Toomuchglass, perhaps you might consider distancing yourself from the rude dweebs that made those comments to you.

I got my tubes tied at 22 and had a heck of a time finding a doctor who would even do it. Having no kids and being so young, even though I was married, they said that I would change my mind. I finally found one that would do it, but my then-husband had to sign a form agreeing to the operation.

Feeling sorry for not being a grandparent?? What an odd thing to say. Even people who had kids of their own, aren't necessarily lover of kids. They loved their own kids but not anyone else's kind of thing. Maternal instincts aren't in everyone and it's not automatic. Just tell them you're happy with your life and your kids are happy with theirs.

No grandkids yet for me, and no I do not feel deprived. If it never happens, that's perfectly okay. (But I am hoping for grand-dog soon!)

The common line was ---- "You don't know what you are missing" ... "That's true, there's no guarantees in life, are there. But I'm very happy it's working out so well for you. Tell me more about (something else) ..."

I don’t have any and never will, which is out of my hands. At times, it saddened me, but I talk to little ones I see in a restaurant or grocery shopping. That’s fun. What drives me nuts is people who go on and on about theirs, their accomplishments, sports, education, unasked. One sentence would be fine, thank you.

A saying that also gets to me is “gave us/giving us a grandchild”. Really?

But shamed, never. It’s no one’s business and THEY should be ashamed for saying anything further. My own SIL gave me that “You don’t know what you’re missing” dig, knowing I had no choice. I was furious, and fortunately it was a short visit.

I find that a great many people just open their mouths and let the words pour out without giving much thought on how it might affect the one hearing them. Most are too wrapped up in their own lives and judge everything from that usually very narrow perspective.....IOW, they lack any empathy. But that is their problem, not yours, and nothing you should feel the slightest bit guilty about. In fact, if they weren't so bloody clueless to begin with, they are the ones that should be feeling guilty for broaching such a personal and potentially sensitive subject in the first place!!

There was a time in my life when I desperately wanted children of my own. But despite all the trying, testing, treatments and invasive procedures, it was not meant to be and I eventually grew used to that fact. Family and friends were very supportive but low key and that helped a lot. I was named godmother to my best friend's two kids and my ex had two boys from a prior marriage so there was the patter of little feet (especially at holidays) around the house now and again to make up for it.

And then a stepdaughter appeared in my life. I won't go into the details but I first met her when she was 6 months old and I was smitten!! Long story short, I wound up raising her for the first 12 years of her life, and as far as i'm concerned, she is my daughter in every way but blood. Her father and I haven't been together for years but she and I remain incredibly close. And my extended family adores her and treats her as if she were my own. She is approaching 30 and she and her SO have been together about 5 years but she is in no hurry to have a family and is not yet sure she wants one. And that's fine with me...what will be, will be.

So I have no grandkids either and technically never will have :-) But I don't feel deprived......I share the enjoyment of my siblings' grandkids and to be honest, I am kind of relieved I do not have any of their grandparenting responsibilities!!

The circumstances of one's life are their business and no one else's. So I would just ignore the spoutings of those who speak before they think and enjoy your life as you see fit.

I'm 81 and have one grandchild who is 4 years old and lives across country. I never found anyones comments hurtful.....it wasn't my doing. My very favorite comment was when an acquaintance upon finding out I had no grandchildren said "No grandchildren? Wow. You must be rich!" I thought that to be very funny. :-))))

I've never gotton the poor thing, no grand kids. I've been asked if I ever wanted kids. When I was younger, adoption was an option. I'd just answer that there are tons of kids in foster care or waiting to be adopted. Now, if I ever want to volunteer to be a "grandparent" for a day, there's a program like being a big brother.....I can always change my mind and give it a try. ;0) wink

I have one grandchild and he's the only grandchild we will have. My older two kids have absolutely no interest in having children ever. My younger son would like to have one more child but his girlfriend just found out this week carrying another child to term (and we're talking first trimester here), would be almost impossible. I told her we just have so much love to give our grandson and that even if it was their choice to not have another child, it's THEIR choice not ours. I would have been heartbroken if we didn't have our grandson and then found out she couldn't have *any* kids. Being a mother is something I always knew I wanted to be. I can't comprehend people who choose not to have a child when so many simply can't. But that's my problem. I actually talked to my husband about this a few days ago and asked him what we did so bad that two of our three kids don't want kids. Are we to blame? Maybe I should ask my kids, ya think? lol Oh, I'm getting off track here.

But having a grandchild is something I cherish every day.

