It sounds like you've been very considerate regarding your SIL and have tried to include her whenever possible. So now you've been invited to Thanksgiving dinner at your daughter's BF's parents house. And you'll be meeting them for the first time. I think there's enough going on with that.

There's plenty of time before Thanksgiving to let your SIL know so she can make other arrangements if she chooses. You say she has close friends, so it's not like she's alone in the world. For what it's worth, I have spent Thanksgiving alone a couple of times and it was not the end of the world. Dinner might have been a bit meh but I still counted my blessings.

Ah, family dynamics can be tricky and sticky, can't they? Well, here's my take on it: You've been invited to spend Thanksgiving at the home of a third party and this really has nothing to do with your SIL. I wouldn't even bring up the subject of Thanksgiving with her (unless for some reason you feel you must), but if she asks about your plans for the day, simply tell her you've been invited to the home of new friends and leave it at that. Don't let past hurts and snubs convolute the issue; the fact remains that you're invited elsewhere for the holiday and you're well within your right to do whatever you want on the day without inviting her along. Go and enjoy the day without feeling guilty.

ETA: I agree with Terriks, in that it isn't up to you to issue an invitation to your SIL for this get-together. It would actually be poor form for you to attempt to include her, IMO.

There are people who go above and beyond to make things right for those they love. You are clearly one of those people; and I think you are being bothered by the feeling that were you closer to this SIL you might have found a way to include her. Realistically, that would be difficult even if you and SIL were BFFs. Families grow and evolve as children make their own family ties. You are not abandoning your SIL. You are doing what you must fo your daughter. I would consider getting SIL a gc for a nice Thanksgiving meal at a restaurant or hotel for her and a friend if you are very concerned about appearing to be insensitive, which you are not.

Tere, we own the building that she lives in. For whatever reason, when her husband passed about DH felt the need to take her "under his wing." She is by no means destitute. The other day my husband was fixing her computer. It took him all day! He said to me, "well at least I don't have to buy another one for $1,000. " I said, "Why would that be up to you?" And, on it goes.

Tere, I like how you put it! That is what I was looking for.

Ida and Zalco, thank you so much. I am feeling better about this.

I agree with the other comments.

I agree with Idaclaire. I wouldn't say anything until/unless she brings it up. Your daughter takes precedence and creating a family drama out of this situation isn't fair to her or her boyfriend and family.

It is sticky, but don't over complicate it. Simply say something along the lines of " John's family has invited us to join them for Thanksgiving. We know how much this means to (daughter) and we have accepted the invitation. We'll miss having you with us this year but we're glad we'll all be together at Christmas."

If you always include SIL in your Thanksgiving plans, then I wouldn't wait for her to bring it up. She might assume you'll be together, as per usual, possibly declining other invitations, and that's when it gets stickier than it need be. If it were me (and it's not), I'd want this to be out in the open and done.

To be clear, she never attended Thanksgiving with us. Her husband never wanted to so the two of them would go somewhere else. When he passed away, I was going to my sisters so I wasn't cooking. Not sure what she did. But in the past twelve years, she was invited to the boyfriend's daughter.

Going back to the convoluted part of this story where the cousin is involved, I don't know your family's dynamic, but it seems perfectly reasonable to me for the SIL to bring along her boyfriend, who was her partner at the time. It sounds a bit childish for your husband to be miffed because he wasn't included. Maybe the cousin wanted a small get together or wanted time to spend primarily with the SIL. At any rate, it is entirely the business of cousin and SIL, no matter how involved your immediate family is in assisting SIL. She was right to bring her partner.

But this is just an outside looking in opinion, so take it for what it's worth.

;)

"To be clear, she never attended Thanksgiving with us"

Well, that makes everything even easier.

^^^ it sure does. You never had TG with her before and she never invited you. Just go ahead with your plans as always. If it comes up in conversation, acknowledge that this holiday will be difficult without her bf and you are glad she has friends with who she can spend the day.

you really don’t want to get off on the wrong foot with your daughter’s BF’s family, and inviting a not so pleasant person along will not be a good start.

Good luck. I love family drama, but ive been lucky so far.

Since she never attended Thanksgiving with you there is no reason to start now. But (because I am always afraid of hurting someone’s feelings), in your next conversation with her work in that you are looking forward to having the chance to get to know DD’s boyfriend’s family when you are with them at Thanksgiving.

There is no reason to feel bad, think - how often has she invited you to her Thanksgiving?

