We just celebrated our 39th anniversary, dated for two years before that. My first marriage, he was married for 13 years before me. No step children, two adopted sons and several grandchildren. We’re raising one. He’s 14 years older than I am. We have definitely had our ups and downs but, when it comes down to it, we truly love each other.

I have dated someone with a full-ride to Harvard, another person with a full-ride to Georgia Tech, someone who interned at the Pentagon, someone whose house was paid for with their own cash by their mid-twenties... I've been proposed to on first dates three times. Another proposed over and over, and I was married to them eleven years.

I know how to get married. I have no clue HOW to be married. I'm horrible at it. Consequently, I quit dating entirely in 2008.

And fully happy to be alone. Not one bit lonely.

We were high school sweerhearts. Started dating when I was 15 and he was 16. Got married 5 1/2 years later. Next month we will celebrate our 40th wedding anniversary. We literally have grown up together. If he goes before me, I will have our kids and our most precious grandbaby. That's all I will ever need. No interest in anything else. He is my one and only.

I loved being single, never wanted kids, never lived with anyone and never thought about getting married. I had some great boyfriends and learned a lot from each of them. Then I fell in love and got married -- at age 61. Honestly, I don't think I could have done it any younger. I couldn't imagine being with just one guy forever. But at age 61, it didn't seem so unimaginable because, hey, how long could that be? My husband had been married and divorced twice by the time he was 30. I thought it was a good sign that he got along with his exes. His first ex-wife ended up becoming my good friend. I called her my ex-wife-in-law. She passed away over a year ago and my husband and I both miss her terribly. My husband and I are quite different. He holds multiple serious Ivy League degrees; I partied my way through a state school down south. He's more traditional. I'm kinda New Agey. But what we have in common is that we both really like being nice to each other.

DH and I used to tease each other and say that if we ever had the opportunity to take a vacation together we'd probably discover that we were incompatible.

We were always working. I worked 25 hours a week in a supermarket during college and graduate school. After college he taught AP biology and chemistry at his old high school and also worked at the same supermarket. We were immediately attracted to each other and started dating. While I was in grad school he was accepted to med school and moved to Philly. I joined him when I was hired by the Free Library of Philadelphia and we married after his first year. Our honeymoon was 2 nights on the PA Turnpike at a wonderful historic Inn. As a new employee I wasn't eligible for vacation and even took a day without pay to get the time off. We were both back to work on Tuesday. He worked weekends in the lab to help with tuition.

We did this through med school, a year of internship, 2 years of internal medicine residency and finally 3 more years of a hematology/oncology fellowship. When DH joined a medical practice I was finally able to quit work - a few weeks before my first child was born. We raised our family and DH retired a few years ago. He never thought he'd stop working and had hoped to return to teaching but his health was deteriorating.

Somehow we've navigated retirement successfully and have finally realized that we were meant for each other after all. Although he readily admits that he can't think of anyone else who would have put up with him. We'll celebrate our 48th in a few months. And when Covid is over we're planning a honeymoon.

DH and I will celebrate #50 soon and have always said that between the two of us we make one decent human being. ;)

Been together since I was 13 and he was 15. 41 years to date. Now middle agers. There's been ups and downs. We've come through them all so far. Knock wood. We've only had one true vaca ten years ago for a week in all our years together. We were worried we might not enjoy so much time together. We loved it. That's a good sign. So many years together and not really a lot of time together with work and kids and all the driving to and from all the kid's events in different towns. Kids are grown up now and we were soooo looking forward to having 'us' time for the first time since we were kids ourselves. Nope. Finally got the last one launched and the eldest returned. Still waiting on that test. I think we'll do fine should it ever happen. Stay tuned. He's said if I go first he'll just be a grumpy hermit. If he goes first, I'll probably stay alone. In truth, I never learned how to date! First time out of the gate, I was with my husband at age 13, just didn't know it at the time. He knew though. I found out recently that when we were kids he would show people my school photo and tell them he was going to marry me. I was none the wiser and figured we were just sweethearts and we'd end up married to other people in time.

