NP. Didn't realize I transposed. My fault. I'm not saying OP is like my SM. But I want OP to have the perspective of a SKID rather than another stepmother. Some adult SKIDS don't know when to get out of their parents business and are really brutal to their SM/SF. It's my opinion that the OP and DH are perfectly within their rights to marry and have kids - but the DH's kids have the right to not like the SM. BUT... the DH needs to set boundaries for his wife so that she is treated with respect as being dad's choice of partner. That's what my dad DIDN'T do. He made it clear he was wishy-washy, I never expected them to marry as he *just wasn't that in to her*, and she was really not nice... So, being in my early 20's I stood up for, and protected, my dad. Which was not my place. But kids will do that before they realize better :) And my dad did play both sides but it took me years to figure that out. HA! Two years ago he was visiting with out her and he said all this stuff about her... blah blah blah... and I kept quiet. Finally he stopped. And indicated he wanted a response from me. And I said... do you want my opinion? Or are you just venting? Because I could see the difference. And it IS inappropriate for him to talk to me about her. But welcome to my relationship with my father, lol. Not much OP can do though. Sounds like Skids are pretty set in their opinion of her. So my advice is not to let your child be in any situation where people/family would be venomous but do make every effort to have him know his siblings. If SD's won't let you stay in their home, you and DH should stay somewhere else. I really dislike my SM (but she has been incredibly mean and vindictive and selfish) and I still allow her to stay in my home, make her feel welcome and do my best to treat her as a guest when she visits. So either you've been REALLY HORRIBLE or your SKIDS aren't grown up enough to bite their tongues and take one for Dad's team. So. #1 priority is keeping your son safe and in a good environment. #2 priority is your relationship with your DH and #3 priority is doing your best :) to encourage a good relationship between DH and DS and the rest of the family. Not much you can do to change their minds but to live your life and try not to hold a grudge. I hope they come around. It would be a shame for your son to miss out on knowing his siblings and nieces and nephews.

Hello I'm sorry if I have offended some people with my comments. I don't think I explained my situation very well and, as we are all prone to doing when we are feeling down, I focused too much on the negative in my posts. I hope that in not having put my best foot forward I haven't messed up my chances of being able to use the forum to offer and receive support in the future. I certainly didn't want to upset anyone. Hoping to clear up a few issues of doubt (my fault for not making it clearer): 1. I have no problem at all with my partner calling his kids once a day. Twice a day. Whenever he needs to. I should have made it clear that my gripe was with my partner usually calling his ex-wife when his kids aren't even there. This is his right, as their father, to ask about their well-being, but I happen to know that the conversations are rarely limited to his kids. I simply ask him not to hide these calls from me because it creates suspicion where there doesn't need to be any. when he calls her in fron tof me i leave the room. i respect his privacy. But there is no place for hiding stuff in a partnership. he does not HAVE to hide calls to his kids from me in any way shape or form. I'm sorry if my post gave that impression. 2. With regard to the financial situation. My ex gives me as much as he can, which is enough for us to get by on if I work. I have to work to raise my kids. I have always worked. I'm not looking for a free lunch from anyone. My problem with my partner is that his ex has refused to look for work for two years now. We have been struggling because the money he has left after giving 70% of his salary (his choice, not court imposed) to his ex does not cover what we spend and we do NOT live a life of luxury. I appreciate that he has to pay for his kids and compensate his ex for her loss of income due to their divorce. But it's tough when you are both working so hard to make ends meet (actually not BOTH...three of us..because my ex also works hard) and your partner's ex can run up three hundred dollar phone bills in a month calling her latest guy...and you know you will end up footing the bill. This has happened. Things LIKE this happen too much. 3. His kids visiting. I will admit that I did not have a very clear concept of what this would be like for my kids. There are a lot more issues here than I went into in my posts. One of my children has Aspergers and we try to keep to a fairly a tight routine for him. This is not respected when his kids come. My kids are supposed to be in bed by nine but often, he is still here with his kids at this time and I end up having to virtually ask him to leave, which is really ugly. But when you are trying to hold lifer together as a working mom with four kids, things like getting them to bed on time are really important. Having two kids running around at this time makes things stressful when they don't need to be. Rules are not respected sometimes because tends to be soft on his kids. I understand this, when he has limited time with them adn doesn't want to be the bad guy. but it means that my kids get very confused about what is right and wrong. I take a back step and allow him to discipline his own kids but it's hard for mine to understand that there is one rule for them and one rule for my partner's kids. he feels his kids should have complete run of the house when they come. i say there are boundaries that should be respected, which are ONLY the same boundaries that I impose on my own kids, such as them not being allowed to take food without asking, such as the younger kids not being allowed into their older sister's bedroom without permission. To him, this is me not making them feel at home. 4. Vacations. I appreciate that my attitude seems selfish. OK, I admit that it is. I have tried to suggest us going on separate vacations. Last year we did that. We went away with his kids for six days to the beach while mine were with their dad at the beach. Then, when I wanted usto go away with my kids to the beach later in the Summer, he insisted we take his kids too because by taking mine away with us to stay with my friends who had invited us to their rented beach house for a week, my kids were then getting more days at the beach than kis because they had already had six days at the beach with their Dad. Things like that leave you with a bad taste in your mouth because everything gets painted like a competition. my kids are always painted as the lucky ones. I can't take them on a day trip without him insisting we do the same with his kids the following week. He is NOT expected to pay for these trips, by the way. I have familyin England. My whole family. I take my kids there once a year. I can't afford to take them all. I usually have to take one at a time for financial reasons but it is important for them to see their grandparents. What we keep on getting is that it's HIS kids' turn next. I find this really hard. I pay for these trips. Actually, the last few years my family have helped me out and paid for these trips. I would find it so hard to justify to my kids that I would take his kids to stay with THEIR grandparents, leaving them behind. OK, so his kids miss out on a plane trip. But they have all four grandparents down the street. We all have blessings and crosses to bear. They're not always the same. And yes, I am sadly doing my children a disservice a lot of the time because I am trying so hard to make this work and to make him happy and make his kids happy. I think maybe that is why I feel so resentful at times. And I'm glad that some of you have pointed that out to me. xx

