Hugs to you while we wait for those experienced. My DH retired from his "day" job but continues to manage our rental investment properties. So, not exactly the same.

I do remember it taking him a while to get into a daily routine.

LynnNM, DH and I went to a retirement seminar once. For the most part, I found it to be a total waste of time BUT one thing did stick with me: You need a plan for what you are going to do more or less on a daily basis when you retire. More fishing, more travel, etc. is not sufficient.

I, too, am substantially younger than my husband. Although I continued to work after his retirement, I worked about 3 months a year and most of that was from home. We retired to a town where we had a second home but where we had not lived full-time.

Initially, all DH did was sit in the LR and watch the news and the business channels. Finally, one of his friends mentioned a group of retired business men who meet each morning to drink coffee and solve the world’s problems. It has turned out to be a godsend for both of us. Every morning, he has a reason to be up, shaved, dressed, and out of the house by a certain time.

His coffee group has kept him socially active and has led to more physical activity. He met guys to play golf with, to go to sporting events with, and go to the gym with. It is an interesting age range. The youngest is about 62, the oldest 95. They have a wide range of professions and interests.

Does your husband have interests that he can now pursue more fully? In DH’s coffee group there is one guy who is passionate about the food pantry and another who is a Master Gardener. A couple of guys discovered a mutual interest in local history. They have been responsible for the researching and charting of several historical sites.

I finally sold my book of business this past year, mainly so DH and I could travel in the Spring which used to be my busy season. It is hard. For many of us, it means losing that which has defined you.

DH retired in May at age 58. I’m a few years younger and not interested in retiring but I work very part time, self employed, so I have lots of flexibility for travel and day trips. I also have a few volunteer commitments. He’s got zero real commitments now and no structure. On the surface, he likes it that way and it‘s what he wanted, right? But he’s had issues with anxiety, out of the blue starting about a month after he retired. I knew he would have a hard time with the lack of routine because he was a slave to his schedule...but he didn’t see it coming. He’s now seeing a therapist which has been great.

I‘m not gonna lie, he drives me crazy at times (he’s a very chatty guy), but he has been very helpful especially with the dogs (he dotes on our two dogs and takes care of all the feeding, walking, meds etc) and running random errands. It’s just that he’s Always In My House.

Congratulations! Another life passage. I am also 8 years younger then my husband, and had been at home for many years before he retired. I have my routines and activities that I worried might be impacted by his retirement.

My husband retired about 7 years ago after being with the same company for over 40 years. His position had him working closely with owners of big construction companies. He traveled overnight about 10 days a month.

He was, and still is, very highly thought of in the industry.

He did (still does) have a hobby that kept him busy and located a couple miles from the house. That made the transaction easy for him and me. He had a place to be and something to do every day that he felt like doing it.

Upon his retirement I had told him that I seldom make lunch so please don’t expect eating lunches together.

After 6 months, a construction friend called and suggested my husband work as a consultant for him.

This has been an ideal situation for all concerned. My husband picks exactly how busy he wants to be, his friend’s business has benefited because my husband knows so many decision makers in the industry, and the pay enables him to continue and upgrade his hobby. We continue to attend industry conferences that are always held in 5 star locations and are always a lot of fun.

I confess that I do enjoy the times when he does travel for his consulting position. I love those few nights a month of quiet time.

I love him. I also am glad that we have never been a couple who does everything together, one trip a year shopping together is plenty for us.

We travel. We sail. We spend time at our lake cabin. We help with the grandkids. We have volunteered at an area charity, are looking to make a change in that area. We stay busy, often without doing anything important.

You’ll be fine. Be sure to take care of yourself, don’t change your daily routine unless you want to.

I can hardly imagine a profession, when exercised like your DH exercises his, would engender more feelings of usefulness. You and he are going to have to find a way to replace that tremendously good feeling that comes from being of service in a pretty special way.

In line with Zalco’s comment, in our town we have a free medical clinic that many of our doctors volunteer at outside of office hours. Is there something like that your husband could do?

For his, and your, immediate stress, would he consider seeing a therapist to work through his stress and ambivalence leaving the workforce? You recognize that he needs to vent; he recognizes that venting to you is hard on you. It seems like him finding a 3rd party outlet to work through his stress would be ideal. If he is resistant to going, a therapist might help you with this short-term transition.

Once he's retired, I am confident that he will find rewarding activities to fill his time. If he misses working, I imagine that there are many volunteer opportunities for a retired physician if he isn't ready to fill his days with golf and coffee.

I agree about getting therapists involved for each of you! And also about the retirement party. Hopefully, you could turn it over to a party planner/caterer and let them do it all except for your home decorating. Everyone is so busy that time of year, it might be fun to have it in January, or February, after the decorations are down (but your home will still be lovely) when there is NOTHING on anyone's calendar. Then he'll be able to hear how much he's been missed.

It's all going to be ok.

