Seems to be a theme here- my son in law calls us by our first names as my daughter calls his mom and step dad by their first names.

The Grands call us grandma and grampa (occasionally grandma salon but usually just grandma). The other grandparents use the Yiddish for grandma and grandpa so it all works.

Depends on the family. Early dating time Mrs followed by first or last name shows respect and not too personal. Probably will be told the preference. As marriage becomes closer allow the person addressed to tell you their preference. In many families I have noticed multiple people with similar names so when in a group using first names may devolve into nicknames. In some communities Mother Last Name/First Name is used when nonfamily members are present but not when with family but is helpful. It can also be used in the multiple name situation.

First names, grands, Mimi and Papa.

"Do some societies have accepted terms for one set of parents to refer to the other set of parents -- our children's spouses' parents?"

There's a word for this relationship in Yiddish: machetunim.

No first names for me - husband agreed. We never called our own in-laws by their first names - they told us what they wanted to be called and that was fine with us. I didn't want "mom" as they had a mother. I ended up being called "Mola" - SIL came up with this while living in NYC - sort of an acronym for Mother-in-law. My husband was called Poppa after we married - we told my children they could not call him "Daddy" as that would have been hurtful to their own father, we didn't like first names and his god children called him Uncle... They came up with Poppa and half of my daughter's friends called him that as well as all the grandchildren. My grandchildren call me Gram -pronounced "Grahhm". Named by first grandson.

My children were asked by their own inlays to call them by their first names. They were always very uncomfortable doing this as they had been brought up to never call an adult by his first name. Neither my parents nor my inlaw's would ever allowed us to call them by their first names. Just not done...

Do what you prefer! With the grands, chances are a grandchild will decide what your name is to be.

"they had been brought up to never call an adult by his first name."

Did you leave out the part that that good rule of respect and politeness no longer applied when they became adults too?

Mom. And Mia. Gotta say most of the time, when grands are around everyone calls me Mia.

Son calls us mom and dad and his spouse calls us by our first names.
DD calls us mom and dad and her spouse calls DH by his first name and me ma or mom.

Grand kids call us grandma and grandpa. If more grandparents are present or if they want to mention a specific grandparent they add our first names.

The other grandma did all she could to get the kids to call them grammy and papa. DD ran interference by never saying they couldn't but always used grandma and grandpa when referring to them. So it never took. The papa part really grated on DD. She said my kids have a father,dad, papa whatever they decide to call him.

We (DD and I) always felt that it really came down to whatever the grand kids chose to call us. If they chose to call us something else us on their own that would be fine. But we were to be presented as grandparents first. Grandma and Grandpa.

I, too, wonder why children raised to not call adults by their first names would be uncomfortable when THEY are adults using first names for other adults? That seems very strange to me. I really dislike when someone tells their children to call me Mrs. Olylastname. I've never gone by Mrs. and regretfully changed my last name to my husbands when I married, so Mrs. Husband'slastname sounds like someone's referring to my mother-in-law. I am deeply identified with my first name and prefer to be called that. Although I do delight when one of my grandson's playmates simply calls me Grandma, like he does.

My kids have always called their gramma, Gramma Ruby. She has a difficult to pronounce first name and her dog was named Ruby, so when they would ask which gramma was coming, I'd say gramma with Ruby dog. Soon it just became Gramma Ruby and most of their friends (and mine) now think my mom's first name is Ruby. So my advice is to choose carefully now, so that you don't accidentally become Gramma Rover :)

My far-away grandmother was named Celia, so we referred to her as Granma Cele...which I heard and said as Granma Seal. I never questioned why my grandmother was a seal. But then, I also thought that when you get old, you go grey, you get wrinkly, your pace slows, your hands tremble, and your mouth can't speak English as well (that is, you develop an accent). Everyone in my grandparents' generation was an immigrant.

My MIL has always been called mom. My FIL, I called him by his first name. They are/were Grandma and Grandpa to my kids.

