That's wonderful of you even if it is a lot of work. I've never lived in the same state with any of my relative's graves and I don't know where a cemetery is around where I live.

Every Memorial Day weekend, my father would cut peonies and tea roses from our garden, put them in big pots of water, and drive them 4 hours to the two cemeteries where all his relatives were buried. He also took vases and put fresh flowers on all the graves. Since he was the youngest of 10 children and his parents also came from large families, this was quite an undertaking!

My parents are buried in Fayetteville AR, a 9 hour drive from me. Every Memorial Day, I feel guilty about not visiting their graves and taking flowers. Of course, their cemetery now does not allow fresh flowers so they would be those heinous artificial ones one sees in small town cemeteries these days. I still feel guilty but I just cannot do that drive.

The two that I visit one removes all plantings a week after Memorial Day. The other one does allow plantings but most are mowed sometime in June. Will visit on the real Memorial day unless it is raining. Some days should be traditional not just an excuse for a three day weekend.

While reading through the comments and thinking about my own habits - I've never visited graves of my parents or other deceased relatives - and it occurred to me something seemed off. So I looked it up.

Memorial Day is to commemorate those who died on active duty while serving in the US Armed Forces. It has nothing to do with generic remembrances of deceased relatives who died as civilians.

I was just thinking the same thing, Elmer, as I was reading through the posts.

I read the posts thinking some people have a lot of deceased military relatives.

Both of my parents served in the military and neither is entitled to be honored on Memorial Day because each died as a civilian, many decades after their active duty service ended.

I think the idea of decorating graves with growing flowers started long before there was a memorial day and the use of cut flowers and a certain day other than perhaps All Hollows Eve was more recent. This article is about Wales practices but it should have been followed in other areas. https://sublimewales.wordpress.com/material-culture/buildings/churchyards/flowers-on-graves/flowers-on-graves-in-england/

Now I recall this was same reaction I got last year when I posted about decorating on Memorial Day. All I can say is, that it is and has always been a tradition in my small town and other towns and cities in the surrounding area. I grew up with it. Seems normal to me. I guess it's for remembrance.

Flags are also placed on all the graves of veterans of all wars. A service is held in the morning - on Monday, not Thursday. I would bet it was on the actual Memorial Day when I was a kid, just don't remember. There is a roll call of names of every veteran buried in the cemetery and in which war he/she fought. Then a group of veterans fire guns as a salute, but I don't remember how many times, then taps is played. People take it very seriously and the service is very moving. Entire families come and there is socializing afterwards and then people walk through the cemetery looking at the graves. That's how it's done in the town I grew up in. Not sure how it is done in other places.

maifleur, the article in Wikipedia suggests that in the US it's a federal holiday that's mainly had a military significance for fallen soldiers. If you disagree, you should change it - that's how Wikipedia works (and also why it's only a so-so source until changes have had enough reviews). By contrast, Wordpress (which is where the article you linked to is) is merely a host for blogs. Anyone can say anything there and there's no review or need to source what's said.

Wikipedia article on Memorial Day

I've always understood it as a day for fallen military and showing gratitude for all military. I'll add it is great day for any one who wants to visit the grave of any family member or friend. Any day is a good day for both.

Someone forgets that many people in the US are emigrants or descendants of emigrants that brought their own customs with them including decorating their ancestors graves with flowers and other things. Everything that we do in this country is not just because someone named a day and declared that will be it. The article I linked explained that in Wales people used flowers and greenery to decorate graves much before than the 1868 date declared for soldiers. People were decorating all of the graves not just the soldiers graves.

Our town has a day (this morning, actually) where townsfolk who wish go to the war memorials that list names, and to the graveyards holding veterans, and plant geraniums and flags by the tombstones of veterans. I went last year and this morning (though I had to leave before we visited all the graveyards).

The town mows the graveyards at least a day before this event that's on the town calendar. And no, they don't mow down the geraniums after the plantings... those live until fall weather takes that sort of toll. (We are rural enough that ANYONE can plant flowers of reasonable size by their beloveds' graves.)

A fair number of people turn out for this.

I'm new to town - none of the buried are relatives or anyone I know/knew. But I turn out for the town, and for the memorial.

