One thing you did not clarify was whether or not your husband did indeed leave his marriage for you. If he did (no not the penniless part blah blah) but just the fact alone basically means to these daughters that you are TOW, then, now and forever more. No matter how hard you try, no matter how civil you may be. No, not judging you, just stating that to these daughters and their mother you have committed the unforgivable 'sin'...stole their father/husband. Does not matter if entirely true or not. It is what it is in their minds.

Does not matter to them that the marriage may have been 'over' for years prior to the parting. Does not matter that you may be the most loving caring lady around that makes their father happy and that he's moved on into another stage in his life.

I think the most you can hope for is everyone being civil and getting along at the times you must for husband/father's sake. The guy obviously still loves his daughters as well as his new wife and son. So you are not welcome in the one daughter's home. That does not mean that perhaps you can not travel with son and husband and stay in hotel (the three of you). Do some activities together and lounge around the pool while husband does a few 'family' things with his son and daughter's and their crew. They can't ban you from their city. They obviously would like a relationship with your son. Does he know them and enjoy their company? Father can remind daughters to watch their P's & Q's while in son's vincinity. These are grown adult woman, if they can't control themselves in son's presence than I would object.

The daughters do come to your home (I assume they are civil in it). It's right that you give them and their father some alone time, but right that you expect to join in on family dinners. Your son would be confused to see you left out unless you were away and busy doing something else.

If and/or when the daughters and father 'fight' in emails ect...stay out of it. It's between them. Getting in the middle will win you no brownie points. Husband does not need to repeat anything and everything that is discussed afterward with you either. Will just habor and build resentment and more tension between everyone.

Hi Kin,
I'm speaking from the POV of an adult SK. Please let me make sure I have this right.

1995: your DH left his wife. Kids were 22 and 24
2004: Divorce final
2004: You married DH
2005: Your DS was born
2011: DS is 6, SKIDS are 38 and 40, BM is 70?!, you are 40-ish?

Why, may I ask, did you consider marrying and having a child with a man who will (probably) not be around to see his child graduate high school/college/marry, etc?

Honestly. If this were my dad...

Well. My dad married a woman younger than him. When I got pregnant she insisted on trying as well. And my dad was nearly 60. I was disgusted. While our relationship has become more friendly I still do not go to their house for any other reason than to see my dad. Bad taste in women notwithstanding, he's still my dad. And I will be respectful as I can to his wife. But I don't like her and don't particularly want a relationship with her.

I'm sorry for you. This must be really hard. But I don't understand how you got yourself in this situation without seeing the writing on the wall. I assume he was married to this woman for 25-30 years + the 8 it took to get divorced. That's a lifetime. That's nearly YOUR lifetime!!!

Don't send them cards from their father or your son. Let their dad do that. And your SD's comments about "trying" are spot on. I lost my dad for way too many years because he chose his wife over me. The only way it works is if I kiss her butt. It's awful. But I do it because I love my dad. Although at this point it's getting tiring and I'm pretty much over it.

I think if the dad truly left his wife for you, then it was really wrong and that's probably why they dislike you. I am not sure how it could be fixed.

But if there is merely big age difference how is it anyone's business? Even if we think it is ridiculous, I don't think it is our place as children to make these judgments. Our parents' personal lives are theirs, not ours.

It is the same for intact families. I might think that some decisions my parents make might not the best, it is not my place to judge.

I think some adults children are too attached to their parents up to ridiculous in a very unhealthy manner. I am close to my parents and am very involved with them, but their personal life decisions are theirs(if they would have limited mental capacity and someone took advantage of them it is a different story), not my business. They don't tell me who to be with, why should i tell them?

Also if a woman never had children, I would not blame her for having children even if her husband is older, who cares. Unless she took advantage of him due to his limited mental capacity, I don't see how it is anyone's business if he is 50, 60, 70?

I assume he is a capable adult willingly participating in baby making activities, and does not need adult children's blessings or protection. If he mistreats his children or allows his wife to mistreat them, it reflects very poorly on him but if he likes younger woman, where is the problem here? What adult kids have to do with it?

