It doesn't hurt to get on a list as Anglophilia said. You can usually decline if a place comes up and remain on the list if you are not ready. It's such a hard decision and depends on so many things. Do you have children nearby, can you afford to hire help for home maintenance and self care if needed? I certainly don't have the answers. I have moved into a condo in an over 55 community so at least I don't have to worry about the outside. My daughter lives with me and I know she will take care of me no matter what. Not everyone is so lucky. For those who live in two story homes, those stair elevators really do work quite well and are not terribly expensive.

There are a number of facilities around here that offer " stages" of living. You can purchase ( pricey) an independent cottage which can be very nice. These are on the campus of a large complex that consists of the cottages, apartments, nursing home etc.

Many people move to a cottage for as long as possible. If needed they can then go to an apartment that offers some care ( meals, cleaning, nursing services, etc). When the time comes the nursing home component is available.

I have said for years that it makes sense for several singles, especially seniors, to share a housing unit, sharing the chores as well.

Intellectual stimulation keeps one more aware of life, may help delay the onset of dementia/Alzheimers and loneliness, which sometimes may progress to anxiety and depression.

They would eat better, for if one were preparing lunch for several, toast and tea wouldn't cut it, more than infrequently.

Three or four sharing chores is way less taxing than having just one having to carry the whole load.

Major increase in safety - if one can call, or maybe not even need that - help is at hand. And the housemates could triage the situation:

- we can deal with this, or

- we call our troubled friend's caregiver, or

- we call "911" - right now!

There'd be major savings in rent, and very likely food costs - quite possibly enough to afford a (part time) housekeeper, should they so choose.

It would very likely/almost certainly delay the time when various members needed to enter even a residential home, with substantial savings related to each month of delay.

Were a participant to need hospital care and be ready for release, the others could take care of personal care and that person's share of chores until the recovery: much less problem than returning to a living unit alone, with no support.

Much less costly than being a bed-blocker in a hospital for several days after completion of treatment (especially so in Canada or places with universal healthcare coverage).

The original agreement would be that participants could stay as long as they could take care of themselves and their share of chores, then they'd need to have other plans in place.

ole joyful

We had to move my mother-in-law to a senior living arrangement this year. I can only say that, despite her reluctance, it was a very good decision. Though she has gone thru all the stages of grieving (anger, sadness, denial...), she is beginning to enjoy living there and though she requires little assistance now, she can move around within the facility as her needs change, even if it is only a short-term need. She's in a lovely independent living apartment now, but the available amenities make her life much easier. She has a full kitchen, and cooks some, but she can also avail herself of the dining room any meal she so chooses. Additionally, they offer transportation to appointments, church, community events and shopping. There is a drugstore which delivers to the facility 3 days a week. Finally, there is 24 hour security and twice daily "safety" checks. They aren't invasive, but the staff will call the apartment if they haven't seen or heard from her in 12 hours to check that she is okay. All this makes her feel safe and allows us to let her live much more independently than when she was in her own home.

Do you have Long Term Care Insurance? I only ask because we purchased the house we are in because it has Mother in Law quarters. The week we closed she fell, never saw this house. We had years of paying for her housing and private care. We purchased the insurance then.

Not too long after my Dad died, mother decided that it was time for her to check out the assisted living situation in her little community. I let her talk me, her only daughter, into traveling the 900 miles to squire her around for the day.

She picked the place, decided which furniture she was going to take, how her home and its contents were to be disposed of and when she wanted to move.

She was hale and hearty at the time, just ready to be "assisted".

After stepmother's death, 35 years ago, Dad sold their home in Regina, capital of Saskatchewan, (1) and moved into a seniors' living facility that had been organized and managed by our liberal Protestant church a number of years before - and they're still operating it, as far as I know.

They planned, built and operated one in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, as well, where I attended univ. and seminary. One of my missionary colleagues from my days in Korea died in that seniors' care facility, a couple of years ago.

Dad had a small apartment in a building with a number of others.

When it would have become apparent that he could no longer manage inependently, he could have moved into a room in another building, where the residents were mobile and dined in a dining room, and later he could have moved to another floor where his meals would have been brought to him.

Two years later, after driving a couple of thousand miles from the central prairies, north of Lake Superior, to southwestern Ontario in three days by himself ... a few days later, going from one friend's home to a lunch invitation with a relative ...

