When you are single and self quarantining

4 years ago

I am currently not working and just went through a break up a few days ago. I live alone with my three cats in a small apartment.

To be honest, I am not doing so well mentally. I am not afraid of the virus but of the lack of interaction and work. Plus the break up hurt pretty badly and still does.

Any advice? I am going to a friend's house tonight to hang out and have some laughs and maybe a cry lol.... so that is something.

Featured Answer

Fun2BHere

4 years ago

Bless you! You are a beautiful and interesting woman who, under normal circumstances, would find a new relationship. The period of mourning for the loss of a relationship is usually lightened by activities with friends and family. I'm glad that you will be able to join a friend in person, but don't forget to connect with friends and family by Facetime or telephone. You will have ups and downs, but you have a community here who will always listen to you and send you good wishes.

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Comments (40)

amykath
Original Author
4 years ago
By the way, I am sorry for the sadness of my post. I know we are all trying to stay positive. I want to do the same. That is why I posted.... bc I know all of you are such wonderful uplifting people!
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satine100
4 years ago
I understand aktillery as I also live alone. Im sorry too about your breakup especially with all the other negative things going on right now. I have been in the house for 8 days now other than a car ride I took out in the country. Im glad you have a friend to visit with but please be careful as Im sure you will. Are you working or is your place of business closed. ?
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deegw
4 years ago
last modified: 4 years ago
I'm so sorry things are rough right now. I hope the following doesn't sound trite, I have people in my family that struggle with depression and when things are really bad telling them to eat right or exercise or whatever can be condescending.

I have a very social friend who lives alone in San Francisco and she is face timing and facebooking and texting friends like crazy.

Instead of fighting or downplaying your feelings, consider setting a timer for a full-blown pity party for 20 minutes.

Hopefully, your weather is decent and you can sit on a porch or stoop for a bit and get some vitamin D.

Right now I am watching the "Too Cute" marathon. It's hours of videos of baby animals with corny narration.

https://www.animalplanet.com/tv-shows/too-cute/

Cyber hugs to you.
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amykath
Original Author
4 years ago
Saltine, I lost my job and have been interviewing. Now, I am not so sure what will become of any job prospects. I can probably get back into healthcare. I was working in an ER. However, I might need a little time to get myself together. It is hard to concentrate on much right now. I am sorry you also live alone. It is not easy. Then again, this isn't easy on anyone for so many reasons.

Fun, thank you for the kinds words!
amykath
Original Author
4 years ago
Thanks Dee... I do have a balcony and I sit outside several times a day. I am in Texas.. ironically it is 50 degrees and raining today. However, we have so much sun and heat that I truly enjoy these kind of days. Oh and trust me, I do allow myself many good cries when I need them!
eld6161
4 years ago
Akt, I am so sorry to hear this. You have always been so forth coming sharing your life with us that it stands to reason that you would come here to let us know.

After all that you have been through, this just seems like a double whammy.

Hugs.

We are all here 24/7 for you.
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amykath
Original Author
4 years ago
Thank you Eld. That means so much! Hugs to you!
robo (z6a)
4 years ago
Aktillery I wish you all the very best going forward. In my opinion we are going to see different ways of living and being over the next 12-18 months. I can see forming pods of loved ones to fulfill our need for connections my aunt lives alone and I worry for her however we’re quarantined for the moment so I FaceTime her a few times a day.
czarinalex
4 years ago
I'm sorry to read your post, but glad that you posted. Remember you have lots and lots of friends here to lean on. Let us know what we can do to help.

Hugs
skibby (zone 4 Vermont)
4 years ago
I don't know if this will be helpful to you but since I'm in a similar boat - although my DH is here but distancing himself from me since he still goes out for essential services, here is my to-do list for today: make a gentle day - music today - no radio; read; food; movies; play piano; enjoy. I ordered three pots of hyancinth bulbs but sadly, they were blighted but are being replaced. Those are the kinds of things that make me happy so I picked the cream of the crop. I like spending a lot of time by myself so it hasn't been a hardship (yet). This is only day 5 for me though. Thinking of you Aktillery and I'm glad you have friends to connect with. Cats are also handy at a time like this. My three agree.
Bunny
4 years ago
Aktillery, I'm sorry about the loss of your job and relationship on top of being quarantined. Living alone has its own set of challenges at the best of times. I hope you are able to get outdoors at some point each day and take a walk. It's one time I feel most normal and alive, seeing the non-human side of nature going about its springtime. While we are physically separated/isolated, please remember that we are indeed all in this together.

