I have loved being a grandma, but now they live several states away. When they were babies, we lived 75 minutes away and helped out with baby sitting. DD is a wonderful mother, and her boys are far easier than she and her brothers ever were. She is far more patient than I was, and I guess it shows. We are what we are, and the important thing is that the grands and their parents never get a clue to your ambivalence.

You aren't the only one. I, though, would like to have grandkids. Don't know if that's ever going to happen. My daughter doesn't want kids and my son isn't dating anyone. Daughter is 22 and just broke up with her boyfriend, who wanted to get married and have kids. My son is 26 and in the Air Force, in tech school and is going to be a long time before he gets to his first duty station, so don't see him dating for a long time.

I used to feel that way. I only have one child. I was very young when I had her and was only in my early 40’s when she married. All I wanted was a chance to finally live a bit, so the idea of being a grandmother didn’t appeal to me at all. Now, they’re both in their early 40’s and have chosen not to have children which in some ways makes me a little sad. I would never say that to them of course because I feel very strongly that they have to decide what’s right for themselves without any outside opinions, but secretly inside, now that’ I’m older, I do feel like something is missing.

"Maybe it’s because I was a single mother for a while and at the time had no parents to rely on. "

I think you maybe are still resentful of the situation you had to deal with.

It isn't about you, it isn't about the parents of your grandchildren, it's strictly about the little ones. Having a relationship with grandparents can be a special part of childhood. If some come along, give them a chance to have that relationship. Not doing so would be selfish if you otherwise could manage some time for them.

We had our kids in our thirties and our kids have and will do the same, those that do. We have grandkids now. We have no obligation to be available for them (they don't live nearby) but we enjoy the time we spend together and we make an effort to do so regularly. We take them (at times that are convenient for us) to give them the experience. We have fun too. And no, I don't particularly like little kids.

I understand why you feel as you do. You have raised your kids with little help and have worked so hard with the dog business. You deserve a rest. The thought of being involved in caring for a grandchild does not make you happy.

I think you are over-thinking this a bit, pre-worrying, so to speak. A baby could be years in the future for them. For now, just be happy that your dear son has someone important in his life, look forward to a wedding and all the excitement and happiness that comes with it.

I'm glad you shared because it helps sometimes to write our fears, and I think you got some thoughtful replies.

Annette, I am sure many feel as you do. Socks hit the nail on the head. Try not to over-think this. When the time comes, you'll do instinctively what is right for you.

(Sigh.....) I have two daughters. The oldest is 31 and has been living with her BF for over 6 years. Both are not interested in marriage or children, yet from conversations, I gather they are both devoted for the long haul.

Youngest is 28 and has a BF, but I can't see her getting married any time soon. We just went to a party for one of her high school friends. They have two children! DD2 and I talked on the way to the train station and she thought that adoption might be a route for her. At least she is thinking about it.

That said, it would never occur to me to even mention or encourage kids. As stated above, it is their choice.

Yes Lukki, I agree. I sometimes feel like I am standing still while the rest of the world is passing me by. (No ticket for the grandma train.)

For now, I have a grand Chihuahua.

I know dog people very well. Very few have children, and even fewer have grandchildren. The dogs are their lives.

But it sounds as if you're fed up with the 24/7 care of dogs as well as children. If that is what you want to do, it is your choice to do so. It may, however, impact your relationship with your children so take that into account.

I adored being a mother and my grandchildren are my greatest joy since I have been a widow for the past 13 years. My oldest grandson will be going to college in a week and it just breaks my heart. I'm SO happy for him and so very proud of his accomplishments, but oh my, I will miss that boy.

But children and grandchildren are not for everyone. Do what is right for you.

It depends. I wouldn’t mind being a grandma, but I would not want to be the daily childcare while both parents work full time. The normal babysitting from time to time and taking them places would work for me. My oldest daughter is 25, same boyfriend for 6 years, living together for almost 4. At a time she didn’t want kids, has softened some in that regard. At the moment their cat is enough though. The younger one is still in College and more interested in her studies for now.