... he was to turn left on a four-lane road, drove out in front of an auto-transport ... and that was the end of Dad.

ole joyful

2. Saskatchewan was the home of universal medical care in Canada, the inspiration of a liberal Baptist minister who became Premier of the province in 1944 (just before Dad moved there).

(I first said, "Premier of our province" and I lived there for only 7 years, 1946 - 1953, end of jr. year high school through six years univ. ... but I feel a sense of belonging to the place).

o j

"I have said for years that it makes sense for several singles, especially seniors, to share a housing unit...."

By the time this stage of life comes along, many seniors have spent decades living in their own homes, often alone too, and are unwilling to share their living space. I don't think your suggestion would have many takers.

The biggest issue of assisted living for many is the lack of privacy as when in one's own home, not the cost.

More and more people, and especially the stubborn ones, choose to stay in their own homes while they can and have assistance come to them in the form of a daily personal service provider or home health care.

Something that may not be the same in every state but when we were thinking of moving into assisted living I found out that if the person would need more than one attendant to help sitting and standing or the person was over 200 pounds and needed assistance Assisted Living places would not take them. Once they hit either of these guidelines the only place that will take them legally is a skilled nursing facility.

There are several types of assisted living places in this area. Some are continuous living. Going from independent, to assisted, to nursing home. Since this is a modest income area for a studio (one room) you may pay between $189,000 to $300,000. Some of the one bedrooms start about $225,000. In addition there are monthly charges and normally at least some of your utilities. Some of the lunch group I belong to have been looking at the new developments and the monthly charges range between $2,000 and $5,000. Then there are the fees for assistance that are added onto that.

I have decided if I am healthy when I need to give up this house to move into some type of senior apartment until I need a nursing home rather than going the Assisted Living route. With the apartment the people caring for me can simply clean it out and turn in the key. Currently in this area if a nursing home accepts Medicaid patients the rates for private pay are either the same or a small surcharge. One of the things I have found strange is that Assisted Living places charge so much more than skilled nursing facilities in this area. There are some private non-Medicaid acceptance places that charge $100,000+ but those that accept Medicaid are around $6,000 currently.

Edited to add that it is always good to visit places and ask for prices before you need a change. A thing that I have noticed that new ones promise many activities but in a couple of years the activities are just not there or much reduced.

I know we should be thinking about it. DH will be 83 this year and I will be 82. I love my home and surroundings and I still like to cook. For me one of the most difficult parts of assisted living would be having to eat a certain amount of meals a month in their dining room. I want to eat what I want when I want and generally prefer to eat at home. I don't think that's a problem for most of my friends because they don't cook that much anymore. I will say that the large majority of my friends my age and older are all still living in their own homes. Some have down-sized but are still in sizable places. All are pretty active and most go out to eat a lot. DH just suggested the other day that we might want to think about going on a waiting list. I know it would probably be a great gift to our kids so they wouldn't have to worry, but I'm just not ready. Those of my friends that have moved to assisted living love it. What works for one doesn't necessarily work for another.

Georgiesmom, I accompanied a friend who was looking at assisted living facilities a few years ago. All the places we visited offered optional meal plans from no provided meals to three meals per day. Don't assume that all facilities have the same rules. Keep looking.

Settling into a one story house as opposed to a multistory one may extend your stay at home. In my opinion, a single story is much easier to service and maintain than a multistory. If you can downsize enough, you might opt for no basement. Nationwide, many houses do not have basements, but in my area, the majority of houses do have basements. Homeowners in my area see the basement as less costly space for laundry, shop, hobby, heating and cooling equipment. We also have a significant winter season; I suppose that is a factor, too. However, a basement adds a set of stairs to negotiate that is not different than stairs for a second floor. Currently, I am entering the elderly stage and welcome going up and down as daily exercise. I don't avoid my stairs, instead I use them for exercise. I do see the day coming when stairs could be miserable and dangerous for me. Those are now a problem for my wife. If we were to move this year, it would be to a single story.

The bathroom is probably the most important element of consideration in a home for the elderly. We have a bathtub and shower combination on the 2nd floor. The tub has become dangerous for both of us. We had an incident where the wife slipped and fell in the tub and ended up on with her backside in the tub. She was not hurt, only got a bruise, but there she was down in the tub and could not get out! She had too much weight for her muscle strength and it hurts her fiercely to get on her knees. Both of her knees have been replaced and the knee caps hurt when a load is applied. I had to call the EMTs to help me get her up. That did it! The tub has to go. I have slipped in it a few times as well, but was able to avoid falling. We discussed how dangerous that situation was. If I had not been in the next room, but out of the house, she would have been stranded there until discovered. Her cell phone was not in reach and the entry doors to the house were locked. If she had been able to call for help, the helpers would have had to break into the house to give aid.