Take care and stay in touch.
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happy2b…gw
4 years ago
I am so sorry that you are feeling badly. It is quite understandable. Rather than looking ahead and wondering how much longer the need for distancing will last, try to focus on today. I find that having a plan everyday keeps the blues away. Being busy does not have to involve going out or seeing anyone. I agree with the advice to allow yourself a time to grieve and feel sorry for yourself and put a timer on it. (not literally). Do not let it consume your day and night.

Make a list of your many talents and good points; a list about how to spend your day and follow it. Keep looking for and applying for a new job. I find that when I am alone for awhile that I enjoy having music or TV playing in the background. You are wise to stay in touch with friends. Eat well and exercise. There are tons of exercise shows. tutorials on the web. Try yoga on your balcony. I did not apply any make up the past couple of days. But today I did; I feel so much more normal. And unless you live in an area under a shelter in place mandate, get outside.

You have lots of friends here who will support you.
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DLM2000-GW
4 years ago
akt I have no words of wisdom beyond what's been said. But I echo the virtual hug and that you are a person of value to all of us here. You found out the hard way a while back that you are far stronger than you thought. That inner reserve is still there, just bruised and apprehensive. Rightly so. We're all here - regularly! with this situation so take advantage of that. You may not see us sitting at your kitchen table but in a lot of ways, maybe the most important ways, we are right there. We hear you.
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l pinkmountain
4 years ago
last modified: 4 years ago
So sorry AKT, but also good that you asked for help and reached out here. I was single almost all of my middle age, lived alone from 25 to 50. Went through a few breakups. In almost all cases, it was for the best, inevitable. In many cases, after a while I realized, "No great loss" or "Dodged a bullet there!" But in the short term, painful to be sure. Not wasting time with someone who doesn't work for you frees up the possibility of someone perfect coming along. Not that it is a guarantee, but sometimes just accept that you are better off cutting your losses. You can spend alone time perfecting yourself, lol! But anyway, just have to keep busy and try and keep mind off of it. In the realm of companionship, there are still great friends and lovers to be found out there. Few and far between maybe, but they do exist! In time you will be able to reach out again and find new friends. Always a possibility. My Aunt made new friends when she moved to an assisted living facility at 90!

Edited to add that what I said does not diminish the very real pain of a breakup. I've been there. And I never, ever thought it would get better, even when folks said it would. I cried myself to sleep many a night. So what do I know, other than sometimes if does get better, so just think glass half full, couldn't hurt. And then you get married and you still cry yourself to sleep sometimes. In the end, we need to be our own best friend and maybe even develop a relationship with a higher power.

Along those lines, maybe since you have lost your job, this is a time when you can sit back, evaluate and figure out your next career step. Is there some kind of online training or course that you could take right now to add to your resume? Now is the perfect time to take advantage of something like that. Work on your resume, networking and job hunt skills. Think of it not so much as getting laid off, but taking a sabbatical. We all are in a similar boat right now. Work on organizing a home office to be used as your job search base. Lots of good ideas online.

One last idea. For me, single eating was the PITS. In fact, I joke that I chose and married my husband because he was a good eater. Nothing worse for me than plying my cooking skills and making a nice delicious meal and then sitting down and eating it all by myself. Seemed like such a tragic waste. Two strategies I used to get over that was to have a set of very simple "go to" meals that were no brainers, that I could make for just myself. Soup and sandwich, pbj with cottage cheese and loaded nachos or huevos ranchero or just an omelette were some of my basic "go to's." On the flip side, maybe set aside a day to do some advanced meal prep. and make some fancier things like pasta, home made soup, some type of roasted or stewed dish, a casserole, etc. and then freeze in individual dinner portions that can be heated up. This makes dinner a whole lot easier, when you can just heat something up quick. You can do the same for breakfast by making muffins, waffles, etc. and freezing. The freezer is your friend and even more so during these times.

Check back here often and report your progress, what is working and what is still a challenge. Love you!
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My3dogs ME zone 5A
4 years ago
Oh, 'AK' (as I think of you) , you have had a very tough year or so. Like the others have said, you ARE a person of value, not only to the friends here, but I am certain, to many others who can actually reach out to hug you. I'm glad that you're going to a friend's home tonight to laugh and maybe cry.

When I'm sad or feeling bad, my 3 dogs seem to know it, and they are wonderful cuddlers who make me feel much better. I hope your cats are like that for you.