Everyone is different. I'd love to be a grandma, but it's unlikely to happen. We only have the one DD and although she's in her 30s and married (and her DH loves kids and I suspect would like to be a Dad) she's really not into babies and has expressed no desire for children. I would never urge her to have children (as my own mother did me) as that would only get her back up (as it did mine). So I just accept it and fuss over other people's children :-)

My children are my pride and joy and my life. They are young yet, but I know if I have grandchildren, they won't be my life. Yes they will enrich my life, give a different perspective and I will want a relationship with them. At the same time, there are dreams and goals I have put on hold to raise my children that I may wish to pursue. If being available means babysitting while parents work, I won't be available for that. That doesn't mean I won't be a loving grandma. I just feel I will want freedom to do what is important to me.

I'm curious if the grandparents here would feel the same towards adopted grandchildren vs. biological? We are giving our family more thought after a scary miscarriage and part of me worries how my family would accept adopted grandchildren compared to their biological grandchildren. I don't have any reason to think they would love them any less but I'm curious to hear how others feel.

Chi, I have 3 stepchildren from my husband's first marriage. I can honestly say, though they aren't mine, I love them all dearly as if they were. I don't think it makes a difference. It may have something to do with a bond that ties.

Chi, there would be absolutely no difference. At the point my older one said she doesn’t want children, she said maybe she would adopt one eventually. Same rules as to not wanting to be the full time daycare though. Race, special needs and whatever do not matter, either.

I never even wanted to have children. I can never once remember ever thinking about wanting a child...so, I certainly don't want grandchildren. I'm at that age that my peers have grandchildren. So many of them are now having to take care of their grown children and those kids' kids. It's crazy! My brother is taking care of his second wife's whole entire family....a bunch of total losers!

chi, I think the honest answer is that for some it may matter. It's an individual by individual thing.

Start slowly in thinking about it - not even all step-children/step parent situations work out well. Nor are all accepted by other members of the family. Some people have mentioned they are not even in continuing contact with offspring (their step children) of former spouses. So those were presumably kids these people had some exposure to as children or young adults. No glue.

I think people who adopt kids are usually wonderful and sharing individuals to give kids without another viable parenting option a good start in life, to be raised with love as a member of a supportive family. But it's not for everyone and not always accepted by other family members.

“Maybe it’s because I was a single mother for a while and at the time had no parents to rely on. (Both of my parents were deceased by the time I had kids) My first mother in law was not hands on. She made it clear that she was not babysitting and never did. I got it and had no issues with that“

Ann, this is very similar to my situation as well. My father passed when my daughter was 4 months old, my mother still had my younger siblings to raise so having her as a support system was off the table. Even though she never really took a huge interest in my daughter, by the time my two younger siblings had kids, she was at a point in her life where being a grandmother was enjoyable for her, even so, she still made sure she had her own needs fullfilled first and refused to be the built in babysitter.

I suspect that these feelings you have presently are just a part of what a lot of women tend to experience. Raising a family takes a lot of work and sacrafice, especially when it’s done alone. I know in my case, by the time my daughter was on her own, I was pretty spent. So even if your feelings never change, that’s ok, there’s nothing wrong with it. Cherish your family and life just as it is with no regrets.

I had a baby fairly late in life....age 34...compared to most of my peers who had babies in their early to mid twenties. Before she was born, I had never baby sat or changed a diaper or even held a baby more than a split second. I adored her and devoted my life to her at that time...did the extended breast feeding, participated in all of her activities at school, etc. She is almost 38 and she and her husband have chosen not to have children. I support her decision 100%. I have been told by some of my friends, they feel badly that I will never have grandchildren. Hey...save your sympathy....I don't care. I have plenty to do that keeps me busy and I never give it a thought. I like children....and sometimes have children come here to see the animals and that is fine...as long as they are well behaved. I admit...I have no patience for unruly kids. Most of them are well behaved.

