The way I deal with individuals like that is to completely ignore them, don't make eye contact, don't acknowledge, don't say anything, act like they don't exist.

By responding in any way, it's positive reinforcement.

jmho

Moonie, I wouldn't have someone that mean stay in my home. I just don't think I could do it.

Moonie, Whenever anyone criticizes food in my house, it is immediately snatched out of their hand or removed from their plate (by me!) with a heartfelt "I'm so sorry, you don't have to finish that!" It's funny how many people that will shut up!

Other than that, I simply would not respond to an insulting (p/a or otherwise) remark. You don't hear him unless he speaks politely.

Good Luck!

Well, if he's related to your husband, then HE should be the one to interrupt/intervene or defend you. I can't imagine letting my spouse be abused, even verbally, by anyone in our home.

I have a tendency to laugh loudly if someone insults me this way. It just bursts out before I can stop it. I am laughing at them that they think it is OK to say this. They usually look shocked. They are the joke.....not me.

Skeletor.

It's got to be frustrating, not being able to get under his skin, the way he does to you. If you come back with something relating to his looks, then he just may try to out-do you, and come up with something more, to get your goat. I would say --"your rudeness is not appreciated", and walk away. Never acknowledging any thing he calls you again.

Zsa Zsa Gabor once said that her doctor told her she had to choose between her a$$ or her face when she started putting on weight. She chose her face. You might want to share this with prune face and tell him he might want to give it some thought. Give a little laugh after you say it. And no, I wouldn't say anything but it's fun to vent.

Passive Aggressives thrive on comebacks. The can escalate this for a very long time. You can't play their game.

When he comes in and says "Hey, Chubbs" I want my own comeback.

Here’s a good one: “Leave.”

It's a bit convoluted and I may have missed something, but have you ever been very direct with him about you resenting his belittling behavior? Not smiling, not joking? Have you told your husband that you will not put up with it anymore? That it hurts your feelings and makes you feel belittled?

If not, then that needs to come first. In my opinion, you should lay it out on the line for him, and do it in front of your husband. It's possible to be nice when having a chat like this, and you should be. But tell him that his behavior and words are disrespectful to you and you do not like it. Tell him that it hurts your feelings and that you dread his visits.

Tell him that you love him but that you expect better from him and that you certainly deserve better. Don't let your husband take care of it for you, that rarely works out. But I'd forewarn him that you are going to speak nicely but firmly to his brother.

"BIL, sit down.....there's something I've been needing to talk to you about for a very long time......."

Childish name calling? I don't see how that could possibly do any good.

I have a simple solution for him should he complain about your cooking, too. ;-)

Here ya go, microwave is on the counter. Enjoy!

I would ask him why he wants to hurt your feelings. Pin it on him immediately. He'll say you are overreacting. You'll say this isn't about him, it's about you, and YOU are HURT. Keep saying it. Demand an apology. Demand he stop making hurtful comments. Make him say it -- say he's sorry and he won't be exhibiting that behavior towards his SIL ever again -- because you WILL call him on it.

Don't stoop to his level and resort to childish name-calling. Walk over to him, look him directly in the eyes, and assertively tell him to stop calling you chubbs. Tell him the name calling has to stop. Tell him you don't appreciate it and don't like it. I wouldn't bother demanding an apology. People can be made to say whatever they're told, but it's most likely meaningless. Demanding that he says he's sorry - he's not sorry so making him say it is meaningless. Just tell him you don't like when he does it, and to just stop.

Your husband needs to get involved. Your husband should be telling this guy to stop. Why isn't he doing or saying anything? Why are you left to deal with how it makes you feel?

If you read all of Moonie's posts and the provide link you will see she is not hurt over the bother-in-law. What she needs to do is let her husband in on what has been going on. It's not up to her to take that abuse without his knowledge in the hopes brothers can form a bond.

I agree with Chisue and all others who opine that it would be best to ask him why he likes to insult you, etc. I support that 100%.

However (and now I'm going to be bad...). Tell him he looks like he's been ridden hard and put away wet.

Suzie...OMG. HAHAHA

All kidding aside, I would tell my husband how I felt and why. Not in an angry way. More of a heart-to-heart talk. I would also state that I would only see this guest in small doses. I would let them visit and make myself scarce. I would quietly hold my ground.

I was wondering about your husband....he just allows it? I have a bil just like yours. My answer to the issue was to stay away from him as much as humanly possible. It's worked for years now. Lucky for me, my dh can't stand the guy either. Tell your hubby if he wants to spend time with his brother, do it else where!

The skeleton talks? Zombie?

Or

What, he's here? I thought he was dead. when somebody asks why you're not talking to him.

I really don't do any of that kind of thing personally but I understand that some people just don't know how to shut up.

I do use the Marisa Peer method of saying;

Thank you for sharing.

And escalating it to saying to the bad guy;

That won't work for me so I'm not letting it in. ... if someone continues to be insulting.

I wonder what he would think if you recorded him for YouTube and he ended up online being insulting. Especially with the me-too movement you might get a lot of support. :-). You could turn his insults into some kind of a rap song or something like that. Turn it into fun :-). I do like bless your heart as suggested above.

Tell him to stop calling you names. Period. If he doesn't, tell him to leave.

Why in the world should her HUSBAND take care of this? SHE is the one dealing with this cretin. She needs to fight her own battles.

I still like rumplestiltskin....

Wizened

I agree Imstillchole.

Moonie, this post made my blood boil Moonie . First, I would talk to DH. "You know, after all of these years, I have reached my boiling point with BIL. Next visit if he calls me Chubs, I am going to tell him this will be his last visit to our home as I find this nickname insulting and disrespectful."

