"I'm not trying to dwell on this..." Then stop doing it! ".... but I worry he will feel like I kept him from having this." How many ways/times does he have to tell you he's OK with it? Sounds to me as if you're seizing upon what you regard as mixed messages from hubby. They aren't mixed. He's said all along the way he's fine with things as they are. Nobody's denying anybody anything. Everything's clear and everybody's happy. I think you're fantasizing. I encourage you not to get to a place where he feels he can't talk with you about certain subjects because he's become wary of your obsessing about them. I suspect this is just one more way he's letting you know he thinks you're a great mom. Accept it for what it is. Don't use it for a launching pad or an indication that he wishes you were different. He's told you he doesn't. Let it go. Be happy. Be the good wife and mom you already are. Or....if it does turn into some huge deal....adoption awaits. Just don't make yourself nuts over something that's impossible for you to accomplish-- which is what your post seems to say you're doing. Personally, I wish I was 35 again. I can't do that either, but I don't dwell on it. And my friends and family don't seem to mind.

I don't want to repeat myself--so read what I posted last on this thread. Thanks to benicebekind (smile), I'll write a little about what happens when you 'take over' for another person--that is how you train other people to be dependent on you. What that can lead to is not good. A person that is fairly normal will resent another person from wanting or trying to 'take over' for them (that would be me). Some people like the challenge that comes with life and aren't all that agreeable to someone else thinking for them, or doing for them, etc. (that's me too) I don't want to ramble on about the entire subject, so let me give a couple examples. A friend of mine was complaining about his wife (a professor at a university) missing important appointments and forgetting obligations, being constantly unprepared, etc. It was creating all kinds of dilemmas and involving other people coming to her aid. Her lack of organization was affecting too many areas of their life. He was even concerned that not meeting deadlines for important things would have something to do with her not obtaining tenure at the university (no job). I suggested that she needed a secretary. Of course, that was an unhelpful suggestion because we knew that their incomes wouldn't support such an extravagance. The husband tried to help by purchasing a dayplanner and trying to keep track of things for her, etc.--calling her throughout the day to remind her of things and seeing her off early every day with a checklist to make sure she had everything she needed that day. He was even helping her with the on-line university course she had obligated herself to. She was constantly overextending herself--and that was partly because she had stopped being realistic about what she could/would handle. He was more concerned about her lack of organization than she was. He had helped her all the years she was studying for her doctorate, etc. He was finding life quite frustrating--trying to keep track of her responsibilities and his own. He didn't know what to do. You see, by taking care of so many things that his wife could take care of on her own, he had trained his wife to be dependent upon him. He just thought he was being a great guy--but now her lack of organization was affecting the family life and her professional life. After all the money sunk into her career, the thought of her not getting tenure was more than he cared to even think about. The same story could be altered some and apply to the experiences he and his kids were sharing. I can tell you that having known this person for all his life, he was a tremendous self-starter and achiever. What caused him to place tremendous pressure on his family to achieve--I don't know. His kids are nervous wrecks and someday will face the dilemma of never being satisfied with themselves. They will most likely perpetuate the pressure that was placed on them with the love of their life and their children too. When we try to take over for other people--we usually have good intentions--and we all know that we need each other--I'm not talking about the healthy kind of help and support we give each other. The inspiration and encouragement we offer each other is often the best and most we can or should do for each other. When we 'take over' for another person, the message given is that we do not believe in this other person; we do not trust this other person; we are insecure and have to take things into our own hands. These messages are demeaning to the development of a marital relationship and even more harmful to the development of a child/teenager/young adult. 'Taking over' for another person when that other person is quite capable or WOULD be quite capable if we would give them the freedom to make mistakes and take responsibility for their decisions and actions and feelings, robs another person of their dignity and causes the human soul to falter. Making mistakes and suffering the consequences is part of learning. When you step in to prevent a person from suffering (PLEASE--take this in the spirit I mean it to be taken), you are hindering that person from progressing. Have you ever watched the people in the office that are right there to do extra work to make themselves just about indispensable--looking for a raise or some favoritism? Waiting for their boss to think, what would I do without that person? So sometimes having another person dependent on us isn't all that bad. In our personal lives, it can be disastrous. The wife that wants to take the husband's previous partner on, so-to-speak, is trespassing. If the husband gets used to his wife taking care of his business (even tresspassing to do so), and even going over his head with the children, and even more than willing to 'take on' the relatives--is it any wonder that one day she hears herself saying how he just puts off doing things until time runs out and she has to take care of things? There are guys out there that have become so dependent on their wives, that they have just about stopped thinking. If there was ever a hint of being a leader--it goes away. No wife and no child will benefit from a husband or dad that does not take on leadership in his own life. How often I hear women complain that their husbands don't show them affection--well, what guy wants to make love to his mother. Think about it. It gives me the creeps, and it gives most guys the creeps. You have no idea. There might be a few places (ok, so there are allot of places) in our lives where a mother is great, but when the woman in our life starts to sound like a mother--willing and waiting to take over for us, wanting to think for us, wanting to do what we can do ourselves--well, you gals may not know what I mean--and a lot of guys haven't been able to put it into words, but take it from me--it is no good to play mama with your husbands. Financial problems--mostly the result of not having discipline. A wife wearing the pants wants this and that. Make wife happy and you'll be happy too. Is that the way it goes? So you can't afford to take your kids to the ball game cause you have a high mortage--cause you bought a brand new home and for no money down, and your are paying high insurance rates for that new car--cause you could buy it for no money down. And your kids all have new shoes and you've got nice furniture and you know that you are spending too much on your credit card--but you just don't have the cash. You hope nothing needs to get fixed, and you keep the speed limit--cause a speeding ticket will cause you to go over the edge. Your daughter wants to get married and you have no money saved. You end up going on pills for depression--or spend the food money on a drinking binge, or your mortgage money on gambling, or maybe you'll just go crazy and take it out on the kids and wife, or maybe you'll just give up--period. You would like to blame your mom and dad for not teaching you how to make decisions or have some control over yourself, but you've heard lately that YOU are accountable for your actions. Maybe you can get a wife who will say that all will be well if you will just let her think for you. So the role of being dependent continues in your life. Oh, and did you tell this woman that wants to help you raise your kids (pay some bills and cook and clean for you, etc., etc.) that she will have to continue to work till kingdom come to support your dependent soul? My folks would very often say, "Give to the world the best you have, and the best will come back to you." I try to be the best person that I can be. I don't think about what's going to come back to me. I think my folks would like that I feel that way. Some people can't help it that they are dependent. You have compassion on those people. You accept them even though they can't help themselves much. You love them. But you don't let them mess with your soul. If they are stupid--you just take that into account, but you don't let them lead you, and you don't let them manipulate you. Enough said. Anyway, I've gone on too long. I hope I haven't offended anyone. Cheers