I have contracted to have the tub removed and a elder friendly shower installed. Grab bars, a moveable seat, and shower head that can be stationary or moved about have been specified. In our area, codes call for a 2 inch drain for showers whereas most tubs have 1.5 inch drains, therefore, some plumbing modification is needed. My vertical drain in the wall is 3 inch cast pipe so the change to 2 inch drain is possible, but the plumber may have to disturb a small part of the bathroom floor. We have a one piece vinyl flooring which will difficult to patch, but is 40 yrs old, so replacement flooring was added to the job. The job expands! We'll have to remove take out the toilet and re-seat it after the new floor had been installed. I hated to do this because the present stool has been there for 40 years without a leak with two over-weight people using it, but it must be done. A friend of mine, a recently retired Master Plumber, will handle this part.

What started out as a simple, rip the old tub and insert a shower surround, has morphed into a major project. That happened due to the need to increase the drain from 1.5 inch to 2 inch. Two permits are required: A building permit and a plumbing permit.

Entryways should be considered. The fewer step ups, the better, and the step height should be low. A good combination is a stoop with a ramp on one side. Any old ramp will not do. If you wish to add one, check out building codes. The major specifications are ramp pitch, width, and railings. If the ramps exceeds a certain length, a level section in the middle is recommended. The ramp pitch is low to resist slipping. Building codes in most states are designed to accommodate a wheelchair.

Based on our experiences, I recommend that all elderly parties living in the home have a procedure to remotely unlock the entry door. Any one occupant may be home alone when a need arises. This goes double for anyone living alone. In lieu of such device, be prepared to instruct the EMTs of the best place to break in for least damage.

I have worked in Assisted Living and long term health care for many years. We are fortunate that we have a few very nice options. It is best to start in Assisted living if able, rather than waiting until it is a "must" to go to long term care. They will help you find an acceptable place to go from there, that is part of the job. A discharge planner will do all the paperwork. Most assisted living options allow you to have your car and come and go as wanted. (just let them know you are leaving). We are just starting to think about Mom's placement in assisted living. She knows where she would like to be and I agree with her decision. I work there LOL. I think she should be going fairly soon but she does not want to yet. It all about what she wants, at this point. Not what she MUST do yet. I wish I could get her to go now that way they will help with the transition when needed. But......

Lots of good info above. From my experience with my dad. First, vocabulary:

Independent Living = your own apartment, one meal a day that you choose, essentially no oversight of how or where you spend your time.

Assisted Living = your own apartment (often a studio), three meals a day with decent choices per meal, multiple daily contacts with staff, and encouraged contact with peers (meals, gentle group activities) to get you out of your room. Some help with 'activities of daily living' but not full-scale nursing.

Long-term Nursing = same as Assisted but heavy on medical needs.

That's how it generally works in my area, in the larger retirement communities. There are numerous small assisted/nursing facilities, I don't have experience with them.

Warning: if you contact one of those websites that wants to "help" you find a home for an elderly relative, give them a fake phone number or be prepared to block them, multiple times.

My Dad moved into Independent Living soon after Mom died. Being closer physically to his peers, instead of isolated in our old family home, helped him immensely. He expanded his group of friends, and felt helpful volunteering at many opportunities.

Years later, he decided to moved to our town. He (and we) thought he'd be happiest in Independent Living. But he had short term memory issues that made the facility doubt if he could reliably learn what to do in an emergency ... so at their recommendation he moved into Assisted Living. Best decision ever. He eats three balanced meals a day, gained needed weight. Each meal is served in a small dining room, helping develop friendships with his peers. He works jigsaw puzzles in the common room, attends cooking and exercise classes. We (his family) turned over all medicines for the staff to track and administer. They also do his laundry and clean his apartment daily (nice to be clean, but the staff also take the opportunity to socialize. So important.)

Based on my dad's experience, DH and I intend to leave our current home for Independent Living by the time we are 75, at the latest, even if we're still hale and hearty. I don't want to end up alone in a house, I'd rather be in an apartment with peers nearby.