Our internist is retiring the end of December. He had scaled back his working days for the past couple years, so has been easing into retirement. Dh saw him the other day and learned he's decided to work a couple days a week teaching interns at one of the hospitals.

For us, the days leading up were not the problem. Yes, stressful and busy. But afterwards, it's like hitting the wall. Or falling off the cliff. Now what? Even with plans, travel, hobbies, it simply is not, and will never be the same.

Ever hear the old joke "I married him for better or worse, but not for lunch"?

I can see how this is a trying time for both of you.

While I look forward to retirement, I feel a little differently recently. I have always worked although it was part time when my kids were little. I was off 8 months for treatment of breast cancer this year and just returned to work. The first day I returned to work my DH and I went out to eat. (I was dragging!) I was yacky, talkative and close to my old self. While I was physically ill during my time off, I didn't realize how much I needed to return to work to feel "normal". I told my DH that as cheesy as it sounded, I felt "vibrant".

Zalco hit the nail on the head. Fortunately with medicine there are ways to work as much as one wants--education, locums tenem postions, Community health clinics, lobbying for healthcare industry, etc.

Do you both have pet projects that you want to get involved with? I think looking forward to them or making plans to visit your kids are what you need. You both will need something to make you feel vibrant.

Good luck!

This too shall pass, Lynn! We started planning our retirement three years ago, selling off one major property each year. We sold the last a couple of months ago. We still have passive investments in commercial real estate, so there is some "work" to be done, but nothing like we've been doing the last 30+ years.

DH had thought he would teach CrossFit after he retired, but he had to stop those classes about a year ago. He is trying to sleep later (anything past 4am is a good day!), still going to the Y (group of men that walk together before the Y opens) for the pool, sauna and steam rooms, and hot tub. But he's home by 9am. Loosing my quiet time has been hard, so I have been getting up earlier to enjoy some before he comes home. As soon as he's home, the TV is on until he goes to bed. :-/

He was not able to "let go" of working daily until we went out of town for a few days. DD1, DD2 and I do worry about him and have tried to come up with hobbies (other than going to the Y six days a week). Nothing. He has RA, degenerative disk disease and a slough of pains daily that make many things impossible or not a good idea. One wrong move causes pain for days.

We are traveling a bit more, mostly weekend car trips, but are going to Alaska next summer. Several planned requiring flying.

I don't have any answers for you, but only hope it gets better with time. Would your DH be interested in volunteering at a local university?

btw, I don't know what you are taking, but years ago I was given something by my MD for depression/stress. Being on and coming off were awful. So be careful.

I retired first, and then my husband went to part-time (he doesn't have enough outside interests yet to make a full retirement life work).

For us the biggest issues (at the stage you are now) were grief and fear. Grief for the loss of a beloved career and the identity/recognition/fulfillment that came with it. Grief for the loss of "youth" that retirement connotes. Grief for the loss of human connections with long-term colleagues. When I began to look at the process as partly one of true mourning, then it was easier to understand and accept the stages of grief I would have to experience. Denial and anger are the first two, and I felt both, much the same way you describe for you and DH. It's different every day, and that's also crazy-making. This may not help either of you, but you might find some comfort in reviewing the deep process involved in mourning loss. I too was depressed when I lost my professional identity, but I did create another with significant non-profit board leadership roles that were deeply fulfilling.

Similar was the sense of fear. Fear that we wouldn't be happy, fear that we wouldn't get along, fear that we really couldn't go back to our youth, fear that we'd become weak and unable to do things we wanted to, diffuse non-specific fear, including fear of the unknown. Strategies that helped with that were concrete planning. We planned a retirement trip, made the reservations, and went someplace we loved. We planned a home renovation to support a "new" life and lined up the contractor. We also planned to, and then did, join volunteer efforts separate from one another that matched our own individual interests. We did not want to spend all day, every day, together, and wanted some separate social groups as mentioned above.

One last strategy that has worked well for me, since I have more time than DH, is to take on a big NEW challenge. I decided to master a new foreign language, one I'd never studied before, and began self-teaching in day-by-day lessons. It was a personal commitment to become fluent enough to travel to the country, and I"ve stuck with it every day! Just a way to feel like my brain is engaged and still enjoys a challenge. Honestly, I didn't expect the new language to be as satisfying as it turned out to be, that's why I'm mentioning it.

The pain, grief, and fear are real, and not to be minimized, but I can tell you for sure that they DO diminish as you start to live a new life with success, and you will!

Oh dear - so sorry to hear you are not both enjoying this wonderful stage of life. I love retirement and had no problem adjusting but I can't imagine how my DH would deal with it. He might be like your DH. I know I am his best friend so I'm sure I would bear the brunt of whatever angst and frustration he was experiencing. I've never been one to get professional help to deal with life changes/difficulties but maybe that's a good thing to do. I've found it wonderfully helpful to get with other people who were going through or had been through the same thing. I wonder if your DH has any former colleagues who have been through the retirement experience that he could get together with and chat. Or maybe some other golf buddies who have been through this? It does seem that if he could find some kind of part-time way to use his expertise to help others that might also be good but it sounds like he has some things to work through before that.

