I would give each child/step-child the same amount and each grandchild the same amount. Say I have a child from a previous marriage and the mr. does also. Then we have one child together for a total of three children. Each of these three children would get the same amount.

Of course, we are not in this situation because we have no children. When my grandparents were living, they always gave money to the children and grandchildren. Everyone received the same amount.

ETA: I think it depends on how you think of it as I see some responses are based on per family, whereas in some families (such as my own when my grandparents were living) they thought per person.

As the youngest child and one who had children last, I was on the receiving end of the "per capita" gift policy, but I think it is fair.

The gift is not just a gift to each child, it is to each relative. If the childless child got, say $100, and so did the ones with 5 kids, then aren't they being shortchanged, having recd only 20 per capita?

I have a different question, unanswerable. I recently heard a comedian say, of the stimulus package, "$600 is what rich people think poor people think is a lot of money." One thing that happens as you get older is your sense of money is in a time warp. What is, in your opinion, a generous monetary gift at Christmas? Not a generational wealth transfer, LOL, but generous?

I agree with your husband, unless you think the daughter is grabbing the kids' money and buying things for for herself.

I do by family, so my daughter, who is unmarried and childless, gets an amount equivalent to what we spend on my son’s family, which includes my two grandchildren. ETA: I think my daughter does better since we spend what we want on my son’s family, then total it to give a check minus whatever gifts we bought her. She often struggles, so the check is much appreciated.

This is a recent topic in our family. We have 3 adult kids, one is married, one is about to become engaged and the third is single. Birthdays are easy since we give the same amount to each of them and my DDIL. My grand daughter is only 18 months old so we give her gifts.

Christmas is different. We always gave the kids presents and I tried to keep the amount that I spent the same for each of them, and they knew that it all evened out eventually. We also gave them a very large check and they put most into their investment accounts and a portion they spent. When my eldest married we decided to give by family and now that we're older that amount has become rather significant.

I think this will work out long term since it's not dependent on if they are married or have children.

Over the years we've also discussed how to handle the various expenses associated with their life events - weddings, house buying, education etc. We paid tuition, contributed to one son's wedding, covered the other son's law degree, helped DD with buying her home. These have more more difficult to figure out.

We have 2 children, one has one child. The other has 2 children. We try to give each grandchild equal ($) wise. (My husband is more concerned about the actual gift costs being equal then I am. If one has a total that is higher then another he tries to make up for the difference adding to the envelope.)

Our daughter is divorced and has a long time boyfriend. Our son, his wife and our daughter each receive equally. Boyfriend gets something nice but not “in-law nice”..

I guess some people use the holidays for "generational wealth transfer" but we do not. So I am talking about gifts. Generational wealth transfer, like inheritance, I do believe should be per stirpes if i recall the correct term.

Gifts should be per capita IMHO.

I think that- grown up or not-children in certain instances still are prone to feel like children...when it comes from their parents-they want exact equality, not relative. They might want it only very deep inside, and they might be totally fine with different distribution, due to different circumstances, and they can be wise about it, but I think the signal from parents better be "you got exact amount of attention". money being an attention, in this case. That's a safer route.

Grandkids -even more so, for they are little and rarely wise yet.

When my nephews had their big birthday, my brother wrote to me ahead of a time,telling me how one of them(they're twins) really wants some elaborate electronic whatever game. I told him "okay but know that means one of kids gets a game, another, money. Think about it" He said it's fine

We went to celebrate (flew, actually), and brough a very bulky big game to one of the nephews, and moeney gift-equivalent of that game's cost- to another one .

Bien sur apres celebration the birthday boys sat down to count all the money gifts they received and the nephew who got the game said "I'm 300 dollars short". I softly reminded him that he received the game he wanted instead. He said "yes, right, of course" but one could see he was still terribly disappointed

(I was too -since the game was so big we literally had to check in another piece of luggage with us or else it wouldn't fit. And still I came across as the aunt who didn't give her attention equally. )

Mtn, depending from whom-my kids are going to receive 300 $ each from their Grandma, and it's extremely generous given her modest means, but she of course told me "I'm theit Grandma" and "I'll do as I please" and "Over my dead body if you don't" and everything that still keeps me in line, because even as a grown up-some of our patents' sentences cast some sort of magic spell and you can't move. You feel mighty stupid -yet you're still under that spell. "Over my dead body" still works with frightening efficiency..))