I was the only one at home when I was growing up. Sibs were already grown. I was childless for the first 15 years of my marriage. I am used to being alone because my husband works long hours, usually 7 days a week. I have never had a particularly close family....and the concept is kind of foreign to me. So, I am fine the way I am. If by chance, my daughter and her husband decided to have or adopt a baby....I support that. I think I would be a good grandmother. I do a lot of fun things that children enjoy, and I would enjoy sharing them with a grandchild...but if that day never comes, I am okay with that too.

You are not the only one. I would have been childless by choice, but DH desperately wanted children. After we had been married 10 years, we got pregnant (it was an accident but DH was ecstatic), and later had one more. Did I want them? Nope. Do I love them? Of course. If I had it to do over again, would I have kids? Nope.

Each of our kids now has a child - our grandkids. One we have never babysat, because of distance, and the other we will babysit if DH is available to do most of the care.

I just don’t care for kids. Does that make me wrong? No, just different. I had a tough childhood and babysat a lot. My mother didn’t like kids either, but she had 6, all of whom I helped raise.

I did not handle the news of the first grandchild well at all. Very young, won't go into details. Turned out to be Kali, as most of you know we have her now, she is 10. Chi, both of my children were adopted, you would have thought they were golden the way my family welcomed them!

Growing up I had no grandparents.

Well, I had one set but they were uninterested, uninvolved grandparents. They were too busy living their own lives and constantly traveling to ever really be involved in my life beyond Christmas Eve when we would get together and exchange gifts. I really resented that in the last few years of their lives, I was expected to visit and care for them when they never bothered to care for or get to know me.

My mom's parents died before I was born and she was raised by her older sister. She always treated her "real" grandchildren as more important, always going to their activities; traveling to see them, including overseas, but barely saw me and we lived in the same town. I haven't seen her in over a decade now.

I resented this immensely. I always wished I had grandparents that actually gave a carp about me.

It is the one of the reasons my husband and I decided to settle here, near both sets of parents, instead of moving.

We wanted our kids to have grandparents that were around and involved.

Thankfully, that has happened.

My parents and his mom will occasionally watch the kids for us but I've been a SAHM since they were born so there has never been a need for a regular babysitter.

I told my mom before we had kids that I wouldn't wish that on her anyways. I wanted her to get to be the fun grandma and not another defacto parent. Ironically, she is now the caregiver/babysitter of my brothers kids. Not mine though.

I hope to be an involved grandparent if/when I become one. I would never be one that is a default babysitter though. I don't expect it of our parents now and I certainly won't be offering if/when the time comes either.

That is all a LONG ways off though as my oldest hasn't hit puberty yet and my youngest is entering kindergarten this year.

No kids here, so no grandchildren. I prefer adult company to that of children. Never had the maternal instinct. At least I didn't have kids because that's what women were supposed to do. My mother must have been mortified because she fostered newborns for years.

I love being a grandma but .... I have to draw the line at being (as Texas-Gem stated) a defacto parent. My daughter's marriage recently imploded and she's back in our home with 3 young boys and frankly I am exhausted! She's been a SAHM for 10 years with no help at all in rearing the kids from her husband. We are trying to support her return to the workplace by minding the kids. The ten year old is a breeze, but the four year old with Asperger's Syndrome and the eighteen month toddler just wear us out. I wish that we could afford daycare!

PKPonder, both the TEA Early Learning Programs including PPCD which are excellent, and the Texas Workforce Commission provide subsidized care. Also look into Head Start programs.

I would love to be a grandma, but don't see it happening soon. DD is 29 and living with a guy who doesn't like nor want kids. DS is 27 and broke up with girlfriend of 5 years recently and is serial dating now. His latest is a French girl who just broke up with her girlfriend. "It's the 21st century, Mom" he told me. Sigh. But I don't find fault with what anyone's life choices are. I understand your position completely.

Chi, I once was talking with a lady who mentioned that her husband's family had relatives in a country town a few hours' drive away. I said, "Oh, I went to school with a Margaret [lady's family name] from that town, was she any relation?" The woman said, "Well, yes, but she wasn't a REAL [family name], she was adopted you know."