But unless you were TOW what is wrong in wanting romance again and marrying again? Are they jealous, have unhealthy attachments "daddy issues", want all attention on them, never really grew up and "left the house", want dad's money and are afraid money will go to you? You can't fix any of it though, if that's how they are...

My dad married SM #2 when she was 21 and my oldest sister was 21. They are only 1 month apart. I was 11 and loved her fun, spunky, party attitude although, now I look back and cringe to think of my DD doing any of the things SM2 allowed or encouraged. My sister was very upset and there seemed to be a competition between the two. They had babies one month apart and it was hard on my sister because our dad wasn't around for us and then was starting family #3 (he has two sons from SM1) while my sister was starting her family. I never felt the way towards her that my sister felt because I was too young -- my mom also didn't seem to care as she married again and was over my dad at the time. But I think I might have felt that way when I was older.
Dad is remarried to someone his own age this timeand she is OK. I have an OK relationship. I have never disrespected her or had a fight with her. I get annoyed because everything from Dad is actually from her. He still does nothing to show he loves or cares about me but his wife does... I get annoyed at HIM bc he let's his wife have the relationship with us. I wish she would just back off and make him do it but then nothing would get sent...

I think the age thing could be a problem for the women. Also if they feel like you were the 'other woman' then they will never accept you. It won't change. My dad cheated on my mom after 13 yrs and 3 kids and got his girlfriend pg. They married as soon as they could after the divorce was final. It wasn't hard to figure out that my parents divorced when I was 3 but my half brother is less then 2 yrs younger than me.... That stepmom never accepted us so that's an entirely different story though ...

I feel your pain but I'm guessing you will never win these adult children over especially if you and DH have a 6 yr old. Time has passed, wounds should have healed and it seems they have not. Unfortunatley adult children are not immune to parental alienation.

I think if someone is just not a good parent then it really does not matter who they marry, how young are their new wives and how many times they marry and how many kids they have, lousy parent is just that. Plenty of people from intact families have lousy parents, not only divorced. It might be easier to blame divorce or new wife or old wife, but in reality good parent will always be a good parent no matter if they stayed married, got divorced, remarried and had new kids or not.

It seems that in OP's case he is not a bad father, it does not sound like mistreats his children or was absent from their lives?

You are right PO1. But it does sound like Mom has successfully alienated her adult children from their dad's wife. She isn't a 'new' wife either. They are on the downhill side to 10 yrs of marriage. I think after all these yrs if the relationship between SM and the adult children is tense and one daughter is NOT going to budge, what can she do? Except be a good wife to her husband and just allow him a relationship individually with his children. I don't think dad and half brother should go off and visit the others without wife/mom. If she isn't welcome, neither are they. And honestly to OP, if they have that much resentment -/ how can they foster a relationship with your son? And will it be healthy? The age difference in your son and these adult daughter's is so huge, they aren't going to 'grow up' together and lean on each other as siblings when they are older. More like he would be cousins with their children.

I don't think there's anything wrong with dad leaving mom for another woman. If we're not supposed to be involved in our parent's relationships at all, why should it matter what he does? That's their business... and often if someone is cheating the other person knows about it anyway.

I do think that if someone is marrying a man or a woman who has children their same age there will be foreseeable issues, even if there are no second-family children.

And, no offense OP, but I have never met a woman who is interested in a man 30 years her senior unless there was money involved. Yes, they did have love for their older mates, but if the older spouse was not well off there wouldn't be a chance in double toothpicks someone would want to take on a partner that much older than themselves.

Call me cynical.

And PO1, sometimes parents involve their children in their lives way more than they should. My dad has told me things that no parent should share with their daughter. You see, the problem with sharing marital issues with a parent or with a child is that the other person will have a much harder time forgiving.

If you tell your parents your husband is an a$$ and won't take out the garbage chances are they will not forget about that even long after you have. It's the same with kids. We are protective too. And when my dad told me my SM was just living off of him, not working even though she was capable and had a job... didn't cook or clean or do anything while she was home... was picking fights that kept him up until all hours of the night... that he wasn't sexually attracted to her...ETC... it's kind of hard to forget these things. Especially when she's a raging b-word to me.