Hi Vesters. So many things you wrote struck a chord with me as we experienced the same issues with my SD, who is now 14. We've had custody of her since she was 5, after gaining emergency and then full custody though a very nasty battle. After DH and his ex divorced SM moved SD hours away. SD began sleeping in her bed, showering with her, being completely dependent on her mom. BM thrived on this - it made her feel needed and important. SD couldn't (or wouldn't) do or try anything on her own. SD became BM's 'bff' and confidant - all at the mature age of 3. This continued until BM found a boyfriend, and then SD was kicked into her own bed in her own room on a different floor and told to go to sleep. Once that relationship ended SD was needed again and back in BM's bed, all the while hearing about BM's relationship woes. Fast forward a few years. We have custody, SD sees her mom EOW. She's still trying to have SD sleep with her (between boyfriends) and be dependent on her. The 'bff' behavior is worsening and we're hearing all about BM's love life from SD. SD is getting stomach aches right before visitations and worrying about how to take care of her mom. All so appropriate for a mother/daughter relationship. And then there was. . . "BM also used to say things to SD (right after I came on the scene) like, "I'd never let a man come between us" and "You're the only one I need" which sounds innocent enough, but it was very much meant as a "look at your father, moving on with his life, I'll never let that happen to us." I could have written that. BM is always saying this. . . in between the men in her life. But what SD figured out about 2 years ago is that her mom is full of sh@t. She started to see all these behaviors factored around her mom and what her mom needed on her mom's schedule. She was blinded by the 'my mom needs me' and 'my mom loves me best' until then, but with the help of her counselor and a little maturity she started to figure it out. I won't say she doesn't fall back into buying her mom's crud every now and again, but for the main part she can she the behavior for who it is really about - mom, not SD. I tell you all this so you know you are not alone, and also to give you hope. Your SD needs help, and she needs her dad to help her receive it, but she can recover from this. I will tell you one thing SD's counselor shared with us that was helpful for SD and for our tongues as we weren't biting them so hard. When you say "I'm always a little uncomfortable when she talks so openly about her BM with me (because I know the "real deal"), yet I'm always very careful to make sure I speak loving and positively about her ." you need to stop. This doesn't mean speak negatively, but you don't have to put a good spin on bad actions. Don't try to make mom's bad action ok. Don't make excuses for her. Listen to SD, let her know you understand why she would be upset, help her with generalized, non leading questions discover why she's upset, but don't then tell her it's all ok and mommy knows best. Later, when she figures out mommy doesn't, you will be seen as a liar. It's ok to say sometimes mommy's get confused, or mommy's make mistakes. This is likely better pronounced by DH at first, but you need to know that you don't have to be positive. Just don't be negative, if you get what I mean. :-) Good luck. Keep us updated, and keep your chin up. You are doing the right thing.

--"My boyfriend tells me to leave it alone and not to talk to her about it and she will come around. That just seems wrong to me. I am so very hurt.I know he is afraid of losing his daughter but I feel he should stand up to her."-- Fourteen can be a difficult age for young teens. Not just in this situation. Sometimes it's like you glance over and and think 'where did THIS kid come from'? I think if the child was in a different lifestyle than my own is had the ability to threatened the old 'Im going to go live with ______ IF', it's be even harder. I'm a longtime married mother and my little one can't move out. She's stuck with me and Dad. I've noticed changes. Some have been small and slowly have taken and others have come quickly. Yep, she has even tried the silent treatment as imtimadation tactic. Tried the disrespect thing too, but that one only proved to make Dad/I stand our ground firmer. Disrespect is not tolerated, but she can ignore me and pout in her room all she pleases. In your case it rather sounds like your little one is very use to 'running' her home to suit herself. She's comfortable and you're threatening to rock her world by suggesting to marry Dad and move in. She likes things like they are. I'm going to assume that the other two children re not acting out over a possible marriage. I'll go on to assume it's something to do with the fact they don't view you as a threat to their younger lifestyles. I'm not too sure you should be taking it so personally. It's not you she dislikes. It's not YOU she's objecting to. It's her father marrying and moving in a wife. Fact is sounds like she has always liked you as a person and a positive person in her life. She just does not want to chance upsets and changes. Does not want a stepmother? LOL. You're a great person, she trusts you and shares her feelings and thoughts with you...oh, until you might get the title 'stepmom' and move in 24/7. I do admire the way Mykroopy and his lady handle their relationship. He has comitted to his lady, yet they both are mature enough and self confident to realize 'together' in one house is just not the way for them in their situation to go quite yet. It works for them. So what reasons is this daughter giving her father for her current stand? Surely the daughter is stating some reason, even perhaps a childish/self-centered one in an adults view, as to 'why'. Is there anything upsetting and/or distasteful to her that perhaps she sees her mother going through that is forming her opinion as to what life with you in the home could mean if it occured? I mean, by this, is Mom remarried, perhaps unhappy, have a poorly picked new partner or something along these lines that could be influencing her opinions? Perhaps one of her friends is unhappy in a stepfamily and/or is experiencing major adjustments? Any of these things could perhaps make her fearful for what changes may be ahead for her herself if Dad and you married and you moved in. Just some things to consider. It seems strange to go from being so close to you to rebelling at the thought of you being stepmom.