had to sleep on the sofa so he could have a room. He contributed nothing but decided what we would eat and when and what was on TV and everything else. My mother finally lost it the second year and my oldest married sister took him in for a couple of weeks.

This sure sounds like old buddies. Make them sleep in a bed and maybe they wont stay.

I dont mind guests but then again I have never had drop ins. Our most frequent guests are so easy. He makes his own coffee at the crack of dawn, she sleeps in. They look after themselves, eat what is offered, dont try to do the dishes or strip the bed when they leave. They are totally flexible. Never stay more than two days. When they leave you wish they could stay longer. Perfect guests.

Just an idea, if what bugs Amy is waking up to people in living space and what bugs SO's guests is sleeping "in" a bed thus requiring laundry etc, get a few sleeping bags and have SO tell them they are free to stay, but sleep in a guest room either in the bed because washing sheets isn't a big deal, or use the sleeping bag but don't camp out in the public areas of the house because that's uncomfortable with your and SO's work schedules.

Ooops, I didn't answer the question apparently. I thought we were discussing houseguests in general. In this particular case, I am baffled. I have never heard of such behavior. Amylou's SO seems like a tremendously kind and generous person from all she says about him here. I would be loathe to make him unhappy with a situation, but amylou too is kind and generous with him, so we have a clash of something or other. At a bare minimum these randos need to stay in a guest room. SO needs to understand that being made to feel uncomfortable in your own house is a no-no.

Amylou, I can see why you wouldn't want people staying over when you have to go to work. I wouldn't want people staying in my house when I'm gone for a whole shift, either!

I can see why they'd rather sleep on the couch, they just sleep in their clothes, right? So they feel like they are just napping overnight. If they slept in the guest room, they feel like they need to take off their pants to get into bed! And feel like actual guests! Maybe you can compromise (if you can't stop it altogether) by throwing a sheet on TOP of the bed for them to sleep on. Then it and the pillowcase are at least easy to wash. The risk is that they find the bed too comfortable.

I really don’t like overnight guests in my home and I don’t like staying in other people’s home. It just feels like an invasion of my privacy. My husband’s sister will be coming for her annual night or two this summer. She comes mid week so I come home from work to listen to her complaining about her life for 5-6 hours before I sneak off to bed. She also brings her dog and /or cat and DH is allergic to animal hair. DH won’t tell her not to come, so I’ll suck it up.

Timely question. Last night, my niece and her son came for an overnight visit, first company since the pandemic. right now I’m on wash number 3 with sheets and towels, but I love having her and family for several usually 2-3 night visits every year.

However, my husband has a friend who makes arrangements to come and then lets me know. Besides the fact he's a total slob, Hazmat suit needed for bathroom cleanup, and rarely changes his clothes, he would never let us know how long he would be here. As mentioned above, paraphrased, fish and guests stink after 3 days. He was here once for 5 days and I almost lost my mind, fussy about what he's eating, but he ate constantly, and always had to have a cup of coffee in hand; benefit, my husband now knows how to use the Keurig. Husband and I have since had the discussion that his friend cannot spend more than 3 nights, and I have to know before he comes just how long he would be here. Hasn’t been here since the pandemic and I’m just fine with that,

Amylou, I’m with you. I would dread the thought of someone sleeping and drooling on my furniture and invading my privacy by being in my public house space.

And to be quite honest, I wouldn't really want my SO's buds hanging out at our house all the time either. I just am not a very sociable person....my husband and I enjoy being with each other and spending our time alone without company!

Annette, I am 36, SO is almost 54. The people that stay range in age. it could be his mothers ex-husband who wants to hang out on occasion, he is probably in his 70s. His friends are probably within 5-10 years either way of his age. Or it may be his 8 year old grandson, who I cannot STAND when he stays there. I like kids, but this one has a BIG SMART MOUTH and a NASTY attitude that he got from his mother. Last time he stayed there I put my foot all the way down and said no more. No more brats in my house period. (He smarted off to me when I asked him what he wanted to eat, and when SO scolded him for it he said that "That's how I talk to white people.") I told SO that he could come for the day, he would be 100% his responsibility and he had to go back home at night. And I mean it. If he tries to let him stay when I am at work, I do not know what I am going to do, but HE WILL REGRET IT. I do not even know why he lets him stay there, he doesn't really like it either. He finds it to be a huge burden. I guess he wants to help his daughter out. Why I don't know, she is a nasty piece of work too, only calling when she wans something, and he does not like her or her attitude. The last time he stayed the night it was because (according to him) SO was too exhausted from caring for him to take him home.

To be fair, this does not happen often, and usually happens when I am at work an SO is home. That is why he thinks its no big deal. But I really really hate it. Before we moved to this house, we AGREED that we would not have overnight guests. WE AGREED. But he always has some excuse for it, and most of the time I am at work and he thinks if i am not there its not supposed to bother me. BUT IT DOES! And it bothers me if they are on the couch,AND it bothers me if they are in the guest bedroom, it just bothers me. I DO NOT WANT PEOPLE STAYING THERE AT ALL!!!

