For everyday dinners, I plate the food in the kitchen for spouse and myself, serve it, and tell him if there are any extra portions in the kitchen. For larger dinners, I serve family style with bowls and platters of food on the table.

Holiday dinners of at least a dozen people have a buffet set out on a large kitchen table with rolls, butter and boats of hot gravy on the dining room table.

I do plate food when we host what I call “dinner parties” of 2-6 guests. I already have asked if they like the main course so I select side dishes and other courses that will complement it.

"I wonder if plating is a regional thing?"

Interesting comment.

It's a practice I've NEVER seen or heard of anyone doing. Is it regional, is it by familial tradition, or what?

All I've ever experienced is family style or buffet, depending on the size of the group. Plating my meal would almost make me want to ask if Mommy could please cut my meat for me too.

I am amazed at some of these comments!! "NEVER" having seen this would make me question how much one gets out and about and to where :-) Would you ask your restaurant server to cut your meat for you as well?

Why is this such a foreign concept to so many? Most catered wedding dinners are plated........and other large functions where a sit-down meal is served. Not to mention most dinner parties, which seem like almost a lost art in these days of uber casual dining.

LOL Colleen but because you think your need to control is stronger than the eaters need to not waste or be unduly tempted to eat what they know they shouldn't or be turned off by something they really dislike on their plate...I think you are mistaken. You may well not care but your guests do care and are not going to risk the fopaux. It isn't about what you want. And I would go so far as suggest that isn't gracious hostessing's aim. Of course eating out, formal weddings, formal dinners with wait staff and multiple cooks etc. etc serve plated dinners. That isn't where this thread began. The question was about what happens in peoples homes among families, at the holidays and yes serving plated dinners in non formal situations appears to be foreign for many of us. Obviously some people live where among family life is less formal, while other's want to treat their families to a step above the every day. Viva la difference!!

Plating is nice, but, unless you've hired someone to help (and I don't), it's just not feasible for the large group I usually host on the holidays. I've certainly plated for smaller dinner parties and family meals, but if it's more than 6 sitting down to dinner, it doesn't work for me. I'm not a caterer and I don't have a caterer's kitchen or a caterer's staff.

My family’s custom sounds very similar to function the looks. We would never have plated food. It would have appeared as being cheap and etiquette would have prevented anyone from asking for more.

My first experience with plating food was at my in-laws. It appeared so strange. They also serve men guests first, followed by the other men then women guests then children then the lowly family women! It’s a miracle that I managed to get through it. For the last few years I no longer go when there will be guests. I can’t/won’t do it anymore.

Upon thinking more about this, there are a few times that I have plated the food and one would have been Cornish hens. I would only have them for 4-6 people and they would be plated with any garnishes plus the rice. The rest of the food would be passed at the table. I haven't had them for a long time....something to correct maybe?

This thread has sent me down a long rabbit hole about different ways of serving a meal. In case anyone else enjoys learning the history of the different styles, this article is particularly good:

Place setting for 12-course dinner a la russe

By the 1860s, the rich and fashionable had abandoned service à la française in favor of service à la russe, or Russian service, and magazine writers, cookbook authors, and “behavior” experts were strenuously promoting this new serving style to middle-class women. While a French-style dinner was essentially a three-course buffet, a dinner à la russe was served in eight to fourteen separate small courses. In antebellum America, the more or less obligatory courses comprised, in the following order: raw oysters on the half-shell, soup, fish, croquettes or a creamed food in puff pastry, a roast with potatoes and a vegetable, game with salad (or salad only), a cold dessert, a frozen dessert with fancy cakes, and, finally, coffee. If a grander effect was wanted, other items could be grafted onto this basic template: an entrée (meaning a light meat or fish dish), and/or a vegetable, and/or a palate-cleansing sorbet could follow the roast; cheese and crackers could be served either following the game/salad or just before coffee; a hot dessert or a large cake could precede the cold dessert; and fresh, preserved, and dried fruit might follow the frozen dessert.3 It all sounds like quite a production, but in Practical Cooking and Dinner-Giving (1876), Mary Henderson opines that “it is very simple to prepare a dinner served à la Russe”—indeed, “after a very little practice it becomes a mere amusement.” Henderson’s nonchalance is less surprising than it seems. She presumes that many items will be purchased ready-made, either from a caterer or in cans, and that all of the cooking required will be done by servants, which any hostess who hazarded such a dinner would have had at the time.

https://www.manuscriptcookbookssurvey.org/when-service-a-la-francaise-met-service-a-la-russe/

Michele, the husband getting served first dates back to when the husband was the only breadwinner in the house and they wanted to keep him healthy to work. My FIL never ate the table but in his recliner in front of the TV. My MIL would plate his food first and bring it to him. She also worked and had 7 kids to take care of. Oh it took all I had not to tell him to get off his as- and make his own. When he came to my house he knew he had to sit at the table or he was going to go hungry. My house, my rules.

