I was an only child and I did want kids, but I was a baby myself when I had the first one at 21!! When I look at my 23-year-old grandson I think he's so young and immature. When I was his age I had a two-year-old and a cute two-story house. At age 25 I had two kids. Today life is way different. This kid has a girlfriend but they just hang out, travel, and have zero plans to settle down. She's in graduate school and he will join her next year. They both graduated last May from William and Mary. If they ever get married, they will be close to 30, I'm guessing. My kids turned out well and never gave me any trouble. They each had only one child. Smaller families or no children will be the new normal. My parents came from families where they were one of five children. It was a different world back then.

The comment that prompted mine seems to have disappeared. I considered it hateful enough to make a comment because the comment was about people making a choice to have a career rather than children. It is no ones business what path someone takes.

Well,at least that poster realized their error.

My son is looking to start his family now. They want a pile of kids...which is awesome for me. I will take as many grandchildren as they will give me.

Elmer, you can start a whole other thread on MIL’s. That can keep us busy for a while. - eld6161

That's funny. I could write a book on MIL's.

The only reason I mention whether my youngest may or may not have kids is because they approach the subject with me. They ask about pros and cons and how to maintain their active lifestyle. They ask about how to maintain friendships. We've had several casual comments about it and other subjects which is easy with us living in the same house but it has to be their decision. They know, of course, that we're older parents and ask how we felt about that but our neighbourhood is full of older parents. Anyway, just thought I would clarify how and why I made my comment.

For myself I'm the eldest of 6 and was the built-in babysitter and never wanted children. My DH knew that but changed his mind 3 years into our marriage. I told him he could have one but we wound up with two close together and they are such good friends I'm glad they have each other. I wouldn't have it any other way but I still can't stand toddlers.

grandchildren to spoil!

Nina, your story sent chills up and down my spine. How wonderful.

I'm actually really impressed with this thread. Looks like maybe one person posted something they thought better of, but in general most everyone was very respectful. Thank you very much, I appreciate that.

My decision to not have children was a thoughtful one. I actually don't even mind sharing the reasons why if the people asking are open to hearing the answers. (Short answer is I had a tough childhood and I'm not sure I'd make a good parent. There's a whole lot more to it than that - but at its core I'm concerned I would not be a good parent.) I saw my way out through education, and spent years in grad school, etc..

The number of people who would push me to have children, or second guess my decision, amazed me years ago. Now that I'm older the comments have died down, and/or people are better educated about the thoughts they should keep to themselves.

I actually believe the world would be a better place if we stopped pressuring people to have children. Think about it. I would bet most of us know several people who had kids...and they've done a lousy job at raising them. What's wrong with admitting the truth? Being a parent is not for everyone.

I adore children. I love babies, toddlers and teens.

My son was born just after I turned 20 years old, 10 months after I was married. My daughter was born 5 years later. There were so many fun years when they were kids; going to the in-laws farm, Disneyland, ice fishing, skating, camping, teaching them to drive, birthday parties, Christmas. I loved it all. My husband did, too.

My son died at the age of 15 of an undetected heart issue, first symptom was sudden death. It threw our lives into chaos for a bit as it just didn’t make sense of how the natural order of things should be. We still had our daughter so we focused our energy on her. She was a wonderful girl.

She is now 38 years of age, married for 10 and no children. I have never asked her if she wants children. It’s really none of my business. She and her husband live a full, good life. We spend a lot of time with them and we enjoy their company.

My short answer to the OP is that I loved having children. I love the memories I have of them when they were young and I am now enjoying my adult daughter.

My husband and I are just about 45 years married and have lived our lives to the fullest both when our children were at home and when they were not with us.

Roxsol, I'm so very sorry for your loss

We were married 15 yrs before our daughter was born, so I can relate to the ugly, rude remarks about the fact we had no children, and later, more dumb remarks because we had only one. Our daughter was a joy. Never gave us a moment's trouble, did extremely well through school, and is a thoughtful, kind person. She and her husband were together 12 years before they married. I never said a word about that...that was their business. They married 5 years ago and are very compatible....that makes me the happiest. They have chosen to not have children. That is okay with me. I think I would be a good grandmother. I do a lot of things that kids would find interesting, but I would never say anything to her about it. Now people say to me that they feel badly for me that I don't have grandchildren. I say, "don't waste your sympathy on me....I don't care." People really should mind their own business.