I finally got old enough to take a step away. He STILL tells me things I'd rather not hear, but now I just laugh. He made his bed and now he's sleeping with lumps.

So OP, I really don't know what to tell you. Chances are they will never let you in. But I wouldn't let my child stay with someone who is hostile to me.

You are right myfampg, she is not a new wife.

I don't know if BM alienated them or they themselves just never grew up and still want to be "daddy's little girls", could be a combination of both.

With such huge age difference you are right, it is hard to have much closeness. But one can still have a relationship. DD is much older than her siblings and she sees them often and loves them. It is a shame OP's SDs don't want to have that relationship. But then again my DD grew up, does nto act liek demanding child and does not see herself as "daddy's little girl'. She does not interfer in dad's or mine personal lives or pass judgements on our decisions.

I do think it is OK for dad to visit his daughters without his wife, not a big deal. In fact if they are nasty, it is even better if she stays home. At the same time if they are nasty to a little boy, then i coudl see how she is afraid to let him visit.

If my DD was a nasty person, maybe her SM would not want kids around her and I wouldn't blame her. But isn't it ashame? I would be embarassed that we raised her so poorly. Sometimes I complain about my DD, but reading this nonsense it makes me appreciate that she is well-adjusted ADULT and does nto engage into drama how of a woman stole her daddy away. Why don't some people grow up and get a life?

"And when my dad told me my SM was just living off of him, not working even though she was capable and had a job... didn't cook or clean or do anything while she was home... was picking fights that kept him up until all hours of the night... that he wasn't sexually attracted to her...ETC... it's kind of hard to forget these things."

If that's how he speaks of her to you, then that's how he speaks of you to her. 100% guarantee, he does that (minus sexual attraction part). I think you misplace your anger. I don't think you should be upset with her over these things, it is just too personal and is entirelly their own business, plus he might exagerrate or make it up in anger. You should be upset with HIM. He showed no respect for you. Is he trying to bond with his children by saying nasty crap about his partner, then he bonds with his wife saying crap about you. Maybe that's why she is not nice to you, he said things about you. You don't like her, he said things about her. He stirs the pot.

The fact that he mentioned all these things reflects poorly on him, not on her. If somebody speaks like this about people they've been together for a long time, I would nto trust a word they say.

ha.

Well, I suppose the difference is that my dad and I have been very close my whole life, not really a parent/child relationship at all, more like a partnership where I had full vote... and his wife is jealous of that. Since he tells his sisters the same things, and his wife ADMITS and is even proud of those things...

Well. It's not their business if they make it EVERYONE's business, now is it?

It's not black and white. My dad has issues, for sure. But he's not trying to stir the pot- he's trying to pacify both sides when he's the one who never set boundaries in the first place.

My stepmother is not nice to anyone. Not just me. And her venom is obvious even to people meeting her for the first time. She's a gold digging byzotch.

But you're right. My dad has not made it easier on either one of us. I think that there is something to be said for that. Fathers don't want to alienate their children so they protect them even if they are being ill mannered (like your stepchildren) and they don't want to alienate their spouses either. It's a lose-lose situation.

And to be frank, you have no right to say that my anger is misplaced and that I shouldn't be upset with her. First of all, I'm not angry with her. I think she's pitiful. Second, she has been a perfectly horrible person and continues to be but I haven't been upset with her for years... at least seven. I'm disappointed with my father but I've grown and have my own issues... not so concerned with them.

I wiped my hands of it a while ago. I just see similarities between OP and my father.

I think if SM is nasty then it is understandable kids don't like her, however in too many cases adult children refuse to grow up no matter who is SM.

I think this story is not similar to yours in a sense that OP never mentioned what she did wrong, we only know what SKs do wrong and that's what we go by. We can't assume she is nasty gold digger just because your SM is.

As about age, she never said their age. He could be 60 (SD is 40), and she could be in late 40s with 6-year-old or even early 50s. My colleagues, married couple, just had a baby and they are in their mid 40s and their older son is in early 20s. So if intact family has babies late in life it is celebrated, but remarried people should be looked down at.