Now if they were to receive 300$ from me-it'd be plain generous.

And once upon a time, 30$ would be generous. Relatively to our means and their age then.

It might be there will be time and 30$ will become generous again, lol. Who knows.

That is exactly the term, mtn. I believe the gifts ought to be per stirpes. DH gives per capita, which disregards family units.

Back to further discuss this after DGD and DGS Zoom call with Santa that we can sit in on.

For years my parents have given each of us four adult children the same amount--whether married, single or divorced. Now that their 13 grandchildren are late teens/young adults they also give each one the same amount--regardless of age/student or employed/married or single. I've always thought that was wise and fair. Per capita, but adult child gifts of higher value than grandchild gifts. One thing I would never do is adjust the amount I gave to an adult child based on how I felt they would use the money.

Basically, Santa just needs to decide whether he want’s to give each “family” a gift, or each person. I have 3 sisters, 2 with kids, 1 without. When I give money that’s for the sisters with kids combined as 1 unit, I give equally to each “family”. When I give to my sisters and their kids, as individuals, I give equally amongst the adults and equally amongst the kids.

Santa’s comment while Zooming with the twins: I’ve heard a sound like this before. It was the monkey house at the zoo! 😂 Nevertheless, it was really cute and I’m glad I got to participate.

Back to money talk: I am one of two children. My parents gave my sister and me money for birthdays, but at Christmas we usually got gifts. The “big” gifts were always the same for each of us. The smaller gifts were more individualized. Sister and I never paid attention to whether or not our gifts were equal, either in number or value. And there was never a cash gift to one or the other to equalize our presents.

Someone upthread asked if DH’s daughter were grabbing the money and spending it on herself. No. DH’s grandchildren are all adults.

My grandchildren are all under 4. For Christmas this year, DGS’ gifts cost twice his twin sister’s gifts, and littlest’s gifts cost as much as DGD and DGS combined. But they are each getting the same number of things and that is all they will be concerned with. They are clueless about value or cost, but they can count!

I hadn't thought of it in legal terms and mtn's explanation simplified it. Our gifts are per capital and generational distributions per stirpes.

A generous gift to me would be 500-1000 (basically a plane ticket). I have been the recipient of some. 200 as an adult is nice (anything is nice) and would allow

me to treat myself to something out of the way. It’s relative to the giver to me, though. I wouldn’t want that big of a gift from anyone where it would strain their finances whatsoever. I’d rather have a cookie and a hug!

in my opinion per capita is more fair than per family unit. Kids are so expensive that childless son is already way ahead financially.

my in-laws give and receive presents. In my family we give presents to the kids and the adults contribute to a family meal fund we use to have takeout meals together through the year.

Some people are missing the gist of the question when they say "same amount."

If you have 2 kids, say Liz and Jack. Yes of course they get the same amount.

But if Liz marries and has 3 kids, and Jack is single, how do you define giving "the same amount"?

If per stirpes (the may most wills are), then if you give Jack $500, you would give Liz and her family a total of $500. That is "the same amount" per stirpes.

If you wanted to give the "the same amount" per capita, You would give Jack $500, and Liz $500, and her DH $500, and each of her kids $500. (One variant to per capita is to also differentiate by age, but it is still per capita ... ie the family with the most kids get the most).

Almost everyone does their wills per stirpes. The issue is gifts.

It reminded me ..we had a funny comedy in Soviet Union ..there was a scene there.."flowers for the wife, ice cream for the kids..got it? just don't mess up!"

PS per capita...but with age differentiation. actually I prefer to give something that's not money, but with kids of certain age money is easier..I don't know anymore what they want and how to please them. Out of ideas. In short per capita.

and thank you ..I always learn someting new here, for example I googled "per stripres" since I had no idea what it means.

You don't know how much I learn from you.

My parents have always given monetary gifts on a per capita basis, but with differing amounts at different generational levels. That is, the children each receive the same amount but that is a higher amount than the grandchildren's amount. Since my parent's gift list includes all of their siblings, the whole thing can get quite complicated. They are now giving gifts to the great-grandchildren of three of their siblings.

I strive for parity with the girls' gifts. Since they are both married, I usually choose one couple-type gift, then an individual gift or two and maybe a gift for their pets. I don't give them monetary gifts as they are all self-sustaining.

“ But if Liz marries and has 3 kids, and Jack is single, how do you define giving "the same amount"?