This is a wonderful thread and its content and tone are just the salve I needed to read today; the sharing (and caring) is heartfelt. I have two children and the first has just headed off to college this year; I have tended to have to learn things the hard way and kids have been a terrific adventure (and still are). I remember crying at #1's first birthday that we both made it that far, LOL (musta misplaced the instructions on the way out of the hospital). Wishing everyone continued safe and fulfilling journeys.

Nina, your story sent chills up and down my spine. How wonderful.

the adoption attorney told us that it was in the top 3 stories of her career. to be sure, it was unusual! i had a book made of gabe's adoption story, he loves to read it. we always speak openly about adoption to him and while he's a bit too young to understand it completely, he does know all about his birth mom and we meet up with his birth family a couple of times a year. of course, covid has really put a dent in our get togethers and we are so looking forward to when we will get to see them again!

Roxsol, i'm so incredibly sorry for your loss. (((hugs)))

Roxsol. I am sorry. My brother died at six of leukemia. I never met him. He would have twelve years older than I am. I don’t know much. My mom couldn’t speak of it.

I have two siblings. Ten and eight years older.

Before I go on, I want to make it clear, I passionately believe in minding our own business. That goes for who we choose to love, if we believe in God or not, or how we do it if we do.... but, since you asked....

Having children? I never wanted to be married. I never longed for children. I was one of the youngest of a very large extended family, so I never dealt with babies.

I met my husband when I was twenty. We were together for 8 1/2 years when we married. I was three months along!!

Neither one of us had ever so much as changed a diaper! When she was born, her sister 3 years later and brother 6 years after that I remember experiencing a feeling I’ve never had before or since. Seeing them and holding them for the first time. Overwhelming love. Feeling loved. Worthy. Humbled. Hard to explain. I’ve got tears coming just remembering.

Funny little thing. My husband was in the room with me the whole time. The baby never was taken from the room. We were home the next day. When we had to change her for the first time, we were both terrified! 😂 I’ll never forget Beverly, the nurse came in. She was laughing at us, we were laughing. We were afraid of hurting her!

Our daughter survived our parenting! She is a mother now. He’s 7 months old 🥰

Grandmothering? Heavenly!! I get to help, as my SIL works for weeks out of country, then back. He’s here now so I get a little break.

All the joy, none of the worry! I’ll be worried about my three till my last breath. Not that there’s anything to worry about, they are great people, it’s just a thing. When they’re happy, I’m happy. If I detect any tone in a voice or look, I start worrying! 😜🥰 I love them!!!

I loved and enjoyed the experience of raising kids. Looking back there are things I would have done differently, but I suppose a lot of that comes from the fact I was the only working mom on my block and it was hard back then in the 70’s. Sure I had a lot of women at work who understood. But those SAHM’s back then were a different breed from today’s.

We now have 6 grandkids and while most live a couple hours away, we are no less close to them. We spent many weekends having as many of them as possible here with us in weekends giving them different experiences than they had at home. I was always the ‘reading grandma’ who read endless stories when they were too small to read on their own. We are proud of all our kids who are successful in their chosen careers, and our grandkids who are now well on their way to success in college or high school.

Nina, that is a beautiful story. And for all of you who have suffered the loss of a child I send my sincere condolences. I cannot imagine your grief.

Having children is not for everyone for so many reasons, and none of us should judge or comment in any way.

Michele, I am sorry that you never got to meet your brother. I am also sorry that your mother was unable to speak about him.

I spoke to my daughter quite often about her brother and I loved hearing her stories about him. She remembers many things about him and to this day will tell me a memory she has of him that I have never heard before. It makes me feel good to hear his name.

roxsol - I'm so sorry about your son.

Ninapearl - I love your story. Children come into our lives in so many different ways and your son and dil must be so thrilled.

Speaking of grandchildren for a minute - I don't really care if I ever have grandchildren. I hope that if my children want kids they will have them and yes they will automatically be my grandchildren but that's not why I want them to have kids. Does that make sense?

I have a friend who has 6 grandchildren and she is at the beckandcall of her children 24/7 to care for the grandchildren. She doesn't know how to say no to her daughters.

Such great stories!