In any case it's good you are trying to figure out how best to deal with this life transition as it sounds like it's taking quite a toll on both of you.

I opened this post thinking, "Well, pull up a chair" because I could write a book. But there's already been lots of wisdom shared here, so maybe I won't write so much.... You are astute and sensitive to realize that it may not be 100% pure happiness. DH has been retired 10 years, beginning the year our oldest was a senior in high school and our youngest was four years behind him. It has been difficult in many ways, even though all along I've felt that of course DH deserved a retirement -and a HAPPY retirement- but it has still been difficult. In our case, we have an age difference of fifteen years (he's older) and that has never been more apparent than during retirement. Another difference that has become more of an issue is that he is so much more introverted than I am, and less active in general. Although he volunteered for one full day a week at first, a back injury sidelined him from that and he's never re-upped. So he is in or around the house nearly all the time. Which could, and does, at times, drive me completely bonkers. I've never been the kind of wife who has been able to successfully 'make' my husband do things, although I've heard of wives who 'make' their husbands volunteer, etc.

So, my short list would look like this:

Think specifically about how each of you would like, say, the next five years, to look. What does a great day, a great week, and a great month look like? For me, a great day includes some outdoor time, some creative time, and a bit of social time. To a great week, I would add to that list -an adventure. Maybe that's trying a new place for lunch, going to a movie, driving a few hours away to a new town for a day, etc. To a great month, I would add: leaving the state or at least going 3+ hours away; and to a great year, I would add: leaving the country. Make your lists separately and then get together to compare. You may be surprised. Then, start planning. If your list includes leaving the country once a year, and your husband's list doesn't, talk about that. Do you go without him? Does he go along to make you happy? Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk. I often talk with a good friend whose DH retired a few years ago and we commiserate about all that we didn't know. She and her DH talked about 'lots of travel' when they were planning, but it turns out his idea of that was camping, and road trips to low-budget hotels -and hers was European tours. It's easy for resentments to build up even in good marriages when either or both parties feel their needs are being ignored. I think the more purposeful you are about the next few years, the better retirement can be. I always need something to look forward to, a reason to get out of bed. DH does not. He can get up, eat oatmeal for breakfast, putter in the garden, read, nap, watch tv, and call it a great day. So can I now and then. But piled up on top of each other, too many of those days leaves me feeling anxious and depressed. This will be a work in progress -I still believe it can be a GREAT time, but you have to know yourself well, and perhaps even be more demanding of meeting YOUR needs than you have generally been as a wife and mother.

I haven't read through all the responses and assume this has already been suggested but would it be possible for him to work part-time, one or two days per week? My DH also finds his work very rewarding. He's good at it, loves his patients and co-workers. He's been doing this (part-time) now for close to 20 years. He has a situation which allows him to take whatever time he wants off and we take advantage of that, often gone for 4-5 weeks at a time. I think it would have been very hard for him to leave cold turkey.

Thank you all so very much!!! You have no idea how much you’ve helped me already. I am in tears with gratitude. Such wisdom and great advice! I will come back to say more, to thank you more, but it’s Friday night and DH will be home soon with our pizza. It‘s our movie (DVD) and relaxing night. Friday and Saturday evenings are the only 2 nights that we have together. The other 5 evenings he is in his study right after dinner until at least 10PM working on patient charts, etc. That part of his practicing medicine I will so be glad to see over!

Lynn - DH retired a few years ago after practicing medicine for nearly 40 years. He didn't want to retire but he had developed severe cardiac issues and realized that he no longer had the stamina to continue. He used to get up at 5 and go into the office and do EMR's for 2 hours before seeing patients. He'd come home around 5, eat dinner and then spend another 3 hours on the computer. He tried to cut back slowly, initially he gave up Department Head and rounds, then cut back to 4 days but he still spent the 5 th day doing EMR's. Then he cut back to 3 days before finally calling it quits.

It was extremely difficult for him. His identity was wrapped up in medicine. He had built his practice from 2 physicians and a handful of office staff to 6 physicians and 28 support personnel. He was loved and respected by his patients, tops in his field (Hem/Onc), and in a final sign of his dedication saw Penn seek and acquire his practice. And while he relished the recognition that brought he still felt that he had lost part of himself - his raison d'etre.

He devoted himself to our family and his patients which left little time to develop outside interests of his own. And now his health prohibits some of the more active things that he might do but he putters in the garden and in the kitchen.

From what you have shared here over the years I think you and your DH will weather this. You already have a history of scheduling time together (i.e. pizza night), you take trips, I think you've posted that your husband likes to golf, you have a close relationship with your children, you're both interested in healthy eating and entertaining. You also mentioned that you're considering moving after retirement.

