thurman, I have never been able to talk to the step kids regarding any issues I may have. There is one main reason, DH does not want me to. DH says he will handle it. I often feel I have no respect, opinions, or rights, in my own home, regarding my own property or my life.

I also feel the step kids would not listen to me because they do not respect my opinion or thoughts on anything, anyways.

I do verbally tell DH what I think when the kids are not present. I know he does not always like my opinions but I feel it is best to get in out in the open. He often is like a bear protecting his cubs. I often remind him what he is acting like and that I am just trying to communicate my concerns to him. It helps sometimes. I often try to have him repeat back what I said and I repeat back what he said to make sure we are understanding each other correctly.

I occasionally will very casually direct a comment or response to the stepkids to try and get my point across. I often hope they get my opinion on certain matters that involve me or that involve DH and myself.

I have never tried a letter. I have the feeling DH may take it the wrong way and the step kids would twist it the wrong way.

Have you and wife ever tried a therapist? We did and worked on the communication thing. We still have trouble with communicating about the step kids, but I still try and use some of the techniques. It may help you and wife like how to talk about SD and come to some type of agreement. Just a suggestion.

This is just my opinion.

Thurman,
Do you have to be at home? Can you take a vacation with your son? If you have to go to work, what about going out with your son every day after you get home. I think I already said something like I wouldn't sit around being miserable.

Your wife is being herself. From what you already told us, she doesn't take you serious and doesn't recognize herself or the step as being unkind--and rude. You giving her examples (again) only prompts her to take the defensive (again). For some reason she has no reason to change the status quo.

Ya, I would write her a letter alright, and have it postmarked from some wonderful vacation place -- "Hope you and poopy what's-her-name are having your usual good time".

One thing that helps me is to think of "my husband's adult children" instead of "my stepchildren." It may sound like simple semantics, but it puts the focus where it needs to be to keep myself from getting too vulnerable emotionally. Again - in my case, I didn't raise these kids and they only lived with us for brief periods as adults. They are my husband's flesh and blood, and he has much, much more invested in them than I do. To them, I am their father's wife - and my 'value' to them is in making their father happy.

Try thinking of it as 'your wife is having her daughter come for a long visit' and treat it as if your SD were one of your wife's oldest and dearest friends. (Not yours, your wife's.) You want your wife to have a lovely visit with her daughter, and you want your SD daughter to feel like a welcome guest in your home.

SD is there to see her mother, and the best way to ingratiate yourself into her heart is to support her relationship with her mother. Give the two of them lots of time to visit and keep yourself busy with other things. That also gives you an easy and ready exit line to "Let you girls catch up."

Sweeby has the right idea. Very well-said.

thurman,
I keep thinking of you and about your SD coming to visit you for xmas!

If i were you I would really not spend a single ounce of energy writing a letter to your SD. Waste of time. It doesn't matter what you say or what you do for you, it will never be enough and SD and Dear wife will always think they know better.

So, make sure you keep busy when SD will be there at xmas! Go shopping even if you hate doing that. Do anything to stay away from her while she's at your home visiting dearest mommy! Be nice and pleasant. That's it, that's all!

I'll be thinking of you.

I agree with Sweeby. My Stepmother wrote letters that only caused additional anger and pain. I strongly suggest you don't write one...Blending families is not easy. I think Sweeby's suggestion is the best.. Step back, smile, be yourself but keep a distance within polite range... and if you feel frustrated start by seeking counseling for yourself. After all, we can't change others, only ourselves and if we find confidence and strength in our own being than others can't touch us.. Best of Luck to you...as your issue is valid, just don't let it eat away at you.. it's not worth it....

I truly believe a letter can be the best form of communication... So many times when speaking people tend to get angry and "out-talk" one another and nothing gets accomplished. Just make sure your anger doesn't spill into your letter... Use I feel sentences instead of accusing. If worded correctly it could help. But be prepared for the worst... Talk with your wife about it first, tell her what and why you want to do this. If you explain that you want to better the communication between yourself and the SD she might actually stand behind you.

"I truly believe a letter can be the best form of communication... "

I also agree that writing a letter can sometimes be the best form of communication. But I wouldn't do it here.

Just my impression, but I think it could easily make you come off sounding either "needy and insecure" or at the other extreme, perhaps "judgemental and critical". The right tone would be very, very tricky to achieve, and the wrong tone - or simply a bias on the part of the reader - could leave you much worse off.

I still think simply playing the gracious host will work best. Nice upside, with very little downside risk.

Thurman,
How ya doin? Thinking of ya. There should be some decent programs going on about this time. Wonder if Apocolypse is showing in your town. I would like to see that penguin one -- Happy Feet or something like that. It's had great reviews. I'll bet your son would enjoy it too.
Cheers

Thanks everyone for the good advice. It really helps to have folks to talk with. Those are all excellent thoughts. The suggestion to try to treat "E" as my wife's relative is a good one and helps psychologically to distance myself from some of the things. Also-- I might try writing a very gentle letter to my wife. She really is a good and honest person; she just has trouble seeing anything wrong that "E" might be doing.

Well, "E" just came home a few moments ago. Pray for me. She'll be here for over 30 days. It seems like an eternity right now, but I'm hoping it goes quick. Still, I've got to find a way to cope because she comes home for a long stretch in the spring and probably for a stretch each year that she's in residency.
Ouch!

Thurman

Thurman, Hang in there. Your not alone. My SS came home yesterday, for one month. I too felt that anxious feeling when he drove up. He gave me a big hug and wished me a Merry Christmas. Wow, what a surprise. Maybe he is growing up and he is maybe starting to realize this is my home too, not just his dads. He brought enough clothes for two months. I am hoping all goes well for Christmas eve day/night and the entire 30 days.