This is a frightening time in our lives for all of us, and I'm very sorry that you've had 2 losses, which must make it much more difficult for you. We're all think of you and sending a virtual hug. I can send you a great assortment of Lindt truffles that just arrived, if chocolate will help. I buy them and hand them out at the post office, grocery store, you-name-it. Several NEW flavors..... :-) Contact me through Houzz and they'd go out in Monday's mail!
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maddielee
4 years ago
Dang. I’m sorry.
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cawaps
4 years ago
I have already attended a couple virtual happy hours--one for work and one for a professional organization. My not-very-tech-savvy choir director is climbing the learning curve on using Zoom videoconferencing to offer remote music lessons. We had a brief trial "choir rehearsal" on Wednesday. There's too much lag for everyone to try to sing together, but she played and sang with us muted, and we sang along in our living rooms using music that she had distributed previously.

I'm going out on a limb here and trying to organize a Zoom meeting for us, tonight at 6 pm Pacific (that's 9 pm Eastern). Here's the meeting link:

https://zoom.us/j/270711575

Meeting i.d.: 270-711-575

It's set up so everyone joins muted, so don't freak out if people can't hear you. If I remember right, there's a pop-up menu at the bottom of the screen that let's you unmute. There will also be a dial-in option, if everything works right.

I haven't done this before, so I'll keep my fingers crossed that this works.
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OutsidePlaying
4 years ago
AK, losing your job and a breakup at the same time is a double whammy indeed. So not fair! I’m so sorry. If I remember correctly, did you have a sister or family member in the same city? I hope you do have some friends who will support you now, and you do realize already you have us virtual buddies always here.

I hope you live in an area where you feel safe to walk a little each day, maybe listen to some podcasts to get your mind off other things for a while.
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Bestyears
4 years ago
Ohmygoodness, you are really dealing with a lot. I find myself on the verge of tears at times, and haven't lost a job or a significant other. (((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))). My only suggestion is to avail yourself of Facetime or Google Hangouts when you can. I find it's a much more satisfying visit with a friend or family member than a regular phone call is.
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Olychick
4 years ago
I'm sorry to hear you're dealing with extra burdens beyond what some of have. I also live alone, but have for many years and I love it. I do sometimes care for my 10 year old grandson and he'll be here for the weekend. His folks are being careful to keep him unexposed so they don't carry the virus on him to my house and lose their babysitter. No guarantees, of course. One of his parents is in law enforcement so that's a worry, too.

You are one of the favorite people of many of us on this site, so I can only imagine that you are as favored by people in real life. I hope you'll reach out to as many as you can and to us, of course.

I've found the humorous memes to be such a mood booster. People are SO funny, even in the face of adversity.

And remember as per LynnNM:
amykath thanked Olychick
mtnrdredux_gw
4 years ago
AK, sorry to hear your sucky news.

I think mental health will be a challenge for a lot of us. I would write down a a schedule and follow it. Include little things you can "accomplish" each day. That would even be something like making the bed. Order some coloring books from Amazon.. .my family and I just spent more than 2 hours coloring around a table. Other than arguing about who stole whose pencil, we barely spoke. It is a perfect solitary activity; you really get in a zone. Also, get outside once a day. If you can't find a job right a way, can you volunteer in an ER in some role?

Good luck, AK
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jojoco
4 years ago
Aww, AK, I wish things were happier for you right now. You've had a rough year and deserve so much better. You showed us all last year that not only could you stand on your own to feet, but you could do it with dignity and grace. You found joy last year and I am sure you will find it again when all this settles down. In the meantime, take the wonderful suggestions from everyone here and carve out "me time."

(Oh, and is it super shallow of me to mention that you are gorgeous? Seriously!)

Jo
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Feathers11
4 years ago
I think the best thing you've done is recognized this in yourself and reached out for help. My thoughts are with you.
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robo (z6a)
4 years ago
last modified: 4 years ago
I can’t join the zoom meeting but would love to in the future! I’ll keep my eyes peeled. 🍷 cheers!!

Testing for us tomorrow 8am. We’re fine!
amykath thanked robo (z6a)
User
4 years ago
AK, I am so very sorry that you're hurting right now. I don't have much in the way of wise words to share , but just wanted you to know that you are loved and we hold you in our hearts.
amykath thanked User
cmm1964
4 years ago
I’m so sorry atkillery. I have followed you on houzz for a long time and have often though of you over the last few months. Please stay strong and my thoughts are with you during this hard time.
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gardener123
4 years ago
Hope you were able to visit your friend tonight, AK, and you got a little lift. I haven't quite figured this out myself yet so no brilliant advice, but do hang around here for some positive reinforcement!
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bbstx
4 years ago
AK, are you a nurse by any chance? DSD just began her first stint as a traveling nurse and she is loving it!
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3katz4me
4 years ago
last modified: 4 years ago
AK - I’m so glad you came here to let us know how you’re feeling. We are here for you!! Your virtual friends. 👍
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Arapaho-Rd
4 years ago
last modified: 4 years ago
AK, I am so sorry about your breakup. Please continue to share how you're doing with us. The kindness shown here can help anyone through anything. Hang in there, it will get better again.
amykath thanked Arapaho-Rd
1929Spanish-GW
4 years ago
Sending love.

