So, turns out he has an adult son. And grandkids!

6 years ago

I've known my husband for 15 years, we've been married almost 9 years now. We have a great big age gap between us, he is older, but it has never been an issue at all. We've always been very proud of how we have no secrets, how we're best friends, how we tell each other everything, etc. He's been married twice before, I know all about his exes, I'm even Fb friends with one of them. We decided not to have children, which I was always fine with, and I'm getting up there in years anyway lol About five months ago he blurts out that the DNA kit I gave him for Xmas came back and he found the son he gave away for adoption when he was married to his first wife. It hit me so hard that I honestly thought he was joking, bizarre idea of a joke, but sure. I just could not get it in my brain that my husband, MY husband, was not just my husband anymore. He's a father and a grandfather. W.T.F. Intellectually I am happy for him, I don't judge him at all for placing the boy up for adoption, he turned out great, loving family, his life, wife and his kids are damn near perfect, and I'm very happy and can't wait to truly welcome them into our family. Intellectually. Emotionally, my heart is still very bruised from my husband keeping this GINORMOUS secret from me. And from the fact that I literally have no choice but to welcome these strangers into our family, because I love my husband and because his son and his family are not to blame for anything or to be punished for any of this. My husband is beside himself happy, they message everyday, he starts every day looking at their FB pages as they post a LOT about their kids and such, spends a lot of time trying to see himself in physical and personality traits, not just his son but his grandkids as well. Sometimes I get a little sarcastic and little comments just slip out, like today he was praising his 14 yo granddaughter's outfit, cause she wore a pink tshirt AND pink sneakers, so she's a beautiful fashionista. Uhh what? And yes, I know I'm looking at all of this through my bitter colored glasses but... I really want to evolve into the educated, progressive human being I know I am, but damn it's taking a little time. Any similar situations out there, or any wisdom?

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Comments (3)

sushipup1
6 years ago
I think you need to get counseling. Seriously.
Kim Aves
6 years ago
First of all, you have a right to feel the way you do. You married a man thinking he had no children. Now, you find out in a quite shockingly way that he does. You found out that he had an adult child along with gkids to boot. Very happy for him, of course. But, very different for you. You have a lot to deal with right now. You know. There’s this big secret you never knew about. Doesn’t matter what the secret was or that it supposedly has a happy ending. Everything happy, happy, joy, joy, but what about you? You had a marriage that involved two people and now overnight it appears to be involving 3+. You had no choice in this.

Oh, I know people will think that you are supposed to suck it up and take it, be happy for them, how can you be so-o selfish, etc. As SMs we get that all the time, and as a SM, I couldn’t imagine trying to adjust to all of that overnight, pretty much literally. For the most part too, you’re expected to just sit quietly off to the side and be invisible whenever any children, exes, etc. from the initial family are around. As you are find out already somewhat via facebook.

It is very, very difficult for a SM to say anything even remotely critical about her SKs without getting her butt kicked. And that is why you came here, I’m sure, looking for input from other SMs.

Plus, I’m sure it doesn’t help that you purchased this DNA kit. It probably feels almost like you introduced your husband to the woman that he came to cheat with you on. And, that is probably how you kind’a feel right now—like someone else has taken your husband way from you. Again, it doesn’t matter the reason, which certainly appears to be more so good in this case. It just matters that that is the way you feel, and somewhat the way you are being treat right now. Long-lost son is the priority.

I’ve posted all of this to let you know that there are people out there who know how you feel, and to let you know that you have the right to feel the way you do. However, your situation is very complicated, very. So, I would suggest that you see a counselor, by yourself at first, well experienced in blended family counseling, and make sure that counselor validates you. Don’t put up with a counselor who tries to imply you just need to suck it up and take. Find a counselor who capable of assisting you with all of these mixed feelings and offers real-life, applicable suggestions.

Keep in mind, too, right now everything is new for them and they are trying to make up for lost time. This is not all that uncommon when long lost loves meet. However, eventually reality sets in, and this usually slows down. His son’s wife, for example, may feel somewhat the same way you do—like out of the blue, here is something that is taking her husband away from her.

OP, take care, and best of luck to you!
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Thank you for the encouragement, colleenoz. You are right...I am not crazy, just very, very concerned. No woman I have ever met would do what she has done. Living in the closet. Hating his Mom and family. Turning him into a person on welfare when it was not necessary for him to survive...he had a home, just didn't want to follow the few rules and try to grow up a bit to carry his weight. If he had met someone nice and young, he wouldv'e not been embarrassed to introduce her to me and I would be involved in their lives. He would be planning college or a job rather than where his next meal is coming from. My Ex is out for one thing...revenge. He wants to make me hurt...badly. I am not being self absorbed here. I think that this is really true. I will briefly explain: Our breakup was due to spousal abuse and I thru him in jail after hitting me one time! Then, it was out the door. He left me with two kids and no money as he had moved it all into his name. I was 'in love' and didn't pay attention thinking we were a team and he would never hurt me or the kids. I was on my feet after a year, but that was 8 years ago, my son has been raised with me, my ex had to go to AA to stop drinking and had to give up his porn. Heaven forbid...I embarrassed him! But I also made sure, after he was clean, that his boy had a relationship with him. He has already turned his back on his other son from his first marriage (something unknown to me before marrying him!). I think I am going to call adult protective services..... I think my son can talk his way through them but I will try to instill what has happened to them. Maybe they will see what I and all my doctors see...a preditor. Wish me luck and pray for us please, everyone!!
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Sylvia Gordon
6 years ago
It sounds like you're focusing on the other human beings here, when the real issue or problem or cause for outrage is the fact that your husband not only lied by omission but now seems ecstatically in love with his newfound family and oblivious to your feelings.

Blame him, hold him accountable, whip his butt, and maybe indeed get some counseling, but do it with a couples therapist.

So, turns out he has an adult son. And grandkids!

Comments (3)

sushipup1

Kim Aves

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