If you're on HRT, that means you're seeing a gynocologist, right? I'd start there. Make an appt. with your dr. and discuss your problem, so she can see if there are any physical problems contributing to it. And then, see if she can give you a recommendation for a good counselor who is versed in the type of help you need. I'd feel a lot better, myself, if I could get a referral from a dr. I trusted, rather than picking one blindly from a list of names. I've been extremely satisfied with the dr.s (of all kinds) that my trusted family physician has recommended when I've asked.

Hope you find the help you need. Good luck.

Azzalea that is good advice.

misskittycat1, your "problem" is a very common one. Don't feel that you are alone or somehow different.

Did you know that 1 out of 4 girls have been molested?

Gayle

As far as I know, if you are on HRT, you could be "dry"? Yes, go to your gynecologist because of dryness first. She or a family Dr. should be able to recommend someone for any other help you still seek.

I come from a very abusive family, but luckily never molested. Sometimes things are hard. Get yourself all the help you can find.

Moni

Welcome Nancy, we're glad to hear from you.
I agree with starting with your gynecologist first for references. Your husband sounds very loving and supportive. You do what is right for you. Intimacy doesn't have to be sex there are many ways to enjoy each other without the 'act' itself. Just simply touching each other and giving each other pleasure is intimacy. Any time you want to unload, talk or just lurk, we're here for you. I hope you find a doctor you are comfortable with and do what is right for you.
(((((((((((((((((Nancy)))))))))))))))))))

Sounds like you have done all the right things so far, and have a good plan. Talk with your gyn. Does she know about your history? If not, please tell her (I am assuming a female gyn). Peg is so right, sex does not have to mean "penis in vagina". Sounds like your dh is a great guy, and would probably be open to alternative means of intimacy. I think you are very brave.

anette

The pain you describe is common for post-menopausal women. A low-dose estrogen cream, used daily for a few weeks, can help make things more comfortable. Any doctor can prescribe it for you.

Even one incident of sexual abuse can affect a person's viewpoint on life, self-worth, trust and so on. With your history of trauma related to intimacy, please do seek out psychological counseling as soon as possible.

Why wait? Pick a doctor from the list they gave you -- if you don't feel comfortable with that person, you can always request a change.

Nancy, I think therapy can help a whole lot. And with problems that you're describing, a woman friend probably isn't going to be able to help you as much as a therapist could. Ditto on the church pastor.

I went to a Christian counselor for a time and he helped a little, but when I started seeing a licensed psychologist/therapist, he changed my life and taught me how to see things in a new light and make better choices and move forward in my life.

It sounds like you've already made many good choices and it sounds like your husband is a real gem. You're doing good and I think a therapist will help you do even better.

On the other issue, I hope this doesn't sound trite, because I am most sincere, but speaking as a post-menopausal woman, I've found that drinking a LOT of water can help prevent dryness. When a woman's body gets dehydrated, it get dehydrated *all* over.

Rose

Oh, thank you all so much for your kind responses! Yes, I've discussed this at great length with my gyn and she prescribed an HRT that is inserted that specifically targets the dryness. She also recommended counciling (and vaginal dialation (sp?)), and I have followed through with the counciling but they all have been pastors and I feel like it's not as effective as I would've liked it to be. And you're right, it's really a common issue and I shouldn't feel so uncomfortable about bringing it up, especially in a 'faceless' setting... I feel more desperate than brave, but thank you Anette, and thank you ((((Peg)))) for the hug. You're so right about my husband, he's a precious gem, and deserves so much better... Thank you (((all))), I feel better and I'm going to get up and make some calls and see what I can find out. I want to, when I call, talk some to the receptionist and find out a little about the Dr. before I make an appointment. I'll look til I find one that I'm comfortable with. Thank you again, this has been very encouraging and comforting. I'll keep you posted with it all. Nancy

Please do keep us posted. We care about you Nancy.

Some therapists are very good. Find one that specializes in sexual abuse, there are plenty. Good luck to you!

