Sending an online hug. Holidays are difficult, and you don’t have DH here to share in the happiness that’s going on in the kids lives. That will always be tough. I’m glad you have people to visit with and share your feelings, even if it is virtual.

I understand, and I am so sorry this came and hit you right now. Tends to do

that, I know. Hard, hard road, no matter how long it has been, I think. Sending

a hug for comfort and understanding. Hugs.

So sorry. Sending you comforting thoughts.

Yes to therapy. A good place to concentrate on just you.

I am so similar to you. Though your situation was MUCH more horrendous, I have kept a recording of 5 or 6 of my mother's chatty phone messages but cannot listen to them; I can hardly look at her picture. Don't be mad at yourself, please, Satine. It may be that this is a bit of a catharsis for you at this time and a good cry can be helpful. For the short term, I'd suggest either going to see a funny movie or reading a humorous book. (Go to the library?) Those two things can help me get out of a funk. I know what you mean when you say talking about your memories and feelings may have the effect of making you feel worse--been there. Certainly go back to therapy if that helps, but in the meantime force yourself out of the house and if possible, help someone. (Yeah, that's a tall order.) I'll think of you today and hope you will find a tiny ray of metaphorical sunshine.

Erin

We're here for you! Make that appointment with a therapist today. Even if you aren't able to connect with the same person or group, start. It's a GOOD thing, not something to put off.

I don't think you need to hide YOU from your family. Make a therapy plan and talk to them. (Besides which, they already *know*.) Let them add some loving, happy balance to your day.

I'm glad you are looking for help, not just wallowing. First steps!

((((((hugs)))))

By writing this post you already are trying to help yourself. I think talking to someone is a good idea. I did that for about 2 months and it helped wonderfully. I didn't feel like I was burdening my daughters and someone that didn't even know me helped me and showed caring. Holidays are always tough. Hang in there.

Sorry to hear how you are feeling. I've been there!

Sometimes it takes an act of will to start thinking of the good times and to be thankful that you had them.

Therapy if you can, and keeping busy are remedies. Sharing with all of us helps too.

My husband used to say, "This, too will pass." I hated hearing it but he was right.

I understand you completely. My sister, who lives in another state sometimes asks me how I'm doing since my husband passed away. I always say this -- "I can be distracted" because why would I want her to be worried about me when she's far away?. And yet it's true that sometimes it's unbearable. I have to go through all his things and papers -- there is a lot-- because I'm working on a tribute to him. I see photos, try to avoid looking and then I'll see one that brings him back all too well and that's it.

My friend M, who lost her 26 year old daughter, joined a group of others who had lost children. M is pretty much a loner and she didn't like the idea of weekly meetings with other weeping parents. Guess what? She joined because it at least filled up one night of her week. She is with people who understand each other and do not talk about it constantly. They have gone on retreats. She has made friends. For some of these parents it's been years since their loss. Satine -- do you think this kind of thing would be one arrow in your bow to help you along?

Wiser people than me have already spoken, so all I can add is -- I'm sorry you are hurting. Hang in there!

So sorry, sending hugs, comfort and peace. keep on talking to us. when u type/say your feelings, that alone can be a comfort.

i understand not telling your children. they grieve differently than you, as in a different relationship. i totally agree with going back to therapy. i think when u tell a person that is not emotionally attached, you can get very helpful advice and techniques on how to deal with it all.

Hang in there

I did the same thing a couple of months ago, Satine, and spent a miserable couple of days just heartbroken and feeling like my wounds were so fresh again. Finally I came through it, and spent the next week or so just numb, much like I was when he died, in the fog state. I made it through, and getting my bearings again. For me it has helped that I have volunteer work and a couple of appointments to get out of the house and around others. I understand not wanting to burden your children, I did the same thing. It's ok as long as you don't burrow in and allow the grief to overcome. Sending you loving thoughts that you will work your way through this pain and be able to enjoy those around you again.

I'm sorry. We never stop hurting, we just learn to deal with it, hide it, fight it back, but sometimes it pushes thru. I hope you feel better soon.

Can I say something from the other side? I have only lost my dad to whom (who?) I was very close but I didn't realize how much my mom missed my dad for years because she never said anything and it wasn't until I mentioned something years later that she mentioned how lonely she was.We had a number of conversations after that and I think it helped both of us. Other friends of mine have lost a child and a husband and they say the same thing - "I don't want to burden anyone with my feelings" BURDEN US!