Very nice stories everyone. I read them all.

Previous relationships: being a shy introvert I had only two "first dates" before meeting (future) DH. Although those two boys were attractive, it was easy to see there was no point in a second date. (Neither of them protested too much, so the non-feelings must have been mutual!)

DH, almost as soon as I met him, I knew we could be compatible, forever. We had two years at college together, then three years of long distance romance before we married. One of those years was me finishing my degree while he started his career; two years were me choosing to accept a job three hundred miles away from (future) DH. I'd always been a "follower" and instinctively I knew that I needed to move away from *everyone* I relied on, and live on my own long enough to prove to myself I could do it. LOL my parents were a bit surprised when I moved back and married DH so apparently quickly. What, they thought I'd given him up? Nope, never; from the day I met him I was sure he was the one I wanted to spend my life with. But I needed those two years on my own, first. We're celebrating our 37th anniversary this year.

Started dating when I turned 17 and got married the day after my 20th birthday, 44 years so far.

Oh no hopefully I'm not the most strange one. I know I walk the strange road though. Certainly my life has been rather strange.

Our 40th wedding anniversary was on March 21st. We had pizza from our favourite takeout place :-).

Our marriage has been difficult interesting exciting depressing and love filled. All in all wonderful but very real. We have had some very good battles. And we do make up very very well. :-).

Our son is disabled and will be with us for the rest of our lives.

That always makes a relationship different.

We truly cannot afford to retire. But we bought a second hand camper so we can pretend we are going to go for long trips but really they will just be a few days here and there.

If my husband dies before me I might look for dancing partners but that's the extent of my desire to have a relationship with another man.

He would probably want to have another relationship. Our daughter would put up a great big fuss if the woman isn't the right one. He generally listens to her. I wouldn't be here so what I don't know wouldn't hurt me. :-).

On my 2nd marriage. First one lasted 2 years 6 months including the separation until divorce. This one will be 31 years in July. We met through his cousin whom was my best friend at the time. I had no intentions of dating anyone but he persisted. And I was NEVER getting married again, but after we had 2 children together I changed my mind because I wanted to give my children a sense of security knowing leaving would be harder once married. When we said for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health we had no idea how poor we would be and still hung in there, and how sick he could be and still hung in there. There have been many ups and downs and times I wished I was single again (none of my sisters are married), but here we are still hanging in there.

This year we will celebrate 62 years of wedded bliss....well 62 years take away maybe 25 or 30 days scattered throughout where we maybe wanted to strangle each other.

He married me even though at the time I had recently been diagnosed with an inherited disease that would make me an invalid, I was told, in 10 years or so. Of course I was pregnant at the time so he was more or less obligated (things were different back then) to make me an honest woman.

This 'honest' woman will tell you that through sickness, his more so than mine, and health we have stood fast to each other. It really has been only in the last 15 or so years that my disease has made day to day living difficult for me, and him too. He is on my case a lot for not asking for help when I need it. But, for my own sake I need to keep trying as I know that his heart condition could take him away from me at any time. His harping at me and my doing as I need to has not done any damage to our love for each other. We are in it, just as when we started out, for the long haul.

Single, never married, proposed to a few times, have been in long term relationships. I wanted the children, had a miscarriage and couldn't have any more. I fulfilled my Motherly instincts with my nieces and nephews. It seems I come from a family where many of us women don't want to get married. My Aunt, cousins, my 2 sisters, 4 nieces. My parents broke up after 39 years of marriage. If I hadn't taken care of my Mother all those years most likely I would have gotten married. That possibly is my one regret. After she passed away I decided I didn't want to take care of anyone, I wanted to live for myself. I am happily single, never lonely, lots of friends. Hoping in my old age to maybe find a male companion to socialize with. When I was a teenager I used to always say the ideal marriage to me would be he lives in his house and I live in mine.

he lives in his house and I live in mine.

I had a friend who did exactly that. He was a university professor, and she kept her home and he kept his. It worked well for them.

Married--52 years to the same wonderful man!