Husband used to call my mom by her first name when we were first married, now she is Mom. He used to call my dad by his first name, never has felt comfortable calling him Dad. After my dad helped us remodel our first house, he became affectionately known as the Foreman. So, now my husband and several of his/our friends all call my dad Foreman. He even signs cards that way. To my kids, they are Nana and Papa.

My first name is a long name that is frequently shortened. I don't mind friends calling me by the shortened form, but I don't want to be addressed that way by people I don't know or by children. My brother keeps referring to me as Aunt (short name) to my nephews and I keep correcting him to Aunt (long name). Quite annoying really.

I sensed the same awkwardness when our eldest got engaged. Her fiance is a southern boy who was raised with those lovely southern manners. So the day they got engaged, I just asked him to call us by our first names. It took quite a while for him to be comfortable with that. That has ensued with the other engagements in the family. I asked the grandsons call us Grandma and Grandpa, only because that is what I called my grandparents. Our daughter's in-laws wanted to pick names distinct from ours, so they are Grammy and Granddad, names they wanted because they also felt they sounded younger, or not so old.

My SIL calls us Mom and Dad. My ex-DIL stuttered around it, sometimes using Mom and other times not. As I remember she didn't call my DH anything. The grands call me Grandma and him Papa (or some variation - it seems to change as they age)

My son in law calls me Mom, his own mother died over 20 years ago. My grandkids and great grandkids call me Grammy.

It seems awkward, and maybe a bit strange, for someone who's not someone's parent to be referred to by them as Mom or Dad. My name is my first name and I'm happy for anyone, young or old, to call me that. I'm Dad only for my own kids and no one else's.

My daughters-in-law call me by my first name. My grandmother name is YaYa. Sometimes, everyone calls me YaYa. I love it.

So thanks all, I’ve really enjoyed the thread. I think part of my confusion is that my son has 2 friends that have been a part of our family since elementary school. Because they basically lost their mother when they were little they took to calling me mom, and still do(one is here now for Thanksgiving,). But since I haven’t known the fiancée for very long I didn’t want to put her on the spot with that. I think we settled on just first names and all are happy with that. Hopefully grandparent names are down the road a bit so I have time to work on that. But I would like something unique. I have friends and family that have unusual grandparen names and I find it charming. I guess because my grandparents went by grandmother and grandfather only and it always felt so standoffish.

My daughter in law and my son in law call us by our first names. My grandson calls me Oma. I called my mother in law by her first name. My sister called her mother in law, "Maw". Like from the Waltons………. I refused to call my mother in law anything close to what I call my own mother who is the lady who carried me for 8 months and raised me for 18 years. SHE and only she is my mom. Mother. "maw". Mum.

Bookwoman, I sure could use that "machetunim" word.

I am called Mimi by my grandchildren.

DiL calls me "Mom"....SILs call me by my first name...and I am "Grandma" to my grandkids.

We called my father's parents Big Mama and Big Daddy following the lead of older cousins. I don't know why they started that but it is the literal sense of grand. Or perhaps like The German Gross mutter, that sense of gross also literally means big. On the other side we has a Grannie and Papa. I have no children but I believe all my many sibs are Grandmas and Grandpas. No one in my extended family would dream of usurping the beloved Grannie and Papa labels. I called my in-laws by their first names. My father-in-law never said anything for years but I eventually learned he would have preferred to be called Dad. I would have if only I had known.

The Yiddish term for the parents of your son or daughter in law is "Machatunim" (plural). The singular female is "Machatainista"; the singular male is "Machitin". The "ch" pronunciation is the guttural sound so elusive for native English speakers.

I will never understand the aversion so many have to being called grandma or whatever grandma is in another language if you have an ethnic background.

Being a much loved grandma is so very special. I want the world to know my relationship to my grand children. i don't want to be mistaken for anything else.

Elmer, my children's friends, now in their late 40's still call me Mrs..., not by my first name. My children do the same with their parents, and that's what THEY also prefer! I'm 75 but I would probably call someone who was 20 years older than I am and whom I've known all my life, by Mrs/Mr unless they requested that I start doing otherwise.