I had a terrible mother (narcissist), had to babysit my younger sister a LOT from an early age, and had to babysit to earn $$$ for clothes, entertainment, etc., so by the time I was out of my teens I'd had my fill of babies and kids.

But, then I married and didn't feel right about denying DH of children (my greatest fear was that I would be like my mother, he assured me that wouldn't be the case). We agreed to have one and see how it went. We were completely in love from the moment we first laid eyes on him and he was an incredibly easy baby and child, and now the most amazing adult, husband and father of two toddlers.

We went on to have our daughter 21 months later. They have been a joy and I learned I was pretty darn good at the mothering thing. :)

Blfenton, I totally agree. The grandparent question is close to the children question.

I have a friend who did not have children. She wanted them, but married a man who already had two. She married him and he kept leading her on. One reason or another why they had to wait. Then it was too late. Turns out, he didn’t want any. She stayed in the marriage but from time to time would share her remorse. Yes, it bothered her.

Fast forward, his kids have kids and she is close to her niece’s kids. She feels like a grandmother. She once smuggling insinuated what I was missing.

I was kind. I didn’t say what I was thinking that although she did have a role here, this next generation were not actually HER grandchildren.

Vent over.

ETA, what say you, you learned exactly what NOT to do ;)

Stacey_mb

I'll admit I was one of those annoying moms who ask their married offspring when they are having children. DS and DDIL had twins and we were thrilled! Fast forward to now they are 17 years old. Tragically, their mother passed away in November and I can't help thinking that their presence is positive and healing for our son, since he needs to focus on their needs and maintaining a healthy environment in addition to his own. He certainly keeps our DDIL present in their lives by talking about her, considering what she might wish in decisions they make, etc. ETA correct typo.

Having children? I never wanted to be married. I never longed for children.

This is exactly me! I thought marriage was a terrible scam and being an only child from a small family, had no experience of babies. I met the right boy one day, married, eventually got pregnant, fell crazily in love with being a mother, proceeded to have four boys, back to back.

As for rude comments about not having children, I have had plenty of those about having four. In labor and delivery with child number three the OB on call, not my regular OB, said I should be in the psych ward for having three children in quick succession! I have also heard about the negative environmental impact of my choice to have a large family from a few people.

I often got looks and remarks having three! People were also quick to comment about us having our third when I was almost 39. It’s more common now but even 20 years ago it was a bit different.

People also felt free to give me their opinions about my choices. I chose care by midwives, family bed, extended nursing....I worked too. I often had my daughter at work with me in a carrier. I was a floral designer. People got a kick out of that.

I've never enjoyed being around children and didn't for a second think I would want to live with any. Being childfree was also pretty common among my friends. We travelled, we had fun, we had less worries and more disposable income. I also think having children is a much, much bigger decision for the woman than the man, given what it can do to her body. If people want children and the lifestyle that goes with them, good for them. But I've always been very grateful for the pill!

eld, I have a step-grandson whom I dearly love. and he most certainly is "my" grandson. We're so close that sometimes he forgets that we're not blood kin, which warms my heart. He even helped plan my husband's funeral arrangements last year and served as a pall bearer. I'm so thankful to have this young man in my life. Perhaps that's how your friend feels about her husband's grandchildren, too. I'm sorry if your friend was smug about having grandchildren when you don't, but I hope she was just wishing you could have the joy that she has.

Some people who have children and grandchildren have a hard time understanding how anyone could not want them. Please simply tell anyone who makes remarks to you about your choice to not have children that : You're happy with your choice, you're happy with your life, and to please not waste their time and breath trying to convince you otherwise. Not everyone needs or wants to have children, and we all need to learn to respect their decisions.

I just wish all the people who have baby after baby, and then abuse them, or allowed others to abuse them, had made a decision not to have children.

Nice to read the stories here. A nice mix.

I came from a family of disturbed people and became mother to a baby sister at a young age. Mother was not the mother type and should not have had children. It was rough growing up and by the time I got out at a young age I really had no desire to have children, already having been a mother to a sister. I was pretty worn out to be honest. Funny though how back in the day as a young female, each day I was asked if I was going to get married and have children. I didn't get offended by this daily question, but it was annoying. I used to think myself, isn't it strange that people who hardly know me would ask such a personal question.