We're there for that. There are people who are close to you who may not beable to help but want to listen and to give you a hug. Phone your daughters and just say "I was thinking of your dad today and still miss his (fill in the blank - laugh, smile, stupid jokes) and he would be thrilled to be a grandpa, thrilled at your raise and how well you're doing or whatever works. It doesn't have to be maudlin or long but just a quick sentence. You never know, other family members or friends may be thinking the same thing.

Counselling may still be beneficial but don't shut your family and friends out.

This may also be part of SAD. It is not all of it but perhaps being outside when the sun is shining or going to a plant store where there is something that is green and growing can help. Your daughters will notice you are a little different so simply tell them you found the cards and they brought back memories. While you may not want to see the cards again your daughters may ask to see them which is fine. Sharing sadness can sometimes turn to happiness when the talk turns to good memories.

Satine, I'm sorry that you're going through a rough time. Sometimes we think we are doing just fine, moving on and coping when grief and sadness can hit us like a ton of bricks.

As far as talking to your daughters, I think blfenton's suggestion is an excellent way to bring it up with your daughters. They might enjoy reminiscing and talking about their dad. Don't shut them out; you've been there for them all these years, now it's your turn to lean on them.

I'm so very sorry. The holidays intensifies feelings of sadness for a lot of people too.

Keep posting here, counseling will help.

I cannot imagine the grief of losing a spouse.

Tuck those cards away someplace where you're not likely to be looking at them again. Keep moving forward if you can. Hey, you're going to be a grandma :)

Thank you all for your responses. Im feeling a little better. I had a cup of tea and slept for a couple of hours. I just feel wrung out. Hoping to feel better tomorrow.

So sorry you are struggling satine.

I was so close to my Mom and losing her was not only losing a Mom but my best friend too. I can share with you what helped me. One thing I did was take up meditation, especially about grief to help me deal with my feelings. I've found it very helpful including taking a couple of courses in mindfulness. It's not been easy, it's not "fixed" anything, but it's added an important tool to my toolbox to help deal with grief and suffering.

One thing I found very helpful was making a bridal veil for a friend of mine. My Mom taught me how to sew and made a number of bridal gowns and was so creative about it. Sewing, crafting was something we both enjoyed and always shared together. I knew if she were alive, that she'd be all over the project with me, and just doing it helped me share with her and feel close with her in a way like nothing else did ...like in my heart we were sharing time together again...and I could almost feel her helping and guiding me in my efforts. Maybe if you spend some time doing something that was special to both of you, sharing it with him, it would help you. As Mitch Albom says, your relationship with them doesn't end, it just changes.

I agree about SAD...it is always a rough time of year for me emotionally and doing what I can to fight the SAD lifts my spirits for other things as well.

My Mom never shared her grief with me over losing her parents and my Dad and her son, and while I appreciate that she was trying not to burden me, I'm sorry she never did. I think it would've not only helped her but it would've helped me deal with the loss I felt when she passed, and was no longer there to support me. I think had we talked about it, we both could've learned and healed from it and I would've been better equipped to deal with losing her.

Sending you thoughts of strength, solace, comfort and wisdom as you deal with these tough, tough emotions.

satine, I am so sorry that you have been feeling down. Sounds like you are taking care of yourself and you are wise to reflect on your feelings. Have you thought about getting a physical?

Sending you many hugs!

My first husband has been gone for 40 years and something can turn on the tears in a heartbeat. This is the year for all of my family to go to their in-laws and yesterday was a "down day" for me too because I will spend the day alone! Holidays are terrible to spend alone for widowed people. Friends who are married just have no idea....

((((satine)))). Thank you for sharing with us. If yo think you need help, please seek it. You've experienced a loss that never goes away. We just learn to cope with the feelings and find some peace. We're always here for you anytime you need to vent.

Sending gentle hugs and hoping your feelings are soon soothed.

I am so sorry. Sending gentle, healing hugs your way.

If therapy has helped in the past, it would be a good idea to look into it again. I agree with Seniorgal, sometimes it takes a strong act of will to focus on the good times with a bittersweet smile. Also, to be happy that all is going so well with your girls. Don't think that there's something wrong with you because you have grieving moments after 17 years. I have a friend who's husband has been gone over 20 years and she said there are times when she's alone, that she just bursts out crying. She's very active and mostly always smiling. It just happens. Not having lost my spouse, I wouldn't know for sure, but I'm thinking it might be time to get rid of all those sympathy cards. Meanwhile, sending you some hugs.

I'm so sorry you are going through this and have been struggling for a while. Hugs.

