My step daughters (4 yrs) call me mom but like the situation with your son and husband...I have been more like mom to them for the past two years. I think it's natural for a child as young as the girls were when I got involved to call the stable female figure in their lives mom.

Of course, we NEVER made them feel they had to and even tried to correct them on it in the beginning but they still call me mom. If your ex and his wife are MAKING your son call her mom I would deffinatly have a problem with it. However, you would be a tiny bit hypocritical if your son had started calling her mom on his own accord and you still made a stink about it considering he calls your husband dad.

I don't think your ex would have alot of sympathy for your feelings under those circumstances. I don't blame you for feeling a little betrayed but I really believe it should be up to the kids to decide what they call step parents since it is their relationship to be named. Alot of folks on this site dissagree with that but I truly believe that, like in your husbands case, some folks earn that title, bio parents or not. Equally some people don't deserve it and that's the reason why some (not all) kids call the step parent mom or dad in the first place.

You're not crazy. I can see your point. I would say that you just need to tell your son that he should call the SPs whatever he is comfortable with. Don't push either side. Let him decide on his own and let him know that the 4 of you will support him either way.

Thank you both! I'm feeling a little better already!

I did tell my son that if he WANTED to call her mom and felt comfortable with it then he should but the way he had said that he didn't want to made me think it wouldn't happen, at least not right away. But at the same time I wouldn't put it past my X and his wife to guilt my son into doing it.

I guess I just have to suck it up and ask my DS about it and deal with whatever it is!

Thanks again!

Talk to him for sure and I hope it works out!!!

My son called his step mom 'mama lisa'. He says he was told to call her that from the start. I didn't like it but my son didn't complain to me about it and I wasn't going to make a big deal either. If they 'made' him do it, then any negative feelings my son might have had were going to be on them for 'making' him. If he wanted to call her that and if I had made him feel guilty for it, then those negative feelings would come back on me. So, while I hated it and every time I heard him refer to her as mom or mama, it pissed me off a little, I tried really hard not to let him know how I felt. It was important to me that he was able to go over there and get along with her and if calling her mom made his life easier there, then it made me sleep better at night. It might have made his life there harder if I had made an issue out of it and she ended up resenting my son because of something I did.

I keep thinking about this and I can't seem to stop! I'm gonna give a little more detail and explain why I'm nervous about asking DS.

Ok so my DS started calling my DH "daddy" and when his dad heard he questioned and then everytime he said it at his house my X and his wife would grill my DS about why and say well if you call him "daddy" you can call step mom "mommy" and that is why I had talked to my son and asked and told him if he didn't want to he didn't have to but if he did then he could.

My son told me that they would still question or they would just make comments when he would refer to my DH as "daddy" like say "you mean ___" or whatever. So I told my DS that he should probably just call him daddy when they weren't around so that they would stop and maybe it hurt his dads feelings. So my DS has stopped calling him daddy infront of them but he does say it sometimes so they do know he still does.

So I'm afraid to ask my son and have him tell me know because he doesn't want to hurt my feelings, or tell me no because he doesn't and then me keep thinking he is trying to not hurt my feelings. I am also worried if I ask him and he says yes and I say is that what you wanted he might say that it is what they wanted just to spare my feelings.

What would you say would be the best way to go about asking him so that I get the truth and not want he thinks we want to hear?

Thanks again! You are all great!

I wouldn't even ask him. Why put pressure on him at all? He's a kid and he doesn't need to worry about his dad's feelings or yours. He loves both of you and calling his step mom 'mommy' or his step dad 'daddy' doesn't make you any less his mom or his dad, any less his dad. Kids don't care about that stuff, parents do. Kids want everyone to love each other and get along.

Your son is the only one that is ever going to know the truth about how he feels and he may tell you what you want to hear, just as he may tell his dad what he wants to hear. It isn't going to change anything for you to know how he 'really' feels. It will change things if he feels he has to lie to everyone to spare everyone's feelings and I think that's kinda sad for a little guy to bear that burden.

I know how you feel, but you have to set your feelings aside and think about your son's feelings. He is being torn by this and it makes him feel like he has to pick sides. Let it go and if you really want to worry about something, worry about whether this little boy is happy. I guarantee you he is not happy when he feels dad is upset with him for calling stepdad 'dad' and if he thinks mom is upset that he calls stepmom 'mom'. Even if they 'make' him and you don't.

My son is 21 now and it doesn't matter to him what he called my BF or his SM. I am his mom. His dad is his dad. Period. If the children end up thinking as a step parent as more of a parent, it's not because of them calling them mom or dad, it's because the bio mom or dad didn't do their job in making the child their priority. Your son may grow up to resent both his parents for creating this issue for him. Or he may look back and see that his parents loved him enough to put their own feelings aside to spare him having to choose.

Thank you for saying that! I think that is what I was thinking already...it doesn't really matter either way and I don't want him to feel like he needs to lie to spare my feelings.

I have been thinking about this for a week now and have really wanted to ask but I just haven't been able to bring myself to do it not only because I don't think I want the answer to be yes for my selfish reasons but like I said I don't want him to feel the need to lie just to spare me.

What you said was very well said and so right! Thanks again, I REALLY appreciate it!

I totally agree with Ima about not asking him. I have always been worried that my DS would think he needs to protect me or stick up for me. I just want him to be a kid. I don't want him to have the grown-up worries. So now he's switched to protecting his dad. I guess because of our CS modification last year. His dad really laid all these guilt-trips on him like "now that you have all my money, I will have to find a second job" and stuff like that.

"I don't want him to feel like he needs to lie to spare my feelings."

Good for you! You wouldn't believe how many moms I know that make their children think thehy need them to take care of them. My BIL is one of them.

