Hi, Nbee - I think you should just give it some time. Think of the changes in his life; he's only 3, and his world has been disrupted. You didn't say how long your boyfriend has been divorced, but this little guy has experienced Dad leaving, going back and forth from Mom's to Dad's and vice-versa, and having a new person living at Dad's house. Did you spend time letting the kids get to know you and accept you before you moved in? 5 months is short (IMO) to move in with someone and expect little ones to "get it" and accept you. Fortunately the 5 year old does; I hope that continues. It's great that you care and are trying to form a relationship with the 3 year old, but don't force it. Remember, too, that you're only 5 months into this relationship with your boyfriend (don't know how long you've lived with him). Think of the additional upheaval on the kids should your relationship go bad and you move out. If they come to love you, that'll be yet another loss for them. I wish you the best. Just go easy, understand his life, and give him time. Suzieque

Gardenfrog, Often I read where someone has advised someone contemplating divorce to consider "Am I better off with him or without him" and I think it is an extremely simplistic and shallow thought process, to base "your life" (and the lives of your children on). Marriage with children (and all that encompasses) is far more complicated than that, and the LONG TERM consequences to that decision will be felt for "years" by everyone involved. You may solve certain problems by leaving, but you may gain problems you had not even thought of, as one or both of you re-marry and step mom's and step dad's are now in the family picture, and all that encompasses, with these new people now parenting your children. If you do not have children, obviously it is a decision then that would only affect the two of you. You stated that you really do not want to leave. Build on that. Tell him that you are going to meet with a counselor. He can choose to go (or not). If he chooses to not attend, then you will assume he has no interest in helping to save this marriage. That you are willing to do what you can to try and make this marriage a happy one for BOTH of you. But that you cannot do it alone. If you are unhappy, tell him that. Ask him if he wants to save your marriage. Ask him what he is willing to do. Ask him what he needs from you. Can the two of you somehow turn this marriage around? Often, when married couples try and discuss problems, men often tune her out, and just see it as nagging or blah, blah, blah - or they argue in ways that solve nothing and is unhealthy for the marriage. A counselor should be trained to help each of you to see the other person's viewpoint, and can be great in mediating the issues between you and help you BOTH get to a happier place in your marriage. And last, is your husband experiencing depression that he needs to be treated for? Could you help him get a new look to get excited about his appearance again?

I have been involved with this woman now for 5 years. After 4 years I broke up with her because her ex husband was stalking me and impersonated a sales man to talk to my children to get information, among other things. Also he poisoned his kids to not accept me which made things very difficult for us. She was very depressed, so I decided to break up the relationship because this was the right thing to do at that time. Giving her time to build her relationship back with her children and family. I know I hurt her immensely, but at that time I thought it was the good thing to do. She called me back after a week and tried to win my heart back and told me she loved me and only wanted me. I told her that we should be friends for now. However, after a couple of weeks of seeing each other every day, I started to feel that our relationship was worth fighting for; I told her I love her too. We were doing everything together, dinners, movies, dancing and we were intimate. But later I found out that she was chatting online with someone from a dating site for 10 weeks. During that time she was trying to win my heart back which she did About 7 weeks before this. She kept me a secrete from all her friends, but she was telling all her friends about the guy she was chatting with and wanted to go see him. Her friends told her to wait because it may be dangerous. So she continued her affair and became emotionally attached. After spending a long weekend with me she decided to tell the other guy that she is getting back with me. Then she told me about it. But, when she told her friends that she was back with me they all told her to dump me. So she started to treat me very badly and did not get rid of the contact of the other guy on MSN. She was waiting for him to reply back to her because he said he wanted to be friends. The problem is she lied about the whole thing. She told me that she chatted with him only 5 times. But I found out the truth. That she was using me as a crutch to move on. She lied, denied and manipulated her way into my home with her kids. Now I feel betrayed. What should I do? I feel she picked me second. She told me 2 months after she got rid of the contact that if she gave the other guy a chance it would of worked out. That hurt. She new me for 4 years and she never even met this person. Now she tells me she loves me very much.

Love - You said "He said fine, he would have to leave work early, didn't want to "inconvenience me" yada yada." and "I asked him what made him say that and he just said "well, I can't leave work early today." WOW. So I guess in his MAN MIND that is his way of acknowleding that I wouldn't do it." The way I see it is this was his way of making you feel guilty for being a SAHM, but unwilling to help him out with his kid. Don't give in!!!! Be strong in that HE needs to do what HE needs to do for HIS kid, and it wouldn't have to be this way if the (in the words of Sweeby) bat-sh*t crazy b*tch hadn't come in your home and punched you. Pseudo said "....I guess my point was if he puts BM before you ... if you had a child with him where would he draw the line ...." This is totally what I have been thinking for a few months now, but could never get the courage up to say anything. Where will he draw the line? Your DD has already been subjected to so much from this woman, and he's not even her father! How much would he put a child of his own through? Example: my friend has a DD with her DH who has 2 DDs with a crazy BM. The DH is a SAHD to the little one (DD with my friend) and would take her with him to pick up the other DDs on his weekend. It became a habit that the BM wouldn't be home at p/u time and wouldn't answer her phone. He would wait around for them to return (afraid that if he left he wouldn't get to see his DDs). One time, the little DD was in the car and carseat for 4 hours while he tried to track them down and waited for them. 4 hours! My friend finally said "You can wait around for 4 hours if you want, but you will not have MY daughter sitting in a carseat for 4 hours while you sit in your car outside their home." Basically, he had no problems putting BM ahead of his new DD. Remember...the squeaky wheel gets the grease. You just have to start squeaking louder than her. Jupiter said "I think that they need to see their ex's as good mothers (even when they clearly are not) maybe to somehow reassure themselves for when they are with her." So, so, so, true. My DH knows BM is a back-stabbing liar. But then he says stuff like "well, BM says it's SD's decision and she asks her all the time if she wants to visit". So why would he believe that one statement when he's caught her in so may lies before? The only thing that makes sense is he NEEDS to believe she's a good mother. Jupiter also said "I too run into arguments where he lets her slide on things that he wouldn't with me..I try to give him the example that if it was anyone else in his life he would have told them to go to h#$% because normally in life you don't do favors for people who don't do for you let alone someone who puts him down as a father..." and Love said "But it just totally goes against DH's overall nature, which is so frustrating." This is the issue. Which personality is the REAL one? I have this same problem with DH and I'm starting to think the way he is with HER is his personality when he's vulnerable and that scares the crap out of me because I guess I rarely ever see him vulnerable. I agree with FD. When I am flexible and accommodating with X, it is usually in the best interest of DS, and I do the work. I rarely (if ever) ask DH to do anything for DS, although he would be willing, because I feel like DS is my sole responsibility since I am the parent.