Let us first and foremost remember the purpose of a shower. To bestow useful gifts upon a couple/person that is embarking on a new phase of life, to offer gifts that help ease the transition, be it marriage/a new household or a new baby.

Honestly, in this day and age I feel like wedding showers in particular are somewhat archaic.

The couple most likely live together and already have all of the household necessities.

They will get plenty of wedding gifts, do they really need a gift "shower" on top of that?

Given the logistical nightmare this situation presents, I would personally opt for no shower.

i also would say no shower due to logistics. if anything, if possible, have a small shower with immediate family if they live close. the cost of just having the bride there is a lot.

i would do a virtual shower and just have people send gift cards or gifts directly to the bride's home. how would she get all the gifts back to her home in Missouri??

too many issues, too many headaches.

worse comes to worse, have a "ladies only" brunch day or 2 before wedding when everyone is present, to simulate a shower (no gifts)....but even that is stressful...

make it easy on yourself, do gift cards or presents sent directly to couple's home.

I agree to skip it. Might she even be given a shower at her office?

Showers always make me uncomfortable. I did not want the one my future sisters-in-law insisted on throwing for me 30 years ago. If you must, send a link to an online gift giving site. I think it's asking a lot for people who live far and wide. Or I like the suggestion of doing it the week of the wedding.

have a small shower the day before or the day after the wedding. Everyone is in town then.

Our DD lived 10 hours away from our hometown, where she would marry. As the wedding day approached, friends of mine offered to hostess a shower for her. By then, she was approaching the too busy, frazzled stage, and we graciously explained that we appreciated the thought, but flying in for yet another activity would be too much at that point. My goal had been to have a relaxed, happy bride and groom, and I was glad that we decided one more event was too much. They had a wonderful time at their wedding weekend, and my friends understood completely.

Aw, I would still vote for having a shower... part of getting married, at least back in "my" day! lol

Since your sister is hosting it, I would say it should be in Vermont and invite her friends that live there. I'm guessing the bride would be planning to fly up for it? If she registers online at Amazon or other places I'm sure if out of state people wanted to buy something for her they could just have it shipped to her mom's house.

This isn't that unusual. Young adults that attend college in one place (especially if at a university that draws students from all over), maybe grad school in another, then start work in a third place, accumulate good friends who are all over. The same thing happens for bachelor/bachelorette parties, people travel to attend.

With online registries, it's not like presents need to be delivered in person. Showers are more about the get-together for fun and celebration, not for gifts. The potential sponsor, whoever it is, can ask the bride and mother to ask around and if the potential attendees can't or don't want to make it, then so be it.

"Etiquette has not changed, people don't follow those rules anymore."

If people no longer follow what some think used to be a particular "rule", doesn't that mean the etiquette has changed?

I'm going to say this as gently as I can...That mama needs to grow a backbone!

I suggest skipping the shower in this instance....

Nobody can bring a gift to Vermont that needs to end up in Missouri. Everyone is scattered and would have to fly in to attend a party in which they're expected to bring a gift...

I hope I don't sound harsh, but there are too many negatives here and not enough positives....don't do it. Don't mention it. People will thank you.

Your sister should just send an email to the bridesmaids notifying them that there will not be a shower (if it's a question).

Gifts get sent to the destination the couple request. In this case - Missouri or wherever. Shower attendees can put photos of their gift into an envelope with a card

This really isn't a big deal, happens all the time. Do none of you ever purchase birthday presents or other gifts from Amazon or other online sites?

Just giving my opinion, Elmer, as you already did.

My daughter was recently asked to be a bridesmaid for her dear friend. When all was said and done, it cost her 1000 dollars.

I think that traveling anywhere any distance in order to GIVE is asking too much.

I wouldn't even ask the people I DON'T like to do it.

ETA: I'm sure anyone can purchase a gift for the couple and have it sent if they choose....They don't need an invitation to do so.

Most people have a dollar figure in mind for a wedding to which they will be invited. If they must travel, that takes a lot out of the gift fund, if there are shower(s), another bite. My DD hated showers - hated going to them, hatted the oohing and aahing over sometimes hideous gifts - just the whole thing. So, she said "no showers". And her wedding gifts were lovely! Did the same thing when she was pregnant. Best friend and her mother insisted on taking the two of us out to a special lunch and presenting DD with a very special gift. That was nice.