Bottom line: visit a number of retirement communities in your area. Try to decide on at least one and get on its list several years before your target move date. Good luck!

A thought about cooking. One of the interesting things discovered in my earlier search was that while many of the Assisted Living places have stoves not all are connected but simply there to provide emotional comfort. One 7 floor place in Minneapolis mentioned that only three of the stoves in the building were actually connected which I found very odd. Any cooking was done in a microwave. You would need to ask if the stoves are connected or the easier way would be to ask if the stoves could be disconnected when things became necessary.

If asking about how often a person is checked ask how they were checked. Another place had something that if the resident opened the door it would fall. It was positioned nightly. While it took the place of needing to answer the phone as the resident should knock the thing off going to meals several times a day I cringed when we were told that if the door has not been opened for three days staff would physically enter the apartment.

Buy ins while sounding nice especially those that guarantee you will receive money back can have a big drawback. Each time a resident dies the apartment/cottage may be completely gutted and rebuilt. The cost of the rebuilding will be whatever the company states it will be. Some of those costs will leave very little return. Buy ins are also subject to property taxes in some states as they are considered for tax purposes a condo.

Just a note about food...How meals were handled at mothers independent living (Oregon) was entirely up to the resident. There were meal plans for 3 a day, two a day, lunch or dinner only, or a resident could buy a book of meal tickets to use as they would like. All apartments from studio to two bedroom had full kitchens. However, mother had never liked to cook. Dining room was lovely - tastefully decorated, tablecloths, attentive staff. There were two choices of an entree at breakfast, lunch, dinner or a menu from which alternatives could be ordered if the entrees that day didn't appeal. The alternative menu was simple, but salads, soup, hamburger, hot and cold sandwiches, mac n cheese, fish and chips.

After a fall in June, we moved her a couple of miles to an assisted and independent facility. Meals were handled much the same but with just one featured entree at lunch and dinner. Their alternate menu was broader, offered steaks, grilled or poached salmon etc. All meals whether the featured or menu were the same price and included in the rent but residents had the option there too of not signing up for a meal plan. They could cook for themselves in their own apartment.

Next weekend we are moving her again. To the facility I had hoped she would agree to when she first sold her home. This facility has all from independent living to memory care on 12 acres. Their own pool, hair salon, podiatrist office, 4 restaurants and the list goes on. Optional meal plans from all meals to none to supervised nutrition.

She's been on a waiting list, the wing we are moving her to highly sought after. It's called enhanced assisted and I don't know why more places don't embrace the concept. She's not ready for full care or memory care but needs a little more help than regular assisted, and mostly at night - her days are fine. They tell me their staff response time at night is 2 minutes - response time in the assisted living where she is now can be 30-45 minutes and she needs help getting back into bed after her getting up 3-4 times during the night to use the bathroom.

If I'd known about 4 years ago what I know now, I'd have insisted she live someplace with more than one level of care so moves not required. But, we were so happy she'd agreed to sell her house, none of us objected when she chose independent living. Hindsight, we should have. Moving to different surroundings with a different routine, new faces with staff is difficult and takes some time adjust ....

As always, wonderful help from my KT friends! It's unfortunate that one can't get hard facts about costs from these places without 'signing in'. Who wants to be deluged with, "Buy now!" You can at least see the sticker price at a car dealership without giving the salesman your contact information.

I sometimes see $1.5M 'buy in' fees for continuing care communities -- and a broad range of (adjustable) monthly fees $4-5K.

I'm leery about the way these facilities are bought and sold by corporations. I imagine that residents' contracts with a place and occupancy rates are on one side of a balance sheet -- and staffing, maintenance and services are on the cost side.

Then there is oversight -- or lack of it. Do Assisted Living facilities have medical responsibility for the residents? How are they licensed and inspected? How do they differ from earlier 'Boarding Houses', beyond offering little apartments instead of single rooms, and more luxurious common spaces, transportation...a social worker. Am I confusing Independent Living with Assisted Living? What is a typical distribution of deficits within an Assisted Living facility? Does it mix people with mental problems along with people whose bodies make it difficult to walk, bathe, get dressed?