So we don't know if they are 30 years apart and even if they are, who cares. their life.

In my opinion, it really doesn't matter at this point if OP was TOW. They split in 1995 when the kids were adults. They left the separation/divorce in limbo for 8 years? It sounds as if there were maybe some practical reasons like the mom staying on his health insurance? Or maybe fights over retirement, property, etc? After a 24+ year marriage, I am not surprised at taking a long time to iron out details & I can also understand the anger/bitterness. When you get together with someone in your youthful years, spend your life with them through thick & thin, grow older... looks faded, maybe gain weight, etc. and expect to be together in your golden years... and he up & leaves you to marry someone the age of your daughter? I get why she would be angry/bitter. It also sounds as if he divorced her so he could marry you, which could have had detrimental implications for their mom. As a daughter, I can relate to that. Their parents were married for 24+ years. I also understand her wearing her ring after that many years. She's in her 70's & she probably spent nearly half her life with him. If she does not want to start over again or if she does not want people to question her marital status & have to explain her husband left her, whether it was to be with a younger woman or just that he's with a woman as young as her daughter now... that may be something she does not wish to explain. I'm sure she has her own reason, even if it's hanging on. Unless she is doing things to attempt to get him to go back to her, I don't think it's a big deal. Unfortunately, he probably won't live to leave you after 24 years of marriage... I'm assuming if she is in her 70's, so is he. Also, how is that going to affect your son? Will there be embarrassment for him to have a dad older than some of the other kids' grandparents? My dad has a great grandson in kindergarten. I can't imagine him having a child that age, but I guess that happens. You just have to live with the consequences of your choices.

My opinion is that you have your child with him, that is your family. His daughters is HIS family & given the circumstances, the two should be kept separate. The kids were adults when you entered the picture. They are perfectly old enough to form their own opinion & to place it all on the mom that she poisoned them or alienated them? I'm 41 and I don't take cues from my parents on whether I should like someone or not. They have their opinion & I may agree or disagree. If I happen to agree, it's still MY opinion. If the daughters have visited you in your home, without her mom there to tell her what to think, then she has an opportunity to form an independent opinion of you.

While I hear OP saying she is worried her stepgrandchildren may say things to her son about her, she is calling their mother a spoiled rich B!tch. What is that? That leads me to believe the OP has given them reason to dislike her. My dad is 65 and It would creep me out if he married (or even dated) someone my age. I also don't see why it's a big deal if they live across the country.

It's really up to dad to handle his relationship with his kids. When they visit in his house, they should be expected to treat everyone, including OP with common decency. If he is invited to visit them, he needs to decide if his wife should be included or if he will go alone. But, he sets the stage with his kids. If he tolerates them to treat his wife poorly (or himself poorly), they will. If they refuse to include his wife, he chooses the terms of his visit.... he can refuse to go or go on his terms. Unfortunately, we all make choices and we cannot force them on everyone around us so sometimes there is fallout from it. Those are the consequences of our choices. The daughter's choice to exclude OP may result in losing her relationship with her father. The father's choice in marrying someone they don't like may result in losing/hurting his relationship with his daughters/grandchildren. Those are things some people don't think about before getting involved.

"I'm 41 and I don't take cues from my parents on whether I should like someone or not."

Bingo.

"But, he sets the stage with his kids. If he tolerates them to treat his wife poorly (or himself poorly), they will."

Maybe OP did not provide enough details but it looks that he does nto choose to mistreat his wife to make adults kids happy, so they are upset with it, maybe they think he chose her over them even though that makes no sense! They are daughters and she is a romantic partner. It is not either or. Hello!

Well too bad, it might be bizzare with such age difference but it is 2011, they are apart since 1995, and everyone is an adult here. Grow up, get a life and let your parents/children make choices.

I wouldn't tell my DD23 who to be with so do some adult daughters think they have rights to tell their fathers who to marry? Who cares if they like/dislike dad's choice. I wonder if they are going to be as nasty and passive-aggressive with their childrten's choices when the time comes?