Both DD and DS quickly discovered when all their friends from HS and college started getting married (a few from work as well), that they could NOT afford to be flying all over the country every weekend to someone's wedding. And then there were the "destination weddings" to which both declined invitations - did not want to spend their vacation time and money on someone else's vacation choice.

I agree that bridal showers today are ludicrous. Most young people have been living independently for several years before they marry - they have pots and pans, dishes, bath towels and sheets. If they want an "upgrade", they should buy it themselves.

My 84 yr old cousin called me this AM in a total dither; her youngest daughter is getting married for the 3rd time - she's in her early 50's, and has grown children from both previous marriages. She wants her mother and sister to give her a kitchen shower -says she wants everything "new" for this new marriage. My cousin was outraged - bad manners for mother and sister to give a shower anyway and for a THIRD marriage of someone in her 50's? Wedding is going to be at a restaurant and she is buying a fancy white dress and veil. Cousin says she will not be attending this one. She is appalled by this daughter's total sense of any appropriateness in her life.

I have no problem with wedding presents if they are for things that a couple might well never buy for themselves - things like china, silver, crystal. I do begrudge when they say on their "wedding web site", that they prefer money towards a down payment for a house. Not happening. If they don't want nicer things, then so be it. I usually just give them a gift card to someplace where they have registered, and if they have not registered, I give them nothing at all unless they are a close relative - then I will give them a check. But that takes all the joy out of gift giving.

My "favorite" new trend is for the bride and groom to decide on a destination wedding in a country where non-citizens cannot be legally married. They can have a church wedding there, but I think the US may be about the only country where a church wedding means one is legally married - most other countries require a civil ceremony for the legality. So, they share this rather important piece of information with NO ONE who is invited, including family members (sometimes, not even with their parents!). My late husband's cousin's child decided that Buenos Aires was a nice place for a wedding (could they have picked anywhere any further away?), and held the "wedding" there, but had already gotten married at the NYC Wedding Registry a month before. When I discovered this with a bit of Googling, I declined the "opportunity" to spend 14 hrs flying to Argentina. Weddings as "performance art"... ugh.

Off topic but I have wondered how many destination couples do not know that they are not legally married.

I have very good friends whose daughter had a destination wedding in Italy. When they returned home to the US, they had a civil ceremony here in Missouri.

If this was "her dear friend", penny, I hope your daughter will most remember the event and the happiness she was honored to be part of and not the cost of it.

I'm going to guess from your comments that most of the wedding and shower events you've experienced have been local ones. Many aren't like that at all and what you're pushing back about isn't a issue for many.

Possibly, Elmer. However, she is young and just starting out in life. I doubt that a thousand dollars is something that she could NOT worry about.

And what I am "pushing back about" is a very real issue for (I would guess) a lot of us.

The truth is that I have never met anyone who WANTS to go to a shower. No matter where it is. We don't open those invitations with glee and excitement and clap our hands in joy. Or, maybe you do....idk.

I should say that the shower I was describing upthread was for lingerie or pajamas so it was pretty easy for the bride to take those gifts home in her luggage. All the attendees were close friends or family of the bride, so all the gifts were thoughtful and appropriate. Mostly, the bride enjoyed an occasion to spend time with those that she didn't get to see as often since she was living in another state.

I certainly could understand skipping throwing a shower in the OP's situation.

What I am seeing the demise of is the Bridesmaid's Luncheon, the day before the wedding. These were lovely "ladies luncheons", often in a private home or in a private dining room in a private club or restaurant. Everyone dressed up - suits, nice dresses. It usually included the bridesmaids, their mothers (if they were invited to the wedding and were coming- most were), godmothers, grandmothers and sometimes a godmother or two. They were just lovely - lovely flowers, lovely food and very special company. My own daughter said it was her favorite party of her entire wedding weekend as she was with the women/girls who meant the most to her in the world. This was when the bride typically gave gifts to her bridesmaids and one to her mother. I've gone to many and been a part of giving many - it was the cheapest and easiest party to volunteer to do for the bride's mother.