My husband and I ended up having two kids and they are wonderful people. Grown up now. I enjoyed being their mom very much. I kind of miss it in a way as it really was my joy to raise them. The hard times (lots of hard times during pre-teen and teen years) and the good, we got through it.

I also realized along the way that just because my own family was very bad at being sensible or good people and parents didn't mean it would happen to me. Although, I did worry about that. But being a good parent did seem to come naturally to me.

My kids are successful adults and even better, they are good people. Whether they will have children of their own, I don't ask them, but they do mention that they probably won't. They don't feel that they will meet a suitable mate anytime soon. Their careers are important to them and to be carefully developed. They feel being women, they would be overlooked or passed over for important positions or promotions if they had children to care for as they see this happen in their work lives with other women. They both feel they wouldn't be comfortable leaving the care of their children to nannies like some of their co-workers have done out of necessity.. They are both of the opinion why bother to have children if you pay someone to raise your children for you. I try to not say much on this topic, just listen, because it feels like anything I could say could be the wrong thing to say, so I just listen. It's their life, not mine. I worked from home while raising them so we never had nannies or babysitters and that might influence how they feel about this. They have said that they felt they had the best of upbringing by having me there for them every day. Alas, their careers are not the type where they could work from home while taking care of their future children. We'll have to wait and see if they will have children, but being 20-somethings, they are not asked too often if they are going to have children. The culture is changing and this is a not an acceptable question to ask anymore, like it was when I was young. Which is a good, because they both find that to be an intrusive question to ask someone. Possibly let the asker know just how out of line they were, too.

"The culture is changing and this is a not an acceptable question to ask anymore, like it was when I was young."

Maybe this has varied, but I've never seen this question to be other than about a personal matter that as with other such things is inappropriate and nosey for someone to ask about. Even to a family member and perhaps especially so.

I'm glad to read you feel that way. It seems until recently, your stance on this was not the norm. I admit, because it was asked of me so often, I too used to ask this question of young people. It seemed to be part of casual conversation. Now, this seems absurd and I regret having used that question during light chat.

I haven’t read the whole thread but I see that some of you have made the choice to remain child free . Good for you for knowing your own heart and mind. I can’t imagine life without my sons although one of them gave me many sleepless nights growing up. Now one of my greatest pleasures is chatting with them as adults. It’s also a comfort to know I have someone to help out as I age, although that’s not a reason to have kids.

Maybe this has varied, but I've never seen this question to be other than about a personal matter that as with other such things is inappropriate and nosey for someone to ask about. Even to a family member and perhaps especially so.

100% agree with this! during the years my son and his wife tried everything to conceive, oftentimes they would be asked when they were going to have a baby. i always cringed because i knew the circumstances and a couple of times, with borish people who just wouldn't leave the subject alone, i piped up and told them it was none of their business!

I've lived both sides of this. My husband and I never had children. I don't know that it was a conscious decision more than one of just never getting the timing right and then it seemed too late to even try to decide. So I lived most of my child rearing years without children.

But, as I've mentioned before, when I was 42, I was reunited with a son I'd placed for adoption before I was married. Suddenly, I was a mother of a fully grown man. He didn't need more mothering, but it was still a mother/son relationship. Legal papers do not destroy the bond of a mother and child. I cannot describe the feeling of meeting him, other than I suspect it is the same feeling a new mother has when her baby is first born. That immediate sense of him being a part of me...a part that had been lost and then was found.

Many years later, he had his own son and I became a grandmother. Again, there is no way to describe that feeling of connection to your flesh and blood. I think those of us who never experienced that before, then it happens, understand what a profound connection it is.

I would have been fine having never had the experience of being a mother; I would not have known what I was missing. Same with being a grandmother. But both have filled my heart and soul with something intangible that I am grateful to have gotten to experience.

I'm so happy for you and your DS, olychick! Too bad everyone can't have more than the 'alloted' mothers and grandmothers to care about them.

As for anyone asking personal questions, I like the response attributed to various advice columnists: Why do you ask? (You intrusive busybody, you!)

I was rendered infertile by an incompetent gynecologist playing surgeon shortly after I was married. .We were fortunate to be able to adopt an infant son. I wanted very much to meet his 20 y.o. mother, but it 'wasn't done' fifty years ago. When my DH discovered his own adoption, we found both birth families. Unfortunately, there's been no on-going connection, but vital questions were answered and some old pain was relieved.