Two marriages for me and that will be all. First one was when young and we were both in the military. One child. Separated after about 2 years; divorce final after 5+ years. No regrets but it was a learning experience.

Second marriage going on 29 years in May, together 32, known for 41. Met in HS and were good friends. He told me he loved me (in a letter) when he moved away; I had no clue. Lost touch for 9 years. He contacted my folks looking to reconnect after he moved back to my hometown. Visited with him on a holiday return trip home and BAM......sparks and all that. I moved back a few months later and we dated for a few years before getting hitched. We both agree it would NOT have worked out if we got together way back then.

We have our quirks but generally have a good time. We treat each other with respect and love. We laugh about all the stupid stuff. It's good.

It is said you marry the first time for love, the second time for security, and the third time for companionship.

And if you're fortunate you get all three the first time around.

It is said you marry the first time for love, the second time for security, and the third time for companionship.

HG, I seem to have done this all in one shot. I married when I was 19. He was 23. He said he loved my legs and I loved that his brand new car was paid for.

We’ve had, and still are having a wonderful life together. He still introduces me as his bride. I adore him. We will be married 45 years this August.

Everyone in our family met in college and married shortly after in their early 20's. I was the only exception. I was a junior in High school and he was a freshman in college although we went together all of my college years. Both of my kids met their spouses in college and so did my granddaughter and my grandson, who's not married yet. Big mistake. People should not get married before they know who THEY are.

Lily - I've often marveled at the many years DH and I have been married since we were so young (21) that I don't think we knew who we were, never mind the other person! We didn't know very much about marriage either, despite each of us living with our parents. Throughout one of our rough patches, I realized that I didn't want to be married because I *had* to be, but because I wanted us to be together.

DH and will celebrate our 30th anniversary in June, together almost 32, and we knew each other slightly for many years before that, having worked in the same building. Second marriage for both of us. Our kids knew each other slightly in high school but were different enough in age to run in different circles. DH raised his 2 boys from the ages of 2 and 4, and my daughter was in between in age. Two had graduated high school and one was about to when we married. They all get along great and did from the start.

His youngest son never really knew his mother as she wasn’t in the picture until they became adults and she straightened her life out and then decided she wanted to be a mother (sort of). Now it is very strained as her husband died recently and she tries to have a relationship with her grandkids but they don’t know her really either, so it’s hard for her to accept. I consider the boys my kids just as much as my own daughter, and they have known it as soon as their dad and I decided to be together. Grandkids are the same. We have fun together, especially now that we are retired. We had planned to do an anniversary trip but guess that will wait until things open up more or we will make it a smaller scale trip later.

We've been married 56 years. However we're trying to get moved from a 1900 square feet house to a 1200 square feet one. One of us may kill the other before we manage to get settled in.

lily, I think that's why I fail at it. I'm amazed how much my child knows who they are, when I still truly don't. They didn't learn that from me. Science yes. Compassion yes. Critical thinking!!!! But self awareness, nope.

I had a healthy fear of commitment so I was a late bloomer. Met and married DH in our 40’s. He had never been married either.

We have a great appreciation for each other and value time together while having our own interests. We got to pick someone not for the material value we brought with us, but for the people we are. I’m so thankful for that.

Going on 39 years here, through ups and downs. We're from two very different cultures and that has made much more of a difference, (both in good and bad ways,) that I expected.

Me and my dh have been married for 27 years, 28 years in October. We met at a bar, watching football and still today we watch football. We dated for 2 years and got married when we were both 29 years old. We have 3 children, 22, 24,26 years old. We had children right after we got married and now we are empty nesters and are experiencing so many firsts. We had some really hard years due to alcohol, but my dh has not had alcohol close to 15 years. It was pretty rough....I actually had an appt with an attorney but canceled it. He is funny, I think I'm funny, he does his thing, I do my thing and we do things together......Life is Good.

My husband and I met, and have been together for 38 years. This year we will have our 30th wedding anniversary.

Why do I love him so much? Why does he love me? I don’t really know. I know we can get on each other’s nerves. Most of the time however, these are insignificant little annoyances.