For everyone considering a senior living complex, please look at all your options. The facility my mother-in-law is in has very accommodating meal arrangements and other services. While living in the independent apartments, she (and any guests she may chose to have share a meal) may utilize either a cafe or the dining room. Both offer a very wide variety of items. The cafe has breakfast until 11:00 am with most items free. You pay for eggs, meats and pancakes prepared to your specifications. The cafe lunch and dinner menu is soups/salads/sandwiches and usually has 2 daily specials in addition to the regular menu. The dining room has heavier fare with everything a la carte so seniors with smaller appetites don't end up with more than they can eat. They also offer a couple of specials each day. The costs at both are very reasonable, and are simply added to your monthly bill. Their goal is to keep you in your apartment as long as possible, so you can arrange for everything from help with your medications to housekeeping services while remaining in the apartment. It is only when you're to the point that you can no longer safely remain "on your own" that they suggest moving to assisted living. The assisted living area (it is in a separate wing of the same building) has efficiency apartments and a private dining room. There you are able to arrange for either 2/day or 3/day meals. This area is staffed to help you with all your daily living needs such as bathing/laundry/mobility assistance. Finally, the have nursing home and memory care units on the campus.

There is a $103,000 fee to "buy in" to this facility. But that ensures your right to move between care levels as needed for the remainder of your life. Should you die or choose to leave the facility prior to 5 years, a pro-rated refund is made. From our perspective, the monthly charge for the apartment of $2200 (including utilities except telephone) is reasonable. There is no charge for the transportation or safety checks. It allows her to live independently and safely, and there is no price you can put on the happiness she has with the arrangement.

So many points to consider. One more factor ... how do you think you will change as you age? At 60, I 'feel' pretty much like I always have: I love to cook, garden, read, listen to music, walk, etc. But I watched how my dad's world closed up as he got "really old". Things he used to enjoy, he let go, without it seeming to bother him. Maybe due to his mental deterioration? Or not. Just as an example, a few of the 90+ year old women at dad's Assisted Living home are still mentally sharp, and they can talk at length about foods they used to cook. But they seem happy to go to the dining table for their prepared meal. They don't seem discontent to not cook. So things that are important to you now, might not be important in the (distant?) future. (I wonder how I'll be....)

Any assistant living place will have a mix of mental and physically challenged people since one of the reasons people go there is so that any medications that they take are given correctly. While some will not think of forgetting to take your meds is a mental problem it is one of the most common things in the elderly. The inability to continue doing the normal daily living skills are often a mix of both mental and physical problems. Thinking Assisted Living is only for physically challenged people is something that just does not happen.

I'm afraid I am just like a friend's MIL. The lady had bought into an expensive l continuing care facility with pool, private car transportation, salon, choice of restaurants, excursions, etc. and was happy for four years in her 2BR apartment in the Independent Living section. Her physical condition deteriorated. The facility insisted she move from her apartment to a small space in the Assisted Living section. She stonewalled. Although one of the arguments for buying in was the financial benefit for her to continue to receive all levels of care with only modest price increases, she refused to "go live with the Loonies". After much negotiation, the facility allowed her to remain in her apartment -- with her family arranging and paying for what became round the clock care for two years. It all sounded good 'on paper'.

I don't want to make a similar mistake. While it is entirely possible that DH or I (or both of us) will ourselves suffer mental problems, we don't want to live with the deranged because we have physical difficulties as minor as needing help with bathing, dressing, moving around.

We're good where we are in the house we built as a 'forever' home. SFH one step up from the ground (and attached garage). Basement strictly to insulate us from the ground and to house the mechanicals; walk-up attic only for storage. No thresholds on tile and hardwood floors. 3-foot-wide doors. Spacious bathrooms. Close to all services, town and medical.

Assisted Living can be very nice only if you have the money to afford it. The rent for a place will not stay the same, over time it goes up. My kitchen is on the lower level, I have a bi level home, with bedrooms and living room and main bath and a second laundry room on the upper level, down stairs is a dining room, family room, kitchen and small bath and another laundry room plus the garage. I have been making plans to have a kitchenette up on the top level and this spring hope to have it ready. Now I do all of my cooking up here and on occasion go down to get things I need or whatever, but I don't want to be going up and down all the time since I live alone. My Mother lived in assisted living until she was unable to stay there. It was a very nice place, great care, great meals. The rent just kept going up, every few months. What happens when you run out of money?

