Scared for my daughter, her friends and all other young women/girls
Kathsgrdn
5 years ago
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maddielee
5 years agoRelated Discussions
daughter and friend love/hate relationship
Comments (9)I've been there! My daughter and her friend (Lisa) have been friends since the age of 5. They are both 16 now! We're also neighbours. The girls were together every single day. Then at the age of 10, they went their own way till the age of 14. They just had different things in common. Now, they're the best of friends again! I remember one incident that is so very similar to the one you described above. I had had enough too! Lisa's mom called me to tell me what happened between the girls. My daughter told me what happened. Some things just didn't add up. Since I had had enough, I decided to nip this in the butt. My daughter and I went over to Lisa's house so that we could all discuss this together. Lisa's mom was so happy about this. Anyways, Lisa was caught in a lie and was punished. My daughter also saw that their friendship was worth more than gossip. That if they had a problem with each other, they were friends long enough that they should ask each other if the gossip was true. Everything worked out well and because we were all together, everything was confronted once and for all. Re your daughter leaving when Susie comes over. I'm not sure about this one though, because yr daughter cannot always run away from conflict. She needs to deal with it head on. You see what happened with my daughter was that "Jessica" was causing conflict between my daughter and Lisa because she was jealous of their friendship. Whenever Jessica and Lisa were together, my daughter would exclude herself and thus, was alone. She'd see Lisa on the street and was about to go say hello, but decided not to when she seen Jessica with her. I told her to go talk to Lisa and that if Jessica had a problem with her there, then Jessica could leave. It took my daughter awhile to work up the nerve to do it, but eventually she did and it gave her more confidence in herself to handle things. I've also had to deal with a mother who thinks her kids can do no wrong. I did the same thing as above. We drove to that kid's house and confronted him with the parents there. The boy denied everything, but his sister said that my daughter was right about how it happened. He was bullying her. His parents asked him how he could do that to my daughter since he had the same thing done to him and if he remembered how it felt. The issued got resolved! I strongly believe that confrontation with all parties involved is the best way to get resolved fast. This way, all the parents hear what each child is saying, which is lying, etc. Maybe it will open some eyes too! When my daughter had some "ownership" in some of the conflicts, I explained how her actions contributed to the conflict. Sometimes kids don't realize or see what the consequences of their actions can do, especially at the age of 8....See MoreHelp me with my single women friends-long
Comments (14)Well, from my 45 years of experience being single, there are several "marriage waves" that a person can ride. One is the high school one. Virtually everyone in high school is single and so lots of people meet and pair up then. After that comes the college wave, ditto. Then comes the first years out of college/career establishment phase. A lot of people who meet during this time meet as they are both starting out work. This phase is a little more difficult, because some careers are going to take a lot of time and energy to establish. There are issues that can arise in a woman's life at each of those stages that makes it hard for her to ride the wave to matrimony. After that, the pickings get slim, because a large proportion of the people in your age/social marriage class have gotten married. I think there is a fourth wave, the divorce wave starting in the 40's, and then finally a widowed wave. I'm not sure which wave you rode Mary, but after 35, things get really difficult on the dating scene, no way to sugar coat it. Men who want and are able to accomodate committed relationships tend to get into them by the time they reach 35 or so. Notice I said TEND, this is just a generalization and there are exceptions. And therein lies the challenge, you are looking for the exception in the haystack. They are there, but you have to root around, which is an emotionally trying and time consuming process. If your friends are really serious about the hunt for a good relationship, they will have to do some rather "unpleasant" marketing of themselves, and they will need all the support they can get from you. You are the perfect one to give it, since you're not the "competition." My best friends have been absolute gems this year supporting me trying to find someone decent to date and have a relationship with. It is just unbelievably hard but I won't go on and on about it here because that isn't the subject of this post. I just wanted to tell you Mary that your friends are lucky that they have you. I would have curled up and died long ago had it not been for my wonderful friends. BTW, a book that I have been using to assist me is called "How to Find a Husband After 35, Using What I Learned in Harvard Business School." It is one of the most "out there" books you will ever find on the subject of dating, but I don't mind it so much, you don't have to agree with everything the author writes about. Basically the author's premise is that you can use the same guerilla marketing techniques someone might use to get a new project or business going to get a marriage going. Having worked in a situation where I reviewed lots of resumes, interviewed and hired lots of people, I can say that I do believe that the two processes are similar. I've had to market myself in order to get a job, and I've used my techniques to help friends get jobs. So tell your friends if they can get a job, they can get a man, and if they can make a good "hire" they can choose the right partner. That approach sounds cold and calculating, and to some exent it is, but the book also has lots of suggestions on how to reach out to your friends and neighbors to assist them in your "quest" which for me has actually been kind of spiritually uplifting. My friends now all know I am looking to get married and they are being very supportive. Another book I found helpful that I picked up in the bargin book bin was "The Dating Secrets of the Ten Commandments" and it is written by a rabbi who used the spiritual guides of the Ten Commandments as starting points for a series of essays on male/female relationships. See, that book really isn't about "dating" as much as relationships, but which would sell better, "The DATING Secrets of the Ten Commandments" or "The RELATIONSHIP Secrets of the Ten Commandments." One is a racy anomaly, one sounds preachy. It's all about marketing! :-) Anyway, the rabbi doesn't take himself too seriously, there are a lot of funny bits in the book with some of the serious ideas. It is a little on the schmaltzy side, a little overdone, but there are a few pearls in there....See MoreDo we send my husband's daughter back to her mom's to live?
Comments (4)I deleted some stuff that doesn't apply to your situation. ............................................................ A couple in my church adopted a little boy whose parents' rights had been severed because of sexual abuse. The first year of life with Daniel was traumatic for all three: Daniel's kindergarten called the new mom to come pick him up because he was approaching children and adults sexually. Daniel went to a few birthday parties & was quickly blacklisted because of his sexual overtures to guests & parents. Daniel & his new parents went to intensive counselling, & the new mom quit her job to take care of Daniel... not only did he need full-time mothering, but he kept getting thrown out of day care. The parents learned that children who have been abused sexually almost always approach others sexually; it's what the children have learned to do for attention, approval, companionship...love, or a cheap facimile thereof. Yet their abusers have also shamed them into keeping the big secret; Daniel never said one word about previous sexual "activity". Based on what you *know* of sexual activity at her mother's house, I'd bet that this young girl has seen, *& been involved in*, a lot more than you know. She'll keep approaching people, girls, boys, grown men, whoever, sexually because *that's what she knows how to do*. ............................................................ Please get some help for this little girl, & keep her safe. If you 'give her back' to someone who's led her a chaotic existence & allowed her to be sexually abused, I think the day will come when you will find it impossible to forgive yourself. I wish you the best....See MoreScared for My Daughter
Comments (29)Hi Jannie, I hope that you won't continue feeling troubled about having come here. I think that there's been a good discussion, you've heard a number of viewpoints, several of them substantially reassuring. And you've been doing some thinking, yourself. Often it's helpful to run some of those ideas past some people in whose judgement we've developed some confidence. Possibly a religious person ... but probably good to choose such a person with care - a good listener, with good balance in life, who won't bring a lot of ready-made solutions to the issue before having listened well and thought it through carefully. One of the most important jobs that we have is a parent is to encourage, advise, some times limit (when they're younger), discuss, etc. with our young ones as they move along the road to maturity. They need to learn how to pick up their own marbles ... wisely. Have some faith in the girl - more than likely she has her head screwed on right. Good wishes to your daughter ... and you ... and the ex-boyfriend. ole joyful...See MoreKathsgrdn
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