In the graveyards, no, they didn't die in active duty, typically - but they served, so there is absolutely no reason why they can't be remembered as well. Besides, if we wait for Veteran's Day, those geraniums aren't going to be doing anything, and there's a good chance everyone will be trudging through snow. Not really optimal for elderly participants.

" Someone forgets that many people in the US are emigrants or descendants of emigrants that brought their own customs with them including decorating their ancestors graves with flowers and other things. Everything that we do in this country is not just because someone named a day and declared that will be it. "

maifleur, don't most cultural traditions of immigrant ancestors usually fade in a generation or two, and if not most completely in three? That's my experience. You may live in a more traditional area than I do but assimilation is what I see. I honestly don't know anyone who goes to a cemetery for this "holiday". Everyone has different traditions, or some no traditions, it's all good. But don't alter the basis for a particular federal observance to correspond to one particular misunderstanding or another, it is what it is.

" I've always understood it as a day for fallen military and showing gratitude for all military. "

The day for showing gratitude to former military people is Veterans' Day.

ANY day of the year is a good day to honor the military, veterans, and deceased family members and friends, if one is so inclined. I cannot believe how rigid some people are in their thinking. Holidays and actions done in the memory of others are for the living; the deceased don't care. Many people think Memorial Day is for taking dune buggies out to the desert. If someone wants to make this long weekend the time they go to dress up the gravesites of those that have passed, whether family, friends or military that have died no matter the individual circumstances, it is very presumptuous to claim their thinking is somehow "off" because that is what they have chosen to do during this weekend.

Too bad Elmer that you know no one that does this. However in many parts of the country laying flowers on loved ones graves is still alive. You might want to visit the Southwest outside of big cities at this time of the year and November 1 to see how families decorate the family graves sometime in the future. The Midwest and East also decorate family plots but not as much as.

Edited to add that some still only visit cemeteries on May 30th.

Pretty soon the tradition of flowers on graves of nonmilitary people will be over. My mother and her sisters made the trek to their parents' graves every Memorial day and they never served in the military. I never visit my parents/ grandparents or any other relatives graves.

I have only one known relative who has a grave. That would be my grandfather. I am not certain but I think it was only because the church did not allow cremation at the time. Or maybe it was his wish. My grandmother wanted to be cremated and have her ashes placed in his grave site. Her wish was granted. All other family members following have chosen cremation and having their ashes scattered. The last service was for my mother and it was for close family only. My dad didn't want any services although he had prepaid for them with cremation and my mother-in-law went with Neptune Society. Many people are becoming more practical in my area. Spending 1000s of dollars for funerals is generally done by the ones who can least afford them due to cultural and religious practices. I know a lot of people who have family prepaid grave sites to unload and have difficulty selling them even in "active" cemeteries. They end up selling them to a broker for pennies on the dollar value.

As of 2018 cremation outpaced burial in the US by around 53% - 47% if the articles I've read are correct.

My late husband and both his parents were cremated. So was my mother. All have graves, with markers, where their ashes are buried. We also scattered a few of my husband’s over Katama Bay on the Vineyard. The same will be done for me. My church also has a garden with a lovely wall, in which ashes may repose. Not everyone who is cremated forgoes a marker and burial of the ashes. The US Navy provided my husbad’s marker - part of his retirement benefits,

WOW people, just wow. KUDOS to those who year after year take the time to visit and decorate graves!! Remembrance Day began in the Civil War. Not a war I think one should be proud to have happened at all but unfortunately it had to be fought. I think it is perfectly fitting for the holiday to have morphed into remembering ALL OUR DECEASED. Fortunately being Roman Catholic we set aside all of November for this. Growing up in the military and far from things like cemeteries this tradition of visiting graves did not come to me until adulthood. It is something I will never have the opportunity to do, as my relatives are all far and scattered. Thank you to those who take the extra time. Your time and efforts are appreciated!!!

Wow...God forbid we celebrate for the wrong reason, or the wrong people!

I know...why don't we take a couple of months and debate whether or not

anyone should do anything ever for remembrance! We could change the

name to "Don't bother me Day...I'm too important".

Amen to gyr_falcon..... and those of you who care.