"We would never have plated food. It would have appeared as being cheap and etiquette would have prevented anyone from asking for more."

According to accepted etiquette rules, plating is typically associated with more formal dinners and not at all indication of cheapness !! In fact, was most common with wealthy households as there was usually "staff" to do all that individual serving :-) And you didn't 'ask for more' - a serving size was a serving size and it would be uncouth or boorish to expect seconds.

It is my considered opinion that if all our food had been plated from our early years onward (with appropriately portion controlled serving sizes) there would be a whole lot fewer obese people in this country!

Yes, never in a home. That was what I said. You can suggest any number of places where food is served commercially. Airplane meals too, you forgot to mention those.

nice try to be nasty, gardengal. Maybe get some exercise to burn off tension.

It's interesting how people who plate seem to be offended by those of us who would prefer to serve ourselves.

I've never had someone plate my food in their home. It doesn't mean I think it's bad or wrong, but it's just something I have never seen before, and not my personal preference as I am a bit picky. I'm also a vegetarian and a lot of people don't consider things like the chicken broth in stuffing or the bacon in the green bean casserole and once something with meat has touched my plate, I have to throw away anything that's touched it or I'll get sick.

I can't tell you how many people when I ask "is there any meat in this?" say "no" and when I say, "oh, no chicken broth?" they say "oh, yeah there is broth in there but that's not meat." Or the person who swore her baked beans were vegetarian but there was a giant hunk of bacon in it when she put a spoonful on my plate at the buffet. I had to throw the entire plate out when she wasn't looking.

And while people here proclaim they would never be offended if someone didn't eat what they were served, many more people feel social pressure to eat it. I would choke down something I didn't like (unless it had meat in it) if someone put it on my plate rather than insult the person who served it to me. It's entirely different from a restaurant where I decide what I want to order and will ask them to exclude something I don't like.

Restaurants and catered meals are different. It's more like "this is what you get for this amount of money." Its not the same as portioning out food for family or friends. (And if I go to a restaurant, I can substitute. Or add extra of what I want.) I think its ungracious to plonk down a plate of food that you deem appropriate in front of someone. Like, "here, eat it or don't. Doesn't matter to me." And if you invite them to help themselves to seconds,why not firsts to begin with? I would feel uncomfortable and frankly, unwanted if someone were to plate my food for me outside of a restaurant or catered affair. It sends the wrong message. Not "You're a welcome guest ,help yourself to what you want and enjoy." It says "I am already doing you a favor by allowing you to dine in my presence. This is what you get. Take it or leave it."

I wonder why buffet restaurants are so popular......

I am reluctant to even respond but no Elmer, that is NOT what you said. You said you had "NEVER seen or heard of anyone doing".........there were no qualifiers as to whether this was in a private home or anywhere else. I'm not sure why you take anything that differs from your opinion as a personal affront. I was not being nasty.....only commenting that "never" (and stated in caps yet) was a pretty narrow view. So no need for you to be nasty - although that seems to be your stock in trade. If you don't want your comments to be misconstrued from your intention, then make them clear.

"I wonder why buffet restaurants are so popular......"

Maybe because portion size control is a foreign concept to many? Eat until you can't squeeze another bite in to make sure you get your money's worth? Maybe why 40% of Americans are obese?

Do you point out your guests weight while you serve them what you deem an appropriate portion of whatever you think they should wanna eat? It seems to be important to you......

I would love a lecture on portion control and calorie counting while dining with a friend. What a joy....

And it's also condescending and almost downright mean to suggest that overweight people are too stupid to know why they are overweight and that they need someone to dole out their food for them to basically save them from their own ignorance.

My father in law always sat at the head of the table. Most important male guests next to him. There would be my husband as the oldest son on the opposite end. No women allowed in these seats. What a trip! Excuse the phrase but that’s what it is to me.

