Holidays in a difficult time
6 years ago
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- 6 years ago
- 6 years ago
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Are the Holidays a Good Time for Mending Relationships
Comments (27)Hello organic brice, I was sick over the holiday. My husband called his father (his father never calls him) prior to the holiday. He said he didn't hear from his sister (only when she is needy and wants something). I called my mother prior to the holiday. No contact of any kind with the sisters. His aunt sent him an email (about the weather) and a few pics with the grandchildren (nothing else). He received an email from a cousin (sporadic emails) with a few sentences. Nothing else and nothing different--the status quo as usual. My husband doesn't want to rock-the-boat. They all want to pretend--the status quo is easier than to accept personal responsibility. I don't have the energy to cope and deal with any of them. I no longer care to try because they will never take responsibility. I used to try to make attempts, but this backfired and resulted in anger, rage and hostility. I was an easy scapegoat and the target of their rage, malice and misery. I think my husband okay with this (he says it isn't, but he doesn't talk to them about their unacceptable behaviors). He says, they will not change and they are a lost cause, etc. I find it easier and less emotionally stressful to stay away and avoid contact. It takes more than one person to find a solution and by their actions they have clearly demonstrated that they are unwilling to the invest time and energy into improving relationships. The status quo and pretending is their preferred outcome. A few years ago, my husband's step-mother sent him an email letting him know that she had left his father. He told me that at first he thought it was a joke. He called her and found out otherwise. The problem had been brewing for a long time, but he ignored it. She sent a Thanksgiving card addressed to Mr. & Mrs. with an inside note to him and me. I noticed that his father's name wasn't on the card and his name wasn't on the return address. (She sporadically sent cards to my husband for his B-day and Xmas and signed them from his father and her). She never acknowledged me. Then she sent another card for Xmas and it was basically the same, except this time, on the inside note she wrote my name first, instead of his. She'd never done this before (she'd never communicated to me, as it was always to him), so I took notice. I asked him what's up, and then he told me that two months prior she had left his father. I asked why he never said anything to me, and he made some excuse, saying he thought it wasn't important. To make a long story short, I repeatedly asked him throughout the year, if he was going to contact her (they had each other's emails and phone numbers--she would forward him email jokes) and all of her prior communication was to him. He told me there were a few emails, but really nothing to speak of. He'd made comments about her, which I felt were negative. I think he felt he had to choose sides (this is a consistent and very destructive behavior pattern), or else pay the price and as is typical of his behaviors--he didn't want to deal with it. He always told me his parents were the, "Do as I say, don't do as I do types". They make unreasonable demands and do not care who it hurts or the destruction it creates. I had health issues and surgery, so almost a year later I wrote her myself (I did not tell him). I finally had an opportunity to speak my peace, without his interference or control and she responded. She mainly vented her anger and frustration about his family--his father's manipulation and control and his sister's manipulative behaviors. She said that she had always stood up for me (to all his relatives), something that I never knew and was unaware of. She told me that she didn't want anything to do with their hateful, cruel and malicious existence. (This was his father's 3rd wife). If she told my husband about how she stood up for me, it was information which he never shared. I do know that she was upfront with him and direct about his sister's manipulative conduct. This was something that he did tell me about. I wrote again, but she didn't respond. I let her know that if she wanted to see me alone, I would be willing to do that, but if she wanted to visit with my husband that it was between her and him and I didn't want any involvement period. I told her that I don't want to blamed--my husband can take responsibility for his own behaviors and speak for himself. I want absolutely no part in any of it. Since she didn't respond, I left it at that as I've had too much on my plate to deal with. My MIL is deceased. She died two years ago. She didn't want a relationship with me. I've never written completely about her cruelty--someday I will. It probably would be good for me to let it out. I'm glad that you had a nice visit with your SIL and your husband's ex step-mother....See MoreAnyone build a house/ have difficult time w/ builder?
Comments (15)We have been in our home 11 years this Friday. We made the mistake of hiring a friend as our contractor. He was first a plumber, then expanded, got his contractor's license, etc. Did a good job, quality work. But, I should have listened to my dad when he warned us about hiring a friend. We had to fire him about 75% of the way through. He was way over budget and it didn't seem to bother him - after all, it wasn't his money. We were pretty lucky with the sub contractors other than going through two brick masons, then having to hire a third one to come back and do little items like steps, etc. Also a vinyl guy who did he screened porch area. We worked with our builder on the subcontractors. Some where people he had worked with, others we chose. Once we fired our friend (of course that friendship has ended!), we of course had to deal with the subcontractors completely on our own. I did much of that as my husband couldn't devote as much time. It actually wasn't bad and if we ever (although I don't see it happening!) build again, I think we would strongly consider contracting the work out ourselves. At least now I have a pretty good list of who to use! We had little things here and there. Nothing major and I can't think of anything that wasn't taken care of pretty quickly. I cannot imagine dealing with major problems for two years (as someone mentioned)!! That is just completely unacceptable. I must say as tired and worn down as you get through the process, not to mention stressed, those feelings really didn't carry over once we moved into the house. Although a friendship ended, and that was sad, we knew it was for the best and didn't dwell on that. We just recently learned that an acquaintance who was friendly with our builder experienced some of the same problems when he built his house with our former friend. Pretty much cemented the fact that we knew we were not at fault. We are very happy in our home and love where we are. I hope you will soon feel that way about your new home. tina...See MoreHaving a difficult time telling apart earth worms...
Comments (4)From looking in my compost pile there is a noticeable difference between the "earthworms" and the "red" worms. Not easily distinguishable by color, as you might think. From my experience, the "red" worms, when looking carefully, have what look like stripes on them. They don't usually get as big as earthworms. Earthworms are also faster and wiggle like crazy....See MoreCompleted work! Had a difficult time with TV wall, thanks for the hel
Comments (18)The console is very nice, but I also feel that the bottom part would look nicer if the majority of space was filled with books, and that the space is too low to showcase family photos well. It would be nice to remove that basket to the left of the console since it detracts from it. The most important thing, however, is that you like how you've styled everything; it's your home....See More- 6 years ago
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