That's a great base to expand on and while it will be tough during the transition I believe that in the not too distant future this stress and pain will diminish. It's not unlike childbirth. I think both of you are in a much better position then we were - you are healthy and mobile, you're anticipating more travel and spending time with family. Perhaps look for some travel books as a Christmas gift for your husband, join a gym, plan a few day trips or visits to see your children, maybe enroll in classes at a local museum or college.

I think the worst part is that you and your DH are going to hear from patients and friends that the 'new Doc' isn't as caring or as easy to talk to as your husband. We were spared that because over the years most of DH's patients had seen one or two of the other doctors in the practice so the transition was a little easier. But there were still patients who felt that they were being abandoned even though they knew for 2 years that DH was preparing to leave. That was very hard on him since he had many long-term patients and had developed strong bonds with them.

You'll have to remind him that both of you have worked hard over the years and now you deserve to relax and enjoy life. I'm sure he'll be happy that he no longer has to deal with charts, insurance companies. reimbursement, malpractice coverage and EMT's. As for dealing with how to handle his venting at dinner - I'm not sure what to suggest. Does he feel better after he talks about it?

You home does look beautiful during the holidays and your table is absolutely festive and glorious. So go ahead and have the smaller retirement for friends at home - but can you hire someone to help you pack things away? And remember your husband will now be available to help too.

I'll be thinking about you - both of you - and looking forward to reading about your new adventures.

Maire

Hugs to you Lynn. First things first. Nip that depression in the bud asap. Do you know how blessed your husband is to have someone to talk to? Don't be saddened by it, you may not see it but it helps him tremendously.

DH didn't really retire but about ten years ago in his mid-50s he opened a small law office at home. Some days he's busy, other days he's in my way.

DH built a greenhouse and now he just piddles with it but he does grow a garden. He also likes computer games, the kind where you play with other people, some sort of battle games. Would your DH be interested in something like that? Or maybe porn? JK, I'm checking to see if you're still reading. :)

The one thing you need to prepare for now is the loss of your daytime privacy. That's a BIGGIE. Your quiet time immediately flies out the window and it will drive you bonkers. Gone are the days when you want to run the vacuum on a whim, move furniture, run around naked with the blinds open. What I did is turn the bedroom into my own private oasis when he's busy on the phone or with a client, or he's studying a case. I love reading in there, or folding laundry while watching Young and the Restless. Seriously!

As someone mentioned above, can he work part-time, do some consulting, or even write papers for journals? Something to keep him in the medical field. He's already missing his job.

You'll travel of course but you can only travel so much before you're both exhausted. Did he have any hobbies in the past he'd like to take up again? Maybe grow a kitchen garden? It's the downtime you all need to plan for.

You'll get used to it but it takes time. And lots of patience. Just think, now you two can play "Doctor" in the middle of the day!

Lynn, I cannot add much except that you have received excellent advice already. And I hope hearing from others and just being able to talk it out here has helped some.

My DH is only 2 years older but he retired 5 years before I did. I was enjoying my job a lot more than he was and he decided to take advantage of a downsizing opportunity and benefits and retire. It wasn’t ‘early’, but he still sometimes wished he had worked a few more years. Our work in engineering and test was very specialized and there is really no volunteer opportunity after retirement other than mentoring STEM students or tutoring.

I sincerely hope your DH can find his place in the community via a volunteer clinic or some medical effort as was mentioned. We have many friends who have retired and are doing work in these fields, on hospital or clinic boards, drug-rehab clinics, etc. The need is great and welcome for a caring, compassionate physician.

Edited to add, we do volunteer, just in other areas besides high tech/engineering. DH works 4 half days a week at the Botanical Garden during the busy season leading up to the big light display (which started yesterday) and then during take-down in January. He obviously can skip days for personal convenience, vacations, etc. I also volunteer there and am highly involved with the volunteer support organization, which runs plant sale and other fund raising activities. And I volunteer with our local theater group now as a part-time usher.

Don’t forget to just let your DH just take a breath after his last day. Let him come home, reorganize his office, reflect on things on his own time for a few days or more, and enjoy coffee in the mornings with you. Then plan your travel and let things fall into routine and into place. They will.

Your poor husband! I can imagine it is such a huge change for him. Like you said, he has devoted years to his patients! He must be such a wonderful, caring physician. First thing that comes to my mind is some type of volunteer work - something medical. A friend volunteers in a clinic run by a RETIRED PHYSICIAN. I believe it is either two full days a week or two half days. It is backed/run by a local hospital and there are a few paid employees but many of those working there volunteer their time. Another friend's parents volunteer at a local hospital. Her dad volunteers one day a week in the ER and one day a week in the cancer center, visiting with the patients. I would think something that allows him to use his abilities but not the responsibilities, would be wonderful for him. My husband and I are in our late 50's. He still works, but I don't. He is self employed and works from home. Some would say he is semi-retired but it's really that his schedule is extremely flexible. We are able to spend time together doing things, trips, etc. if/when we want to. I see him retiring in the next couple of years but keeping a few clients. He loves what he does and says because of that, he does not feel like he is "working". An important thing is each spouse having their own interests, friends, etc. so that you have time together and time apart. You will both find your way, it may just take a while. I wish you both a happy retirement!