Where my family is from, in Brittany, on the other end of Europe, I never got the impression men, by the mere fact that they were men, were more “valuable” than women. It was pretty egalitarian.

I haven’t been able to go back for well over 30 years. I’m sure it’s all changed. Everything is so homogenized now.

Staff! Who has staff anymore. That went out years and years ago. You have to be filthy rich not just wealthy to afford full time staff.

The wealthy also would have multiple staff bring around platters of individual food items to each individual guest and the guest would take what they pleased and put it on their plate. I wonder if plating started as the cost of employing so many servants became cost prohibited.

Interesting to see a place where men sit next to men. We usually have the most important man seated to the right of the hostess and the most important woman to the right of the host. Couples are not seated together. If the dinner is not given in someone's honor, then the eldest are considered the most important.

Function, in my Googling I learned the terms silver service, where the staff person serves the individual seated at the table as opposed to butler service where the butler held the platter for the diner to serve herself. Butler service was on Sundays when regular staff had the day off, according to wiki.

And while most people don't have staff any longer, some still hire cater-waiters form formal events.

Wow. Told what to eat, how much of it you're allowed to eat, and where to sit while doing it? The tyranny of it all!!!!!

Better to stay home and feed yourself....

I didn’t mean to offend anyone and I apologize if I did.

I was agreeing with a previous post.

I was talking about my family’s customs compared to my in-laws.

Believe me, there is no way anyone could have eaten more calories than they expended. Small farms means hard work for everyone. Men, women and children as soon as they could help.

It's fascinating to see how different all of our cultures are. I would never seat myself at someone's table. It never occurred to me that someone could see this way of doing things as unusual. If any guest comes to my table I indicate where he should sit a matter of courtesy and putting the person at ease.

gardengal said "there were no qualifiers as to whether this was in a private home or anywhere else."

No? The thread is about big dinners in homes, for holidays or otherwise, and how they get food to their guests. People spoke about kitchen islands and counters, dining room tables, family style, yada yada. Miss that?

My comment quoted and was a follow on to what arcy said. Miss that?

Zalco, I don't know it is cultural or regional. I think it is more of what one is used to really. With our family, its grab a plate, fill it with what you want, grab a fork and find a seat. Sit with who you want. Go refill your plate with whatever however many times you want. It's a PARTY.

I would not be at ease nor have fun at a gathering in which I was told where to sit, SO and I not sitting together, straight back, don't let that spine TOUCH the back of the chair, and please for the love of all that was proper don't let me use the wrong fork to push the 3 spears of asparagus I was allotted around the plate,as I won't eat them.

I have heard that rule of no couples seated together before. May I ask those who follow such rules WHY!?!? I like my SO, I wanna sit by him. I really wanna know. That seems so strange.

Amy, you just made me literally laugh out loud. Thank you.

I have never once had my food plated for me at a family dinner in someone's home. I'm talking over 5 decades of family dinners, spanning multiple Northeast states, 2 sets of grandparents and multiple relatives from both sides of "my" family, then my spouse's grandparents' house, and his parents house, and also one fabulous Thanksgiving dinner at a close friend's house.

The idea is that couples being apart is more conducive to socializing and mingling when seated at a dinner table.

Formal meals at my house are family style, with guests helping one another with platters being passed around.

If the meal is more casual, like a buffet, then unless you are elderly or in need of assistance, it's as you describe. Help yourself and find a place to sit. The hostess of course will try to ensure there is someplace comfortable for everyone and introduce people who may not know one another.

Amy, have you read or own a copy of Emily Post? The answers to your questions are in there. I still use my 1950's copy when hosting.

No, I have never read Emily Post. The only time I ever hear her or her book brought up (usually) is in jest, to be honest. While I am sure she has some valuable information for some, I can't help but think her rules and regulations would be terribly outdated for most. But again, i never read it so I shouldnt speculate.

That's odd Zalco. I cannot imagine being seated with ones spouse or SO would be somehow restricting to ones ability to be social. But okay I guess. Thanks for answering my question.

This says it better than I can. From the blog Uncommon Courtesy:

I recently bought a copy of the incredibly fascinating The Rituals of Dinner by Margaret Visser, which is all about the origins of our customs surrounding dining and meals in Western culture, and I have great plans to share bits and pieces from it over time.

