Oh, KYgirl--Big hugs coming from me, too. I haven't been on his forum in a while because I've been dealing with our own build from He$$, and I didn't read all the responses in this thread, but I did read your original post. We've just gone through something very, very similar--different problems, but similar in scope, jerk of a builder, almost no on-site supervision, several horrible subs, lots of stress and tears. It has been horrible. We ended up moving into our house ten days ago while it was still unfinished because of having to be out of our rental, reaching our bank deadline for closing, etc. I just wrote you a long post, but realized that it ended up being about me, not you--and this is your thread! So, I guess I just want to say that I sympathize with you, and I think I understand a lot of what you must be feeling. It's a good day if I haven't cried more than once before 9 a.m.! This has been the most stressful, unpleasant experience of our lives. Friends will say, "Oh, you must be so excited to be in your house," and I feel like a spoiled brat if I don't respond positively. It has been a nightmare. There's still lots to be done here, dh and I are doing and/or redoing stuff that we've already paid contractors to do, but they either did a crappy job or haven't been showing up. It just sucks. As badly as I feel for you, reading your post at least made me feel as though I'm not the only one who has gone through this and I thought you might want to know you're not alone. The old misery loves company routine, I guess! Take care of yourself, and try not to let it get you down--I know how hard it is, but if we don't look at the positive side, we'll go completely crazy. Although, at least you could then plead insanity when you're charged with killing Mr. Peanut!

Although it was in 2008, someone said above, "I agree that it is difficult to post on this [step] forum. . . it is hard." This is pretty much true today, almost 10 years later. It is still difficult for a SM to post on a step-forum without risking getting roasted. I find that those who usually insist on needing to know more and more "facts," are unwilling to take SM's word for anything and waiting for the right moment to jump on SM to discredit her. Bio-parents can complain all the time, but when a SP does, the first thought is usually SM is over-reacting and SK is being misjudged. A lot of this I see as a cultural or societal issue. Most have no clue what to do with SPs. No clue whatsoever, other than to try to pretend like they don't exist. What is normal or best for SMs? No one seems to really know. Even a lot of SMs aren't sure. Sure, there are some theories out there, but do they work? Like Imamommy said above, we are told to keep at arm's length, so to speak, but what does that accomplish other than ever-present awkwardness? Is it true that it takes a village to raise a child, except when it comes to SPs? Somewhat exaggerated, but I always say a SM's world is backwards from most other's "normal. It's a world where you are supposed to have no say in your own household, a world where you are supposed to give love and settle for nothing in return, a world where you are supposed to be a servant or babysitter and never get paid, and a world where you may be married to your DH but BM and adult SKs still get first dibs on your spouse. Society as a whole doesn't get it, and that includes even some counseling professionals. The entire focus is on pretending like the divorce never really happened to "make things easier" for the children involved. SMs, the vast majority of whom never got involved with DH until after the divorce, are basically expected, in the year 2018, to sacrifice themselves (a/k/a take the high road, suck it up and take it, be the bigger person, etc.) for another family's divorce and fallout from that. There is absolutely no way anyone can justify that a person is supposed to pay a higher price for something she had zero involvement in than the people who were actually involved. There is just no way. Some still try, however. Some SMs get lucky and have both supportive BMs and DHs, and some at least have supportive DHs. Other SMs have neither. And, in these situations where SM is lacking support, what is SM's reward for trying to be the glue that somehow keeps everyone together? It is usually to become the family scapegoat or punching bag. And, society endorses this. If SM doesn't accept her role as the family lackey and a lesser wife, well to get back at her, they'll just slap the Evil SM title on her. What it all comes down to is divorce sucks big time for everyone, but because society as a whole doesn't want to deal with the realities of divorce and wants to act like it is not that big of a deal, and pretend like mom and dad are still the real, one-and-only couple even after the divorce, that means that the only way to keep up this fiasco is to totally degrade anyone mom or dad goes on to get involved with or remarry, to totally discount them. And, to make matters worse, if they dare to protest, then you slap them with the Evil SM label or tell them they are not minding their place. SM's main role is to be a wife to her husband. Her husband's role is to be a husband to her and a dad to his children. SM is her own person, and she doesn't owe anyone anything for what has gone on in someone else's past and not her own. She shouldn't have to give a long laundry list to anyone to justify that she needs help and support. She wants to do the right thing, and it is certainly in her best interest to do so. But, the only support most ever seem to want to give a SM is to tell her that she is over-reacting and to suck it up and take it. I always tell SMs to do what works best for you, because no matter what you decide or do, someone will be there every time telling you it is wrong. Comes w/the Evil SM label finely embroidered on all of our chests.

Hi all, I'm new. I just want to say that many of the issues you mention really aren't YOUR issues. Things like her fraudulant lawsuits for example. I have an ex who's always frauding someone...but it's not my problem. The system will catch up and when it does, they'll have to pay somehow. You need to focus on dealing with the children when they're in your care, and disregard what they do in her care, unless they're in danger. You seem to have stopped the spanking but maybe you should make their Dad handle all the discipline. You could even try a "wait until your father gets home" stance when they are in your care and your husband is away. Once you stop engaging with them, they will stop engaging with you. You've only been married two years, so you have a long road ahead. Your nit-picky issues are just that, little nit-picky issues. I'd blow them off and laugh it off as a jealous bio-mom...those do exists sometimes. You know YOU and those around you know YOU...don't waste your time focusing on what she says or does. Keep documenting everything and always anticipate the worst, but hope for the best. If the relationship with the girls is broken, I'd really try mending it. If you're interested in some ways, let me know, maybe we can get creative. If you plan to stay married, you really need to get along with his kids, they don't go away after they turn 18, only the CS.

I think that seperate houses is a sad and dangerous "fix" and infact not really a "fix" at all. As sooo many people have stated and pointed out and the BMs on this board have rallied and pointed out as well... 18 or college does not mean that the children are not in your life anymore... it simply means a new phase of parenting. And, what kind of family enviroment does that provide for the children or sense of longterm sercurity and emotional well being?? What kind of positive example does that set for a happy healthy relationship?? Any father that would allow a child to speak to someone let alone their mother the way son did is not doing his job by any stretch of the imagination. Even as a bystander I would not have been able to stand by and see a child speak to his mother that way. As a stranger I would have told that young man that in no way shape or form is that acceptable not only as child speaking to his parent but as a human being addressing another. If this is the case and the children are acting like that and both mom and dad are not doing anything about it ... it is a situation that will not be fixed. The only possible fix is for dad to step up and be dad. IE: do not allow your children to act this way. Yes, not all children are victims some are bullies... some use their one ounce of grievance the one thing that went wrong in their lives as an all access get out of jail free card to do say and act however they please. It is up to the parents to show that this is unacceptable both as a child and as an adult in real life.