Liz and Jack get the same amount. The 3 children, and the spouse, each get additional something.

My thinking would be in line with maddielee's, and if I were in this situation, that's how I would handle it.

Family dynamics are so unique, though, that you have to do what you feel is in the best interest of the people involved. I am quite sure that my parents have given financially to my youngest brother over and above that which they have ever given me monetarily, and I have absolutely no problem with that. My brother needs the help more than I do. So that's our dynamic, but yours and hers and his will likely be different.

Sorry bbstx, I agree with your husband. Gifts are personal, and should be given "per capita."

For example if a person has three children, and one has one child, the second two children, and the third three children should the grandchild in the single child family receive three times more than the grandchildren who have two siblings?

Give to individuals, not units.

My father gave us generous checks, per capita including spouses, at Christmas. There are three of us kids, two married and one not. No grands. I'm certain that my unmarried sister always felt shorted, because as a household, those of us with spouses got twice as much. These gifts were generous enough that it was significant.

A moot point now, but no doubt a source of irritation for years.

It can be confusing if there are two different purposes. The first purpose might be to celebrate a holiday with a gift (or gift exchange), one that is not meant to be a wealth-transfer vehicle.

The second purpose might be a deliberate wealth-transfer transaction, whether related to a holiday or not. People mix them up all the time, and apply criteria for one purpose to another purpose instead.

In my view, the owner of the assets retains the right to choose the goal they wish to achieve with their own assets. The children are not entitled to make those decisions for the parents. So, for example, if a goal of the parent is to strengthen the future of their family, they might pay for excellent (even if unequal cost) education for each of their children; then help them get set up in home-ownership, and solidly launched into adult life. Educations vary wildly in cost, and home values vary widely by geography. The parents might spend more on one child than others to achieve the same goal/result they desire for each of their children.

When that was complete, they might turn their attention to strengthening the next generation down-line, the grandchildren. Here is where I think the goals of the asset owners can become tricky if their grandchildren are not evenly spread within the family. IF the original generation wishes to support the education and adult establishment of their grandchildren as a direct method of building the future of the family, they have every right to do so. It is their choice, their personal goal, and their assets. It could appear to be unfair since it would not follow the per stirpes distribution (equal among all "issue" regardless of descendants), but would more effectively meet the goal of the original generation.

I think one of the main reasons for the growth of this type of wealth-transfer in the past 100 years, in addition to the estate tax advantages, is the chance to make generational transfers starting at a very young ages, and not being locked in to the per stirpes "expectation". If you don't think you have the right (within the tax law constraints) to choose your goal for yourself, and then how to deploy your assets to meet your goals, then who does? If all the adult children have been supported into full, stable adulthood, and don't have children of their own, then the simple truth is that they are not carrying the family forward into the next generation. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that, it can occur for many different reasons. At the same time, there is nothing wrong with the grandparents taking the long view and looking at the future of the family that will exist in the generations to come.

I do understand that money is so emotional for people, and that in some cases it's held as an equivalent to love and attention, but it's just a tool to be used for achieving one's (legal) goals. Two different families might have two different goals: one might prioritize "fairness" and follow whatever definition they adopted for that, while another family might prioritize "support" and follow whatever definition they adopted for that. Neither family is wrong! They each have the right to do what achieves their individual and differing goals.

I would not presume to tell another family how to choose, nor would I welcome another family telling me, "No, you're wrong, let's you do it my way."

My two adult sons aren’t married and don’t have kids (dammit). I try to be even in my gift giving although the younger one lives nearby and is an enormous help to me and the other lives far away and barely remembers my birthday. Neither knows what I give the other so I often give the younger slightly more. He deserves it.

This Christmas the older one asked for a rather expensive gift and the younger doesn’t want much. So I gave the older his expensive gift and a few other small things, plus a check. I’ll give the younger the same amount that I spent on the older in his check. The younger also has his SO and I give her a gift worth $70 which is beyond his gift.

I handle my mother’s finances and her annual wealth transfer is her gift to her children and grandchildren. Since she gives the maximum amount allowed, her gift covers each entire household, whether it’s a single person or if they have kids. Enough is enough.