A tiny thing that Visser mentions is an intriguing piece of etiquette, which in my experience can be very controversial, the “rule” that at dinner parties couples (married ones, traditionally), should be split up in the seating arrangement. Previously my understanding of the reasoning for the rule was that couples talk to each other all the time and that it’s more fun for them to get to talk to other people for an evening (which, I think, is a totally fair interpretation of the rule).

However, Visser says that:

It has always been a rule of politeness that people in groups should show no favouritism. There must be no whispering in corners, no sharing of private jokes or blatant preferences for particular company; attention should be given to everyone present, as equally as possible. This is the reason why it is customary to separate engaged and married couples at table. Etiquette manuals remind us that dinner parties are for opening out towards other people; pairs or groups who do not want to do this should stay home.

Now, I’ve been to events where this was practiced, and been seated with the “outsider” (to the hosting group) spouses, and honestly, I think being separated from one’s partner really does make one stand on their own feet and have a conversation of their own rather than simply listen to their partner talk. Of course, this absolutely demands that everyone acknowledge the social contract of the dinner party to really give it your all in making conversation and trying to draw everyone in speaking distance into the conversation and not leaving anyone out. And as a somewhat anxious person (who has literally turned around at the door of an event and gone home because of nerves), I totally understand the urge to cling to the one person you know. But it really is a useful skill to be able to make “dinner party conversation” with anyone, on your own, because these situations do come up!

It should be noted that hosts also have the obligation to seriously look at their guest list and try to match up people who will have a good time talking to each other and hopefully will be able to draw useful social and business connections from the meeting. (Though the New York Times says that that particular kind of dinner party is dead and buried.)

https://uncommon-courtesy.com/2016/04/06/separating-couples-at-dinner-parties/

Oh I would absolutely hate being separated from my husband. That would be one invitation I'd never accept again. My husband would probably leave! He hates small talk even more than I do.

Sometimes we sit apart naturally at casual parties and bbq's but never "seated" at a table that way. I am glad it's outdated.

Chi, my SO would leave as well! I mean, we are not teenagers cliquing up to whisper mean things about the other kids are we???? We are adults. As an adult,I bristle against being told basic things like who I am allowed to sit with. It would be a mistake to try to separate us at an event,as SO would not care a fig about etiquette and would get up and move his chair to be next to me. If he didnt just up and suggest we leave. And I hate forced small talk. It reminds me of the play dates my mom used to force us to go on. She really really really wanted us to be best friends with certain kids. We just didnt mesh. But still, those play dates were scheduled over and over. We did our best to get along,but really wanted to be with our real friends who we knew we liked..... kinda the same thing....Or when we acted up in school and had assigned seating in the cafeteria.....

I am glad no one has tried that with us,or probably ever considered it.

Lol in my house the seating arrangement is dictated by my 6 year old granddaughter when we have family dinners. Even when it is family and friends. At a young age I had her and her sister set the table when they are here. From that she started stating where everyone was to sit. She does a pretty good job.

At the risk of beating a dead horse, it's not about people saying unkind things or being cliquish. Here is Miss Manners on the subject:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Please explain the correct way to seat couples during dinner parties. I was recently at a family event where couples were asked to sit at separate tables. This announcement drew complaints and derision from some who were offended by being told what to do (and forced to deal with their in-laws without backup.)

I think it is a wonderful idea and have since read that during formal state dinners at the White House, this tradition is maintained. Could you lend some guidance on how to entertain in the future with these same couples in mind?

GENTLE READER: It is not only at state dinners, but at any properly run dinner party that couples are seated apart from each other. This heads off the irresistible temptation to break into the telling of family stories with remarks like "No, dear, that was the second time we went there, not the first."

When Miss Manners is told of couples protesting that they can't bear to sit apart even for the length of a meal, she does not take it as evidence of marital devotion. On the contrary, it sounds mighty like distrust. If they have no social interests or skills, they can always stay home.

But you are talking about a family gathering, where everybody has heard everybody's stories, and the tensions are probably just as well known. In that case, a full seating chart, which separates not only couples but potential combatants, would be helpful.

------++++++++++

Also, this is not outdated. It's simply the rules of the road for some people. Any seated dinner party or fundraiser or wedding I attend observes this rule, and while I am middle aged, I am not ancient and do have plenty of younger friends.

PS I am not trying to convert anyone, just want to be sure the rationale for the custom is clear.