This appears to have been replaced by a raunchy "bachelorette" weekend in Las Vegas. Ugggg....

Can you give a Bridesmaids luncheon the day before the wedding instead of a shower? Might be SO much easier and nicer - girls are all already there.

"The truth is that I have never met anyone who WANTS to go to a shower.
No matter where it is. We don't open those invitations with glee and
excitement and clap our hands"

That's sad and too bad. I've never heard your sentiment expressed before, only the opposite. Showers are kind of a celebration (or so my wife and other female family members have said) and invitees are chosen to join in the fun and happiness. It's a bit cynical to think of them as a gift grab.

You'd rather hear after the fact that a close friend or family member decided to not invite you to one? Do you dislike wedding invitations too?

Well, speaking just for myself, I like to hear of elopements!

A former poster here had a "check and ladder" policy with her kids. You get a big check if you elope!

She herself eloped and found the experience very personal and romantic. She was helping her daughter do the same thing, although technically is it still eloping if people know?

I would be thrilled not to be invited...It's not a slight to me at all, Elmer. And for what it's worth, the gift isn't this issue.

I just would rather....I don't know, do laundry, than sit around watching someone I barely know "ooh" and "ahh" over a toaster....

I love weddings. Absolutely. I agree with Anglo that a lunch/brunch would be lovely...with just the immediate/close female friends/family...

Always fascinated by the traditionally female topics that you choose to comment on, Elmer. I do find you amusing...

Multiple thoughts:

- I agree that someone else needs to host. Hosting pre-wedding events (and the shower is an example) is one of the bridesmaids' responsibilities, and the Maid of Honor does have some nerve "deciding" that the bride's mom needs to handle this party. If your sister hasn't already agreed, I'd encourage her to tell the Maid of Honor NO.

- Having said that, if the Maid of Honor is young /broke, your sister might agree to help out -- providing food, for example -- while allowing the bridesmaids to be the official hostesses.

- Best option 1: As someone else suggested, have the shower a few days before the wedding while everyone is already gathered.

- Best option 2: Hold the shower in whatever location is best for the majority, invite everyone (so no one feels left out), but make it clear to the far-away guests that you'd love to have them, but you completely understand if they aren't willing to travel a long distance for a minor event.

- Showers can absolutely be fun. I was rather amazed at what my younger daughter put together for her older sister last year -- a number of people commented that it was the best shower they'd ever attended. Not bad for a 19-year old who'd never attended a shower previously.

- I don't think showers are absolutely necessary, but -- even though both my husband and I had lived on our own for a while before we were married -- I loved mine! And I very much appreciated "upgraded items" to replace the hand-me-downs from my mom's house.

I completely and wholeheartedly agree with penny who said that she never met anyone who WANTS to go to a shower. In my experience, that is absolutely true. I, and everyone I know and have known ( with the possible exception of bridesmaids who are giving the shower) opens shower invitations with a grown.

Sad? Perhaps. I, too, would be satisfied to not get another wedding shower or baby shower invitation. However, I love weddings and am a cheerful gift giver for those occasions.

I agree with Penny also. I don't know anyone who loves showers, be it bridal or baby. It's not that I don't want to buy a gift or contribute, but it's such a waste of time. I am really lucky in my large extended family that I have the excuse of my job, being on call and not being able to attend, in order to miss most of these events. And it's not because I don't like the bride or mother-to-be, I'm happy to send a gift. I just have so many better things to do. I suppose my feelings will change if my daughter ever decides to get married, but then I will be crying because I don't like her man-child boyfriend. But that's a whole nother post, lol.

Having the shower a few days before the wedding while everyone is already gathered doesn't sound feasible. Perhaps the bride will go home to Vermont for the week, but most of the bridal party, relatives and far-away friends won't be spending $$ to stay in a hotel for a few days for no reason. They'll probably come in a day or two early at best. That's too late to be adding yet another event to the wedding weekend.

I'm starting to sound like a curmudgeon, but how do you draw the line at weddings? We have two in March, both are daughters of DH's cousins (opposite sides of the family). One is a lavish affair, one will be quite modest. We have to travel and stay in hotels for both, plus gifts. Our entire immediate family is going to both. But these are just the first two, there are scads of cousins' kids yet to come.