I am grateful for having our DS and his DW and children in our lives. We would be quite alone without them, as DH and I were both 'only children' with no close relatives. I would not enjoyed a child-free life -- decades of 'just us'. I'd have missed the risks, the testing, the joys and the 'mess' of family life.

olychick - that was beautiful

seagrass

Michele, I raised my baby much the same as you. I got a lot of flack about it, but that was one of the best things about being 34 yrs old when she was born.....I was old enough not to be intimidated by people being agast that I was STILL nursing after 6 months. I nursed her much longer than that. One woman told me she never even considered nursing her babies. I said, "Really?? What did you think titties were for?".

:))

When my son was born he was the only baby out of 28 in the big city hospital who was being nursed.. They even were going to give me pills to dry me up. Times have changed.

Oly, your story is so touching. I am glad you found your son.

I wonder who it was that deleted her post about selfish and careers. I hope it was a lurker and not a long-time member here.

I never had a career.....just worked at physical blue collar jobs, sales and my current menial one. My choice not to have kids wasn't to be selfish and make a ton of money. My choice was because I knew I wouldn't be a good mother; even though I was often told otherwise by those who thought they were well-meaning. And that "I'd love them once I had them." Uh, they're not from Sears, you can't return them.

Thankfully Mom knew me well enough and agreed I made the right decision at the time. She never once said otherwise, and we often laughed together about me being a mom and she was glad I'm not.

No long story here-I had 3, in fact.

The first I lost at 6 month term, had the 2nd at 20 yrs of age, and the third 21 months later.

I had planned/hoped to have 6 kids but the good Lord thought otherwise.

Loved them then, love them now as well as the 4 grands that I have.

I missed the comment about "selfish and careers" but I remember my mother making comments about women without children being selfish. Even as a very small child that left me scratching my head. I remember thinking that perhaps those women she was deriding couldn't have kids but that either way it was an awful thing to say. Looking back I think she was jealous of those childless women since she clearly was not cut out for motherhood.

I have had four children: three boys and a girl. My oldest passed away going on 8 years ago. Only one of my children has a child of his own. The other two don't want children and the one that has one, can only have the one as his wife can no longer have children because of stomach issues.

While it makes me sad that two of my kids don't want kids, I understand why they don't want children. And it's their lives. Their decisions. And I have to respect it. I did ask at one time, just about a year ago I think: do you not want kids because you don't think I was a good parent and you don't want to pass that down? Yeah, I made it about me. Their answer was simply, "we can't afford a child and we can't give a child everything they need. While we like children, we don't feel the need to have one."

I have one sister who has had 13 children. THIRTEEN! I had four. Another sister just one and the last had none. I sometimes envy the one that had no children because of all the freedoms she's had in her 65 years. Never having to stay home because she couldn't find a sitter. Always been able to travel whenever and wherever she wanted to because she could. But now she's 65 and has been single for over 20 years and I can't imagine being alone that long.

All of my kids live within a 15 minute drive in good traffic. We don't see them often, especially this past year due to Covid restrictions in the province. We see our youngest the most as we often take his son for a weekend or longer. But we all keep touch through FB Messenger. I don't pry into their lives, they don't pry into ours. We drop everything at the drop of a hat if they need help. We often have to pull teeth to get someone to come help us. We built a small deck in front of the house, but need help putting up the rails and the roof (I want to sit outside in the rain, but not get soaked lol), and have asked two summers in a row for the boys (including an inlaw) to come help as my husband has a head injury and needs help. Well......... let's see if any of them will come this summer....

I would never fault anyone for not having children. No matter what the reason. I never wanted to get married...my parents were very strict and they wanted me to get married because my dad retired and they wanted to travel, and no one to watch me. I was 19. They wanted me to marry Jody because he was a hard worker, and because I never stood up to them and to disobey never entered my mind, that is what I did. But I soon found out it wasn't a bed of roses, and I did have a say about having a baby.

I had never baby sat, changed a diaper and I didn't enjoy holding friends' babies when they insisted.

I had a miscarriage 13 yrs into being married and the doctor told me I didn't have to wait to get pregnant again. I told him I wasn't sure I wanted to have a baby. He offered to tie my tubes. I didn't want to do that because I wasn't sure I wanted a permanent solution.