There is a difference. Military.com, It's Time You Know the Difference, offers a simple, clear explanation.

Of course you can do what you wish. If you want to eat brats and drink beer, do it. It won't change the true meaning of Memorial Day or Veteran's Day.

Or go buy linens at the Memorial Day Sale!

Ask a 6 year old and he'll tell you it's the day swimming pools open.

In most of the east and midwest of our country, winter turns to spring in the April timeframe. By May, flowers are blooming and the summer growing season is started. What more natural time to clean up a cemetery, and leave flowers on graves, than now, for those of us in this weather pattern?

Both my parents and DH's parents moved away from their family, so I've never personally participated in grave decoration on this holiday or any day. Kind of sad, but I don't think my ancestors mind. Things change.

edited to add: thank you Michael for that article. Although hearts are in the right place, getting the details right is not our strong point.

My mother lived from about 1908 - 1918 in a small community in rural Rhode Island. Her parents settled there to get out of NYC and to await the deaths of her grandmother and uncle from TB. She and her parents stayed on until she had gone as far as she could in the one-room school.

The Remembrance Day custom there was for families to arrive at the cemetery early in the morning, bearing flowers. The town's veterans attended in whatever uniform they'd retained. At the cemetery gate, the youngest girl would be paired with the oldest veteran, and so on down the line. The pairs would proceed into the cemetery to decorate the flag-market graves of veterans -- mostly men who had served in the Revolutionary and Civil wars at that time. My mother remembered pairing with men missing arms, legs, eyes. Her father also took part, as a (non-combat) veteran of the Spanish American war.

I've always thought that this was such a good way to provide new generations a personal understanding of the sacrifices made by others to sustain the freedoms we enjoy.

You don't have to have seen combat, bled, or lost limbs to have sacrificed years of your life to military service. Without the draft, the sacrifice is at least officially voluntary today, but not without considerable meaning to us as a republic.

I agree that the time families visit and decorate graves is probably ending and sadly also the end of tombstones. I love visiting old cemeteries and really looking at and reading what is on the stones. There is one near Chicago where there are many notables buried that has some of the most interesting markers. I say markers because one for the person who established sending mail via rail appeared to be a tree with railcars going through it. When I stepped back I realized that included in the tree were roots anchoring it. Because of soil washing away I could tell that some of the root sections were not attached to the main body. Sooner or later as seen in many towns those cemeteries will be leveled and things built on them.

One of the popular parks in this area requested several years ago that people stop spreading ashes in the park because it was so dry that year the ashes were creating a problem for people walking in the grass raising a cloud of the ash.

When I checked at the cemetery my husband is buried at a vault was required for all burials including ashes. He wanted me buried on top of him as they do at military cemeteries but not allowed at that one. Easy for me to suggest I be cremated and simply tossed on or a hole dug by family.

Many people have their ashes buried in a plot (shared?) and have a headstone installed. Nephew is working on that for his mom.

Memorial Day is for military sacrifice. Sorry I disagree?

Memorial Day is an American holiday, observed on the last Monday of May, honoring the men and women who died while serving in the U.S. military.

Veterans Day is a U.S. legal holiday dedicated to American veterans of all wars.

This was something understood by every school aged child in the 40s/50s and 60s. I can't believe people are debating this. But we live in an age of rewriting history. Doesn't fit the agenda? Well change it. Who cares? In a hundred years there will be no American history left. Only the fables that people choose to promote. So sad we as a nation have come to this.

https://www.history.com/topics/holidays/memorial-day-history

We hosted 6 of our Canadian relatives over the Memorial Day weekend. After our group visit to the National Veterans Memorial and Museum there was a lively discussion about citizens from USA & Canada misunderstanding/misrepresenting the true meaning of our Memorial Day, their Remembrance Day.

The National Veterans Memorial and
Museum began with a vision from the late Senator John Glenn (1921-2016),
Colonel, USMC (Retired), who understood the pressing need to carefully
preserve not only the names, dates, and battles but the intimate
memories, personal belongings and painful losses of our nation's
veterans. His vision is now the guiding principle for the institution he
inspired.