I would not contact her an tell her she IS NOT invited. I would say nothing. If she calls, then you can tell her your plans. This is what WE'RE doing for Thanksgiving . . . . When MIL passed away, I stopped having DH's sister and her ungrateful family for holiday dinners. Suggested at Christmas that we all meet at a restaurant sometime close to Christmas but she would never set a date so we never did -- I asked her for 3 years and after that didn't ask again. I think she figured she'd have to pay for her family (which was my intention for sure) and she didn't want to. (is my thought anyway -- why would you not meet and have a holiday lunch with family?) We've been SIL free now for 9 years and it's been the happiest 9 years of holiday time in my life! Interestingly, she never calls but DOES call the week before Thanksgiving and about a week before Christmas. We chat but no invite is ever issued. I figure she is fishing because she NEVER calls us at any other time during the year.

“ Side story: SIL was invited to a cousin's house for lunch (not local). My husband felt slighted as she wound up asking the cousin if she could bring her boyfriend. My DH goes above and beyond what any brother would do. (She lives rent-free, she is on our phone plan etc.) Interestingly it's not that he wanted to particularly go, but felt it would have been nice have been thought of. I don't think the cousin would have minded and we would have brought a ton of food or offered to treat everyone for lunch. (SIL knows this about us.) . A few weeks later, DH spoke to her about it. She said that it wasn't her place to invite us. True, but she did get the BF invited.”

Sorry, it would be weirder to bring a sibling then a boyfriend to a lunch. If it was a family reunion the cousin would have invited your husband. Sometimes lunch is just lunch, not a whole family thing.

ML

I started thinking that what I said above about the cousin -- basically that the lunch between the SIL and cousin were none of your DH's business -- might've come across a bit harshly. That really wasn't my intent. I've just "been there, done that" on more than one occasion myself, and have seen instances play out among loved ones where a slight is perceived where none was intended, and situations escalated to the point where people basically no longer speak ... all because of a perceived slight. I think we really need to guard against these things. Of course, we have no control over how someone else chooses to perceive a situation, but we DO have control over the thoughts and energies that we extend to a situation, and it's to our great benefit when we decide that others are not acting out of lack of care or concern for us; in fact, many times an event or situation has nothing whatsoever to DO with us. It's a lesson I'm still grappling with, but perhaps one that you could help your DH grasp by speaking encouragingly and positively wherever he has opted to nurse hurt feelings or a grudge.

The mention of SIL living rent-free and being on your phone plan seems to speak to resentment, or at least an expectation you have of her to conduct herself in a certain way out of deference to what others do for her. Remind yourself that resentment isn't love and it's incredibly destructive -- mostly to those doing the resenting. If you/your DH want to give to SIL in any way, do so out of loving hearts and for no other reason and with no other expectation. And you don't have to "like" someone in order to love them.

I wish you and your family peace.

I know! It does seem odd if you don't know all of the backstories. SIL always has a way of manipulating an invitation for herself to the point that you actually thought it was YOUR idea! After many years, I finally caught on to this. In other words, she makes sure she is included, yet doesn't reciprocate.

My husband was upset because when she told him about the visit with the cousin, the cousin said, "We should have a family reunion." Which would basically be less than ten of us!

But it was SIL's remark that got DH upset. She told us that she told the cousin, "Oh, this IS the family reunion." Which was just the two of them, cousin's sister and BF. (With a chuckle) Instead of saying, "Yes, next time you come to me and I'll have my brother and his wife." Or, even just, "That would be a good idea."

Maddie, I agree about lunch being lunch. But, sometimes one silly thing tips the iceberg, and it doesn't make sense for outsiders.

Have you discussed this with DH?

I would just ask him...do you plan on mentioning our Thanksgiving plans with your sister. We don't want her to assume she's spending the day with us. That way she knows to make other plans.

If she has never spent Thanksgiving day with you, why would she now assume she is going to do so this year? Yes, I understand your husband is a great guy and is always looking out for his sister, but why invite hurt feelings at all? Terriks had the perfect statement. Tell her now you all have plans as a family so she can make her own. Then mention you will be in touch later about Christmas plans.

I think the reason that the OP is concerned about this TG is that it’s the first one since the SIL’s long time boyfriend passed away. Regardless she has no place at the other family’s TG gathering, unless of course you were already familiar with that family and they knew you well enough to want to include her. My brother is single, never married, no kids. However he is pretty much always invited to gatherings with my husband’s family and to gatherings with my network of loooong time friends. They all know him after all this time and include him on every invitation. Of course it helps that he is a funny and gregarious guy and is easy to be around. But I would never assume he is invited or should be if my host didn’t offer first.