My mother was of an era where even contemporaies would NEVER call one another by their first name unless asked to do so. When a good friend and I used to take our visiting mothers to lunch, the older ladies called one another Mrs... and no one suggested otherwise. In their generation such familiarity just wasn't done.

It's just the way "my tribe" does things...

What you're describing sounds unnecessarily stuffy.

I remember several occasions in college (and I'm a boomer, so this is late 60s and early 70s), meeting parents of friends, and being told "Oh, don't call me Mr. Bunny, please use Bugs." For a short while, I think I at times would ask, but would always be given the first name to use. "Do you prefer Mr. Le Pew?" "No, just call me Pepe." This is another genie that never goes back into the bottle, I stopped asking.

No grandkids, but my DD's friends would often call me Mrs. "D". A little less formal than the entire name.

My mother was Grandma to her grandkids, and my dad was Granddad. Except one set of grandkids called her Grandma Julie because the other grandmother was Grandma something else....I can't remember. My dad was already dead by then. My daughter called us Mom and Dad. My husband called my mother Grandma....however, I never heard him call her anything until after our daughter was born. I called my mother and father....Mama and Daddy. I will probably never have a grandchild, but if I do, whatever they call me is fine.

I was taught when I was a child to not call any adults by their first name....although sometimes they were called Aunt and Uncle...even if they weren't related. It is common in the south to call someone by their first name but add a Mr or Mrs. to it, or it was common when I was growing up. I don't know about now. Only they always pronounced it Miss....so I would be Miss Marilyn and my husband would be Mr. Jody. The other shrimpers that know me, usually call me Miss Jody. One of my neighbors, that knew me for years, always called me Susie. I have no idea why....I never asked him. I should have....I found it sort of annoying.

My paternal grandmother was "grandmother smith". I met her only once as an eight year old. My paternal grandfather died when I was six months old so I never knew him.

My grandparents on my mother's side were grammy and grampy. I had a warm, loving relationship with both of them and even though they've been gone for many years now, I miss them still.

My parents were called by all their grandchildren the Danish version of grandmother and grandfather which are Mormor mother's mother and Morfar mother's father. DH's parents were called Grandma and Grandpa. Being grand parents is not in the cards for us according to our children. C'est la vie.

Elmer, sorry you find good manners "stuffy". But then you're a Baby Boomer from CA, so what was I expecting? I don't care what your inlaw's or 3 year olds call you, but you seem to feel it's okay to criticize what people I know do.

All this casualness is simply not the way we were raised.

No, I said it sounded stuffy. Stilted and needlessly stiff are other good words.

Casualness in appearance and manner are enablers for friendly and honest dealings and relationships without affectations. Good manners are good manners, they have nothing to do with needlessly following artificially stiff outdated practices.

Having dealt with a lot of very formal and stiff people in my lifetime, here and abroad (especially in the UK but also elsewhere) I think one is more likely to encounter an insincere phony among those putting on airs than among those who are down to earth and genuine. But that's just my own experience.

I'm a Baby Boomer in CA, and I definitely appreciate formality. When I was in the hospital recently, one of the nurses kept calling me "Bud" (or sometimes "Buddy"), and I found that very offensive and complained about her later. My complaint was based mainly on how she botched trying to insert a catheter, but that's a different story. I told my doctor about this nurse, and the hospital called me later to apologize and promised to talk to that nurse about the proper way to address people. My father would call me "Bud" when he was mad at me, and so hearing this made me very uncomfortable. All the other nurses called me "Sir" or "Mr. X", which I found comforting. Making up a name like Bud or Buddy can be very dangerous, as one will not know what associations the person (like me) has with those names, and I have bad associated with both of them.

I have no in-laws, but my brother and sister both have step-children. My mother did not consider these step-children to be her step-grandchildren, but when my sister wrote the obituary for my mother, she included all step-grandchildren as survivors, which I know my mother would not have liked. I do not consider my brother's and sister's stepchildren to be my step-nephews and step-nieces, but I know people who do, even after the sibling has died.