Thank you all for making me feel better ! I wish I could have thought of some of your snappy comebacks at the time . I always walk away and think "I should have said this,I should have said that ..." LOL The person that said this has one daughter and she had 2 kids. This lady is a "helicopter" grandma . I'm just so thankful that she doesn't go on and on about them ! My life is great the way it is. :)

I think sometimes people will say things like that because they want what they believe is the best for you. It's a kind of empathy of from them that you don't have what they truly love and enjoy in their lives. This doesn't make their comments any less hurtful, and also doesn't account for the fact that what we each have as joy in our lives differs greatly.

I have a dear friend and a sister, both of whom do not have children. (I do have children.) They're both wonderful and ask about my children, and I share with them. But I also want to hear about their lives and what's going on with them. I've learned to view their lives and the rich experiences they have that don't involve children. Sometimes, parents forget to remove the "talking about the kids" from the equation of discussions because we are so wrapped up in that area of our lives. I'm assuming the same is for grandparents.

It's like anything else--your point of reference in life, whether it be children, grandchildren, your career, your health, etc.--often becomes your starting place for discussion with others.

You’re not alone, I have a 42 year old daughter who married the love of her life, they’ve been married for 17 years and they’ve never wanted kids. They travel and enjoy their life together and I’m thrilled that they are in such a wonderful place. Do I wish they had had children? Maybe a little, but only because I think there are life lessons and a special love that can only be experienced when you are a parent. When someone tells me I don’t know what I’m missing, I just say, that’s ok, I’m perfectly happy with the way things are. My daughter and SIL are happy and that’s all that matters to me. And that’s true! To be honest, I really don’t care what others think and you shouldn’t either!

rhizo said it first and best, people can be impossibly stupid. I didn't want children when a young adult. I was persuaded to change my mind and the result was a slightly larger than average number of kids. I'm so glad we went this route but, ultimately, it's a personal decision with more than one good answer. Grandchildren? Yes, we have those, but the starting point is wanting to have kids and many don't. Having them is fine, not having them is fine, people should mind their own business about such a personal topic.

We have been blessed with 8 grandkids, 4 step grandkids and a step grandbaby. We love all of them. We knew from the very beginning that we wanted kids.. our kids did, too. But, I admire the ones that say they do not want kids and don’t have them. It is hard work raising kids. Plus there are ones out there that should never have had any.. it should be a personal choice.

I have one response to those who pose insensitive questions: "...and just why would you be asking that?" Usually this stops them in their tracks, with them being too embarrassed to say anything more on the subject at hand.

First let me say that I love my 2 Grandkids, I would give my life for them just like I would for my son. And they are a delight and a blessing as he is. But I do want to remind, just because they aren't your kids doesn't mean the stress and responsibility is over - in fact it just starts all over again. Especially if something happens that one is sick or having some kind of life-threatening issue. And what's really bad when that happens is that not only are you sick with worry about the grandchild, you also have to watch your own son or daughter deal with the worry about their own child, it's a double whammy. So I'm a believer that everything happens for a reason, the fact that you aren't a Grandparent and might not ever be isn't anyone else's concern.

“it should be a personal choice.”

Exactly, and it should be respected by everyone.

Too late by now but simply tell anyone that states that that you do have grandchildren. If/when they mention they are not yours by blood be snarky and reply "They are better. They are children/grandchildren of the heart."

i think it was said because its the 'social norm' to have kids and grandkids... just the 'natural path' for most...

should it be said, absolutely not. why make a person feel bad and make yourself feel better or superior??

yes, they are great ( i have none at the moment but have great-nieces and nephews which are a blast! ) but agree with what was said. with children and grandchildren there is always a lot of worry and stress, especially if they are sick or have special needs.

i see SO many grandmothers taking care of the grandkids b/c both parents have to work. i know that is something i don't want to do.

or both parents work and kids are in at a sitter's or day care all day. neither of which is a great recourse.

One social norm in many parts of the world is the extended family, where the grandparents help cook and watch the children while the parents either work outside the home or do the jobs inside the home that their youth and strength can help with. and the grandparents have a safe place where they are loved in old age.

So what are you supposed to do - hold them down until they have children. I have a son and daughter - son has two great kids and daughter and husband decided before they got married that they weren't having any. Have been married 25 years and haven't changed their mind. To make someone feel bad because they don't have any grands is mean and rude. That's something you have no control over. Guess you could have done what DD's in-laws did -= every time they went there, mom and sisters started on her about when they were going to have children. SIL put his foot down and said if you don't quit we're not coming here anymore. DD is the "cool aunt" and enjoys that title.