LOL at penny’s “no one opens a shower invitation and claps their hands with glee!” How very true! I’ve got a shower invitation stuck to my frig right now, and thank the good Lord I am going to be out of town that day. (Really).

And if I weren’t going to be out of town, I’d make up an excuse. It’s not the gifting that’s a problem for me at this stage of my (mature) life, it’s the shower experience itself. Groan-worthy.

This is another vote for no shower. There is no real need for a shower and unless it was a close family member, I would be annoyed at having to travel so far for an afternoon of watching someone open gifts. I was once invited to a shower and when my sister and I arrived, we were told it was a "postal shower." We were instructed to help box up all the gifts which would then be delivered to the post office. The bride-to-be was not present, and we were not invited to the wedding. Classy!

People still bring wedding gifts to the wedding, too, and I hope you will encourage people to send wedding gifts to the couple before the wedding. Many people brought gifts to our wedding, and then we had to figure out a way to transport them someplace and then retrieve them when we got back from our honeymoon. Oh, I could go on and on about the annoying things at showers--like being asked to address my own envelope for a printed "thank you" card, but you did not ask me to do so. I do offer best wishes to your niece.

Another vote for no shower. People send wedding gifts anyway. There is no need to have a gathering to open some of them,especially in this case,it's such a headache to coordinate the logistics if it.

I am among those who do not like going to showers. The stupid games, the precious food, and then there is the looooooooooong ritual of sitting and staring at someone opening piles of gifts. They are not fun. Almost everyone who goes does so out of obligation,not inclination. I do not attend any anymore. I send a gift off the registry and do what I want to do that day instead. If I'm nagged about not going in any way by any party involved, I don't even send a gift. I am noticing the tradition is slowly dying off,as a lot of couples cohabitate before getting married anyway,and have all the stuff they need. Of course,this is giving rise to a new tradition, the online "honeymoon fund" in lieu of gifts. Not sure if I'm for or against that one........

It's interesting. I was married about 3 years ago, and we didn't receive many gifts. We didn't expect/want any, so I didn't mind, but I was kind of surprised given the culture around weddings.

About 3/4 of the guests had to fly in. We rented a beach house for them for a week, and covered all food expenses to minimize their costs.

What was funny is that some of the ones that traveled gave us very generous checks. The younger, local guests with no travel costs did not give gifts. Again, we didn't want any but the results were opposite of what I thought might happen. It makes me wonder if traditional gift giving culture for weddings is changing.

One of the most fun and joyful weddings I went to did not follow any of the etiquette. A picnic in the woods. Everyone brought food. The bride and groom read poems to each other and anointed each other with oil. Yeah. I know. Kind of hippie. LOL. No shower. No rehearsal dinner. ( I even went there with a friend on the bus. ) He was her third husband and ten years younger. And they were happy. So happy. And so unstressed. Remind me to tell you some time about the wedding party on the bus.

I wasn't being sarcastic...

ETA: Do let us know what you decide to do, Cara. I love weddings and I truly believe in happily ever afters. No matter the difficulty, the end result is what counts. I wish for the most happiness for both of them.

Admittedly it has been a while since I attended a shower but they all reminded me of being similar to a Tupperware or Magic Chef party. You come eat something. Play silly games, then you watch the pitch. In this case the pitch is unwrapping the gifts.

Yeah I’d rather be doing laundry too. I LIKE doing laundry . . .

Scott would love to hear about the party on the bus. No pressure!

I just found out my friends flight was not cancelled. I was supposed to have company this weekend. But it still could be cancelled. I told him to keep me posted. Now mad rush to tidy up. With breaks. Well he won't be in until 9 pm. Oy veh. Trying not to get too verklempt.

Oh. We just have dull friends and relatives. AND our friends have dull friends....by which I guess you mean we are dull.

THAT'S our problem....

Thank you for straightening that out, Elmer. Now I can sleep at night.

(now, that WAS sarcasm...)

I'm another one who thinks wedding and baby showers are boring. Playing stupid games, watching presents being opened, handing them around to look at them, feeling awkward when a gift is opened that is clearly an odd shower gift, etc.