Allison, I feel your pain! I would go ape @#%^ crazy if the tv were on all the time! My MIL does that and it drives me bonkers!

Hi Lynn, I can feel your angst as I read your post. Change - it can be full of emotion. I retired first, DH after. It is an adjustment that can take some time. Finding purpose in the day to day - there are many ways I 'm sure your DH can remain active with his medical career. Volunteering his service if he chooses or really retiring from it and being totally free to do things he never had time to do before. You both will figure it out as you go, have confidence in that!

As I've posted before, we retired with young kids so totally different. But one thing I think applies. When you are working, you mainly think about retiring as meaning "not working." And yes, there are days when i love "not working." I love snowstorms because I no longer commute in them, and going to bed when it is rainy and windy is wonderful! But "not working" is not a way to spend your life. So retiring happily means figuring out a new way to spend your life.

My DH retired at 60, 6 years ago and when he decided to do so my first comment was "I am not your hobby". And then he asked what was he going to do. I suggested volunteer work within the industry which led to volunteer work in the community using his strengths. Volunteer work was the saving grace for us. It gives him something to do and it gives him something to talk about at dinner.

He also reconnected with neighbourhood friends who were retiring at the same time and they hike and ski together.

Someone upthread mentioned having something to wake up to that requires having breakfast and a shower is important and necessary and that is to true for my DH.

First-I misread your original post Lynn and thought you were planning a retirement party for 'closest friends' meaning THEIR retirement not your husband's LOL. My advice still stands though; I absolutely think you should postpone that gathering. As others have said you both are too overwhelmed to enjoy such a party and it will also give you something to do when life does settle a bit.

On life post-retirement: I know quite a few doctors including several who are retired or wrestling with the decision. One personality trait that's pretty ubiquitous is that doctors, by benefit of what they do (save lives!) tend to have a high level of authority in both their professional and personal world views. That's natural of course. But I think it makes for a very tough transition to retirement.

I think it's hard for anyone but especially for those who have derived much of their identity and rewards from their careers--guilty as charged myself. I've also had the impression that you and he live a life in which a lot of YOUR identity and your lifestyle is enmeshed with supporting him and his professional work. So the change that's coming is naturally pulling at you probably as hard or harder. No wonder you both are reeling.

You've gotten so much good advice here including from others who have walked a similar path. I do want to share something that I've experienced since my own retirement. While not a doctor nor a high level executive, I was deeply committed to my job and because it entailed an advisory role, I felt very responsible for outcomes for those with whom I worked (college students). I found that when I retired, doing that particular activity was surprisingly not something I wanted to continue on a volunteer basis. I definitely needed, and need, something to do with my time that makes me feel I am contributing and useful in the world. But it quickly became clear to me that I no longer wanted to be responsible for someone's else's affairs the way I was in my job. I wonder if your husband, and you, might find that seeking fulfillment away from practicing medicine may be a better path forward. So many suggestions have basically focused on your husband going back to work as a doctor on some level. Now, that might be good for him. Or it might be a reminder of what he stepped away from and what he won't have again because that practice, those patients, that authority level that was built by many years of dedicated work is gone now. As the saying goes, the river keeps flowing and you can't step into the same stream twice.

Last but not least I second the statement that through your posts here it is clear you and your man are a team. You two are TIGHT! You will weather this, and you will look back and feel so good about working through this life transition together as you have worked through so many before.

I have found one of retirement's sweetest surprises for me has been the simple joy of reconnecting with my husband, free of life's daily stresses and aggravations. I wish you both that same happiness as you work this the way you've worked through so much-a united team. My mantra is we two make a world. All the best in the next stop on your world tour :).

Bestyears' comment is terrific. Think about it this way: nearly all of your cards are wild. Occupation? Location? Travel? Study? It's all up to YOU. I have had friends in this situation and you're right, it IS unsettling. But it's also FREEING.

May I suggest the "What Color is Your Parachute?" workbook? It's great for generating a wholistic path--what do you want to do? where do you want to do it? with who? and so on.

Retiring from one occupation also doesn't have to mean retiring altogether--I know someone who retired from one business at age 60, then started a successful multimillion-dollar, multicity business and ran that for another 20 years. I know another person who went back to school (even though she already had her master's), got certified at 60, and then worked for another 20 years.

Think about this next phase of your lives as a joint project. You raised kids and ran a business together. That's two really big projects. What is the next one going to be?

Thank you all again for this wonderful advice and ideas. I’ve been sick in bed for much of these past 2 days with some nasty cold virus. Am starting to feel better and will be back to answer questions, etc. tomorrow.