Please don't ask him! There is simply no way to disguise the question so he won't feel bad or won't know what the answer 'should' be.

The best possible thing for your son would be to have a StepMom who he loves and who loves him back with no reservations. And if calling her "Mommy" makes that more likely, then try to consider it a good thing.

She will never take your place in his heart.
That place is yours forever.

I haven't asked him and don't plan to even though it's driving me nuts.

I know I can't ask him and I won't but I can't help but want to know and I just can't stop thinking about it.

I guess it really bothers me so much because I KNOW that she is not deserving of it. She has done things that a mother should never do. She would never put my DS before herself (because she is selfish) like a mother should do.

How do I stop myself from thinking about this and making myself crazy? I already know I can't ask him. I know it doesn't really matter because I am his mommy and the one that does everything for him. I know I am MOMMY in his heart and he is just calling her that. But I as still so bothered. I am actually trying very hard not to cry about it while I type (I am 34 weeks pregnant so that could have something to do with the crying).

Dont let it bother you...i know its hard. But in all honesty, what he calls her doesn't matter. You are his mother and always will be.
I lost my mother at 11 years old. I had 2 stepmothers. I called them mother. The title in our culture was out of respect because sheis a mother figure. So she does deserve that title. SHe is a mother. But she is not HIS mother. He knows that. I knew that growing up too.
I still call my stepmother, mom. She is a mother.
And being pregnant does increase emotions. I was very emotional when i was pregnant..i look back on on it now and i do not look forward to having emotional rollercoasters with my next pregnancy...
Dont worry about it elizabeth. I know its painful cause you gave birth to your son and its a deep feeling, gut feeling of pain if he was calling someone else this. You carried him for nine months...you gave birth to him, yoiu stood up all night when he would cry with growing pains.
Its hard to hold back but please do not ask him. Dont put him on the spot.
What would you do if you did find out that he is calling her mom? I know it would hurt your feelings but what would you tell him if anything?

I won't ask!

If I did find out he was calling her mom I wouldn't do anything so there is really no point in finding out for sure. The only thing that would make it worth finding out would be to find out he wasn't and I could stop thinking about it.

I just wish I could stop thinking about it and letting it bother me since I'm not going to ask and find out for sure and even if I found out I wouldn't do anything about it.

I'm sorry to keep going on but it is like all I can think about even though I want so bad not to think about it.

I wish I could make you feel better, but the only offering I have is to take comfort in knowing you are doing the right thing for your son. My custodial SD tried calling me mom for some time and I always corrected her. Finally one day she broke down sobbing, asking why I didn't want to be her mom? At that point I had to choose between upsetting her mom and upsetting her . . . and she won. Her mom freaked out on SD MANY, MANY times about it making her feel horrible, but SD held her ground. As she got older she could 'control' it so that she called me by my name to her mom . . . most of the time. She's even told her mom that I am more of a mom to her and deserve the title more.

After many years i can see how this would be devastating to a mom, but I still believe you have to put your child first and, bluntly, suck it up. Just as we tell our kids there is room in our hearts to love many children our children have the room to love many adults . . . and that may include two in a mother role. Who are we to tell them that is wrong?

I hope things cheer up for you. Concentrate on the new little one who will be calling you mommy all to soon!!

This is the only part I wanted to address...

Also let me add that my son ASKED my husband right before we got married "can I call you daddy when you and mommy get married?"

So did my SC 2 days before the wedding and I said No you can still call me pseudo because I think mom would get very upset if you did.

If he is doing it to keep the peace soon enough he will be calling her others names.

Thank you! I am actually feeling better today and not thinking about it as much! I must have been having a pregnancy enduced emotional day yesterday!

I wanted to say...my son actually calls my DH daddy at my house but when talking to his dad he always calls him by his real name. He did this because everytime he said daddy when talking about my DH he got a million questions and they kept saying "well if you call him daddy you can call her (step mom) mommy" and my son didn't like it so he stopped saying daddy infront of his dad.

That is actually the reason I think he is calling her mommy now. He is so good at saying the "right" name infront of his dad but sometimes starts to slip and say "daddy" and I think he slipped and started to say "mommy" when talking about his step mom.

Thanks again! It helps hearing other peoples stories!

pseudo_mom...I think your right, before long I'm sure he will be calling her other names. Also we allowed my DS to call my DH daddy because my DH is the one that is there for him everyday and does everything that a daddy should do.

You're welcome, Elizabeth. i hope tomorrow is even better than today!

That is actually the reason I think he is calling her mommy now. He is so good at saying the "right" name infront of his dad but sometimes starts to slip and say "daddy" and I think he slipped and started to say "mommy" when talking about his step mom.

"Slipping" doesn't necessarily mean he normal calls her mommy. Ever hear (or hear jokes about) parents with lots of kids going through a few names before getting the right one? "john, steve, mary, I mean kevin, COME HERE"? Kids with lots of adults do that too. My youngest brother at your son's age had 3 teenage siblings, a dad, a mom, and a stepmom, and would occasionally cycle through apparently random combinations of our names before getting the right one when talking to or about us. "mom, um dad, um I mean quirk, can I have"..."dad, um brother, um stepmom said that...".

I know exactly what you are saying and your right it could be as simple as that. I know that my son does that a lot too. If he comes from his dad's and we are driving he will go to tell me something and say "daddy" and then usually laugh and say "mommy"...so it could have definitely just been a mistake and not him actually calling her mommy!

I have been putting it out of my mind or telling myself that it doesn't matter and he may not even be doing it so I'm getting worked up for nothing!

I have been doing much better the past few days. I am getting to the point where I don't care either way, I know I'm his mother and that's all that really matters!