My advice would be to tell them how you feel, and tell them they MUST respect your feelings, even if they don't understand them. I finally got up the courage to tell my stepmother how she affected me about a year ago. I'm 36 and up until that day, I had recurrent dreams about the emotional trauma I endured through my childhood because of my stepmother (and my father, for not doing anything about it). Since the day I told her, I've not had that dream again and I feel like I'm finally "even".. if that makes sense? I no longer feel like my stepmother is looking down on me as a child.

Maintaining a relationship is hard work. It sounds like you want a relationship with them, very much. Be honest about your desires and expectations for the relationship and work with them to develop a better pattern of communication. If they're not willing, that's on them. But at least then you'll know that you're the better person for trying.

I think you need to give it up and talk to a counselor so you'll feel better. Nothing you say to them will make a change. Concentrate on taking care of yourself.

I understand why you would feel hurt. Just on the chance that your stepmother and father may not be aware that you would truly like a closer relationship with them, I would tell both of them how you feel. If after that they choose to keep you and your family out of the loop then you will know you that there is no misunderstanding and they prefer to treat you and your daughter poorly. Then you can with a clear conscience distance yourself from them.

I would not sever contact though because once you burn that bridge there is really no going back and your daughter may resent that you took this action. It's not fair, but kids tend to remember what they missed in life and you don't want to be seen as the person who caused a family estrangement that kept her from contact with her grandparents.

You sound disappointed with their behavior. I think that is a very common feeling among everyone who has a "step" role. There are some in the family who are "in" and some who feel as though they are "out". I think often men don't get it. And if they do, they either don't know how to resolve it or choose to bury themselves in work or play rather than deal with it. I think it can be a difficult challenge for them to make everyone feel equally valued.

My father passed away a few years ago and was a very passive person. His wife made all the decisions and he went along with that. Her family was paramount. She was very generous with them and her son. Not the same for myself or my brother. She had a temper that seemed to flare when she felt insecure.

Years earlier, I had tried to talk to my dad about it. That proved to be a mistake because he repeated my conversation to her and she became incensed. Hence, I probably should have had that conversation with both of them. However, in hindsight, I don't think any conversation was ever going to change their behavior.

Each was motivated to behave as they did. A talk with me was not going to change what motivated them. My dad seemed to be motivated from fear of growing old alone, being alone, not fighting with her and sex. She was motivated to encourage, love and support her biological relatives. Hence, my brother and I didn't rank high enough on the priority list to challenge either of their list of motives. Trying to explain how we were effected was only likely to create a backlash, since it would directly challenge their own priorities.

That left us with two choices. Leave the relationship; or stay, lower our expectations and learn to live with things as they were. My brother backed out of his relationship with our father years ago and he has no regrets. I stuck it out. When I was with them, I worked to include my stepmother in conversation so she didn't feel left out. I worked on having a relationship with her son. I bit my tongue when she let her temper take over and would scream, slam doors/cabinets and belittle my dad. I don't have regrets either. I loved my dad and I know he loved my brother and I. I just had to learn to accept him and the situation as it was, which was not always easy. I certainly considered my brother's position more than once, and thought about doing the same.

My take away was that I wasn't going to change my dad, his wife, or their priorities. In your story, it seems as though your stepmother and father have their own list of priorities. If you decide to challenge those, be prepared for some reactive behavior to silence you. If you were among their priorities, I think you'd probably know it.

I think it's more important for you to see the whole picture and think about how the situation is going to effect you in the long run. Then you decide what your priorities are, and work toward those. If you can handle being in the relationship as it is, with occasional reminders that you aren't a priority for them, do that. However, if you decide you don't want to settle with being an afterthought, you can just reduce the effort you put into contacting them.