Huh!

No need for such eloquence, Louise,

When Miss Manners is told of couples protesting that they can't bear to sit apart even for the length of a meal, she does not take it as evidence of marital devotion. On the contrary, it sounds mighty like distrust. If they have no social interests or skills, they can always stay home.

Well, that's enough for me not to give a fig what Miss Manners thinks! What a rude assumption, and not very mannerly!

Luckily, the hostesses I know are gracious enough to prefer their guests be as comfortable as possible. I can't imagine suggesting someone stay home if they don't want to follow a seating chart that separates them from their spouse! I guess it depends whether you prioritize a "properly run dinner party" or your guests when hosting.

Well, I'll grab a stick and beat with you. It's not about not being able to bear being away from each other, and it's certainly not a lack of trust for heavens sake. Its about preference. We like sitting with each other and socializing together. And we prefer,as adults not children, to sit with and converse with who we please,and also avoid possible combatants. Presumably, a dinner party is meant for the fun and pleasure of the guests.

I am not sure that Miss Manners represents the accepted etiquette of modern society. I wouldn't want to go to a dinner party of hers,nor would I enjoy being bullied into sitting with people I have no inclination to sit with when my preferred companion was bullied into sitting elsewhere. I do think that is outdated. At the modern weddings I attend,the only assigned seating is the main table where the bridesmaids and groomsmen join the bride. And even THAT has gone somewhat out of style. The last 2 weddings i attended(more than 3 years ago) ,the bride and groom sat alone at the main table and everyone else(wedding party included) sat wherever they wanted. You can tell the difference in atmosphere and overall fun level between an affair in which one is told where to sit and with whom. And those that let people enjoy themselves with friends and family.

I don't think that sitting with one's partner indicates "lack of social interest or skills." That's a reach. But,tell me ahead of time that I will be given assigned seating away from SO (and probably no dessert if I didnt clean my dinner plate, and sent to bed early for not eating those 3 spears of asparagus) and we for sure will stay at home.

I am trying to convert people. That's a weird (and dumb) custom.

For decades it's been buffet only around here, yes, pass rolls (or fetch for someone), have beverages/condiments available but also for the most part the last decades is not a sit at table type meal. Primarily because of the design of the houses. My acquaintences just don't have the large formal dining rooms and the dining area in the place isn't made for larger groups. So buffet is common sense for that event. But after reading a few I was reminded of when I was growing up. We were in a small home. The dining table was set up in the living room and then it was family style. And yes we had "staff" bringing food, beverages, requests, the staff was my dear mother together with my sister and myself. The table was too small to set the platters of meats (and yes it was plural), side dishes, etc. There would be the "refill plates" on the table, restocked as needed. There still needed to be a second table or TV trays used for the kids or the ones who desired. My mother worked herself to death over these occasions but she loved doing it. She'd eat after everyone was burping. It's how it was done. How that generation was raised.

I saw no significant difference between the "socializing" aspect of the 2 possibilites, except there would be a difference when some might take their plates to another room, the basement or garage to watch TV while they ate or so they could smoke (yes, horrors! people might smoke in those days). For large groups, family style just isn't as practical most of the time. And for the socializing, come to think of it, there's much more socializing in the "sit where you can" atmosphere since you can likely see and more likely to talk to more than the ones right next to you or across the table.

Although it never happened my hubby and I wouldn't take any offense to sitting apart. We were at a Shriners ball last week and even though the couples are seated together we didn't speak often to each other. We enjoyed speaking to the other couples around us that we don't see that often or we were on our separate ways taking to people at other tables. We see each other every day it is nice to partake of fresh conversation.

It's been a long time since I've been at a truly formal dinner with place assignments, but if done well they can be a lot of fun! Done well. Done well. The hosts, when they do it well, put a lot of time and effort into inviting a group of varied people who mostly don't know each other, but whom the hosts think will enjoy each other's company. At this kind of meal, it's rude to talk across the table or talk across another guest, so you pretty much only converse with the people on either side of you. You switch during the meal. Before and after, during the milling around of drinks or coffee, small groups form and you get a chance to speak with the other guests.

We've had meals where someone carried around the dishes for people to help themselves from at the table, sometimes with hired help, others just some of the family, because the dishes were hard to pass for some reason. I work hard, when serving family style, to make sure that the serving dishes are more easily managed, though sometimes people will take it upon themselves to carry them around anyway.