As an adoptee myself I was pretty offended and said as much. In any case, she wasn't a REAL [family name] herself as she had only married into the family.

My family always treated my (also adopted) brother and me as complete family members - at least, to our faces as it's occurred to me that we don't seem to have been remembered in my paternal grandfather's will, no keepsakes or anything. But by then, my parents had divorced and even though it was my Dad whose alcoholism and abuse of us kids precipitated the divorce, perhaps his father was making his comment as it were.

So I guess if it's an issue for you, you would do best to canvas the people who matter in your life and ask them how they would receive an adopted child into the family. I would hope they'd say it wouldn't make any difference whether it was a natural or an adopted child, but if they said it would, then you'd need to take that on board and be aware of their attitude should you decide to go ahead and adopt (though not make it change your mind :-) ).

I wish you all the best in your quest for a family!

Pk, felt funny "liking" your comment. My like was meant as support.

Sleeper, yes it's a whole "nuther" world out there.

Side Story: DH never wanted to get married and was not interested in kids. That changed when he met me. I did say that I wanted to be married by 30 (that gave us both 3 years to see where this was heading) and I wanted the option of one child. It was Dh's idea to have the second. One day he turned to me and said, "Well, we're in it this deep, might as well have another."

Growing up, I never babysat as a way to earn money. I do know a few people that were turned off to kids because they had too much babysitting responsibilities. They felt "been there, done that" and had no interest in having kids of their own. Perfectly understandable.

ETA: Colleenz, I can't imagine family members saying they would not welcome an adopted child, especially knowing that this might be the only route for this couple to start a family.

But, I guess there are people out there like this.

Op here. Well this has been an enlightening and heartening discussion for me, I hope others as well.

First let me say aghhhh, that my headline says “could” care less instead of “couldn’t”. I realized it but kept getting timed out when I tried to update! And then I did it again somewhere in the post.

To be brutally honest with myself, I’ve always considered myself something like a cat when it comes to parenting. When they leave the nest I feel like my job is done. My kids call me now with questions about day to day stuff and my response is to say that unless and until they have tried to figure out the answer or solution and can prove it, don’t ask me to be the their 411 so to speak. I told both of them recently that by the time I was their age my mom had been gone for a year and I had to sink or swim. If they can explain how they tried to resolve and were unable then I’m happy to jump in. After one or two of these they figured it out. Maybe that’s harsh but they have the brains and the tools so I’d like them to use them.

After reading through everyone’s posts I realized that maybe part of my mindset is due to my own childhood. My parents were immigrants and we had no other family on American soil. We visited my Dad’s family once when I was maybe 4, his dad has passed away when he was a teenager so it was just his mother and sisters. I went and visited them on my own when I was 21 or 22 and got the feeling from my aunts that I wasn’t particularly welcome. I had that reconfirmed years later when I went back with my son for a team trip. My dad’s cousin tracked me down and told me my dad had been the star of their small town and his sisters resented him and therefore his kids. Go figure.

My mom’s family was even farther away but we did visit there much more regularly. Although my grandfather was an unpleasant, crotchety old man( my brother and my 2 cousins that are his only other grandchildren always follow up any mention of him with the phrase ”the old b***ard” LoL). He had no use for girls and made it clear. So I made sure to stay one night at their house and then begged to stay with my cousins at the sheep station. So much more fun! Years later my cousins told me it broke my grandmother’s heart that I didn’t want to stay with them but that she understood it was a dreadful place to be if you were a little girl. Plus my lack of exposure to elderly people made me generally uncomfortable around them.

I’m no worse for the wear for my experience, you can’t miss what you never had imho. But, I’m hoping when the time comes I do a total flip flop and become the doting grandmother I never had. After reading everyone’s insightful posts though, I realize that it’s ok however it works out.

Yes it will. You are a caring person and that is always a good start.

I'm now a great grandmother and never been happier. I'm the type who adores any kids and loves being with them. We watch our two year old Dylan two days a week and love it. That being said, there is nothing at all wrong with stating that you'd rather not have grands, everyone is different.

I don't see anything negative in the way you feel.