Back to formality - other languages have formal and informal words for you, as in German, Italian, Spanish, and French (which are the only other languages I speak). I generally think it is better to err by being too formal when first meeting someone, but my friends in Mexico City would be offended if a friend of mine used Usted with them - they said it made them feel old. In Italian, it always seemed proper to start with formal "you", but in German, it depended on the situation - among peers, the informal "you" can be used from the beginning. I haven't had many conversations in French because my accent is so bad, and that is offensive enough for the French to prefer speaking English with me.

I called my Alsatian grandmother Mamaw and my grandfather Papaw. My grandmother referred to her father as Papa. I called my other grandmother Grandma X (last name), and my other grandfather died before I was born.

"Back to formality - other languages have formal and informal words for you, as in German, Italian, Spanish, and French (which are the only other languages I speak)."

Like so very, very, very many other words and grammatical conventions, the usage of which have changed over time, modern English evolved to drop most (not all) of the different forms of you, which is 2nd person singular vs plural. 2nd person singular (familiar) in the nominative case still exists, it's just not used - thou.

I know that describing the different forms as "formal" vs "informal" is the usual terminology but it's misleading. Better adjectives would "familiar" and "not familiar", or known and not known. In many languages the formal form is used with strangers, whether the speaker thinks the difference in status is up, down, or level, so it's not necessarily a matter of respect or manners. Even at work. Once you've encountered someone a few times, the familiar form is the default. Continuing on with the formal form is viewed as being standoffish, haughty or trying to maintain an unnecessary distance.

Well, Elmer, I guess you are the "new" Miss Manners. What you say, is Gospel and we all must follow it or we will not be "friendly" and might be rightly accused of being "affected".

Those of us that follow those conventions consider it "respectful" and respect goes a long way toward friendliness. I find it very disrespectful if a young mother suggests that her 3 year old address me by my first name. I found it very disrespectful when the nurses at my mother's doctors' offices called her by her first name. First of all, she was always called by her first AND middle names - NEVER in her life was she called by just her first name. Secondly, they were in their 20's and she in her 80's. It was disrespectful and non-professional to call her anything other than Mrs....

Once again your dislike of the UK. Well, I would prefer that a shop clerk call me "Madame" than "Sweetie" or "Honey" any old day.

When in Rome, do as the Romans do.

I grew up using a lot of sirs and mams, Mr., Mrs., and Miss. Toward the end of teenage years I found situations in which to use Ms., but that was generally how people around me pronounced Mrs., anyway. Last names were used for adults who were not family. Aunts and Uncles would hear their first name along with the title, Aunt or Uncle.

When I moved out of the south, I at first continued those habits, but quickly changed when I noticed people seemed to think I was mocking or trying to manipulate them with sirs, mams, and Misters, etc. My Southern habit did not go over well in this part of the Midwest! Nowadays, I would have to make a conscious effort to speak that way.

I started college in the South and every professor was addressed as Professor Lastname or Dr. Lastname. I finished college in a larger institution in the Midwest, where professors were Ginny, Jim, Gary, Padrick, Ellen, etc.

My daughter-in-law calls me by my first name, as I first requested.

No, just my own experiences, as I said clearly. Practices are regional to an extent but no matter, times have changed and I suspect views and practices of the modern day aren't what you assume them to be.

Even at work. Once you've encountered someone a few times, the familiar
form is the default. Continuing on with the formal form is viewed as
being standoffish, haughty or trying to maintain an unnecessary
distance.

That has not been my experience at all. And I do not like people assuming they can be "familiar" with me without my consent, if I think familiarity is inappropriate. Therefore, I still stand with my statement that it is better to err by being too formal and to err by being too familiar. After all, familiarity breeds contempt!