As a person who's BTDT to an extent---there I've just surprised a lot of people on this board haven't I (Uncle, father and Grandfather)you need to call the therapist..start with the first, tell them you need a therapist that deals specifically with sexual abuse. If they don't have one then go to the next group, or if the wait is too long go to the next group. You need one who specialises in sexual abuse. There are different kinds correctly...LICSW (Licensed Social Worker) Psycologst, Psychiatrist. So which do you need. Psychiatrist are ones that can prescribe meds, if you need antidepressants, you can get those from your GP, so unless you have deeper mental illness, you probably do NOT need Psychiatrist. As far as the rest go, there is NOT MUCH DIFFERENCE. (and each will argue that there is, I studied to be a psychologist, there is yes, but also there is not). If they suggest you also join a support group, please do. The more you find you are not alone, the better. Many of us "survived" childhood sexual abuse. Some of us conquered it....meaning were able to stop the cycle from happening to our children. But it has to be dealt with. Don't be surprised if the feeling come back. It is not an easy road your choosing to go on, but believe me it is one well worth taking!!!

Vickey-mn

Thank you, Peg, that's so sweet and thoughtful and means a lot. I sure will... Vickey, what is BTDT? And you're right about the cycle, my daughter is married (5 years) to an abusive person, I refuse to even call him a man... I know this has to be brought up and dealt with, I just can't seem to find the right starting place. I think I'm in denial about getting started as well. sigh... OK, thank you all again. Nancy

I think BTDT is internet shorthand for "been there, done that." (I still have to think awhile to figure out some of them - DGGD had me stumped the other day.)

Vickey makes a good point that it's best to find a counselor knowledgeable about that specific problem, and that a support group could be helpful.

The hardest part is to make that first appointment -- you can do it!

You're right Petaloid! The hardest part was making that appointment. (Well, what IS DGGD already?!)
I fiddle-f*rted around until 4 and finally called and will be there Wednesday afternoon. My husband even took me to the office to make sure I know how to get there Wednesday - it's in the next town. I also talked a good bit to the receptionist and I am satisfied with the Dr. So thanks again, everybody, you've been so kind and thoughtful, and I'll update you about it Wednesday night or Thurday morning.

Good for you. I was going to suggest that a Pastor is very good for much advice but not necessarily for this. My gyno and his wife are a team. They have writen books answering many questions and will give therapy to all who ask, I hope you find someone who you can trust and open up to

Please keep us posted. It is so wonderful that your husband is so understanding.
ivamae

Good for you, Nancy. You made that appointment and I feel certain it will go well.

(DGGD = Dear Great-Grand-Daughter)

After I made the call, I was overcome with a fit of silliness! I think I'm more relieved than anything at this point, that at least I've made the first step. Thank you all so much. The support that I've felt as I've (rather tearfully) read your replies has been inspiring at the very least... And thanks for the warm welcome, I've wanted to post these questions for a long time, but I always chickened out...
He really is wonderful, Ivamae, I can't believe it sometimes. For the first few years that we were married, I watched him like a hawk, waiting for him to lose his temper or slip up somehow. But he never has and it'll soon be 18 years. He a perfect gentleman and an answer to all my prayers.
Oh, that's what it (DGGD) means! Thanks Petaloid.
OK, I'll be posting soon with the details. Bless you all, Nancy

There you go, an example of your bravery. Taking that first step is the scariest experience. Remember, if this therapist is not quite the right fit, keep looking.

anette

BTDT does mean Been There Done That. I too was a victim of Sexual Abuse as a child. Therapy was about 2 years. NOT FUN, but necessary. Some times you will not want to go to counceling. Other times you will be in a "I can't wait to go I need help with this" kind of mood. You will run a gammot of emotions. I helped a friend through her counseling, and at one time we had to get to her house quickly and remove all the guns, she was so angry she wanted to kill the persons who'd abused her (She realized it and called us rather than acting first, thank God).