I've been wondering throughout what response I might give.

If the person knew my situation well enough to know that it just wasn't gonna hoppen, I might give a bit of a chuckle and ask just what they might suggest that I do about that.

Sort of like falling into a hole in the ground 10 feet deep and being short one ladder!

Or maybe that a few centuries ago the population of the world was but one billion, a century or so later it was 2 billion, now 7.7 billion - and probably something like 10 before the end of this one.

And we keep insisting on turning farmland into cities, while global warming is causing at least some of the deserts to expand - to the point where migrating tribes who manage grazing catlle can't find grass, so their animals die.

My not having grandkids (not my choice, actually) is adding to the possibility of the survival of humankind on our world.

ole joyful

"grandparents help cook and watch the children ..."

That's pretty much my worst nightmare. Not at all how I want to spend this time in my life. Help out on occasion? No problem. But only occasionally.

"...and the grandparents have a safe place where they are loved in old age.

I'd like to think the people I raised would do that regardless. In fact, I know they would.

What an idiot!!!! We have no grandchildren and I certainly don't feel my children "owe" me any. Both of our children are well-educated, happy and enjoying life. If either of them reach the point they want to have children, I'll welcome them, but if not, that is more than okay also.

I have two grown sons but no grandchildren and none likely. I will be honest and say I do miss having grandchildren. I saved some of my kids toys in the attic for the grandkids that never appeared. My grandnieces have enjoyed them, though. Both of my sons are perfectly content not to have kids ( I think). It’s their choice and their life. If they are happy, I am happy. That comment was so thoughtless.

lucille, you're describing social norms that are more true in impoverished, undeveloped third world countries than in countries like the US. In industrialized countries, what you're talking about is not nearly as common. In countries with more economic means and health and well-being programs in place - pensions, health care, savings accumulations during working years etc., people have more choices.

I know of too many people who are at retirement age and they should be off enjoying themselves but can’t because their grown children have dumped their kids with them while they do drugs or whatever. The grandparents feel like they have to take in the children and sometimes the parents live there, too, but only cause more work and worry and angst. So I think not all grandparents are thinking grandparenthood is all that grand.

i never wanted or had any kids and neither did my husband. Pets are enough for us.

"social norms that are more true in impoverished, undeveloped third world countries...."

True, but there are many developed countries where this is the norm. My DIL comes from one and it totally dismays her that we aren't there to "help". Her expectations absolutely floor me. In her opinion, we should buy a condo in their city that she'd manage as an air bnb and we'd fly eleventy bizillion miles every few weeks to "help" for another few weeks. Um, no thanks! I'm actually glad they don't live closer because.....well, for obvious reasons. In the same state would be nice but a "safe" distance away, lol.

I have no idea if we will ever be grandparents and honestly it's none of my business. Our sons are 30 and 32 and the younger is engaged while the older is in a 7 year relationship.

A friend of mine wants to be a grandmother so badly that it really is sad to see her so distraught that she isn't one. Her older son and his wife are not having kids and the younger one just recently got engaged and who knows what will happen.

It's up to my own kids as to whether or not they want kids and I will never pass judgement on their decision.

I remember my telling my mom that I didn't want kids and she responded by telling me that it was the most selfish thing she had ever heard. I

Actually it is here where I saw widespread extended families when I was a school nurse and used to make home visits, in a poorer inner city area. Many times it worked out well for all concerned.

Lucille, I also observed this as a social worker. However, I think it was more out of necessity. to Multiple families living together to make ends meet. The ability to help with the children was an added benefit.

"My DIL comes from one and it totally dismays her that we aren't there to "help"."

This sounds more like an individual's attitude but maybe not. What industrialized country does she come from?

It is not necessarily impoverished families who have multiple generations in one household. It can be simply family tradition. In my husband's family, his elderly father went to live with his sister when they felt he should not be living alone anymore. They built an addition onto their home that made a large master bedroom suite and LR area that was handicap accessible. It has worked out beautifully.

For some families, having children/grandchildren/great-grandchildren is a source of pride. I can't tell you how many times I have had a family member tell me proudly of how many grands and greats the patient had (hmm, only the female patients, I can't remember anyone telling me of a man's great achievement in this respect!) I would just smile and say "My goodness!".

I loved being a mother, and being a grandmother has been icing on the cake. I would have been deeply disappointed if I had had no grandchildren, but would recognize it was not my decision to make for my children.