This thread leaves me wondering if recipients of monetary gifts typically "compare" amounts received. I know everyone is different, but I cannot imagine doing such a thing. I only know that my brother has received amounts "over and above" what I have from my parents because my mother (with whom I am very close) has told me how she and my dad have helped him in discussions pertinent to events beyond their gifts. Maybe there are some adult siblings who call one another and say something along the lines of, "Hey, the folks just gave me a $500 check for Christmas. What'd they give you?" -- but to me, that's really crass. (ETA: Then again, I am considerably older than my siblings, so the rivalry that may be more common with siblings closer in age has never been an issue.)

In my case, I was executor of my father's estate, so privy to his finances. There was never any actual conversation that I was aware of. But I know my sister, and could read her mind.

My in-laws don't give monetary gifts, but occasionally they help out if someone is in need. DH and i have always been of the opinion that it doesn't have to be even. We've never been in a position to need help, but if they want to pay for our niece's braces because her parents can't, that's fine. It's not a competition, or it shouldn't be. They do share some details only with us, because DH is their executor and they confide. Details carefully kept from one sister, who thinks that her child is entitled to as much as the rest might get.🙄

I think we get it Mt. but I will clarify my post (how my grandparents did it). The same dollar amount was given to each child and to each child's spouse - my grandparents considered in-laws their children also. Same with the grandchildren. Each of us and our spouse (if/when we had one) received the same amount. That was really only in their later years as they really didn't consider money a "gift" if that makes sense. I never saw any rivalry. My parents were the same way, but I cannot remember a Christmas they gave us money. My husband and I do equal gifts for each parent or sibling. Sadly, that number is getting smaller and smaller.

I consider my gift giving personal meaning to each INDIVIDUAL. I spend approximately the same amount on my son, my daughter, and my son-in-law. Son is now divorced, but I did the same for her. One grandchild is 18, one is 7. I spend the same on each, regardless of the age difference. Little kid toys can get expensive😜. Of course, sometimes it can’t work out exactly, but I don’t sweat that. They know about how much I spend on each and I tell them early to be thinking about what they NEED and what they might LIKE. Occasionally in the past, they have SUGGESTED a larger COUPLE gift they might NEED and i go by that suggestion. One year my son and his wife needed a TV as theirs had gone bad. That was their gift which equaled to about what I would have spent individually. Another year, my daughter had just installed new wood floors in her family room and was really wanting a rug from Pottery Barn. That was their couple gift. Even if it put me over my set limit, I would throw in a little something personal. My family communicates well and appreciates everything we do for them and no jealousy if it appears that one might get more than the others.

Now that hat my son is divorced and lost a chunk of the household income, I try to focus on his needs more.

Three kids—-two are married, youngest son has a long term GF—we consider them married. Two grands by the oldest son.

We spend roughly the same amount on each “family unit” at Christmas—-by that I mean we do give more to the two without kids at Christmas because twice a year I spend a considerable amount on summer and winter clothes for the grands. Whatever we don’t spend in actual gifts I give in gift cards or a check. We try to keep spending as even as possible among the three.

My Mom (97) as been essentially divesting herself and giving generous cash birthday and Christmas gifts for years. I have lots of sibs. It has never occurred to me to compare. This year I told her that I hope she lives long enough to go broke!

I can't speak for the OP, but I don't think the issue is that people would compare and "find out," it's an issue of what people think is fair. Seems to me both approaches are common.

A similar thread awhile back made me rethink our children vs their spouses. I was not giving the spouses the same as our children. Why? Because that's the way Mom did it. So this year I decided to give equally for birthdays and Christmas. The spouses were surprised and appreciative. The grandchildren do not get the same as the adults, but the grandchildren get more things during the year (not a special occasion) and I also add funds to their CollegeCounts.

We give a joint cash give to our kids and their spouses, plus smaller gifts to open that are pretty much equal in value to each so there are gifts to open. We have 6 grandkids and have always done the same for each of them as they are now older and harder to buy gifts for them. They get cash and a gift or two. I keep telling DH our kids are now fully on their own and not ‘broke new parents’ anymore, so we should start weaning them at Christmas. They all do quite well in their careers and we have contributed to the grands CollegeCounts accounts too, plus one has received some major scholastic scholarship aid and I have no doubt another will too.

Now the problem is going to be what do we do when the grands start getting married? The oldest will likely be getting engaged in the next year. Hard to believe, but yeah, he will graduate next August, and they are already making plans in that direction. So when she is officially in the family, and they are both gainfully employed, do we downsize the size of their gifts? Nah.