I don't have any maternal bones in my body. I don't like kids, period. I also made the decision to have my tubes tied at 22 yrs of age. I was married at the time, and every doctor I spoke to suggested that my husband get a vasectomy. I had to drill it thru their heads that it's me that doesn't want kids, ever. So I wanted to do something about it. I finally found a doctor who would do it, and hubby had to sign a paper.

Best thing I ever did. Baby pics, toddlers playing and yelling, blech.

But show me a pic of a baby animal, or if I see a dog out walking, I'm all over it.

I too, chose to have no children. That said, I raised a stepson from age 8 to age 16. I love him and in no way ever cared that he wasn't "really mine". He was mine in every way that matters. I was there for his triumphs and tragedies, his illnesses and discipline, his fun times and play times. It was only when his biological mother was able to offer him a different school district (he had made some poor choices in ours, which had unfortunately made school very difficult socially), that he made the choice to move for his last year of high school. I'll never regret not having children, and have 1 "almost" grandchild. He has chosen to help raise the child of his girlfriend and her prior significant other. I was very proud when he came to me to discuss this prior to making the commitment. He told me as far as he is concerned, I'll always be his "real" mother. :)

Chi, my experience was that my family treated their step grandchild exactly the way they treated their grandchildren.

Chi - I was adopted by a childless couple, so I think (?) I grew up in a similar situation you are contemplating.

Times have changed a lot and hopefully most people are a bit more sophisticated about these things now.

I can tell you growing up a few decades ago, MOST people were fabulous about adoption and MOST people/family members treated me no differently than any of the other kids.

However, it seems there is always at least one who will botch it up somehow.

Some people seem fascinated (or whatever) by the "adopted" part, and so they bring it up in inappropriate ways. For instance, for one of my family members - all the other kids were just "the grandchildren", but I was the "adopted grandchild."

A few years ago I worked with a guy who had 2 boys and then they decided to adopt an infant from China. He always referred to them as "my 2 boys and my adopted daughter." It drove me crazy. He was a clueless buffoon. I tried to explain how calling her out like that may make her feel as she grew up. It went over his head.

Oh, that's sad about your co-worker, Patrice. That can do real damage to children who have already been traumatized by the adoption process. I hope he learns before it's too late.

We are leaning more towards fostering now, and I have hopes of adopting eventually but DH isn't quite there yet, so we will need to see. I think this will be a good way to feel it out because most are temporary placements with reunification with birth parents as the goal.

Thanks for everyone's stories. It's nice to see that most people can love equally.

My sons are 31 and 29 both with longterm partners. Whether or not they decide to have children is up to them. If the choose to do so then I will become a grandmother, if they choose not to do so then I will not become a grandmother. I will not lose out either way. It;s their life and their decision to be made as couples.

I have an acquaintance who will probably not become a grandmother and she is so upset about it that she has become depressed. I have another girlfriend who is a grandmother and has put her entire life on hold for her daughters and grandchildren. Her husband resents it.

Like others who have posted here, I am childfree by choice. Never have had the interest (despite being raised by loving parents and having a great childhood with siblings who are now my dear friends). Fortunately I married DH who was raised similar to me but has the same opinion of being a parent. Our parents also had plenty of other GKs by the time we got married so we did not feel pressure. We both have great respect for those who do it. Toughest job in the world.

My opinion may hurt the feelings of some, but I am going to state it as plainly as I can. I was thinking about posting this prior to bifenton's post above but her post is a bit illustrative of my point.

I certainly understand women wanting grandkids, esp when they know that is a goal of their child that would make them (the parents-to-be) happy. However, the first thought I have when I hear a woman voice her desire for grandkids is to feel a little sad that her happiness (and identity) is so dependent on someone else's choices. That is my honest, consistent reaction. I feel like they need to live their own life.

I wish our DS -- whom we adopted as an infant -- had married earlier and had children earlier. I was 30 when we were lucky enough to become Adoptive Parents.