I've also been to meals where the server comes around and serves you this or that. They're pretty awkward. I know some of you are so put off by plated meals that you just want to leave anyway, but to me this is the worst of all the versions because you're given the portion that would have been plated (though you can decline) but have to sit there and wait for them to get through serving everyone. The passed help yourself dishes are fine, when done casually, where 2-3 people will help themselves at each stop, rather than the formal serve from the left.

Arcy, it's bad planning to eliminate the much desired and looked forward to traditional soup! Carried in on trays with three or four bowls on each gets everybody served, even when there are three dozen guests, without mishap. Good planning is doing what works well, not surrendering to expediency.

As I've said before, I've served many ways for different menus, circumstances and numbers. I must be doing something right because they all come back to the next party. Friends come too, not just the family, though they don't go scrounging in the kitchen for themselves. :)

Absolutely, yes, the essence of good manners as a host is to make your guests feel welcome and comfortable. I can attest, however, that there's no single way to do this. There's no one right way to serve, nor one right way to seat. And for those of you who really really hate plated dishes, just ask! If you want to choose your own, I'll let you in the kitchen to choose your own. Just be aware, you're making more work for the hostess, and if you're really interested in the best manners of it, you could also just eat what you want off the plate you're presented and enjoy the company, rather than grumbling that it's not the way you like it.

ETA--maybe we have a different concept of a plated dish? As I said before, I'm not talking about plating the classic meat and three, nor a traditional Thanksgiving dinner which might be three meats, five veg and thirteen starches, each put in its own spot on the plate, and some doused with gravy. When I plate a dish it's what they call a "composed dish" on TV. Rather than this here and that there, the components are put together to make a whole out of different parts. In my experience, people who want seconds don't want another whole composed portion, just a little more veg or something like that.

Chi, speak up! Call the hostess a week ahead of time and be frank--no meat, no poultry, no chicken stock, no salt pork. Then, on the day of, quietly ask if there's anything that has stock or pork or whatever in it, and if your hostess can point out which dishes you can eat. I once had a new girlfriend of one of my regular guests come. He asked me to invite her but never mentioned that she was a vegetarian. It just so happened I'd used vegetable stock rather than chicken in a hearty veg dish, and she was lacto-ovo so could also eat a greens casserole. She was thrilled to find so many things she could eat on the table (there were other small sides that were also meatless), but I wish it hadn't been by dumb luck that I had veg stock that needed using up. If I think I might have a vegan guest, I make sure there's one good source of vegan protein, as well.

As plllog says, the essence of good manners as a host is to make your guests comfortable. Even Emily Post said "etiquette has more to do with instinctive considerations for the feelings of others rather than using the right fork".

Additionally, Ms. Post once opined that "well mannered women don't work". She then got divorced and went to work, breaking her own rule. If that had not happened, we wouldn't be able to read the 19th updated version of her book, LOL,

What works for one family may not work for another. I've attended those "assigned seating" events. Sometimes I meet someone lovely and enjoy myself immensely and sometimes I'm stuck trying to converse with someone with whom I have no interests in common, or worse. I'd much prefer to sit with Elery than with anyone they might assign me, that's why I married him, I actually like him a lot. I don't require that, but I prefer it.

I tend to be flexible, as I'm much more interested in who I'm sharing the table with than I am with the food or how it's served. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely appreciate a well prepared meal and much prefer to choose what goes on my plate, but if my hostess likes me well enough to invite me for a meal, then I'm happy. I do feel guilty, though, if I leave something there that I don't care for, it seems so wasteful to serve something that I don't eat. The result is that I just shut up and eat something I don't really care for, and that's not an ideal option either.

Annie

For many years I did a lot of entertaining: large business parties for my husbands colleagues (up to 80), our California family (15 t0 30), traditional family parties (15 - 18) and many weekend dinners for our friends of my sons friends. The large parties were served buffet style with seats indoors and out. Family traditional parties were part served and part buffet. Two weddings (200 and 100 each) were catered by my sister and her dear friends. Both are gourmet cooks and members of an international group and the dinners were a smash. They brought a 60 lb. fresh frozen king salmon and barbecued it right on the patio. Salad and sides were beautiful as well as delicious. The fish took up the entire grill!