My DH had sad and has some things that help. He makes sure to get quite a bit of sunlight, even winter sun helps him. He also takes 5-HTP which has been very helpful for him. He makes sure that he gets Omega 3 6 9 all the time. When he added those three to his diet his SAD lessened so much that he doesn't react so extremely. He did not feel motivated at all during winter he could not even really think. all he wanted to do was sleep and he would catch every flu and cold that came his way. He is so happy to have his life back now.

Sending you a cyberhug! I understand. My son has been gone for 12+ years, and occasionally I just burst into tears. I don't think you ever "get over" losing a loved one, and we all grieve in our own way. When I lost my first husband, I was young, and having an infant to care for consumed so much of my time and energy that I didn't have time to grieve. For me, the answer is keeping busy to minimize the time dwelling on the loss . I will remember you in my prayers, and I'm here for you anytime you want to "talk". And, you know where I live, and you are welcome to visit!

((hugs))

I just met my neighbor, she lost her husband a year ago. She had the crafts club over to her beautiful home on Wednesday....it's just an amazing HUGE house. Both her cats were on deaths door tho.....you did not hear me wrong...both of them. I real quick like went home & brought back a kitty gift bag. The one cat hasn't eaten in 8 days she said. Not her fault....but since the death of her husband......her elderly cats had been ....shall we say.....not been given much care. She put the Fortiflora I gave her on the cat food ...said the one ate a whole can of food....just woofed it down. I've been emailing her to check on the kitty cats, I don't want to wear out my welcome.

Handling the death of a spouse has got to be the worst thing to go through....I'm so sorry your having to do this.

((((satine))))

Grief ebbs and flows.

Sometimes the pain is soft and other times, it cuts through you freshly like a newly sharpened knife. There is no time limit for grieving the loss of a loved one.

Peace to you my friend.

If your heart feels broken just now, give in to it - go off by yourself, pray if you are so inclined, and weep and morn until your soul feels washed of grief no matter how long it takes. When that is finally over it will be a good time to talk with someone, but not before. It is a form of hell that one must work through to feel forever free of the agony. God be with you.

(((((((((((((Sandie)))))))))))))) I know the feeling, it just keeps poping up at odd times. I will keep you in my prayers.

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I know this time of year is hard. It makes me sad and miss my relatives that have passed too.

(((Satine)))

At the holidays, we always feel great sadness about the ones who are no longer with us. But it should be short, not for a month. You are wise to seek therapy for this when it starts interfering with your daily life.

My heart is aching for a family I know who lost their 16 years old daughter to suicide (hanging - just gruesome) two days before Thanksgiving only last year. This will be a very hard holiday for them. She was a lovely, lively, charming girl, but she had rapid-cycling bipolar disease and had first been diagnosed at age 13. The risk of suicide in such situations is very high.

I was reading an article in the NYTimes today that had a picture of handwritten recipe cards, and it made me think of my own mother who has been gone since 1993. And on Thanksgiving, I'll think about my father, as he was born on Thanksgiving Day in 1901. It doesn't fall on his birthday this year, but we always celebrated it on Thanksgiving.

And I will deeply miss my beloved late husband, gone now for over 13 years, who always did a superb job of carving the turkey. Of course, I miss him every single day. He was the love of my life.

Hugs to you and others that have lost a husband. Holidays are never quite the same again.

So sorry for your loss.

Best wishes to you. This is exactly why I do not keep sympathy cards and frankly, don't like to receive them.

Hope you find what you need.

You guys are the best. I am feeling better (as I knew I would) and all your good thoughts and understanding certainly helped. My thoughts are with all who are feeling down or missing a loved one. Life can be tough at times but maybe that makes us appreciate the good things we enjoy. Again thank you all so much.

Hugs to you satine. I am glad you are feeling better. I hope you can continue to find a peace during the holidays, and enjoy your family. Go to therapy or group meetings when you can and continue to visit here too. We care.

I am glad you are feeling better. I think that sometimes we need our private time to reflect and acknowledge/feel our grief as we remember a loved one. This may be true at holiday times especially. Then we rejoin the world and enjoy our loved ones and family traditions, but with feeling the presence of that special person.

I'm glad to read you're feeling better, Satine. I hope the feeling continues.

So glad you are feeling better. Hope those sad spells diminish. In the meantime when those blues strike, we are here for you. HUGS

Glad you're feeling less blue. Less sunlight always affects my mood. While coming off Daylight Savings Time gives me a brighter morning, lengthening shadows so early in the afternoon feel depressing.

How helpful to have some caring cyber friends at the tips of our fingers!