When you're hungry but don't want to eat anything
5 years ago
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- 5 years ago
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�Tips for making things work when they don't quite want to?
Comments (13)I used to be of the consistent-not-quarters camp but I found that it really does make a difference when you get away from squares and move onto more complicated blocks that have things like diamonds and several components to the finished block. Like this one for example: There were just too many elements relating to one another to fit them all together without precision. I've also tried cutting slightly large and trimming at each stage, but that got old and, since patterns don't always tell you the dimension of each partial unit, I was always doing a lot of math to do my squaring up. Eleanore Burns is great about furnishing that info. But not too many others I can think of. So I've had to learn, like toolgranny, how to boss them around a bit. ;>...See MoreWhen you DON'T want your child to marry !
Comments (23)Two stories: First, a story of an old friend of mine. She lived with a guy for two years in college and they got along well. They got engaged. He was wrong for her, but she said she loved him. "Mom" immediately began planning the wedding for just after graduation. She took on a second job. The wedding got a life of it's own. "Mom" was going to create the wedding of her dreams for her daughter. She was in charge. The morning of the wedding, her daughter was sick in the bathroom. Came out and said "Mom, I'm sick. Should I cancel the wedding?" Mom jokingly laughed and said "I'll push you down the aisle in a wheelchair". Mom thought it was jitters. Her daughter was telling the truth. Mom had worked so hard for the wedding, daughter went through with it. Guilt wedding number one. Groom lost his wedding ring the week after the wedding. Couple was separated after a month and got a divorce. Second story, my cousin married a guy that was similar to the guy in this story. He was a jerk. She had low self-esteem. "Mom" made the grand push to create a big wedding for her daughter and didn't listen to the signals that something was wrong. Girl got married. Mom-guilt, again. Divorced after a year. To me, the moral of the story for me is, if a girl has a relationship with someone that it's doubtful that it will work out, I'd leave it alone. I wouldn't get excited in either direction. I'd WAIT until SHE starts generating wedding plans. I'd ignore the subject completely. Especially since there isn't an official date nor are specific plans being made. After all, it's HER wedding, right? Then she has to take the helm. I've never understood weddings that get thrown by parents like it's a kid's birthday party. If she's adult enough to marry, she's adult enough to manage the process. Not do all of the work, but be the conductor of her own symphony, so to speak. I feel that mothers are there to support the process, not run it. And if the girl is in charge of it, then she won't lose face if she backs out. All of it gets to be her decision. And if she brings concerns over time, listen. Tell your own truth about what you've learned about marriage, adulthood and life. One thing that I've told all of my grown nieces contemplating marriage is that "this is as good as it gets"...As in..The state of the relationship BEFORE marriage is what it's perfection looks like. Once children and life pressures ensue..Once the couple lets down their guard, they won't try as hard. It's the nature of the beast as marriage isn't one big long date. It's a LIFE. We all can't be "on" for decades. Ergo, if the situation is 'great', then there are things to look forward to and a mellowing. If things are not great, they won't get great with a ring. It's preferable to have this conversation in the abstract and not involving a current boyfriend. Less likely to be taken personally. However, if it's stated like a life law of physics and not like an accusation, it's easier to deal with. I prefer to make statements like that in a neutral fashion without an expectation of a response. Sort of like, take this for what it's worth, but this is what I believe. No big emotion. No fire. Sort of, this is your life and your decision. Like you would with another adult that is not your kid. That allows the person to walk away with it and think about it, as opposed to setting up a situation where someone has to fight to not be wrong. Be yourself. Tell the truth over time. Act like you trust her to make the right choice for herself. She's going to need that if this guy really is wrong for her. She needs to know that she can go to you and talk about it, whatever it looks like. And if at any time, she acts like she wants to balk, but is confused? I'd tell her to spend some time thinking about it, that it's her choice on her timeline. But that it's better to back out before the complications of shared homeownership and children...And that there is no law stating how and when she is to marry. It's her choice. Her life. She's the one that has to live it. More than once my own neutral mother dropped a oneliner piece of truth in my lap that I couldn't have said thank you for at the time, but that I thanked her for later. And when the emotional drama is removed, all that is left is the truth. Just my thoughts on the matter......See MoreI don't want anything to do with my dying deatbeat dad?
Comments (6)My Dad was an abusive alcoholic. Not to put too fine a point on it, it was a tremendous relief when my parents divorced when I was 13 and he left. I had no contact from him after that, not that I was bothered. Then, when I was 16, I had finished school and was spending a year travelling. Since I would be passing through the city in which my Dad and his new wife lived, my mother insisted I should at least visit him for an hour or two between landing on the plane from home and boarding the ship for overseas. I didn't particularly want to but my mother was a hard person to argue with. So, he and his new wife picked me up from the airport and took me to their apartment for afternoon tea. It was awkward. I was too young to really ask the right questions. Like, why did you hit me? That said, he was so locked into lying about everything I doubt I would have got a truthful answer. New wife had some adult children from a previous relationship who were older than me, who apparently would like to have met me but were unavailable. So I had to speak with them on the telephone, again an experience I wasn't all that keen to have. They chastised me for being an ungrateful daughter: according to my Dad he had been sending me birthday and Christmas cards and gifts, money, the whole works, and not once had ungrateful me replied or sent thanks. This was more fantasy on Dad's part: I never received anything and have no reason to think that my scrupulously honest mother would have prevented me receiving anything that had been sent. I disabused them of the fantasy. Eventually our awkward afternoon tea drew to a close and they took me to my ship and I left and never saw him again. When he died some years later I reacted to the news with total indifference- he was out of my system. I think this was due to my mother insisting on our final meeting, I got to see him with more mature eyes and process my feelings about him. So, I think you might consider at least one meeting with your father.Ask him any questions that have always niggled (and there are always niggly questions after the end of any relationship). If you suspect he is being fast and loose with the truth, let him know you're not interested in hearing BS. But I do think you'd benefit from hearing him out, even if you decide afterwards never to see him again. At least then you won't have any "what ifs" that can never be resolved after his death, wondering how things might have gone if......they are the hardest things to deal with after a person dies because then there is no hope of there ever being a resolution....See MoreWhen You Don't Want to Be Invisible or Friends After 50
Comments (138)I had been trying to re-connect with a friend by emailing her and arranging lunch dates. I was always the one to initiate. I kept it up for several months. When we saw each other it was always really nice. When we ran into each other at church there were always big hugs and "we have to do lunch again soon !". The only way that was going to happen was if I initiated. I stopped. For good or bad I don't think that it can be one-sided. I have given this a lot of thought. I have always been a loner and I believe I always will be. I have had one good friend at a time for years and then it would end and I would have another. I seem to be able to manage that and nothing else. I believe that if I really wanted more I would do more to aide the process. DH and I are really close and do a lot of things together and separately. He has no close friend either. But that is nothing new. Looking at it dispassionately it is the way we are. I no longer think there is something wrong with us. Everyone finds their own way of carrying on. My way wouldn't work for someone else and their way wouldn't work for me. When I am on a bike tour for months at a time I do enjoy being with others ...up to a point. All of us on the trips agree that our tent is like a return to the womb :) When I get home I really relish the lack of stimulation from others and go right back into my solitary ways. I have meditated at length on this and on my original thread that spawned this thread. I am what I am and that is all that I am. Peaceful is how I feel ...not lonely or alone. c...See More- 5 years ago
- 5 years agolast modified: 5 years ago
- 5 years agoseagrass_gw Cape Cod thanked sleevendog (5a NY 6aNYC NL CA)
- 5 years agolast modified: 5 years ago
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