Sue

Marilyn is right - they can be very nice if one can afford a good one. My late husband's aunt lived in a beautiful one in Williamsburg VA for about 30 years (she lived to be 103!). She started out in Independent Living - a small detached house that had about 2600 sq ft. From there, she moved to an Independent Living apartment in the main building - smaller. She still had her car and was driving. Then it was an Assisted Living apt in the main building - no car, and finally, a single room in Skilled Nursing for the last 3-4 years of her life. The price was in the stratosphere but they did get some back after she died. He daughter (now in her 80's and husband in his mid-90's) have been an an Independent Living semi-detached house now for several years. Her husband has now had to move across the street into Skilled Nursing.

I have a friend who is moving into an Independent Living single house at our local top home here in KY. It's expensive, and unless one has sold ones house, one is going to be out the upfront fee before getting the money from ones house. Considering the wait on their list can be 3 years or more, one really can't sell and then move; one moves and then puts the house up for sale unless one has a lot of spare cash lying around - usually $250,000-300,000. And then there is the monthly fee. She gets back 95% if she leaves in the first year, and then it goes down to a bottom of 75%, but that is AFTER they do all the renovations, the cost of which is deducted from the money one receives.

Basically, such places require a lot of liquid assets. If one relies on ones IRA income or 401K or has trust income, this will not be enough - they want CASH.

Where meals are concerned, they are all different. My friend does not have to buy any meals but my husband's cousin in VA has a certain number required weekly. That place does not allow a couple to eat alone or a single to do so - they are "encouraged" to plan "dinner parties" every single night. Yikes! Gawd, I would hate that... I like people but not all the time and especially not at night when I'm tired.

The cheaper places are depressing; the expensive ones have a lot of forced frivolity. I hope I just die in my bed in my own house.

I don't think I'll ever be able to afford assisted living. It's so expensive.

Depending on medical and other issues such as deteriorating hearing and vision, I may not be happy with coping with a lot of moving and expense that is not going to really make a difference at a certain point. If I'm not happy living, I would just call it quits.

My mom 88 has gone “downhill” quickly and we are going to be looking at Assisted Living later this week. Have been trying to get my mom to look at facilities for a couple of years, she was always too “busy”. In the last two months, mom has gone from being fully independent with an active life to needing in-home care. While we expect her to physically recover from her current sciatic issue, she now has occasional confusion that requires she have help. Very nervous about finding a good Assisted Living where the waiting list time-frame is not long. Mom has LTC insurance but assuming she recovers from her sciatica she is not in bad enough condition to qualify for benefits, the prices here in So Cal are crazy so of course that plays into our choice.

jill302 and others before placing your loved ones in any type of care situation talk to your doctor about what type of care is needed. You need to be aware that if someone is going downhill especially rapidly a nursing home may be a better fit than assisted living especially if the decline is severe. There is a misconception that nursing homes cost more than assisted living places. While that may be true in some areas the add ons at assisted living places for a declining person may total more than the monthly fee.

There is no shame in using Medicaid to care for a loved one other than emotionally for some. The shame is not allowing your children to do things or saving money for your own retirement because having an inheritance or not using public assistance is more important.

Here's what nobody wants...my leaning experience -- an example of my own need to be proactive to avoid this scenario.

My friends are in a crisis that they refuse to address. I'm afraid it has to get even worse before it gets better. The DH has removed his wife from the very good nursing home to home against family and medical advice. He refuses to consider plans for home health aides, meals, all the service his family have found and vetted -- and that would be *paid for* by insurance. These are not poor people, but they are both convinced that they 'can't afford' to move to a care facility. Of course, it's not just that, it is a control issue -- his life story. (Not to be ignored by those of us who can't/won't see similar traits in ourselves.)

Since her fall (small fracture in neck) five weeks ago, she has been in ER, Surgical Wing, Nursing Home, Home again...where DH is calling 911 four times within two days. Back to ER and another admission while meds were refined, then in care at this nursing facility to regain mental stability and physical strength.

She requires a walker to go a few steps, then needs a wheelchair. Her MD wanted the children to get POA's. One would. The other wouldn't. Now they are on pins and needles. Obviously, neither party here is entirely lucid. Neither will consider moving from this 3-story townhome -- with an elevator the DH adamantly refuses to *use* (despite his falling on the stairs twice in two months). A fall last spring put him in hospital for weeks while blood was drained from around his brain -- result of earlier falls -- and a condition that re-occurs, distorting the mind's perception of reality. He required restraints in hospital.

Pins and needles here, too. Feeling helpless to help.

I'm following this thread with great interest because this something we have started to think about even though it is several years away for us unless something unexpected happens.