Oh dear, Lynn NM, sorry to hear that you're dealing with a cold virus at the same time as the complex retirement challenges. It's just a pause! All will be OK as you find your new "temporary" footing for the next week, and then the week beyond this one.

It can be a truly a crazy time; so many foundation elements of both your lives are shifting at the same time. The short term of November and December likely will seem confusing and disorienting, especially as the formal "retirement date" and "formal recognitions" loom ahead. But, if you think of it as a phase of "rapids on the river", (for an example, this current viral illness snag), it may come more into focus as "steps in a transition" from one place to another. (Maybe it is being sick with stress, briefly, along the way, not as a chosen pause, but nothing permanent!)

This is just one, (perhaps an introductory), step into your shared future, not even the first true chapters of the next-story. Get well as soon as you can, and keep looking ahead at what a NEW life has to offer both of you. Please know that your DH is drawing so heavily on you just now, (as your love would wish him to do!), that you will need to deliberately underpin yourself both in health and heart, however that works for you. Both of you will ride the rapids, and will emerge with smiles on your faces, even if you can't see around the bend just this moment.

My DH is an MD, too, so I know first-hand how heart-wrenching it is to step away from the life. Wrap your arms around each other, hold on, and ride the rapids till they pass. If anyone goes overboard, just throw the life-preserver and reel them in!

There is peaceful, calm water down river, I promise.

We have a retired family physician on our community coalition. He is great in advocacy. So, maybe you want to get involved in farmers markets, healthy food access, bicycling or walking coalitions, tobacco-free communities, etc., something more public health related.

Because this just happened for the zillionth time, BEGONE with waxing poetic about what it's like when our DH's retire, and let's be brutally honest! Don't get me wrong, I love my husband with all my heart but after being the only one home for decades & suddenly he's here at least half the time, I kinda want to slap him upside the head and I'm not a violent person!

More days than not I always say to myself in a creepy voice, "He's here. He's there." Tonight is a good example, and let me just say, he walks like a ballerina or a Fencer, he did take fencing in college, and I never hear him come in the room and when he says hello I jump like a frog.. We're in the country, it's quiet here.

So here's an example. I've been so busy I let the kitchen floor go to pot thanks to our two horses who eat drool eat drool, bring kibble to the kitchen, drop kibble and drool onto floor instead of staying in the utility room...you get the picture. Oh, add dry dirt on their paws mixed with morning dew...

Last night I washed about ten 12" x 12" squares of our ceramic floor. Tonight after DH got home from his club meeting with a full belly, then laid down on the sofa to watch tv with the two horses, it was the perfect time to do more squares. While on my hands and knees I see FEET and I say to myself, "he's here. He's everywhere."

No matter when I decide to clean a room...he's there or he's here.

Oakley! You made me laugh! I totally understand.

My DH is semi retired. He's a family law atty who does mediation & arbitration exclusively, so he can schedule if & when he wants. He likes to do two cases/week, but there is lots of material to wade through with each case so he's well prepared, and spends a fair amount of time in his home office doing that. I think like lots of men, he has been heavily invested in his career, and some of his outside interests he's no longer able to enjoy because of some health issues. These health challenges are better managed with exercise & fitness, so he sees a PT/trainer person weekly & does his workouts in our home "gym". We fix dinner together, or one of us does it & he is good about doing some of the grocery shopping. We still have our house & have a gardener who helps us keep it up, but he still enjoys doing that,. I have inflammatory arthritis & am limited in helping much anymore. I have no doubt from reading your entries here Lynn, that you both will do fine. Just getting to that point is wearing you down, as he is using you to be his go-to person with his grief about letting go of his practice. Feel free to vent here....you may need to do some of that to get you through this. Plus, you can visit your children together or alone & he will be home to care for your home & pets!! My next challenge is that some good friends of ours just moved into a tiered retirement home & he wants to start looking into that! I...AM....NOT...READY!!

Hope your virus is abating & that your strength & energy come back quickly for you. Above all, be extra kind to yourself right now!

Lizzie - sounds like a wonderful life! What we need to remember is not everyone needs the same amount of alone time. Some really enjoy doing even the mundane things together. You mentioned cooking together, perfect example. We share many of the household chores. Sure, my husband might get on my nerves occasionally, I'm sure he feels the same way. But the good moments far outweigh those times! As I said before, one of the most important things (IMO and experience) is for each to maintain their own friends and activities/hobbies. We have many things we love to do together, and of course our besties (another couple), but having time away is good too. AND HOME PROJECTS!!! LOL Lynn, maybe that is a good start. Is there a project you've been wanting to do? If so, maybe planning for that project would be a good start. It would give your husband something to focus/work on. I ALWAYS can come up with something! LOL I should say I dream the project up and my husband implements! Right not it's a window seat in the dining nook. I have no doubt you will be fine, it will just take a bit of adjusting.