Our family and traditional meals were a group effort. The menu was - and still is - selected by the hostess and assignments are given depending on the skills of the contributing cooks. This gives the vegetarians and fussy eaters the opportunity to prepare and bring what suits their diets and others can try their selections as well. Some times we would have place markers for each guest and other times it would be much more casual. When the kids were small, we would decorate fall leaves and then write a name of one guest and place on the salad plate. We did these meals buffet style and of course helped anyone who could not navigate with a plate in hand. Adults migrated to one table, the teens at theirs and the kids would have a kids table to everyone had a great time. Everyone felt at home and helped serve, clean up, do dishes and put the tables away at the end of the evening. It was always a treat to have a family dinner and wake up in the morning to a tidy house!

If I plan a sit down meal for guests I am not serving a smorgasbord. It's not cafeteria day. I plan the menu and I don't see the need for a huge variety of dishes other than maybe a choice of vegetables. So whether for 8 or 20 the meal is planned for enough food and can be put in more than one serving dish for easier passing. Once guests are seated I want them to stay that way, not milling around. The main course is generally pretty traditional depending on the meat being served.

Any additional foods are in the way of appetizers that served at the table not sitting around like munchies. It's how I grew up. The appetizer is a course. Liver pate, a cold fish thing, sardines, pickles, olives,radishes, salads, eggplant spread etc. There could be several courses including more than one meat course. My grandmother used to have everyone over and would be popping up and down pulling things out of the oven. That little oven was like a clown car. Out came the turkey, then maybe a veal roast, then a ham. Sometimes chops were added. It was huge food fest.

I only knew one other person like grandma. I was invited to a this Greek guy's mother's house for dinner. Just the three of us. First the appetizers including both a green and a potato type salad, then a soup, then the chicken, then the lamb chops, along with various breads, rice pilaf AND Potatoes Anna. I don't even remember dessert. I know there was oozo before and after. LOL

If I were having a large gathering where people contribute dishes then I am no longer hosting a meal so that becomes a potluck served buffet style.

At home alone DH and I plate from the stove and eat in the kitchen.

So, how many subscribe to the etiquette rule that you first converse with the person on your right but change conversation to the person on your left with the next course, back to the right for the third course, etc?

Our Thanksgiving/Christmas/Easter dinners were always served family style. My mother thought buffet style was barbaric. I have no idea why. My sister and I serve buffet style for most large-ish gatherings, except brunch. Brunch we serve plated. It is often Eggs Benedict, which lends itself best to being served plated.

Zalco, thanks for posting that information, such a lovely way to explain the importance and kindness of etiquette. I enjoy talking to others and would be quite happy to have the opportunity to sit with someone I don't know.

I have a small house. In some circles it's "cottage" sized. LOL 1000 square feet. I don't have a dining room, just a kitchen with space for a table and chairs. It's an old house built in 1959. When it was just my huband, kids and I, I always set the table for big dinners. If I was cooking a turkey dinner, I was not eating it on my lap on the couch. But now we have a daughter in law, a son in law and a grandson and my table only fits six. We need room for 8. So, it's buffet style and find a spot anywhere you like, now. I don't like it, but it is what it is and the important thing is, we all enjoy a good meal.

I remember when I was a young child they would set up a folding table (or two) in the living room of the small two bedroom apartment we lived in. (My parents slept on a convertible couch).

Back in those days Sunday was a real day off from the usual routine. Most businesses were closed. It seems every Sunday we had our extended family/friends over or we were guests at theirs. My parents would even have music playing. It was quite a festive atmosphere. My father was a chef. If only I had payed more attention!

When I was 7 my parents bought my aunt and uncle’s half of the house when they went back. At that point my parents converted the first and second floor to our new home and rented out the third floor. Then we had an actual dining room, my parents had their own bedroom we had two bathrooms. My sister and I still shared a room. My brother still had his own. Nevertheless it was quite a major change in our lives.

Raye Smith, thank you so much for your kind words. If you are in SF, I would be delighted to have a dinner in your honor! (Really)

Zalco, how kind! You're welcome, unfortunately I live a long, long way from SF.

I just realized that one of my favorite Christmas parties to attend the host invites people that mostly don't know each other, it's a fun time.

Always buffet no matter how many. On "fancy" occasions we use grandmother's china and silver. We have the table set (except for the plates) and everything looks beautiful. We are a very casual family and, like Annie said above, it's more about who is around the table rather than the food or the "fanciness."