I have two long-time close friends who will never have grandchildren. One pretends it's okay with her, but I've known her long enough and remember conversations in the past, so I doubt she truly is. The other is quite honest that this is a huge disappointment to her and her husband, I must say, she would have been a magical grandmother.

I am also childless by choice. SO has adult children and grandkids that I really dont have anything to do with. The only one I did interact with used to live down the street from us and her mother would bring her over from time to time. We found out when she was 3 or so that she was NOT in fact, his granddaughter.

Anyway, I get shamed and condescended to all the time about not having children. I hear:

"What? You need at LEAST one!"

"Why not? Do you hate kids?"

"You're going to regret it. "

Or.

"You'll change your mind. Hopefully before it's too late."

Ugh.

Once there was driver at work you would not let it go. Finally I snapped and said " You know, maybe I desperately want children but cant have them. Have you thought about that?" He looked aghast for a minute. Absolutley speechless. I assured him that it was not the case, but that he should think about what he decides to hound people about,especially if it's something as deeply personal as having or not having children. Then I felt bad, because they're are women and men out there who do want children but can't. So I WAS ashamed.

One of my sisters tells me that I wont have anyone to take of me when i get old. She has 6. I told her that if she hasn't raised her children to take care of their poor,frail,spinster childless auntie Amy,then she is a terrible mother. Speechless again. Boom.

To be so rude to someone who doesn't have grandchildren of all things?? What are you suppossed to be able to do about it Lol?!?!??!

I was told by the guy painting my house that I should consider being a foster parent saying, "Why not? You have it pretty nice here". WTH? I've never been married and never had children, and I would make a suitable foster parent? I was taken aback. Yes, I'm retired and own my home and am somewhat comfortable financially (not rich by all means). He made me feel as tho I was living a selfish life.

I'm sure there are plenty of single foster parents and God bless them, but I would never think to do it myself.

I'm childless by choice and can totally echo Amylou. The things that sometimes come out of people's mouths amaze me.

I can't imagine anything more personal, and potentially hurtful, than whether someone wants to have children. Why anyone else would feel compelled to push their viewpoint on another about this baffles me. It's the height of rudeness in my opinion.

I found that people just like to say things about your life. Maybe so you don't say things about their life. I don't know they just do.

The thing is to learn how to not let it in. It is a hard lesson and I am nowhere near to learning it completely.

I had a rough time as a child with a verbally abusive mother and a mentally ill and as a consequence verbally abusive sister. Plus being teased at school gave me no relief. Talk about being hyper aware about what everybody says. Those things made it so that I second-guessed what everybody said and they all sounded like they were criticizing. I had to find respite.

So finally I decided to learn the technique by Marisa Peer of not letting it in by just simply saying thank you for sharing. Just remember to say it calmly and without sarcasm and subtext. You don't want there to be an argument about the phrase thank you for sharing. You want to neutralize the situation in your own mind not increase the hostilities.

When someone insults you or tells you what you should do or otherwise bothers you you can say thank you for sharing and that phrase is your reminder to not let their comments in.

Don't let it be something you are defending against don't let it be something that you are allowing somebody to dictate to you just simply moving on.

And then she has other phrases that you use should the other person escalate it once you said thank you for sharing.

I like this technique as it ensures that I am reminding myself that I only have control over me whenever I use this phrase. I also make sure not to overuse it though. I intersperse it with saying interesting thoughts. In my mind though I say that they are not my thoughts. I only have control over how I respond to somebody's comments no control over them at all dag on it.

That has helped me not go bonkers when dealing with people. Everybody has to find their own technique though in amongst the billions of ways. Good luck.

I agree, pb32. One of my neighbors, who was always questioning me as to why I didn't want to have a baby, actually said to me, "You're not woman enough to have a baby."

Huh?! Last time I looked I had all the necessary parts. It didn't hurt my feelings, but good to know her true feelings about me. When I did have a baby, after being married for 15 years...not because I was trying to fulfill anyone's wishes, or prove that indeed my parts were all working, she was the first one to tell me I shouldn't breastfeed or hold her so much because I would never be able to get all my work done.

Here's the thing...if I wanted advice I would have asked for it. I didn't make a snappy answer to her because I was a whole lot nicer back then, and she, being elderly, I was raised to be respectful.

I like it Yeonassky. I will try to remember it. I have no desire to hurt them back, that's not my nature. I just want people to keep their opinions about my life choices to themselves.

I think sometimes those who challenge women who don't want kids are just reflecting their own insecurities.