These four foundational pillars are to:

• Honor Americans’ contributions to our country through military service
• Connect civilians with veterans and their experience
• Inspire visitors to serve their community and nation as active engaged citizens
• Educate schoolchildren about the history and value of service

Yes watchme, of course.

After WWI, and more so after WWII, there were many communities and families who had lost close family members/friends, often people well known in their areas. Here's my speculation: the smaller the community, the greater the percentage of the population knew them. I suspect Memorial Day in such places was more meaningful and well attended as a community tribute to those known and lost. Different from larger communities where outside of family members, community familiarity with fallen soldiers was limited or maybe even non-existent. In smaller communities, the tributes were specific, where as in cities, for instance, they were more generic.

Over the years, the remembrance events specifically for known persons killed in combat waned as those with such familiarity died or moved away. The Memorial Day events in these smaller communities continued and morphed into more generic events for the departed, less by those with memories of those lost in combat and more as a day for the dead.

The original origin and purpose of the day are unchanged by local traditions. As time passes, individual familiarity of individuals killed in combat has surely plummeted. While at one time (especially in the 40s and 50s) most people personally knew one or more fallen troops, especially those who served with them, I'd guess today very few do.

I'm confused. Are some here irritated or offended that Memorial Day has been adopted by generations of families as a day to visit and tend to their deceased loved ones' graves?

I'm pretty sure that most understand it to be a Federal holiday designated to honor those who those who died while in service to this country. But it has become much more than that for millions of us.

Many would schedule family reunions around Memorial Day. It's a perfect to enjoy the parades, the outdoor concerts featuring patriotic music, hang our flags on the front porch, and to visit cemeteries with flowers in hand.

Most of the food events, sales, reunions etc., are because it's a long weekend of mild weather. A day off work to.......

If you're addressing me, my answer is no. Not offended but puzzled about another instance when people "celebrate" something a certain way out of habit when they don't even know what the day is for. That demeans the original intent, don't you think? It's not a day to honor veterans (as some said) nor to visit your grandmother's grave though anyone is of course welcome to do that anytime. Doing any of these other things doesn't change the intent of the day, to pay respect to those killed while serving.

I disagree with your comment above that the day "was adopted rather universally as a day for visiting and dressing up family cemetery plots " because while that may be your experience, it isn't my experience nor that of many others.

Not addressing anyone in particular, my dear. Just wondering.

I'm not sure if the custom of caring for a family member's grave is a regional thing of not. I witnessed it in my central NYS community, and also in Ohio, Michigan, Kentucky, Kansas, Iowa, and throughout the South. That seems pretty regional, to me, but I don't have an issue with anyone who hasn't had the same experiences as I.

I promise you that the true meaning of the day isn't lost for most people and certainly not among my family members, neighbors, or acquaintances. I can see why people may be confused about Veterans Day but not Memorial Day.

So, believe me when I assure you that millions (not exaggerating) traveled with their rakes, trowels, cleaning brushes for the grave stones, and pots of real or plastic flowers to the grave sites of loved ones. It's quite a lovely tradition. It does not demean, in any way, the intent of the day, and it doesn't become anyone who thinks that it does.

I do fear that it might be one of those things that may go by the wayside. The younger generations don't seem moved by family traditions, nor by history or patriotism.

It was common where I grew up. My mother and older sister always went to the cemetery and cleaned up around the graves of family members and even friends who had no living relatives to do it. My family is from North Carolina, but moved to a small town in Texas, where other family members were living. They always went on Sunday after having lunch. It was very important to them, and it was called Decoration day. It may have been because it coincided with the beginning of summer, but it was very common where I lived.

rhizo, a little offended. The military who lost their lives should be the only focus. It makes sense it's also used to honor others who have passed on, as the first folks to consider it a decoration day probably were there visiting the gravesites of the fallen, so why not all in one fell swoop.

But, I also didn't like when it changed from Secretary's Day to Administrative Professionals Day. Because some used it as an excuse to expand the scope and then those who were finally given a day of recognition after being the bottom of the heap all year long, then had to share it with others who also got recognition all year long.

Same principle. It's their day and their day only.