I’m also looking for work and was close a week or so ago. What I’m hearing is that companies are still hiring, but the process and timing is in flux.

I’m leaning in on stupid movies and a little self pity right now. Then I’m going to make a list of things to get done before I start work again. Then I’m going back to my job hunting routine mixed with some hobbies, exercise and mindless internet time.

Indulge in getting your emotions out. Personally that’s one of the things I liked most about living alone. Take walks if the weather is nice. And know that your virtual family is pulling for you!
amykath thanked 1929Spanish-GW
Zalco/bring back Sophie!
4 years ago
last modified: 4 years ago
Amy, I am so sorry for your breakup and job loss. That is terrible timing to coincide with a period of uncertainty and self isolation.

You may want to look into free online classes just for fun. Coursera , et al have some great offerings thta are fun to watch, lend structure to the day and provide a sense of accomplishment. The Yale well being one is getting tons of press these days:

https://www.coursera.org/learn/the-science-of-well-being

There are programming courses from Stanford that are remarkably enjoyable there as well, along with art history and such.

One of my favorite ID, Sheila Bridges, just posted on IG about the challenges of living alone during this time (can't post link from IG.)

You are awesome. You have been through so much lately. The right guy and the right job will appear. Focus on healing and moving forward. The rest will come.
amykath thanked Zalco/bring back Sophie!
Kitchenwitch111
4 years ago
last modified: 4 years ago
Wow a break-up, lost your job, and now a pandemic = worst week ever! I’m so sorry.

I also live alone. I’ve been self-employed and working alone at home for over three years, but this is different – there’s nowhere else to go! My exercise studio is closed and I also have no business going on and one morning last week I realized that I had no reason to get up. Thank goodness I have a dog! I’m sure your cats are happy to have you around.

Yesterday I went for a walk with a girlfriend outside with our dogs. I’m doing online exercise videos and that is helping keep me focused. Several years ago after my husband died my empty house was a good place to learn a musical instrument and I taught myself how to play the ukulele. I haven’t played it in a while and I think I’ll be tuning it up again.

Use this unique time just for yourself!
amykath thanked Kitchenwitch111
nosoccermom
4 years ago
I am so sorry to hear this!

In addition to what others have suggested, could you look into online volunteering? Or revive your amazing knack for decorating, e.g. write a blog or even offer decorating services online? I'd imagine that a lot of people are focusing on their home right now.
amykath thanked nosoccermom
roxanna7
4 years ago
So sorry you are going thru extra sadness right now. Here's one suggestion:

Make a batch of brownies and do a tiny happy dance that you don't have to share them. They will last several days -- or not... I make mine in muffin tins as I love the outside edge best.
amykath thanked roxanna7
amykath
Original Author
4 years ago
Wow, you all are so amazing. II want to thank each and everyone of you who took the time to reply. It means everything and has helped me immensely.

It was so great to get out of the house and see my friend. She has such a wonderful outdoor living space and it was wonderful to be outside and look at her pool and talk and laugh. It is a step up from my little apartment balcony. I also spent the night bc I had a few glasses of wine. It was great to have a change in atmosphere.

I have a to do list for today. It is very small but I did not want to overwhelm myself.

In all honestly, I have been feeling down for many many months. I know it is up to me to help myself to feel better. Most importantly.... through excercise.

Again, I do know know how to express how fantastic each and everyone of you are. I love you guys!!!!!
happy2b…gw
4 years ago
I am glad the visit with your friend went so well. A change of scenery is good for everyone. When you mentioned not feeling up for several months, i thought maybe the winter months, less daylight, and vitamin D could be contributing factors. Try getting out, sitting in the sun, and taking vitamin D. You are a smart gal to be aware of yourself and to take action.
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graywings123
4 years ago
Sending good thoughts your way, Akt.
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dedtired
4 years ago
Hi there, ak. Sounds like you are doing a little better. I’ve lived solo for many years and now I’m not sure I have the skills to live with another person. I’m so sorry about the breakup. Couldn’t have come at a worse time. One day you will look back and wonder why you wasted so much emotional energy on that person. If only it was possible to fast forward to that point! Keep coming back here to chat. It helps, along with exercise and sunshine . You’re young, pretty and have job skills, so you will land on your feet. Believe me, I have BTDT.
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When you are single and self quarantining

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amykath
Original Author