I probably have boundary issues. Being the youngest, I was allowed NO privacy, no boundaries, no nothing growing up. And when my siblings grew up and married, they found great joy in playing parent to me, bursting in my room unannounced to search when they came home to visit. For what, I do not know, telling me what I could and could not do, telling me what not to wear, where to go, etc. A sister of mine actually called my employer to see if I was REALLY working one night. Apparently she and others thought I was out shooting up? I don't know. I told her I have no reason to lie to you or anyone else. I do not answer to you or anyone else. I was 21 at the time. I hated that too. it really did a number on me, to have not only my parents but 5 siblings (and their spouses) feel the need to henpeck me at every opportunity. When I got out on my own I probably overdid the boundary thing, and my family eventually gave up trying and now feels like I keep them at arms length, but I was determined that my space was my own, and no one could tell me what to do with it anymore. Guess I was wrong. :(

Sounds like your SO needs a man cave garage thing. Somewhere with a huge TV and couches for all of his friends far away from you on the property. And then he can get it out of his system: you can have the space you need within your home and everyone will be much happier. I understand why it bothers you I'm not great with overnight guests for too long.

I also see his point of view. I like socializing somewhat. My DH is no good at it because he goes to sleep at like 9:00 at night and wakes up like 5:00 in the morning. When are you supposed to have a night life and guests if that's how you roll.

We resolved our issues by my saying go to sleep if you want but I will continue to have family over and talk late into the night. He can sleep through anything luckily. That's how we came to an agreement. It's worked for us for the last 35 years.

The first five years were rocky regarding those kinds of decisions.

Otherwise I would have insisted he build a cave or a treehouse or something and sleep there. No way am I going into a cave or a treehouse. :-). At one point we even thought that the camper could be a good alternative when someone wants the house for entertaining and the other one always him needs to sleep very early.

People are more satisfied when both people win to my mind.

My guests usually stay a max of 3 days by the way. Which is just perfect.

Wow, I have one sibling with "control issues" -- but relatively minor, so easy to ignore/overlook as needed. My sympathies!!!

Oh its much better now, as far as it bothering me. I have taken to feeling rather amused at the tizzy some of them get into when they realize that I. DON'T. CARE. Because I do not care what they think about how I live. And most of them have realized that I am NOT open to advice or opinions anymore. I have stopped hearing comments about how I am "shacking up in sin." I told them,

" I love all of you. Don't make it hard to do that. The sooner you understand that I am going to do what I want, always and in all things regardless of your opinions are, the better our relationship will be. Your opinions have exactly ZERO weight when I am making decisions about my life. And I do not mean that maliciously. Its just fact. They don't. so its best to either keep them to yourself, or discuss them among yourselves when I am not around if you need to express them. Talk AaaAAAaalllll you want about me. Just understand that what you think or say will not change my actions." When I did that things did get better. The sister I spoke of earlier still cant help herself sometimes, but I am no longer bothered by it. She has her own issues that I wouldn't want.

And none of them are gonna stay at my house.

shacking up in sin

Hahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ahem. Sorry. I had no idea people even thought like that any more, let alone said it.

Tell them you weren't expecting the Spanish Inquisition.

Lucille's words say it all. I don't know about the Inquisition but some people don't want to leave the hypocrisy and phoniness of years gone by and want to continue with the pretense of phony, ambiguous attitudes. Conduct is not different today but attitudes and public acceptance of reality, what's gone on all along is more honest and less deceitful.

Yes, well they all have strong opinions on relationships and such. For some reason, they feel like a legal agreement (that MUST take place in a religious building surrounded by tedious ceremony) somehow makes a romantic partnership somehow morally superior to those that do not have that legal agreement. I am not burdened by that. Nor do I judge their choice to have that ceremony. If it makes them feel better, I am happy for them. (one of my brothers is on his third wife. He never says anything to me about my choices.)

But, most of them leave me alone. That one sister is an Uber Bible thumper who thinks I am just wallowing in a den of debauchery because I am not married, living with a man of another race, do not want children, and do not go to church,not even on Easter or Christmas. I love her but as I said, she has issues and I do not like to spend a ton of time around her.

And I dont want her staying in my house.

"That one sister is an Uber Bible thumper"

The hyprocrisy is sad. I guess the religious prescription to "Love thy neighbor as thyself" is variable and optional, just as others seem to be.

@amylou321, it sounds like you have a good handle on everything now and you're sticking to your guns. good for you!!

i *lived in sin* for many years till cancer robbed me of my partner in crime. people used to ask when we were getting married or why we weren't married. he would point to his chest and tell them "we're married where it counts". i always just asked them why it was important for them to know. his response usually got a smile and a quick walk-away. my response always got a red face (theirs, not mine) and raised eyebrow. **giggle**

Arcy, that was harsh.

Hes actually 54. Or will be in a couple months.

Hes has been married before. To a true battle axe. I am not that. Maybe that's the issue. I rarely if ever fuss about anything he does. None of it seems worth the quibbling. This is. To me anyway.

I think his main problem is that he is indeed too generous in some ways.

Heaven knows he tries to make it up to me in outrageous ways after it happens. I would rather he keep all that and just have our house to ourselves.

I often had a sister-in-law arrive unannounced with her 5 kids, expecting dinner and overnight accommodations. Foolishly, I made up beds and cots for all. She stored food in my refrigerator but never offered any. I served a nice meal to all. How does one cope with that?

How does one cope with that?

Stop acting like a rug. A one time emergency is one thing. If her house just burned down, or similar. But arriving without notice and expecting overnight accommodations for such a large family absent a critical emergency is just using you.

biker gang member material

Curious about how you gained your credentials as a gang expert.

Wow arcy, just wow.