Feel free to E-mail me if you need to talk to someone who knows what you're going through.

Vickey-MN

Thanks Anette, and I'll remember what you said. Believe me, the last pastor/councilor I went to was rude to me the last 2 times that I went so I didn't go back and didn't make another appointment. And it wasn't free either!
Thanks Vickey. 2 years? Wow, I didn't think it would take that long but I've got to see this through all the way to the end, and will. And if I really need to, I will email you. I still feel so happy about this, it's kinda strange. I believe this is gonna be good. Thank you all again so much, I know that I wouldn't have made the appointment without your support and advice. Bless you all, Nancy

Way to go Nancy for making that appointment. Don't be shy to take up any offers if you reach a point when your ready to talk and would like someone who understands, like Vickey has offered.
They'll be no stopping you now to the road to recovery.
You go girl!
LOL

WooHoo! Doin' the happy dance!

Nancy,

First, I want to express my deep regret that some (quite a number) of men have such an aggressive streak, willing to oppress others, and be invasive. Not respecting the other person's space and right to make decisions about their own actions, and respectig such decisions.

After all that you've been through, including a bad experience in your first marriage, it must have taken a lot of courage to have married again, and I'm very thankful that you chose someone who's been so supportive, helpful and understanding.

It took a good deal of courage to have come here to share your story - thank you for that.

I am surprised that your gyn didn't refer you to other than clergy people - did you request that and s/he didn't have such a reference?

I do hope that your experience with the cousellor is a fruitful one, and happy along the way.

As for anti-depressants ... don't a lot of them cause dryness in the mouth? If so, quite likely in other important areas, as well?

(((((Nancy)))))

ole not-so-joyful

What an unexpected pleasure to have your response, Mr. OJ! I've read so many of your posts and developed a great deal of respect and affection for you, so this is an additional honor. All of the replies have been just awesome... ((((OJ))))
Well, here's the true story about my remarriage. After the first one left, I began to pray and what I said to Him was, "Since my judgement is obviously so bad, IF I ever get married again, You'll have to send him to me because I will not (and didn't!) look for another husband again, and You'll have to make sure that I know he's 'The One' that You've sent for me, and here's a list of all the things that I want in a husband." And He sent Mr. Perfect. God's very own gift, picked out just for me. AND he's everything on the list, and then some... So truthfully, it wasn't courage on my part, it was just obedience. And when a friend of mine asked me (8 years after the first one left! I was 30 by then) if I wanted to meet her BIL, I knew (before I even laid an eyeball on him) he was 'The One' and we're still living happily ever after 17 years later - except for this mess in me. And my gyn said I needed counciling, but being cheap -er- thrifty, I went to my pastor and after some talking/prayer, which was good but not enough, he sent me/us to 2 other pastor/councilors over the next few years. Also some council/prayer with my pastor's wife, which has been the most fruitful. I have been on antidepressants on and off for years, mainly since my mom's death, but a few years ago I asked God to help me get off and stay off of them, and He has. I do think they cause dryness though. I really think the dryness/pain is about the issues that want to re-surface. But I dunno... I can't wait to see the Dr. and get to the bottom of all of this, I've searched and prayed for answers since I reached adulthood and have heard few and I believe this will be a pivot of sorts for me and my family - kids and grandsugars. So thanks again Mr. OJ, I hope I've answered everything, and when you think about it, will you pray for us? I know He is faithful to hear and answer us. With much respect, Nancy

I was asking questions for you to think of and answer within yourself, not necessarily to share with me/us here.

I'm sending good thoughts and hopes/trust that there will be effective healing, whether it happens quickly or takes a while.

And some prayers, as well - for you, and for your therapist, that s/he may be perceptive, wise and empathetic, plus that the relationship between you may be not only fruitful, but a happy one, as well.

Good wishes as you set out on this journey/adventure.

ole joyful

Yes, I feel the same way, thanks. Nancy