If I want someone to be less formal with me, I will let them know - I do not appreciate it when they assume that they can be familiar with me when I do not feel the same way. I went to college in the south (Houston) and always called my professors Dr Lastname - I would have felt uncomfortable calling them anything else. When I got my second degree in the late 1980s (in Austin), I still called my professors by formal names, even if some of them were younger than I was.

I've never been to the Midwest...

When I visited Rome, I used formal language with most people, including taxi drivers, and they did with me as well. If I met someone in a bar, that was a different story.

Lars, We're all relating our experiences. Besides my career in business in the US, I spent several years living, working, and doing a fair amount of work travel in Western Europe. I was based in a Western European country and had a work environment where English was NOT the main language spoken or used. I read and speak several languages well, including well enough for daily work use without English.

Lars. I'm glad to hear about your experiences when visiting Rome. Italian is a language I have only passing ability with and you may be right there. But I suspect you understand that a visitor's temporary encounters don't come close to comparing to years of living and working in such circumstances.

Elmer, you said, "...times have changed and I suspect views and practices of the modern day aren't what you assume them to be."

I don't live in a cave, Elmer! I'm not assuming anything! I know my DD and DS still call the parents of their friends and my friends Mr & Mrs. My daughter uses a dear friend of mine as her broker - she's known him all her life and she still calls him Mr. I have not lived in Los Angeles in over 34 years, but when I did, I never heard a child in my neighborhood or at my church, call an adult by his first name. And my CA friend's children still call me Mrs... I know what my children's grown friends on Martha's Vineyard call me and what my children call their parents. NEVER by a first name!

My DGS informs me that only one of his professors at his Ivy has suggested that his students call him by his first name; he's quite young. All the rest are Professor.... One of the professors there is his godfather and he calls him Uncle Professor... and he loves it! He was a groomsman in my DD's and DSIL's wedding - he had been their professor - and they still call him Professor...and he has never suggested that this change.

Elmer, I could care less where you've lived and worked. Clearly we move in very different circles, I would suggest that you not assume you know the social norms in mine. I do know them.

The use of honorifics has nothing to do with being stuffy or not being casual; it's a sign of respect. We could use a bit more of that these days.

We called my mother's mom, GranMrs. Later years it became Gran+Stan (my grandfather that we called Granddaddy) My mom is Nannie Annie. My dad is Daddy Tim. I called my MIL Margaret. I don't have to worry about what they'll call me. Yet.

anglo, sorry, you misunderstood, the comment about foreign languages you take exception to was a response to Lars. I've tried to clarify that.

In response to your speaking about your own adult kids' practices, I said above "Did you leave out the part that that good rule of respect and politeness no longer applied when they became adults too?" Child to adult is different from adult to adult.

Calling faculty members Professor X? For undergrads, of course. And in Germany, it's Herr Professor Doktor X.

Our society in many but not all places has gotten much more friendly, unpretentious, and casual during my lifetime. It's been a positive change. You can be just as disrespectiful when calling someone Mr or Mrs or Ms as you can using their first names, the title is irrelevant. Using normal titles outside of professional dignity (like doctor) is falling by the wayside. You can dislike it but you can't deny it.

Professor Doctor always makes me laugh. I've met a few knighted-what do you call them then?

To me, it depends whether you know them or not and what the relationship is. No different than Mr. X.

One of the best teachers I ever had was my high school art teacher. I have great respect and admiration for this man. It's been many years since he was my teacher but we stay in touch via an annual Christmas letter. He is in his 90's now, and even though he has told me I can call him by his first name, I can't bring myself to do that. He is and always will be Mr. Smith to me even though I have officially reached senior status myself.

They call me Sue, the newest son in law asked what I would like to be called and I told him whatever he wanted to call me. The grands and the great grands call me Grandma or Grandma Sue.

Sue

So not Sir Professor Doctor Smith? I call the two I interact with often by their first name. I was joking ;)

terilyn - we are also Mimi & Papa

I was on a fist name basis with my wife's parents, but on occasions when a more formal address was appropriate, I referred to them as Mother 'last name' and Father 'last name'.