I remember touring a few of these facilities when my dad was trying to decide what he wanted to do after my mom died. They were beautiful places with many amenities, but relentless in calling and mailing sales pitches to him. Dad found the agressiveness so offputting that he ended up doing something completely different.

chisue depending on how close you are to the family make them aware that without a POA even with a living spouse if something happens they will need to go to court for two things. A guardianship to control where she lives. A conservatorship to control the money and pay for things. With a POA and that only requires one person to be the POA. I had to become both when my husband had a sudden downturn in his health. Keeping track of what is spent for everything and maintaining separate account/s so that those records can be given to the court every year is time consuming. Each state has it's own laws concerning the conservatorship.

If the doctors do not feel that she is safe to go home they can ask that a guardian be appointed for her to handle her needs which takes it out of the families control.

maifleur -- Ah, THAT might make the family move on this...the threat of a court appointed guardian ad litum if they will NOT act. I wouldn't trust my pet to an underfunded, often dead in the job, guardian.

Another thing to consider is how staying in your own home will affect your family. My mother would never consider moving and in fact was good until her mid 90s. Now she needs help but has missed the boat for assisted living. Moving her at this point would be horrendous for her. This means I get all the responsibility, worry and guilt about her wellbeing. I also have to take care of house repairs and her finances and all appointments. Fortunately she is well set financially, thanks to my dad’s success and even more so to how wisely she handled the money.

I would enjoy her company so much more if I did not feel a certain amount of resentment at being tied down by her needs. Of course I love her and want to be there for her, she is 101! Nevertheless, think about who will be watching out for you and how it will impact their lives. Would having you in a retirement community with help at hand make their lives easier? Most of us do not want to be a burden.

Want an eyeful? Seniors get fleeced in businesses set up to do this:

how-the-elderly-lose-their-rights

Lucille it is not only businesses that do this but family members.

destined, at one time, SHE was "tied down" by YOUR constant needs. It does go full circle.

Do I recall is a book by a physician describing normal physical changes throughout life? Something like, "How We Age"? I'd be interested to see 'normal decline' just due to age.

I trace my own decline from being healthy enough to get a house built in my early sixties; to being 'pretty good' up to 72; to a steady decline to now, when I am 77 -- and have lost two inches in height. My DH was virtually unchanged to age 78. Two years later he has thinned and shrunk in height and walks more slowly. We both believe we are mentally intact, but are *slower*. What's next? What changes should be expected -- and planned for?

It isn't the expected normal aging changes that worry me but rather the unexpected life altering ones that frighten me. The fall that breaks a hip, the stroke, the diagnosis of Alzheimers, the slower reaction time while driving and being involved in a car accident. etc.

My DH and I are 'only' 66 and we are still in our house of 30 years but we have already purged it and will do another purge in the summer so that our kids don't have to do it if we have to downsize unexpectedly, we have all our paperwork in order (POA's designated, wills done, trustees appointed, etc), we have funds set aside for assisted living so that we never have to live with our kids (that is not their responsibility), we have had discussions with our kids about where the paper work is outlining our bank accts, who the lawyer is, where our investments are located, etc.

My parents did this for us and we are doing, not only for our kids but for us as well.

We had our kids when we were older and they are 31 and 29 and we could very well be infirmined and they could very well be raising toddlers at the same time which is much to much of a burden for them.

I will be 57 this year and am thinking about this a lot lately. I haven't made up my mind whether to sell my house and move into an apartment. After reading this post, I'm thinking I will move into an apartment eventually and sell my house. I also have seen (long distance) all the work my brothers had to do to clear out and fix up my dad's house to sell it. They still haven't put it on the market and have been working on it for months now. I don't want my kids to have to go through all that. I think this summer I will get rid of a bunch of stuff. Can't move out until my dogs are gone, though. I wouldn't make them live in an apartment with no backyard to run in. I already made up my mind not to get another dog. Emily is 19 and Chewie is around 9.

19?! What kind of dog is Emily?

In the sixth post here I spoke of advantages related to several single persons sharing a housing unit:

- mental, social stimulation

- better diet

- shared chores

- safety, immediate care when need

- lower rent/housing cost

- probable delay entering care place

- earlier back home from hosp. stay.

Seems to me that such an operation could offer several important advantages.

ole joyful

Anglophilia, in response to your comment. Yes, she was tied down by my constant needs at one time. I was tied down by my own sons constant needs at one time, too, although I never felt tied down. I wanted children and enjoyed the years when they were young. It was my choice. However, I plan to move to assisted living some day so they do not have to be worried about an elderly mother alone in her house who requires their assistance. Raising a family and caring for an elderly person are two entirely different situations.