When someone devotes their life to their children, and comes across someone who doesn't even want kids, it might seem like their life's work means nothing and holds no value to someone else. So they try to assure the childless person that they will change their minds, or they are missing out, because it helps validate their own choices.

That's my theory anyway.

I have two adopted daughters who are 40 and 42. Neither one is married and there are no grandchildren. I don't mind a bit. I am proud of them both and we have a close relationship. I just want them to be successful and happy with their lives. Be grateful you have a wonderful son and forget what other people say.

I like this response - paraphrased from one posted upthread: "Thank you so much for reminding me what I'm missing. It's so sad because there's nothing I can do about it, after all." And adding under my breath, "you stupid SOB."

Yes, I'm getting older and my filters aren't what they used to be.

I have no idea if my daughters are ever going to have children. It’s their decision. I do know that I would not want to watch them on a daily basis though. My mother in law gave my older one a book for Easter. Something like “50 things to do before I say I do”. Really?! My daughter is 26 and has been with her boyfriend for 6 years, but it’s certainly not grandma’s business if they ever get married. And no, it was not just for fun.

I had a very nosy in-law who had no reluctance to ask inappropriate questions about various topics, this one included. I'd have none of it, my wife neither. I'll bet we had the essence of this conversation a few dozen times. It was very frustrating. I know first hand the what many of you have described as your own experiences.

"When do you think you will start your family and have children?"

---------"I'm not sure we ever will"

"I'm not going to be around forever, you need to consider that"

---------"Please don't be offended or misunderstand me but the decision doesn't involve you or your opinion at all"

"So when do you think it might be"

--------- "Maybe never. Can you please stop asking us this question?"

Heehee. To the "I'm not going to be around forever. You need to consider that." BS

, I have responded, " I have considered it. Whose gonna take the brats off my hands when your dead? "

Oooo I know, that's awful. But I had really had it with being talked to like a brood mare. But as in have never been married,that was always thrown in there too. Like it didn't matter WHO sired the things, just find something with a pulse and some sperm,drag him down the aisle,and start producing wench!!!!!

Luckily,none of this foolishness came from my parents. As my 5 older siblings have provided them with 15 grandchildren, now aged 2 to 17, they hardly notice that I have none to add to the pack, and have never really mentioned it.

My sister was probably the worst, until I started my relationship with SO 10 years or so ago. As she and her hubby have some sort of misguided moral objection to race mixing, the baby nagging stopped quite abruptly. Another win for the spinster (even if not an old MAID)

And, then there was the complete stranger who declared that i was making an awful mistake and it was a terrible shame because I'd be such a great mother...blah, blah ,blah.

We'd just met five minutes previously. Hello!?

My 30 year old DD is engaged to a 40 year old who doesn't want kids and he has convinced her that she doesn't either. I'm upset about it, and think that she's making a mistake. I do think she wants to be a mother. My 28 year old son is dating a 30 year old French girl, but it's been less than a year although they seem happy. Who knows if they will have kids, and even if they do they will live in Europe so it would be rare that I would see them, maybe twice a year. I have reluctantly resigned myself to being grandchildless, so if it ever happens I will be very happy. But they are living their lives as they see fit, and I will not interfere with that. I just hope that my DD doesn't wake up in 10 years and be saddened by the fact that she is childless. There's a whole lot more to her story that I won't go into here, but suffice it to say that I'm not happy with her situation.

Toomuchglass, I'm sorry your friends/acquaintances are so unkind, though I'm guessing they think they're being nice to you. I think of such a kind of comment as akin to saying: "I'm sorry you don't have a big beautiful house like I do. It's brought me much joy." The subject of having/not having gkids is definitely one subject for which 'least said, soonest mended' has some meaning, as this kind of discussion is only appropriate for one whom you believe is a comfortable and close confidant, if you're so inclined to discuss the subject.

(Yes, Elmer, I know that quote has a different meaning. Just getting out there ahead of ya.)

Toomuchglass - wow. I can't believe people are so....self-centered. Ignore them. I adore babies...and I adore puppies and kittens too, but I don't want the responsibilities for any of them, any more. I do have a son (26) and he is the absolute joy of my life. But I'd put his career and finishing his education far in front of any thoughts of babies. I am not yet retired myself, but when I do retire, I plan to do a lot of traveling, so grandkids have never been on my radar, at all. Not sure when, if ever, that would occur.

Sounds like you are happy with your life and your family - and THAT is what counts. Enjoy!