For the most part, on the important things in life, we see eye to eye.

We have been through some rough times together, and we’ve enjoyed our happy times too. We have three wonderful children, and a beautiful grandson. I feel so thankful for them (and all of my loved ones).

We met when I was on winter break from college. I was in a dive bar with my friend on St Marks Place. We were waiting for two friends who were supposed to meet us there. It was my turn to go make a call at the pay phone near the entrance. He was just about ready to leave as the person he was waiting for wasn’t showing up either. I had to wait, someone was on the phone. I dropped the dime in my hand. (He jokes, and says I did that on purpose) He picked it up for me. That was it. We’ve been together since.

As we spoke that night, we found out we had gone to the same high school. I was so relieved that he was out by the time I got there. I was such a.....no, I still am. LOL

This has been a really fun thread.

I'm way too independent. I knew I never wanted kids, and I knew I wanted a better life than where I came from. So I focused on getting a good education and getting a good job above all else.

Thankfully that worked. :) I was almost 30 before I found someone who was a good match. We're both very independent and still do our own things, but as I get older and slow down it's awesome to have someone to share some simple pleasures with too.

Yes, super nice thread! I met my husband in college. Well, he was in college, I was working; knock on wood we have been stuck in the house every day for the past year and we're still getting along! We got married at Thanksgiving 20+ years ago (after dating for many years) and that's the 'date' we observe… (we don't care that the date 'moves' but it makes my MIL a little perturbed, which I think my husband kind of enjoys ribbing her). We are on the same page for the big stuff, but otherwise approach things pretty differently and for the most part we can appreciate that.

Thank you, Elmer, for starting this thread. I have enjoyed reading these stories.

I met my husband when we were teenagers at the local skating rink. He was from one end of the county and I from the other. We dated until we got out of high school and started college and then married too early.

From the early days his job took him out of town too much and as a working mother, I was left alone to fend for myself and raise the children. We raised three and one of them has given us two beautiful granddaughters.

As retirement approached, I worried that we wouldn't enjoy spending 24/7 together. As we were settling into those carefree days instead of spending our golden years together travelling and having fun, my husband was diagnosed with prostate cancer. We fought that for 4 years before he passed away 3 years ago. I miss him terribly but I found out what a gem he was during those 4 years. It scares me when I think back and wonder how two naive kids made it. It helped that he was generous and easy going and I was determined that it should.

Interesting thread. Different people, different lives.

I met my husband when I was one of his two secretaries at a large corporation at Rockefeller Center. I was 20 and he was 33. He was a great deal more educated than I, and had been married and divorced. He had three daughters. Two years later, when he was no longer my boss, we got married. We lived in Midtown Manhattan, but soon bought a weekend house in PA. I wasn't at all sure I wanted to go there every weekend, but I quickly got attached to living close to nature.

My husband introduced me to gardening and other facets of country life. We were married 8 years before the first of our three children was born, and in that time we spent many weekends visiting (and often waterskiing) with his daughters, developing a bond that persists for me today. My oldest stepdaughter was only 12 years younger than I, and we were very close. She died a little over a year ago. My middle stepdaughter and I still message each other every few days.

I'm sure when my husband and I got married there were those who said it would never last, but we were married 40 years when he died in 2005. He had dementia for the last 10 years of his life. During the seven years I cared for him at home, we lost one of our kids. I say "we," but he didn't seem aware enough to have felt even such a profound loss.

Not only did I not seek out another partner after he died, but I've deliberately avoided it. Being in love is a marvelous feeling, but it's an altered state that comes with a lot of strings that need tending to in one form or another. I knew the one thing I needed in my life was not excitement or euphoria, or adaptation or accommodation, or compromise or consideration. What I needed most was peace.

We and I have been together for about 30 years, not married, but "engaged". Wedding was supposed to be in 2020; no new date yet. We're clearly not in a hurry!

No kids for either of us, so no grandkids. We are very happy (most of the time) and enjoy each other immensely. We each have things that irritate the other. Sometimes we mention them and other times I think we just swallow them. Depends upon the magnitude. Big things, we sit and talk out.