I know my posting doesn't matter to anyone, and that's ok. Just wanted to send you a hug and let you know, along with a lot of others, how sorry I am. I could have almost written your posting several years ago. Everything you wrote pretty much fit my DH. He was only 57 when we lost him. He was a workaholic and always put off going to the Dr., etc. When he was finally forced to go, it was too late. He did go through the Radiation, meds, etc., for almost 2 years before he left us. Please, everyone....please....get your DH, brothers, sons, male friends, etc., to have this Medical checkup. It is not just an old man's disease, like some seem to think, either. It is a curable type of cancer if caught early. Saying prayers for Jasdip and family for comfort and coping....and all who have gone through the beating that Cancer does to us. A couple of Widow/Widower sites help me a lot. They are out there, if you need them. They helped me to accept that it doesn't get better...but does get easier with time. Hugs.

Those that do not know Finneas is BillieEilish brother... He wrote about this song... Finneas: "I wrote this song in June after spending the day at a protest in Downtown LA, filled with hope with the prospect that millions of people were coming together from all over the world to fight against institutionalized racism and inequality. During that time, I’d also been following Amanda Kloots as she documented her husband Nick Cordero’s time in the ICU while in a coma after being admitted for COVID-19. Imagining her sitting by his side, waiting, hopeful for him to wake up, it got me thinking about all the millions of people, all over the world, who also have loved ones, parents, children and extended family members going through the same thing. Fighting this horrific virus. Some will over-come and wake up again, while others, tragically may not. This song is dedicated to all who have had to endure this year. I hope this song can offer some sort of comfort to those who may need it."