Unfortuntely Carrie,it is VERY normal for the dad to take the "leave me out of it stance". Although from what I read on a website from a pyschologist,it is the worst thing a bio-dad can do to the step mom and child. It says that,unless the father reinforces things,this will leave way for the "Evil stepmom syndrome" because the stepmom becomes the mean/upset/anxious/unhappy one. You are in a tough spot here,but I honestly think this daughter and these kids would act like this toward any woman their dad decided to marry after their mom died. The dad should tell them that their mom wouldnt have wanted them to be this way.And if he loves you,he NEEDS to stand up for you in some way. Do you make any head way by telling him if it doesnt stop you will leave him? What does he say when you threaten this? I guess the main thing you can hope for is the one daughter moves out.Do you and your husband have any extra money you could throw her way and tell her it's to help her get out there on her own? At 21 she's lucky if you all let her live there at all.That is certainly old enough to get out in the world and start creating her own life.Even if she doesnt get married yet or have kids.She should be hanging with other young women her age and doing things they do not trying to take your place. I dont really know what other advice to give you,because it is sooo important you and your husband be on the same page here.If he says nothing,he is letting his kids run you out of this marriage. There was a time when I had some issues with my step daughter hitting my daughter.My husband didnt want to say anything to his daughter about it either.But I stood my ground and told him that if he didnt,I was leaving and taking our daughter with me.So he finally did...cuz because he knew I was serious. I'am sorry you are finding it to be so hard.With 6 kids,I think you are a saint anyways! :) You certainly took on alot and it sounds like you are really trying.It's a shame your husband cant validate you to his kids. Welcome to the forum!

i have experienced the extreme of this, them trying to destroy us. At first it was just to break us up, when they were in their early teens, now there is just such distain, I feel they are trying to destroy us. Virtually destroy us. They cause all sorts of trouble and make all sorts of claims. My DH and I can't even be alone in a room with them without some bogus claim. He is still torn because he left them with his ex knowing she was unstable when he divorced her. Guilt. They call him and act as if nothing is wrong, and he is torn up again. They are poison and I am forced with making decisions based on their actions. Decisions I never thought I would make. I believed so wholeheartedly in 'unconditional love' but I guess I am not the person I thought I was. Not at all and I have to face that every day, I am ashamed that I don't love them. I am ashamed that I can't handle this anymore. I am not as strong as I believed I was. I tried so hard to love them, so hard for so long. I was so forgiving for so long, I didnt realize that my body was capable of forgivness for only so long. I didn't know that I had a 'forgivness limitation'. I never would have believed it but now I am forced to live with a whole bunch of realities that I cannot change. I cannot love them enough to affect them. I cannot force them to make peace with me. I dislike the person that they uncovered in me, the one with no more forgivness, the one who has exhausted the unconditional love I thought I had. Everyone can judge me and that is fine, but this is the raw reality of how I feel. Your personal judgement can't be any harsher than how I feel about myself and my choices, so have at it. I knew when I wrote this, how harsh this support board can be, I have been lerking for a while.