First of all, thank you for your caring, for your own personal stories and for your wonderful advice. I really needed it all! I'm sure that this cold virus that's knocked me out these last 3 days is because my non-stop stress had left my immune system a bit lacking.

BTW, I am so liking and needing all of your advice here, that I'm printing it ALL out to keep rereading. It's like a pick-me-up before bed and first thing in the morning after DH heads off to work.

Second, Oakley, I hear you and everyone who's warned me that having DH around a lot more during the day will be a lot like having him in my way and under foot (LOL)!. Just a (kind of) funny story: Last month, instead of heading straight into his study after dinner, DH told me that we needed start getting into the retirement mode and so he was going to help me clear the table and do the dishes every evening. Ummm, ok. Next thing you now, he's telling how to do dishes "better"! I put up with it for 2 nights and then kicked him out of the kitchen! Don't get me wrong, he's the kindest, most thoughtful guy and he actually is really good at just about everything, including cooking. But, he's been the boss of his/our clinic for 37 years with no one above him and so he's just used to telling his staff and his patients what to do. I not take well to being "bossed around". He's learned this over the years, but (sigh) I see it starting up again some after he retires.

To all of you who suggested not throwing him a retirement party for our close friends between Christmas and New Years, good advice. I'll wait until after. Thank you.

To all who suggested hobbies: DH has been an avid golfer for almost all of his life. He is the last of his foursome to retire, so he will have that for sure. Like I mentioned, he is an excellent cook who loves it, and he does want to help cook and plan our meals. That's ok. He's good company to grocery shop with to some extent, although like most men who don't shop on a regular basis, he tends to forget and block the aisles with his cart. AND, being a doc and former pharmacist he drives me crazy sometimes reading the ingredients on every package! Anyhoo, he loves to read, and hike, and work around the house. And since we have many projects waiting for him, I'm sure he'll have plenty to do. As for me, I don't golf and don't enjoy hiking. But, I do plan to start volunteering again after the first of the year.

Regarding volunteering, good idea that we should start talking about it now! With both DH and I having worked in medicine for many years, we do want to get involved in that aspect. I did MUCH volunteer work at my kids' school over the years and am thinking about that again. Another opportunity may be with Habitat for Humanity, which one of our good friends is involved in. For DH, as although I love to decorate, I don't like sawing, hammering, etc., and absolutely hate painting. Also, I've just learned that one of my neighbors is involved in gathering and distributing home goods for foster kids who have timed out of the system/program. She and others help set them up in their own places with furnishings and utensils, etc. That would be right up my alley!

Regarding becoming couch potatoes versus keeping in shape, we have an Elliptical, Body Blade, weights and a Bowflex here and are planning on turning one of our guest rooms into a workout room right after Christmas. I'd also like to join a gym, for swimming, which I love. DH is slender and in great shape, but sinks like a rock in the water, so he’s not interested in swimming for exercise (LOL)! And, neither one of us is much into watching tv series, etc. We do love watching the news every morning and evening, but some golf, college football (we're BIG Sooner fans!), some History Channel and (for me) some HGTV is pretty much it.

My darn keyboard is acting up. It keeps missing letters and freezing up! I don’t want to lose what I’ve already written, and so I’ll post this and go on from here.

I just printed out this entire thread, which was 17 pages. Thank you!

Eld: I'll remember that! Yes, I'm thinking it will take both of us a while to find a new daily routine that works for us. Thanks for the warning!

bbstx: DH loves to play golf and the others in his longtime foursome are already retired. Right now they play once a week, but I'm going to encourage him to play more. We do love the morning news and he watches the business channels when he can, as well. I need to talk with him about too much time watching. I'd love for him to get to know more of the retirees here in our (large, kind-of-upscale) village. There must be more who he would have similars interests with.

Maddielee: Your retirement lives sound wonderful! You know, DH just recently mentioned the possibiliy of a consulting job after he retires. If it, like your husband's, leaves ample time for traveling, that might be a good way for him to ease into this. Thanks!

Sue: yes, the "always in my house" worries me, a well. We do have a lot of house projects that he's looking forward to doing this Winter and Spring. Thank goodness the new HVAC system is in, so that we won't have many workers other than DH in here, though! I'm so hoping that he gets a new daily schedule quickly!

Zalco: thank you. Yes,we've talked int he past about doing volunteer work in some sort of medical field, such as Healthcare for the Homeless. We both still love practcing medicine very much!

Running: You made a good point about the retirement party and I'm heeding it. And, you're right, I don't think either of us have the emotional strength to handle it now. Thank you!!!

Allison: our husbands are alike in their very early wake-up times! Ugh! I was just saying to DH yesterday that once he retires, I'd like for us to sleep in until 7AM. He does not think he can do that, but we'll see. Thanks for the about the med warning. Yes, I've been very, very careful about how much I'm taking and how often. As for DH volunteering at the university of for that mtter, UNM's medical school, probably not.