I am concerned about the comments that Memorial Day is only for the military. There are now three special days for the military. While I do value those that served I also look at other countries where the military is valued above all else and shudder. Are we now to start to bow down and not honor our ancestors who may or may not have been in the military? Those that are military only should also give up other holidays such as Christmas because at one time it was only for attending church and fasting.

Because Memorial Day is to commemorate those who gave their lives for this country. I find no greater service. We should honor those died whether in service to this country or not. Does it have to be on their day? I try to do it daily by living my life as though their life affected me.

So rob only military that gave their lives should be remembered. How do you know who gave their lives? Cemeteries in this area have graves going back to the early 1800's or before. None of the civilians that died at Pearl Harbor or other places are worthy enough?

"We should honor those died whether in service to this country or not"

The way I look at it, a nationally declared holiday is a snapshot in time. A single point in time in which Congress acted on the "will of the people" to honor some one or some event. The will of the people comes about through shared current events, social/economic patterns, culture, which lead to shared values, etc .... Then times change. People change. Do we as a country have a collective "will" to honor now, what we did decades or a century ago? In the exact same way as the people a decade, century ago did? Evidentially not. Some valid reasons, some reason to mourn lost customs, some reason to celebrate new shared values and new traditions.

I've learned that things change.

And I'll always call the 11th hour of the 11th day of the 11th month Armistice Day. (Consistency is for robots.)

totally agree nickel. Which is why I understand how it's become decoration day and I'm only a little offended :) I see both sides.

I wonder why rob if you went to a cemetery to decorate a grave you would not also lay a flower on a child or spouse or parents grave that was not in the military? Do you return later at another time and lay flowers on theirs but not the one that you had already laid flowers on?

"It makes sense it's also used to honor others who have passed on, as the first folks to consider it a decoration day probably were there visiting the gravesites of the fallen, so why not all in one fell swoop."

(also already stated)

"I am concerned about the comments that Memorial Day is only for the military. "

Then you should write your congressman/congresswoman and get it changed. You won't change history, however, nor why the holiday was established to begin with.

Maifleur, you and anyone else should honor your ancestors in any way you want, anytime you want. That doesn't cause the hijacking of a holiday or a change in its meaning.

This discussion has devolved in a way that's been happening too much lately, with some responding with an attitude "what you're saying is wrong because it's different from what I do or think I know". Hey folks, sometimes you may not know enough about a particular topic or, more frequently, how you understand it may be incorrect. Hearing a different opinion or more information about something doesn't mean it's time to shut down your mind or attack in return.

Another article explaining Memorial Day

Just as a side note:

"I also look at other countries where the military is valued above all else and shudder. "

Yeah? Name a few, I don't know any. Aside from countries with autocratic governments, my experience as a pretty widely traveled person internationally is that few or no countries have the hyper/pseudo patriotism that the US has. In Europe, yes, people have affection for their countries and cultures and they commemorate and highly honor those killed in the major wars, mostly those of the last 200 years. In most countries I've experienced, those in the military as viewed the same as others having government jobs. Without any particular added reverence.

I will do what I always do when confronted by silliness. Laugh and do what is right. Right may not be what the letter of the law states but so be it.

I am not sure why this discussion has turned into such a kurfuffle. LIke many of our holidays, Memorial Day has expanded to include much more than it was originally intended. Why is that bad?? If one of the original aspects of Memorial Day was to honor those who gave their lives to protect out freedom, why is not acceptable to some to use that freedom to celebrate the day as we see fit? Attending parades, visiting the graves of fallen military or graves of our own dearly departeds, having a BBQ or going on that first of the season camping trip? Easter sure as heck was not started to celebrate the Easter bunny or hunt for colored eggs but no one seems to make a big fuss about that!

I don't know why any one should or even has the right to object how one chooses to celebrate the day....it's no skin off your nose!! Do what you want and let others do the same!

btw, my former inlaws and their extended family always spent the day visiting and decorating family graves. I found it peculiar - none of my family has an actual grave - but it is very definitely a strong midwest tradition.

"Easter sure as heck was not started to celebrate the Easter bunny or hunt for colored eggs but no one seems to make a big fuss about that!"

Yes, of course. But if someone were to assert that the origin and purpose of Easter are to honor the Easter bunny because that's what they've always done and that's what's right, there would be some other opinions voiced.