Hi Sunnygardenerme, Yes, I do have experience with this situation! Last summer my then 19 y/o SD stayed with my husband and me for her summer break. We allowed this, despite the fact that she rejected us the few years before (classic case of divorce poisoning by her mom)...anyway, we thought we could help her, teach her, etc, and that spending time away from her mother who lies, manipulates, etc. would be good for her. Well, I'm sure it would have been, except that she was a product of her environment...and so had no problem taking my things and then lying about taking them. It started when I couldn't find a sweater...and she heard me looking for it in the morning...and then it turned up in a ball in our office room at home. Well I knew I didn't do that, so I knew she had it and attempted to "return" it. Then a necklace went missing...it was a $20 necklace that was about principle, not value! My husband confronted her and she cried and was appalled that he would suspect his little angel of taking it....no way. He then talked to me and said "I saw the look in her eyes, she is not lying -- you must have misplaced it" (being the control freak I am, I rarely "misplace" things!! LOL!)...anyway, I then went in to talk to her. I though what can I do? she was living with me so I thought I would tell her that if she wants to borrow things, just ask me....etc. Well, thank God that my husband -- who thoroughly believed in her innocence, also had faith in me and that if I was still convinced, perhaps there was truth to it...so he went out to her car to look around and viola! So, he brought it to her room and said "Jess I found this in your car" and her response? "Oh THAT necklace!" She still tried to keep up the lie! We said "stop this....admit it and stop taking things." Well, it didn't stop, she took bras, toiletries, jewelery, shoes, tops, summer dresses, etc....we had talks about it, threatened to throw her out, and then as a final moment came, told her to get out -- she cried and cried, she was so very sorry -- said "please don't make me go back there" (to her mother's house), etc, etc. Well, since she had only a week or so left with us, we agreed to allow her to stay at our house -- but that she couldn't go out after work -- she needed to start to prepare to return to school, etc. Well, the night before she left our house for good (to go on vacation with her mother then back to school), I decided to look through her boxes to be sure she wasn't taking anything of mine. Well, guess what -- there were household items packed up (a stitched pillow that her grandmother made for us, a mug that was made out of her brother's artwork, some party things (hats, streamers) and a jewelery box thing that her deceased grandfather gave to me. So, concluded that she was a thief and a liar and unless she got serious therapy, she was not welcomed in our home alone. We don't make any bones about it -- she has "stolen" (she and her mother prefer to refer to it as her "borrowing" my things, even though she hid them in her car, under her bed and at her mother's house so that I didn't know she "borrowed" them). So, she did nothing about therapy, which we told her she must do back at school and so we are again estranged...... I fear my husband didn't fully understand the depth of my hurt and upset about this until I framed it for him "how would you feel if one of my nephews left from staying with us and you were missing things....?" He then realized how awful it must have felt....she isn't my blood and is going through my drawers and taking whatever she wanted (even my bras for God Sakes!!!) Oh, and I forgot, we had a 4th of July BBQ and my neice-in-law left sunglasses somewhere, and my SD decided she liked them and took them! That neice is the one person she truly cared about in my family (she had mother issues too and reached out to my SD). So, my SD decided to "return" them, but did it at a time when it was obvious that they showed up right after our brief visit to a place they were renting at the shore (so it couldn't have been that they just resurfaced). Ok, sorry to bore you with the details of my story, but the bottom line is that I know how you feel and your husband needs to respect that feeling of being violated. These are adult children who "visit" your home -- it is not their home anymore and they have no right to be there without you. I would put my foot down and insist on this....you have a right to be comfortable in your own home (besides, it used to make me CRAZY because I would be like "did she take it -- did I misplace it and forget where I put it??" etc. etc. It is a horrible feeling..... Good luck.....my husband's faith in my and my veracity helped me to show him what I needed. If your husband trusts in you and truly cares about you, he will listen to you and do what you need to feel safe and comfortable in your own home.

**Update** Everything came to a head last night. Long story short they asked me if they could borrow some money for gas & diapers, I handed some over but told their dad about it (We have agreed to share everything when it comes to them & money). Turns out the sons mother gave him money just a couple of days ago and bought them a bulk box of diapers. FI wasn't too happy and call his son accusing him of using the money to buy dope. Son & wife then come to me cussing me out and then proceeded to my 10 yr olds bedroom to tell him how much of a whore his mother is and to stay away from their kids. I told her that she wasn't going to talk to my child like that and then that led to a whole new situation. I ended up telling my son to lock his room & stay in there while I did the same. I called dad to let him know that this wasn't happening anymore and either they leave tomorrow or I will. He called and told them to get out. An hour later they left, but that was after beating on the walls, cursing at my son and I through the doors and anything else they could think of to make as much noise as possible. I feel like crap for all of this but I do have to admit that after they left it felt peaceful. I don't know what to expect going forward but I know that I will stick to my guns on this one. A line was crossed when an adult threatens my child.