My parents' marriage was a happy one yet one of my father's favourite sayings was, "Any damn fool can get married."

I had no plans to get married -- I thought it would probably happen because it "happened| to everybody. I was over 30 when we moved in together. I was happy I had found someone who didn't notice how hard I was to live with. Then I realised that his ways meant that I'd have to do a lot of the accommodating. It got easier. He has passed and I'd have him back in a minute. The funny thing is, that once I was alone I tried to revert to my old ways. I stopped hanging out the sheets every day. I no longer had to be sure that the worn clothes were OUTSIDE the closet -- that meant any clothes that had ever been put on. I no longer had to keep bottles of water on the counter for drinking -- to release the chlorine taste. And after awhile, you know what? I'm back to doing all those things and more.

I stopped hanging out the sheets every day.

Just curious - what does this mean?

It sounds like she had to strip and air the sheets daily.

30 years this year for me and DH. We met on a blind date arranged through a mutual acquaintance. The first years weren't easy and weren't very happy for me, but we've "grown into" each other over the years and now it's good. No kids -- never had any interest in that. None whatsoever.

Jasdip

It sounds like she had to strip and air the sheets daily.

~~~

That's true Jasdip -- the one plus there was that He used to do it since he insisted on it. However, I didn't like it because it meant that the bed was never made because he put them back on only at bedtime! So the one change I've made is that the sheets only hang out for a few hours now.

Wow. I guess you live in an area with a mild climate and no pollen?

Bookwoman

Wow. I guess you live in an area with a mild climate and no pollen?

~~~

it's either worse than that or better than that -- the apartment is modern open plan and the sheets hang on railings between floors. So I'd see them every time I went up the stairs!

To add a bit more about me in the spirit of what others have said:

We got married in our 20s, didn't have kids until our 30s. I think 30-ish is the right time to have kids for those who choose to. We probably got married a little on the young side.

Our personalities are very different, leading more to disagreements than to fascinating conversations. But surprisingly enough, despite having rather different opinions about most things, we always agree immediately on important decisions. Where to live, which house to buy, where to go on vacation, what to do, what to buy or not buy, how to handle this situation or that concerning other people, what to spend money on, etc. Nearly everything. But most importantly, we have always been on the same page with respect to our kids and each situation, problem, or opportunity we needed to address with each. More than 2, less than 5, both genders. Our personalities were complimentary to deal with each personally, one doing better with one than another and the reverse with others. We pushed them to always do their best, put them in challenging situations they had to deal with, enabled and encouraged them (in a mentoring way rather than in a helicopter way) and each responded positively.

They all have graduate professional degrees and successful careers, something we're very proud of. I would have been just as proud of any one who'd instead decided to pursue a trade and became successful doing that, but they are all academically capable and went in that direction instead.

We get along well with all of them and hear from each multiple times a week, though none lives nearby. Funny thing, we sent each far away to college and told them the objective was for them to get to know themselves and to go out into the world to find and establish themselves successfully in an adult life. They each did so. No moving back home, no failures to launch, no make-do jobs while waiting for something better. They were unafraid to move or travel elsewhere to find the best opportunities and have done that. I'm proud of that too.

A college friend married an Englishman. His MOTHER stirpped every bed, washed, ironed, and replaced the sheets DAILY. Why couldn't his WIFE?

Possibly because wifey had a full time job...and a life. His DM lived in the countryside, rather isolated, and...*her DH* was accustomed to this, having grown up with live-in help.

Housework often expands to fill time available.

This entire 'custom' flat out ended with my friend's refusal to continue it.

Elmer -- Can you find and re-post your beautiful contribution -- possibly from a few years back -- about your not wanting children; then wanting them; then wanting 'just one more'? It endeared you (and Mrs. Elmer) to me forever.

"Housework often expands to fill time available."

This is SOOO true for spouses or others without careers and with time to kill.