But - I did throw my best friends' wedding shower when we were in our mid-20's. I told her mom, whom I adored, that I was going to "spice it up." She asked how, and I told her to wait and see. She told me I better not hire a stripper or anything.

So we're all sitting around, having eaten, and watching my friend open gifts. Some of the ladies were enjoying wine, when the doorbell rang. In walked a police officer wearing sunglasses. He was carrying something in a bag, but you really didn't notice he was carrying anything. He walked in and said he was looking for my friend. The room got quiet, and my friendly meekly said, "I'm Carrie." The "cop" walked over and told her she was under arrest and put handcuffs on her. Everyone in the room was silent, not knowing what was going on. When the "cop" leaned over to his bag, he pulled out a stereo, turned it on, and took off his glasses. Then started dancing.

I bet none of those ladies could say that was a boring shower!

Maybe it's time for me to share the wedding party on the bus story. After I finish the housework. Suspense.

Wow, Chi, I've never heard of receiving few gifts for a wedding. At our wedding one friend gave us a card only because she could not afford a gift. We were so happy to have her there! I think in general gift-giving is out of control, in that shower gifts are often what I consider wedding gift-caliber. My sister wanted to give my dd a shower but she has a scary health issue now, so I hope the idea goes away. Dd doesn't really want a shower.

Funniest memory from DD's baby shower. Her friend put it on and we were all sitting down when the doorbell rang. One of the guests got the door and two young women came in bearing gifts. They were shown to the table to drop off their gifts and invited to make themselves a plate of food. The whole time they had the oddest look on their faces. Then they came into the room and saw DD who looked about ready to give birth any moment and gasped. Some one said, "what?" They replied "we don't know any of you". It turned out there was another shower in the area and they got lost. They saw the balloons out front and figured they had finally found the right house. It wasn't, much to their embarrassment. DD gave them a hug, took pictures with them and the hostess told them how to get to the street they were looking for.

I gave showers for my DD, she lives out of state. I didn’t want the financial burden on her friends. Not one person said a thing to me about why was I doing it.

I think anything goes nowadays. It's all good.

I have been wondering about this myself as my sisters keep hosting showers for nieces, held at the mother's home....I googled it. The latest on shower rules and NOTHING was said about who hosts. My question for you is why do you feel there HAS TO be one? It is a rare bride who is in NEED of help starting off these days. Step back. Let her co-workers have one if they so feel so generous, perhaps her Bffs will be able to steal some time for a more private, intimate get together--mom not appropriate. If the logistics are sooo impossible LET IT GO!!

Since the OP asked specifically about doing something that wouldn't require everyone to physically be in the same space, I would suggest something that allows people to express their joy of the upcoming marriage and support for the bride. Really, that is what a shower is all about, non?

What if the MOB sent electronic recipe cards that could be filled out by each guest and printed by MOB and then put into a nice recipe box or electronic book. Older relatives could be sent paper cards via snail mail with a self addressed stamped envelope (and a date by which it must be returned!).

Or similarly, fill out a card with each electronic "guests" best marriage advice - you're sure to get some hilarious answers as well as some real words of wisdom. These could be printed into one of those online make your own books. Pictures of each respondent/guest could be added to the page with their advice. I would love to have a book I could look back on later to remember friends and relatives.

I think she should definitely do some sort of shower. People want to contribute to the success of a marriage and demonstrate their support and joy.

ETA: if you do want to collect for a gift, you can set up an online account and have people contribute towards a group gift (what do they they need? Something small like a really good wafflemaker or something bigger like a new fridge). It could be worded to be optional and people could contribute whatever they felt was appropriate.

With something like this, you could attach the names of the hosts or co-hosts (could be MOH or MOB) to avoid the breaching of ettiquette (altho where I live MOBs often host showers and did way back when, as well).

First if all we don’t buy gifts for a second or third wedding just because someone wants everything new. We also would not pay a fortune to go to a wedding. I would send a nice gift or a good sized check. Expecting people to fork out so much is ridiculous. I would never expect anyone to do that for any of my children. Use common sense people!!

I dislike wedding and baby showers also but have had to attend them a few. Now that I am older I send my regrets and a nice gift. I don't feel the to give a detailed excuse.