I do not control neither my parents nor my child, and they do not control me, at the same time we maintain close very relationships with munimum drama. We share but we don't control.

And really 2011-1995, do the math. If mom wants to wear a ring, it is her business, it is not OP's or kids' business, if dad remarries it is his business. If someomne has issues with their parents remarrying, they should see a therapist but don't make your family members lives difficult.

I agree with you completely Ima. Very well said.

I'm not assuming she's a gold digger. I'm simply presenting stats.

Why would a 40-ish woman marry a 70 year old man unless he has money? (yes, he may be younger, but chances are he's older. If BM is 70...)

I have never seen a younger person marry someone who will probably need assistance with diapers and eating soon unless they have money.

Sorry. It may be "true love" but I'm a cynic. And kids would be worried about their old dad and if he is being taken advantage of by someone.

I'm using my family as an example, I'm not saying OP is just like my SM. I was happy my dad got married. That was before I knew her for who she really is. SM is only 12 years younger than him. But when she is trying to have a baby at 44 *immediately* after I told her I was pregnant... and they had been married for 4 years and together for 6...

Let's just say I'm not the only one who has drawn this conclusion in my family. My dad has A LOT of siblings and nearly every one has come up to me, then and recently, and made similar comments regarding her behavior/intention.

So. A parent may choose their new spouse over their family and it has nothing to do with sex. (haha or everything) The family would naturally not be happy with this, especially if all of them can see that this person is not a good person.

Of course it's dad's decision. I've been at the point for years where I bend over backward to be kind to my SM (while she is sabotoguing me at every step) just so I can spend a week or two with my dad (they come here, and stay at my house).

Other family members do the same. But he's not invited often. And excuses are made to shorten the visits.

In other words; if dad chooses a byzotch and the sex is that great... have at it dad. But don't expect me to be more than civil, and I'm not willing to spend any more time with her than necessary.

It's sad. But I've had to really protect myself from her. She's emotionally toxic.

I'm not saying you (OP) are the same as my SM. I'm simply giving my persepctive on SM/BD's relationship so you have the feelings of at least one adult SKID who doesn't like their SM.

Best of luck.

The daughters were grown women when their parents split up 15 or so years ago, the divorce took 8 years (big clue that there's money involved), & they're now in their 40's.

Although it sounds to me like it's time for everyone to just smile politely & get along, I wouldn't count on it, & I'd step back, disengage, & make a unilateral commitment to smile politely & get along no matter what I got or didn't get in return.

This father must figure out what to do here;
anything you interject is likely to backfire.

maybe OP comes back and sheds some light otherwise I see some great advice. Like sylvia said, I would just let dad deal with this.

silvers, she was 44? You said she is 45 now(I remember because she is my age)so was this pregnancy situation a year ago? Or was she more like 37-38 at the time of wanting to get pregnant? And 37 does not sound like inappropriate age to have babies?

If you are talking about some more recent pregnancy rather than the one 8 years ago, then did they got married 5 years ago??? Maybe he was married before and you meant a different SM otherwise how old is she? It does make a difference in the context of a story of old SM wanting to have babies to spite her SD.

I never said she is 45 now. My dad is in his early 60's, she is 12 years younger. My DD is 8. They've been together for over 15 years, so... when they got together, yes, they could have had a late baby.

But she waited until I was pregnant, and then EVERYTHING was about her and her special meds and tests and etc... because of course, they had to go to doctors (evidently my dad's sperm is "lazy"... heck, if I know, why shouldn't everyone, right?) and specialists and and and spent a TON of money on it when my dad admitted several times that he really didn't want to be a dad again...

Because let's face it. He's working all the time, and she can't even do her own laundry. Or cook. Or do much of anything. He knew he'd be taking on majority of the responsibility. And he was so happy when she dropped the subject.

So yes, I do think there was a bit of competition on her part. (this is, after all, the woman who cannot let two people have a conversation that does not directly revolve around her without bouncing up and down and stepping in front of people to interrupt. Yes, it just happened 2 months ago... at over 50.