My mother suspended her career while her kids were growing up but she was not Suzy Homemaker. She was busy, including doing volunteer work at schools and also "working" downtown at a facility for underprivileged folks several days a week. For whatever reason, one thing she did enjoy doing at home was ironing, she said it was relaxing. My jeans, my handkerchiefs (a fresh one each day), my shirts, even my T-shirts, were always well ironed. When I moved out of my parents' home, I knew the days of having well ironed clothing were ending unless I did it myself. Which I didn't want to do and so haven't done.

chisue

A college friend married an Englishman. His MOTHER stirpped every bed, washed, ironed, and replaced the sheets DAILY. Why couldn't his WIFE?

Possibly because wifey had a full time job...and a life. His DM lived in the countryside, rather isolated, and...*her DH* was accustomed to this, having grown up with live-in help.

Housework often expands to fill time available.

This entire 'custom' flat out ended with my friend's refusal to continue it.

~~~~

While my husband had that "hang out the sheets" requirement, he didn't learn it from his mother. She was a businesswoman who spent very little time in the domestic department. I understood his obsession -- his experience of poverty and fear in WW2 had provoked concern about crawling, even invisible, things that thrive in dark and moist places.

"Elmer -- Can you find and re-post your beautiful contribution -- possibly from a few years back -- about your not wanting children; then wanting them; then wanting 'just one more'? It endeared you (and Mrs. Elmer) to me forever."

I'm touched that you would remember something I'd written. Thank you.

Honestly, I wouldn't know where to start to find something like that but I can try with your prompting - it is something very familiar to me.

I didn't want to have kids. It never interested me. I got married, we were busy enough with life that the topic didn't really come up, and when it did, my wife knew my thoughts. One day my wife said something like "You know, it's probably time to start a family". To which I responded something like "We've discussed it before, I don't really want kids". In her direct manner (just like mine), she said something like "I want kids and will have them with you or with someone else". That gave me something to think about and I relented after about a month but said something like "I can't promise how I will be with a kid, how I will react, if it will be something I can deal with, if I will want to stay with you with a kid in the picture". That was okay with her, we went forward with it. I found I had little interest in having infant in the house but as they got older and began to talk and understand, I could jump in and be very engaged. For hours on end.

There was a particular personal factor involved I won't mention but we had our family of kids, things were going well, and my wife one day said something like "Now that the youngest is out of diapers, we can leave that phase behind". To which I said something like - "How about having one more?" She said "You're crazy" and I said something like "So what, we both know that. I'd like one more". So we had one more.

The greatest happiness and sense of accomplishment (and contribution to our world) we have is from our kids. I'm grateful my wife pushed me into something I'd completely misjudged and was wrong about. I was and still am a devoted father, and as above, we communicate with them regularly. Dear Old Dad is regularly consulted for opinions and advice by all of them about their lives and various personal matters. It's deeply satisfying for me but honestly, they were all prepared for successful adult life through their hard work and educations and could make do without me if they wanted or needed to. That hasn't happened yet and hopefully won't for a long time.

At the same time, I profoundly understand the preference to not have kids. I really, really do. It's not for everyone and too many people have kids that shouldn't. We all suffer for that.

Thanks again, chisue. I hope this is what you had in mind. The tale is a part of me that's very personal but very important. Probably more important than anything else.

I truly love your story Elmer. I know we talked about this on a thread specifically about having children a few months ago.

I love that it ended up being such an amazing, fulfilling experience for you - and yet at the same time you still remain entirely nonjudgmental about those of us who know kids are not the right choice for ourselves.

I don't want to take your thread in a different direction, but I did want to say thanks. You've stuck up for me several times through the years on this topic. It's so nice to have someone be able to see both sides. :)

Elmer, I must say, whenever the subject of family comes up, your contributions stand out for their love and intelligence.

Thank you for this lovely thread.

I'm quite touched by the kind thoughts, thank you all again. I'm sure my tales and perspectives are not unique. Many of you have had similar experiences and have similar feelings.

What an interesting topic, I loved reading about all the different experiences we've had. Thanks to all who have shared and I don't think any of them were from strange individuals.