RNmom: I am so sorry about your recent battle with cancer. And, very happy for you that you're through it now! Yes, volunteering at a community health clinic might be a great way to give back.

3katz: You know, that's a good idea! He needs to plana get together with his already retired golf buddies to talk about what they went through. On the golf course, he says they just talk about golf. I'm going to really try to get him to do that . . . and soon! Thanks!

Mtn: Those are great words to live by: "Figuring out a new way to spend our life"! Yes, I love it! That is going to be our new mantra. Thank you very much for that!

Blfenton: "I am not going to be your hobby". I need to use that on DH!!! Thank you, and yes, it's so true. Also volunteering in our mountain community here will help him find new local friends. His small group of close now all live down in town. I'd love for him to meet more guys up here.

OK, I'll be back to finish up, but life and an empty stomach are calling me now.

Not sure if someone already mentioned the "I don't do lunch." At first DH wanted me involved and honestly, he is more than capable of figuring out what to eat. I did make sure there were things on the ready for him but I also made it a point to stick to my routine and schedules which often meant eating lunch on the fly.

Although my DH is here, I don't feel we are under each other's feet. We have a small home, but there are multiple spaces where we can each go to be alone. He might be watching TV in the TV room, I could be watching a different show in the basement. Sometimes we might read together in the living room.

I know people always suggest volunteer work. I still work part-time, but not on a regular basis. When I cut back on hours, I thought that volunteer work would be the thing. It wasn't. I realized that if I had to be at a certain place at a certain time, I might as well get paid for it. The trick is finding something that you absolutely love, but at the same time can be flexible.

In a sense, DH "volunteers" by helping anyone when they ask. He has expertise in everything from home improvement to IT.

Lynn, maybe our DH's should be bestie's. After all, it was their job to give orders to the little underlings, right? On DH's first day home he learned lesson #1, don't boss me around.

At 11:00 every day I eat lunch in the living room on the sofa with a TV tray, read, and watch The Young and the Restless. No comments please. First day home he's walking by and says "This needs to be vacuumed." I looked up to see what "this" was, and it was the tiny area under the edge of the cushion and it had crumbs on it. I simply told him to not go there. No more telling me what needs to be done! lol

For reasons I don't understand, after going most of his married life washing dishes maybe five times, he took over the dishwasher. Rarely is there a dirty dish in the sink anymore. One problem though, he keeps putting the glasses and bowls in the wrong places, and they've been there for 40 years!! How hard is it to remember such things?

l let it slide because I hate doing dishes.

Two Oakie former bosses, yep I’ll bet they’d get along great! I wish we lived closer. You and several others here have mentioned “lunch issues“ with newly retired DHs. That is so going to be an issue with us, too. I just know!

My husband retiring would be my nightmare.

Did I just say that out loud?

I remember a great story my friend Beth told me. On the first day of her husband's retirement, they had just finished breakfast when he turned to her and said, "So, what are we doing today?" Beth immediately turned to him and said, "Umm, there is no 'we' until 5 o'clock. But I'm playing tennis."

Always thought that was priceless!

I don't do breakfast and I don't do lunch either. I eat lunch standing up in the kitchen at 1:00 watching Nicolle Wallace (west coast time) (no judgement :)

The first day of retirement I forgot he was home and I merrily left the house without saying good-bye, set the alarm and shut the door. Got to the bottom of the hill and thought sh!t, will he be surprised when he walks through a motion detector and sets off the alarm. I turned around, went back home but fortunately he hadn't moved from the office yet.

Congratulations, Lynn! Hope you can find some things you like to do together as well as time separately for your respective friends and activities. DH says he’d never retire (and somehow I believe him, he loves his work so much). And i just retired (which could be a break of some kind rather than real retirement), and I’d love for him to be home too so we can spend time together, but it’s not very realistic. (I’m 2 years older than DH).

Eld, you are so right about finding something you love. There are so many volunteer opportunities, I can't imagine not finding something that brings a person happiness. I'm sure there's not one of us here who wouldn't be happy knowing they had given something back to their community, helped someone who needed it, etc. I, personally, have only had one volunteer gig where I was somewhat "scheduled" a bit rigidly. Right now much of my volunteer activities are seasonal. Example - I coordinate a local "Angel Tree" and although I must have applications out/in by a certain date, sorting and dispensing by a certain date, I can pretty much do it as I want time-wise. I just got an email this week about mentoring a child which only requires an hour a month! There are just so many opportunities. I encourage everyone who is able to keep trying until you find a volunteer opportunity you enjoy. It has been my experience that I reap benefits from volunteering as well as those we are helping.

Lynn - your friend's deal sounds great! I never thought about that need but helping foster children move into the world outside of childhood/foster care is something to consider. I wonder if there is something like that here in my area?

Sorry to get off-topic, I just wanted to offer a bit of encouragement to others on volunteering. I'm sure you can see that it is something I am passionate about!