And it's laughable that you think I'm confusing stepmothers! (oh, no, you're right! That was the third sm who had the baby just for spite... gosh, how confusing!)

December of 2010, she was 45 then?

"Nope. What I'm having a problem with is when they run out they do not replace the roll. Even though a spare is on the back of the toilet. And, there was a GIANT wad on the counter yesterday. I'm not sure if it was used, or what...

Also, the shower is not turned entirely off so I've had to go in and stop the dripping every time SM gets out of the bath.

It's amazing to me that my DD has better bathroom manners than a 45 year old woman."

That's the same SM right?

Sorry, typo. Must have transposed... She's 54.

I see, silverswood, now it makes sense. My apologies.

NP. Didn't realize I transposed. My fault.

I'm not saying OP is like my SM. But I want OP to have the perspective of a SKID rather than another stepmother.

Some adult SKIDS don't know when to get out of their parents business and are really brutal to their SM/SF.

It's my opinion that the OP and DH are perfectly within their rights to marry and have kids - but the DH's kids have the right to not like the SM. BUT... the DH needs to set boundaries for his wife so that she is treated with respect as being dad's choice of partner.

That's what my dad DIDN'T do. He made it clear he was wishy-washy, I never expected them to marry as he *just wasn't that in to her*, and she was really not nice... So, being in my early 20's I stood up for, and protected, my dad. Which was not my place. But kids will do that before they realize better :) And my dad did play both sides but it took me years to figure that out.

HA! Two years ago he was visiting with out her and he said all this stuff about her... blah blah blah... and I kept quiet. Finally he stopped. And indicated he wanted a response from me. And I said... do you want my opinion? Or are you just venting? Because I could see the difference. And it IS inappropriate for him to talk to me about her. But welcome to my relationship with my father, lol.

Not much OP can do though. Sounds like Skids are pretty set in their opinion of her.

So my advice is not to let your child be in any situation where people/family would be venomous but do make every effort to have him know his siblings.

If SD's won't let you stay in their home, you and DH should stay somewhere else. I really dislike my SM (but she has been incredibly mean and vindictive and selfish) and I still allow her to stay in my home, make her feel welcome and do my best to treat her as a guest when she visits.

So either you've been REALLY HORRIBLE or your SKIDS aren't grown up enough to bite their tongues and take one for Dad's team.

So. #1 priority is keeping your son safe and in a good environment. #2 priority is your relationship with your DH and #3 priority is doing your best :) to encourage a good relationship between DH and DS and the rest of the family.

Not much you can do to change their minds but to live your life and try not to hold a grudge. I hope they come around. It would be a shame for your son to miss out on knowing his siblings and nieces and nephews.

I think it is OK not to like family members but one can and should still be civil. Unless one is forced to live in the same house with people they don't like, one can sure remain appropriate and handle things in a civil manner and certainly stay out of other people business.

My SO has some annoying cousins that visit out of state quite a lot and stay with us, they are far from good house guests, and some are really useless. However I remain civil and don't dream to tell anyone i don't like some of them visiting. They are SO's family.

Heck sometimes I find it so difficult with certain things SDs do. Couple of times (vacation together last summer, Christmas visit) I suffer so bad that I felt sick, yet i remained nice and civil (and they aren't even that bad and I don't dislike them but they sure could be difficult). Adult kids don't have to like their stepparents, and vice versa but they can remain civil.

My SIL is really not a good choice for my brother, he could certainly do better, all of the not working and bad housekeeping and other nonsense applies here very well. But she was his choice, he loves her, and we all love her too. Certainly not our business to say anything to him or even indirectly let him know, it is just offensive. And it would not go well. She does not ask me to clean her house or support her financially so why do i care that she is not a very good wife? My brother's problem. He is grown up.

I have hard time understanding when people directly tell mean things to each other, call each other names, directly tell their family members they don't like them, engage in arguments. What for?

Telling someone you don't like their choice of partners is just ridiculous and it never ever works (unless you have found out they are serial killers on a run)

SDs don't want OP to visit them because they don't like her. "Very classy".