A couple years later, I got pregnant again. I read a book, while I was pregnant, called The Continuum Concept and it changed my life and the way I raised my baby. Boy, I got a lot of flack from the busy bodies for that, but I never wavered and if I had it to do again, I wouldn't change a thing

I didn't want to have kids until I was in my mid 20s. I had the 2 in my late 20s and early 30s. I was a very bored stay at home mom for part of it. We had a lot of simple fun. I made elaborate (for me) cakes and homemade pinatas for borthdays and some holidays. Things weren't fun when I went through a divorce and was trying to get through nursing school later. Worst time in my life. Kids are doing okay now and grown. I think I did okay raising them by myself for the most part.

I'd like to have grandkids some day but not sure that's going to happen. Neither child is dating anyone. I have a granddog and am happy with that.

It is an important question--if you are having kids--if Society is to continue. I married "late" so had my three later than is typical. When we had ours the message was kids are too expensive you need to both work. Same as it is today. Back then we found it not to be true. I pray daily my offspring find it not to be true too!!! I stayed home. Why would I leave mine to be raised in day care and spend all my days with other people's kids? That made no sense to me. My education--Speech/Language/Hearing Science, BS &MA taught me how vital hands on, stimulation, love was to the optimal development of children. Bored--sure it can be, especially with just one but by the time the #3 came along too busy to think was more appropriate description. I was not a girl who spent hours and hours of childhood dreaming of marriage and babies but gosh I was blessed it came my way. As of now they are three adults making their way and doing a dang good job of it. Grand kids will be in my future if my three's prayers are answered in the affirmative. I am very cognizant that I lived my life my way and so I have to allow them to do the same!!

One thing I want to say about women, babies and working.

Very few women didn’t have to work. My grandmother was a mother to thirteen. On a farm! Back in the old days! Because she didn’t have a desk job she wasn’t working? I have nothing but respect.

When my youngest was born, my husband had his own clients and worked from home. He took over the household work. I increased my hours at the flower shop. I wished I could do the household work, and be with my kids, but we needed the income.

I will never forget an incident. It was a holiday, and I managed to have the day off. (Most holidays are spent working if you work in floral design).

I had walked over to the playground with my children. I ran into a nanny I knew who watched three kids. In chatting, I said something like “their mom had to work today too?” She said “Oh, she doesn’t work”. My jaw must have dropped. She laughed. The nanny worked 5 days a week, all day! She even bathed the children. I couldn’t imagine. I would have given my eye teeth, as the saying goes, to be able to take care of the home front and be with my kids. They were then, still are and will always be everything to me.

I have friends who don’t have kids, and are thrilled with their choice. I understand completely! We laugh about it. I can see the beauty in their decision, and they can see the beauty in mine.

I say I feel extremely lucky to have my three.

I didn't work outside of home. Jody worked usually 7 days a week. I ran his errands....net shop, parts houses, etc. and when he was home, I was there. I didn't have a baby for 15 years, but I had plenty to do at home. I took care of my mother after my dad died in 1968, until she died in 1997. I raised horses and waterlilies and koi and fancy goldfish. I was never bored. I had my daughter in 1980 and took care of her until she left for college in 1999. Then in 2002, I took care of Ken until he died in 2010. Now I am taking care of Jody, who is terminally ill. I have called in hospice.

And even though I probably shouldn't, I have found another horse that needs me, and if he is still available tomorrow, I will have him delivered here. A new baby.

I am so sorry marilyn from you discription of Jody's oxygen needs during the freeze the time was near. It always hurts to acknowledge what is happening and I wish both of you peace.

I'm sorry for the losses a lot of you have experienced. The loss of a child is just horrible.

I never had a stable well monied life....which is what I would have required to have felt safe having children. Having to work and be the sole provider if divorced like my mother, was not something I wished on myself. Someone once told me I over thought having children, a bit too much. Maybe. ♥

Marilyn...that’s a lot of taking care of others you’ve done in your life. That’s really a wonderful thing. Stay strong, remember to take care of yourself too.

I'm so sorry for anyone who has lost their child. That is a sorrow that I can't even fathom.

Marilyn so sorry that Jody is worsening. My thoughts are with you.