What kind of a person thinks this is okay? No one I want to be around. I would not ever stop DH from a relationship or seeing his brother, it would just not be with me included.

Sorry to be so long checking back in but i was busy entertaining our WELL-BEHAVED houseguest. He would pick today when I was prepared!

Actually, DH did get home before he arrived so no nastiness tonight. A couple of more days so we'll see how it goes.

Find a good book.

"Honey, hide the Precious--Gollum's here."

Moonie, maybe he is getting tired of being mean all the time! Lol

No advice on what to say or do, but I will tell you this. I have known people like this in the past.....and nothing you will do will change them.

Lol mama goose!!!!

Yo, skin flint. I bet that if you stood up straight and stretched out those wrinkles, you'd be twice as tall. 'Course, I don't know what might be hiding in those folds.

I would take the opposite position. When he greets you, say 'Hey, BIL! Oh, my goodness! Are you okay? Have you lost weight? Are you eating enough? Here, sit down and let me get you some water. You look exhausted, poor dear! Perhaps a glass of sherry? Did something happen on the way?' Then, when your husband is present, make low comments to him while casting worried glances at BIL. I guess I just have a mean streak! Kill 'em with kindness.

Okay, so I am picking up on something. BIL insults you in DH's absence? But, since you came in second, the "Chubs" was off the table?

I related this to my DH. His take was to stop this man at the first insult, saying another one would result in your showing him the door.

I didn't realize that your BIL only insults you behind your DH's back. In that case, you need to tell your DH that you're not taking these insults anymore and how you plan to handle it. Maybe your DH will handle it. (Don't let him try to say these are not insults or just the man's way of 'joking'. They are rude, crude, and intended to hurt you.)

Look him straight in the eyes and say "did you enjoy saying that because I don't enjoy hearing it" and walk away. Don't communicate with him until he owns his nastiness. Let him feel the pain.

Well, this morning i told DH and BIL that i needed to talk to them tonight. A few minutes later DH pushed me to tell him what was going on. He got mad at ME for not having told him! Anyway, he said he would handle it. They were suppose to play golf today but it's been storming. Most of the day they were out in the shop and since they've been in, its been pretty quiet. Polite small talk. Im assuming all will be ok between them. I've felt blah all day. Partly weather, partly the situation.

ETA: Forgot to mention the itchy rash I broke out in last night on my arms. Might be nerves, might be from new meds I'm on. It's still there but less itchy.

Awww Moonie I'm sorry about your rash. See if I lived close by I'd stop in and make you laugh.

My response would go something like this:,

Perhaps I could lose a pound of two, but you, my friend, are a human waste product. And then I'd smile and not utter another word to him.

I think the way to approach it is with a sense of humor. If you can laugh at what he calls you and reply with a funny comeback (with perhaps that kernel of truth) you can deflate whatever it is he's trying to accomplish while keeping family comity.

I remember the story about George McGovern who was being heckled by a Nixon supporter guy during his long arduous campaign. Done in from his exhausting schedule, this guy finally got to him and McGovern blew his top and said to the guy, "Kiss my ass!" Well, back then this was horrifying that a presidential candidate would swear at a voter. There were meetings and much hand wringing as to what to do, how to approach the press, should he apologize, etc. Finally Frank Mankiewicz, his communications director said he'd take care of it. His response: "McGovern's a Democrat. What did you expect him to say, 'Kiss my elephant?'" Humor undid the entire thing and became a positive for the campaign.

I disagree with you, Annie. When something makes my blood boil, it means I am at the end of my rope. Moonie has been putting up with this for a while.

No, it is never funny to call someone "Chubs", unless it is an agreeable joke between the two people. In this case, Moonie is hurt by it. She did the right thing by explaining her feelings.

Moonie, I am glad that your DH stepped up to the plate. Although in a perfect world, it should have been you speaking, these things (in a marriage) can get complicated.

I hope your rash subsides and this issue is resolved with BIL.

When I don't have a good retort, I usually go to the backup and unleash something like "That's the BEST you can do? Oh wow, call the burn unit, I'm SO devastated..." or "I take it mama's secret ingredient in her cornbread that held it together was paint chips? Asbestos?"

I suspect this guy is not going to be insulted by anything you say. So why feed the troll? I'm guessing he'd let anything go over his head. Now if there's people around who could appreciate the jabs, that's different.

Agreed, Cynic.

So, Moonie, how did it go in the days after your DH spoke to him? Was it a tense visit? A pleasant visit? Any more (or no more) insults? I sure hope that he behaved in a respectful way so that you will be able to welcome him into your home in the future. (Or not).

What about walrus skin?

I eventually found that just facing the person and calmly asking "why are you speaking to me in this way?" works nearly every time. Oh yes, sometimes I would get the offense defense of "Can't you take a joke?" to which I would reply "Why would I think a mean insult is a joke?"

Of course that means that I have to pretend that an entire generation hasn't been raised to think of snide, mean, mocking comments as the epitome of clever and funny.

Hi Chubs. Oh John, it's you. End of conversation. Take the high road.

BIL didnt leave until sunday and, although it was a little ackward at times, all went well. I feel badly for DH. He's greatly annoyed. When he was telling a friend about how BIL was acting towards me, the friend said everyone knew from day one that the guy was a d***. The next time he comes will tell, i think.

Good for your DH! And glad he's gone. How's the rash?

Rash is gone! :)

With your BIL, I bet!

I agree, PK!