I think it's unproductive (not to mention rather sick) to envision the relationship between father and daughter as in any way akin to a relationship between he and "another woman", or even to think in terms of who is "top" or "bottom" on any totem pole. Those things simply are not comparable. I can understand that an SP ---because of their position as the romantic partner of the parent in question--- may tend to view anything or anyone that interferes or comes between or undermines as just as threatening to their partnership as a competing romantic interest. But to really BUY INTO that idea twists and distorts some of these quite common childhood behavioral, disciplinary and yes, expected jealousy issues (on both sides) into something that they're not, something much more sick and intense. And it's simply not the way either the parent or child in question experiences their relationship UNLESS the parent is sexually abusing their child (and sometimes if the child has been sexually abused by someone else). Sadly, that sometimes happens, but unless there is any evidence to believe that, you can be reasonably assured that natural incest taboos tend to prevent parent and child from having or wanting the sort of parallel "partnership" you may think you perceive. It's simply not a competition of that sort. It may be a competition for time and attention and importance, but it's not of the same kind as a romantic love triangle. I believe that this tendency of adults to impose adult desires on children (and other adults) is the reason why some of these common everyday child-rearing problems become so blown out of proportion, and many times so deeply bitter and even unresolvable, especially in blended families. So I say definitely address the basic discipline, manners and expectations issues fully and firmly. Because that's what they are. SD, like all of us, needs to learn how to get by in the world and that means learning some basic manners and rules. She also likely has adjustment issues and probably has resentment for having to share her time with her father, especially after living through the divorce of her parents. That in no way automatically implies that SD wishes to be her father's "partner" or even that she wishes to be "top" on the totem pole, so don't let a presumption of such an attitude on her part lead to a distorted version of that same attitude on your part. SD is likely acting like she wants to be the "top" or "only" person in her Dad's life as an overcompensation from fear (based on divorce) that she will have NO place in his life. This is expected and common, as is some of the acting out. She needs to have it drilled in her head that she is just AS important in his life as ever, and that she is no LESS nor MORE important than you are. Hence she will get nowhere by thinking in terms of "top"/"bottom", who "stays" or who "goes", and neither will you. Don't let yourself be tempted to view it as a competition with sicker overtones than really exist. SD has her specific needs regarding her father, and you have your specific needs regarding the same man, but they are not the same issues. Thus there need not be any automatically adversarial relationship between you and SD. That is key to understanding how to resolve issues in any family, especially blended families. As long as any one person perceives a directly adversarial relationship, it will always imply that a "win" for one is a "loss" for another, and that there is a "top" and a "bottom". That means that there will never be a time when all parties are happy; hence there will always be conflict. When you realize that there's no inherent adversarial relationship and that everyone's needs can be met because they're *different* needs, it eliminates conflict. Just keep reminding yourself and SD are NOT fighting for the exact same things. Her behavior is only a direct threat to you if you perceive and allow it to be.