An adoptive family is not the same because of how it comes into being; no need to feel slighted about that, patriceny. There is an obvious difference, whether an adoptee is a 'matching infant placement' or a 'non-matching Chinese DD'. There is joy and there is loss. It has nothing to do with love or attachment, but the difference is real, as 'the world' knows.

DH and I were physically able to play with and enjoy our DGS when he was a baby, toddler, into grammar school. By the time his sister came along six years later...*I* was less physically able, and we didn't do as much hands-on care at our home or theirs. He is also a calm-natured fellow, while she exhibits some of our DS's hyperactivity. She was the non-napper and is still 'a live wire'. We all do better together as she has grown older. (She and I had a math problem-related talk when she turned seven. She was interested that due to each of us being born in the spring, I would always be seventy years older than she is; she could just add seven more lines of tens to hers to prove it.)

Our lives are enriched by Family. It makes us grow and stretch, however -- and whenever -- it's formed.

We have known some childless couples (and singles) over the years. They were content as adults, but their lives appear rather emotionally limited to us, now they are Seniors. They sometimes say that it's a 'down side' they had not considered.

I chose to not have children and therefore no grandchildren. My mother on the other hand had 6 kids. 5 boys and myself. All of my brothers have been fruitful and they multiplied. Mom has 16 grandchildren and 10 great grandchildren and I can honestly say, she doesn't really enjoy all of those kids. I feel bad that she doesn't have a relationship with them, so many of them are really great kids/young adults. They have missed out on a relationship with her but fortunately their maternal grandparents have always been a big part of their lives. Mom loves us kids but she has never been able to let us go, therefore she couldn't let the grandkids/great grand kids in. That was and is her choice. Her parents weren't really grandparent material either. Our dad died when we were all under the age of 18 and mom didn't get much support from them. Our dad's parents died very early, I don't even remember them. Grandparenting isn't for everyone.

Annette, I think your last statement, that it is ok, however it works out, says all it needs to say about your feelings. They are indeed, your feelings, and you should just enjoy the life you have now. If something changes in the future, re-evaluate your feelings and the situation then. Not everyone can or should be a full-time grandmother. Or even part-time. Just stay as connected as you can if you become one.

I think another reason I don't mind not being a grandmother is because I spent so many years taking care of other people. I am just glad to have some time to spend doing the things I enjoy. I took care of my mother from 1968, when my dad died, until she died in 1994. I took care of an elderly friend from 2002 to 2010, when he died. And, of course my daughter until 1999, when she went away to college. I guess I have become self indulgent. I have gone back to raising waterlilies, which I started doing over 50 years ago, and I have my rescue horses and donkeys, and an odd assortment of cats and dogs. I don't feel like I am missing out on anything, because these are the things I like to do.

I always knew I wanted to have children. I'm an only child and I used to beg my parents for a brother or sister. My father was one of 10 and my mother one of 6, so perhaps that's why they only had 1! I also knew I would never have just one child.

I would have been very disappointed if I had not had grandchildren. It's a lovely thing to see ones own children being wonderful parents. I adore my grandchildren but I told DD that while we would enjoy babysitting from time to time, I did not want a regularly scheduled time - far too confining. But a call to see if we'd be willing to take them? Absolutely! I think I'm getting the younger next week while they take the elder to college!

One of my grandchildren is adopted and I love him just as much as the others. My late husband had an adopted younger sister and so it seemed very natural to us both. He's a very dear boy.

Having said I didn't want a regular time, I did agree to help DD when her eldest started 1st grade (he did Kindergarten at his nursery school). She asked me if I would come over the first two weeks of school, when school got out and just be sure DGS got organized and did his homework. By this time, her husband was a SAHF but he is so severely ADHD that he would not be good at doing this. I was glad to help her out and did so. After two weeks, she said that DGS liked me being there and would I be willing to continue? My husband had died the year before and I was pretty much at loose ends, so I said yes. I did this Mon-Thurs until 2nd son finished 5th grade. We all enjoyed the time together. DD and I have very similar parenting styles, and similar philosophies about homework being the responsibility of the student, not the parent. I was just there if they had a question, to sign that I'd seen their homework/graded work etc. I taught them to look things up, first on my iPhone and later on my iPad. I often took a book to read. If they had trouble, I helped them figure it out. If they wanted to be quizzed, I quizzed them.