Also, I don’t see it as your problem to mention it to her, that’s up to your husband as far as I can see. But if he’s the type that can’t stand not including her and will botch the job by procrastinating or by saying that he’ll get her included then you need to head that off at the pass.

Since this is a private affair with non- relatives (so far) “you” just need to casually mention it to the sister in-law so she can make other plans. Your husband sounds like a big softy like my husband. Don’t leave it to him.

I think you better mention it to her soon, before your DH invites her.

You are inviting her for Christmas, she has never had Thanksgiving with your family. Call her and ask her a made up question about Christmas, "Oh I am thinking of making butternut squash instead of sweet potatoes, what do you think?" "I know it's early, but wanted to confirm you would be with us for Christmas. Oh by the way we were invited to friends for Thanksgiving, I guess that is why I am planning my Christmas menu so early LOL"

It's not usually done to bring a guest to a new meet and greet. If you knew these people very well it wold be one thing, but you don't. Surely the sis should know this, but I feel your pain, my brother seriously lacks social skills and knowing what is considerate and inconsiderate is not his forte.

Reminds me why I don't "celebrate" Thanksgiving. It's just a meal and a day off. I hate all that gets layered on it. I want to do what's relaxing and fun, not check off all my social obligations in one weekend! Surely you will have other opportunities to entertain Sis. When I was single, I hated the long, rushed trek home and all the drama over the meal and holiday at my parents house. If I wasn't going there, I truly, truly did not want to go anywhere for Thanksgiving and particularly spend it at a house full of strangers. I kept getting asked because everyone else thought I should be going somewhere, but not me. My problem was always how to politely decline, not wrangle an invitation. I feel the same way about New Year's. If there's something fun going on I want to do, fine, and I've had some epic New Year's. But I don't feel I have to and am just as happy going to bed at my regular time with no fanfare.

If I were in this situation, I certainly would not think that your husband's sister would be going to a get together that is at your future SIL's parents house. Why would you even assume she needs to go to that?

Arkansas, I don't know why I think the way I do. that is why I come here. :)

You have received good advice. I wouldn't say anything to SIL about your Thanksgiving plans. Make sure your DH is in the loop that you cannot invite SIL to this year's dinner (totally bad etiquette). I would only offer Thanksgiving information IF SIL specifically asks. Sometimes it's best to not talk about things that don't involve others.

You have gotten some good advice here that will hopefully help make this issue manageable. And for those who say why are you even concerned since you never do Thanksgiving together anyways? I totally get your stance, Eld. I would also be concerned that she *might* feel put out. In my family, we call it "borrowing trouble"--something I do very well.

Oh, we worry warriors.

Jo

What ratherbesewing said.

It's just a meal and a day that is just so sad.

Arkansas, I don't know why I think the way I do. that is why I come here. :)

LOL, Eld. No way should you try to get her an invite. And no way you should feel responsible for her holiday, but you do. If you surmise that she assumes your house is an option, I might try to find a way to make sure she realizes it will not be ...with plenty of advance notice. Not because you have any duty to do so IMHO, but to make sure it doesn't end up that she is all alone and it is your "fault" somehow.

I'm definitely in the camp that says it's rude to try to wrangle an invitation for an additional guest. I also understand being concerned for someone who has recently lost a partner. Major holidays are especially hard for them. Perhaps you and your husband could take her out to lunch the following Saturday. If she mentions TG, you can say that you've already accepted an invitation.

I agree with mtn. I would let her know in passing conversation that you are looking forward to meeting your daughter's bf's parents. Just give her a heads up that you will not be having Thanksgiving at your home. It sounds like you guys do a great deal for her. I would in no way feel bad about it.

I can see how your husband felt slighted. He goes out of his way for her and it seems maybe she doesn't always reciprocate or maybe acknowledge how fortunate she is to have such a wonderful brother.

Good luck with everything! You are a very thoughtful and kind person!

I didn't say getting together with family and being thankful was not good, just laying on a lot of social pressure onto one day out of the year. I get together with my family every Sunday evening and am very thankful for them and the earth's bounty every single day.

Ipink, I am starting to think the same. Holidays have produced drama for me and I often am just waiting for them to be over.