Hello I'm sorry if I have offended some people with my comments. I don't think I explained my situation very well and, as we are all prone to doing when we are feeling down, I focused too much on the negative in my posts. I hope that in not having put my best foot forward I haven't messed up my chances of being able to use the forum to offer and receive support in the future. I certainly didn't want to upset anyone. Hoping to clear up a few issues of doubt (my fault for not making it clearer): 1. I have no problem at all with my partner calling his kids once a day. Twice a day. Whenever he needs to. I should have made it clear that my gripe was with my partner usually calling his ex-wife when his kids aren't even there. This is his right, as their father, to ask about their well-being, but I happen to know that the conversations are rarely limited to his kids. I simply ask him not to hide these calls from me because it creates suspicion where there doesn't need to be any. when he calls her in fron tof me i leave the room. i respect his privacy. But there is no place for hiding stuff in a partnership. he does not HAVE to hide calls to his kids from me in any way shape or form. I'm sorry if my post gave that impression. 2. With regard to the financial situation. My ex gives me as much as he can, which is enough for us to get by on if I work. I have to work to raise my kids. I have always worked. I'm not looking for a free lunch from anyone. My problem with my partner is that his ex has refused to look for work for two years now. We have been struggling because the money he has left after giving 70% of his salary (his choice, not court imposed) to his ex does not cover what we spend and we do NOT live a life of luxury. I appreciate that he has to pay for his kids and compensate his ex for her loss of income due to their divorce. But it's tough when you are both working so hard to make ends meet (actually not BOTH...three of us..because my ex also works hard) and your partner's ex can run up three hundred dollar phone bills in a month calling her latest guy...and you know you will end up footing the bill. This has happened. Things LIKE this happen too much. 3. His kids visiting. I will admit that I did not have a very clear concept of what this would be like for my kids. There are a lot more issues here than I went into in my posts. One of my children has Aspergers and we try to keep to a fairly a tight routine for him. This is not respected when his kids come. My kids are supposed to be in bed by nine but often, he is still here with his kids at this time and I end up having to virtually ask him to leave, which is really ugly. But when you are trying to hold lifer together as a working mom with four kids, things like getting them to bed on time are really important. Having two kids running around at this time makes things stressful when they don't need to be. Rules are not respected sometimes because tends to be soft on his kids. I understand this, when he has limited time with them adn doesn't want to be the bad guy. but it means that my kids get very confused about what is right and wrong. I take a back step and allow him to discipline his own kids but it's hard for mine to understand that there is one rule for them and one rule for my partner's kids. he feels his kids should have complete run of the house when they come. i say there are boundaries that should be respected, which are ONLY the same boundaries that I impose on my own kids, such as them not being allowed to take food without asking, such as the younger kids not being allowed into their older sister's bedroom without permission. To him, this is me not making them feel at home. 4. Vacations. I appreciate that my attitude seems selfish. OK, I admit that it is. I have tried to suggest us going on separate vacations. Last year we did that. We went away with his kids for six days to the beach while mine were with their dad at the beach. Then, when I wanted usto go away with my kids to the beach later in the Summer, he insisted we take his kids too because by taking mine away with us to stay with my friends who had invited us to their rented beach house for a week, my kids were then getting more days at the beach than kis because they had already had six days at the beach with their Dad. Things like that leave you with a bad taste in your mouth because everything gets painted like a competition. my kids are always painted as the lucky ones. I can't take them on a day trip without him insisting we do the same with his kids the following week. He is NOT expected to pay for these trips, by the way. I have familyin England. My whole family. I take my kids there once a year. I can't afford to take them all. I usually have to take one at a time for financial reasons but it is important for them to see their grandparents. What we keep on getting is that it's HIS kids' turn next. I find this really hard. I pay for these trips. Actually, the last few years my family have helped me out and paid for these trips. I would find it so hard to justify to my kids that I would take his kids to stay with THEIR grandparents, leaving them behind. OK, so his kids miss out on a plane trip. But they have all four grandparents down the street. We all have blessings and crosses to bear. They're not always the same. And yes, I am sadly doing my children a disservice a lot of the time because I am trying so hard to make this work and to make him happy and make his kids happy. I think maybe that is why I feel so resentful at times. And I'm glad that some of you have pointed that out to me. xx

Sounds to me like you have a handle on the situation as it is now. I personally would never have tried to discipline my steps, not my job.

Hi mom-of-all-trades, thank you for the well wishes regarding my husband. A few things however I believe you misunderstood about my position in all of this. He is free and clear to spend as much time with them as he wants to, they are the ones who cut contact with us when he told them to stop lying all the time and stealing from us. They blocked us on facebook and the youngest has moved away and never let us know her contact info. The oldest refuses to tell us when asked. Husband has already extended the olive branch as it were twice without success. The ball is in their court... The youngest never really wanted anything to do with her half siblings and is so far gone in her relationship with her father that he doubts she will ever make contact again. (long story). The oldest still lives with her mother and her mother decided that she doesn't like me because I helped my husband not be a doormat to her and the demands for money that she would have just pissed away for herself (he wasn't required to pay child support and they are both over 18) and guilt she still tried to lay upon him regarding his older children. His oldest seems to have learned how to behave from her mother regarding the stealing, lying and manipulating. I didn't really have a problem with her spending time with my daughter until I started noticing things missing from my house. She even stole a pair of my husband's shoes. New ones that he just bought. Stealing not just from him, but from me as well. When confronted about it, lying and acting outraged at even being accused even though some of the stuff later appeared in her house. This is not the type of person either me or my husband want in our house regardless if she is his daughter. If she ever realizes that she needs to clean up her act and be honest and not steal, then she will be welcome again. And she has been told this. She isn't only hurting us, she is hurting her half-siblings with every item she takes that we have to replace. I have made it clear that I value honesty highly and at this point it is too hard for her to accept. We will see what happens in the future but like I said, I have a strong gut feeling that it will not. Regards NadineV PS, there is a lot more information about what led to this situation in my two previous posts if anyone is interested.