OJ I had thought seriously at one time about such an arrangement, before I sold my last house. If all goes well, it could certainly provide many huge advantages. The problem is that here in Texas at least it can be difficult to evict people, and should they move in and not pay their share or do their chores, in can be a big deal to cope with not to mention that such behavior can be infectious when other see how difficult enforcement of payment/chores is.

Under age children can't win the argument against you, when you want them to do something. When you say, "Because I said so!", it sticks.

Anglo- the 2 really can't be compared. An adult choosing to have a baby and willingly devoting their time, attention and resources to that helpless child that didn't ask to be brought into this world is far different from an adult who has had a lifetime of experience and TIME to plan for their own needs.

To not plan and just expect that your children will shoulder the burden of your care is unfair and selfish.

"To not plan and just expect that your children will shoulder the burden of your care is unfair and selfish."

Of course. A corollary problem some may face is that inflexibility and high-maintenance ways of the oldster can be off-putting and limit the willingness of family members otherwise needed to help. People needing care, when still in command of their mental capabilities, need to be mindful of how they can make it easier (and not harder) for people to help them. When cognitive skills start to wane, better care than part time assistance from family members is often what's needed. Of course usually the downhill slide of losing mental and or physical capabilities is what results in people needing to move to a facility that can provide the care needed.

I have a relative, who along with her husband, have seriously considered buying a large home to share with the close friends in their social circle. Their idea is that everyone would have a private master suite/bath/sitting room and that they would share the kitchen/living room area. Meals could be eaten together or not, depending on individual plans and social obligations. Everyone could come and go as they wish and chores such as cleaning would be the responsibility of all for the shared area and it would be up to them to maintain their private living areas. Driving is another thing that those still capable would do for those who were no longer able. When the time came that any of the individuals was no longer able to manage this arrangement, the others would buy them out and make the space available to another individual/couple.

It's an interesting idea. These people have been sharing a large home for extended golf vacations in Palm Springs for many winters so they are used to living together and aware of each other's habits and quirks. Whether or not they will actually do it remains to be seen.

Even if someone's health would become really bad just asking someone to leave a communal living situation does not mean that legally they must leave especially if they have purchased the right to be there in most states. Removing a renter is hard enough without someone owning and therefore having the right to use their own property.

Communal living while sounding good also means you must compromise on everything you do from simple things like what is for breakfast to more complex issues if you are contributing to the expenses.

Eld, Emily is a mutt, part black lab and possibly beagle? She is still in good shape, although, she does have cataracts and I am pretty sure her hearing is nearly gone. She's also lost some muscle in her hind legs even though she can still jump my back fence if not let inside fast enough.

Enough comments, 52, for one a week for a whole year - in three days, yet! Well, it has become four, now.

And - long ones: takes a long time for the indicator telling how far you've scrolled to get near the bottom.

Many differing experiences and ideas put forward - interesting.

ETA next Mon. (nine days, now)

While I can't offer statistics, I think that sharing a home with congenial others/friends might well extend one's life, quite likely primarily the good years ... and preferable than to being in an institution where one doesn't get to choose one's neighbours, especially ones lacking many of their mental or emotional marbles.

I've thought it preferable if the founding group be people who knew one another well and were congenial.

There would need to be contractual agreements from the beginning as to when the residents could be required to leave, were they unwilling: maybe allowing such a resident to hire an outsider to do their share of chores might be considered, but such could provide an unwelcome precedent.

I have been thinking that very likely there'd be friends coming and going, such that when a vacancy developed, there might be one or several known persons as potential replacements.

I've been thinking in terms of a rental property and I'm not familiar with the legal and financial ramifications of transferring partial ownership of a residential property, repeated every few years.

I have hoped that a church, or several congregations together, might take on such a project - more lively than operating a cemetery! Perhaps part of the proceeds of sale of a closing church could fund a major portion, along with loans from initial residents, which would reduce to cover a modest increase in their ongoing fees. As some left, it would be necessary for the incoming resident to replace the departing resident's payout.

blfenton ......

You referred to someone falling and breaking a hip but I've been thinking that often it's the hip that, due to weakened bone, breaks ... and down the person goes! The hip causes the fall, rather than the other way around.

ole joyful