I don't know if I would have done this if DH had still been alive. Actually, I know it would have been DH who would have done this - he was a teacher and would have loved it. But I very much enjoyed the bond that we got from this. I was not tied down in any way - if I were sick, the weather was horrid, or was going to be out-of-town, I was under no obligation.

I also rent a house for 4 weeks each summer and DD's boys are always there the entire 4 weeks. When they were young, there was a babysitter along as well - I was not missing my beach time to stay home with napping children! Parents were there, too, for varying times. It's been very special for me and when I come back home, I go into "boy-withdrawal"! I'm quite comfortable being alone, but I sure enjoy their company and all their friends in and out all the time. I love that I can do this for them.

I have a couple of friends whose children will never have children. They are greatly disappointed as they had looked forward to doing various thing with grands. They certainly respect their children's decisions, but are sorry that this is what they want.

Interesting thread. For me, I'm glad it's not my choice. I have one child, a daughter, and she's always been good with kids. She'd make a great mother, or great elementary school teacher. She hasn't found the right life partner yet. These days, there are options for a single woman, including adoption. If she ever does make me a grandmother, I know DH & I will be thrilled. But if she doesn't, that's okay too. I want her life to be happy and filled with love, and there are multiple paths to that end.

Anglo, so true They are greatly disappointed as they had looked forward to doing various thing with grands.

I only had one child who was placed for adoption when he was born. I was unmarried at the time but married a few years later (not to my child's father). The trauma of losing my child to adoption made me (and a great number of other birth/first mothers) wary of ever having another child. (Many, many birth/first mothers only have that single child they placed for adoption). I became very, very anxious at the thought of committing to a pregnancy and child because of my experiences. So, my husband and I never had children, and so I never gave having grandchildren a thought.

But then my child searched for me when he was in his early 20's and we've had a close, loving relationship since then. He became a father and I became a grandmother. My grandson is the light of my life. And I had a very happy full life before him, but nothing that can compare with what I have now. I've never loved or felt loved so fully as with my grandson. It's amazing and I'm so grateful to get to experience it and him.

I have three granddaughters. I have told each of them to not let anyone guilt them into getting pregnant. Each of them has said they don't want children. I firmly believe if one doesn't want a child, they should not be made to feel there is something wrong with them if they don't bear one. It is a personal choice and should be honored.

What a lovely story, Oly.

Oly, it is a lovely story, and I am so glad it turned out the way it did. It is very true, that there is no love like that of a small child. Even though I didn't plan on having any children, I am glad that I did have my daughter.

Oly, I'm sorry you never knew your baby, toddler, little boy, but happy you can know your son as an adult -- and can know your grandson from the start. Lucky 'boys' to have an extra helping of love.

Has your mother accepted that she is grandmother and great-grandmother to your DS and DGS? I've seen both stonewalling and acceptance from mothers of birthmothers who are reunited with their children. The presence of the obvious *grandchild* is a revelation to a mother who had distanced herself from 'an unplanned pregnancy' that needed to be 'solved' by adoption. I've seen a lot of tears -- unresolved by denial; resolved by acceptance.

Chisue, my mother was thrilled to meet my son, but she very ill when my son found me, so they met but didn't really get to have much of a relationship. She did tell me she was so glad I had him in my life because she worried I would be "alone" (even though I was married and have a nice circle of close friends). She died shortly after, so never knew my grandson. My husband died very shortly after she did, at age 47, so he met my son, but not my grandson. My grandson has had 3 grandmas, maternal, adoptive and me (one has since died), but no grandpas. My husband would have been a terrific grandpa to him, so that makes me a little sad. But I've got a lot of grandma love to fill some of that void. Reunion is complicated, as you know.

Thanks for your answer, Olychick. Yes, just about everything about adoption is "complicated". Heck, LIFE is complicated! (I am sorry for your losses -- happy for your gains.)