Write your letters here
Ever want to tell someone or a company something, but it seems trivial at the time, or unproductive, or you just do not wanna start a conflict? I do. 3 times today, in fact. Therefore, I shall revert back to elementary school, where a very kind nun told us that a good way to vent frustration without hurting any ones feelings or nagging about something small or dumb is to write a letter to that person, to get the anger out, and see if you feel better. Lets try it. I will start with my 3 letters. Feel free to write yours.
First, the trivial:
Dearest Amazon,Ebay,Google, Etc,
First let me start by thanking you for the wonderful array of products and services that would not likely have been available to me without you. I truly appreciate it. That being said, please allow me to offer some insight into my simple mind. Perhaps you would consider changing some of your methods.
Dearest internet shopping helper, when i type in something specific, like a COLOR for example, it is because i want that item in that color, okay? For example, when i type in "pink whatever," its because i want it in pink. Not turquoise, not red, not black, pink. Now, I understand that tragically, not everything comes in pink, or if it does, it may not be available on your amazing sites. However, if that is the case, just say that. And if there are products that come in that color, show them first. Do not mix in a bunch of stuff that that color is not available in, making me search through tons of listings for something that should have been on the first page, because you wanted me to see that it also comes in blue. I don't want it in blue. Or i would have searched "blue whatever,' in which case i would have been shown some blue whatevers, mixed in with a bunch of whatevers that only come in black and red. I understand that there are other colors out there, that is why i specified "pink."
Thank you for ignoring me. Carry on.
Next, the unproductive,
Dearest people crossing the parking lot in front of cars going into or out of the grocery store,
I am gonna need you to pretend like you give at least one flip about your safety and that of your children,mkay? While it is true that lawfully, you certainly have to right of way and it is technically the responsibility of those in said cars to avoid hitting someone,it might behoove you to realize that distracted driving, especially by young drivers, is an epidemic. It might help if you put your phone down long enough to look to make sure no cars are barreling toward you before you sashay in front of two of them, leaving your small children to follow behind. And you might want to pay attention to see that while you successfully made it across, your toddler is crouching down, in front of a car that should be moving, my car in fact, picking up an unknown object in said parking lot. Lucky for you, i give at least one flip about your safety and that of your children, and pay attention to make sure some entitled idiot that just walks out in front of moving cars (going both ways i might add) is not going to get a hard lesson in common sense.
You're welcome dummy.
Last, the one that might start stupid unnecessary conflict, therefore will be left unsent,
How are you? Doing well i hope. So, I just wanted to check in to make sure you know that when you decide to eat ALL of my ranch dressing, ALL of my mayo, and the entire jar of pickles i brought, putting the empty containers back in the fridge does not mean that you did not eat it all, you swines. Perhaps your parents could not bear to tell you some things, but luckily I do not have that issue. Take a deep breath darlings, this might hit you hard:
Santa and the tooth fairy are not real. That was the doing of your parents. Ill let you take that in before i hit you with the rest.
Are your ready? Okay, darlings, I must also tell you that the condiment/pickle/plate/cutlery fairy is not real either. So just as putting those empty containers back in the fridge does NOT undo the acts that emptied them, it also does NOT call upon some magical creature to come refill them. Someone has to buy them. Since it is none of you that do that I will challenge you to figure out who that is. I bring those things and keep them here so that they are available to me when i want them, as i would never take something that i did not buy. However, as you people seem to drink the stuff, that seems to be a pointless endeavor.
I want you to know that i do not mind if you use a little of my condiments, a plate or a plastic fork here or there perhaps, i bring the plates for ALL of us, but just HOW exactly did you people go through an ENTIRE giant bottle of ranch AND a giant jar of mayo in less than a week? How did 5 people go through 100 paper plates and 50 forks in a week? A WEEK? Are you giving them away? Taking them home? Washing your hands with it? What? And who ate my olives? And WHO opened my peanut butter and took a huge swipe out of it with their finger? In what barn were you raised where if you KNOW you didn't buy something, and it is on MY shelf that is dedicated to MY stuff (as you have, yours is empty i see) its okay to open it, eat it, and put it back like nothing happened? Should i just be grateful that you put it back? Oh, wait, do you put it back to remind me that "we" need mayo and ranch and pickles and olives? How kind. I remember when i got that very kind email AND text on my days off that "we" need some more of the wonderful bath and body works hand soap that i bring because the company supplied stuff smells like a dead rotting skunk. I was at least grateful that i was reminded to bring some for myself. Oh, that's funny, this bottle of hand soap was almost full when i went on my four days off, perhaps there is a leak in it that would account for the diminished contents.
And I know full well i had a FULL BOTTLE of ibuprofen here last month. Have you seen it? It had my name on it. There IS an Ibuprofen bottle with my name on it here, but this one only has 5 pills in it, so there must be some mistake, right?
I am writing this in response to some snide comments i hear about how "everyone knows" that i have forks and plates and my hand soap and other things locked in my own personal locker for my own use. I want you all to know that yes, it is true, and i also wish to hear your opinions on why that is a problem. Whats in yours? Is it something that i might want to use but don't wanna pay for? How dare you! Even if you put out some of whatever it is you bought for everyone to partake in,(as i do because i am not a jerk), how dare you put something you bought back so that you, the selfish brute who paid for it, might have some of it when you get here. You need sensitivity training. Sharing is Caring.
Add yours below. I feel MARVELOUSLY better, and no one got their feelings hurt. Win Win, Thanks Sister Mary Katherine.