Constantly arguing with adult daughter

jacobs21

My 26 year old daughter is back home from college and living with me and my wife(her mother). This decision was mutual. All parties agreed 100%. We are a close family. She's helping out with the family business and is attending grad school.

For the last few years(8 or 9 years) my wife's arguing and cursing towards me has gotten worse and really out of hand.

I've seen my daughter go from thinking I was a super hero, most intelligent man she knows to a joke of a dad. I threw her out once(she was home during college break) and regretted it(being mouthy). I knew she'd be okay, she was at another college friend's home. But I just did it again(shes 26 now).

My wife. I am really going crazy dealing with my wife threatening to hit me and if I hit her back, she says she'll call the police. I called the cops on my wife once(she was being violent), the cops threw me out of my house The cop actually said to me, "Get the F**k Out!" I reported the cop, and they sent a letter saying that the cop was wrong and would be punished, but they could not say what that punishment would be.

My wife is tough. But she acts like a little angel in public. She calls me spineless in front of my kids. She says that I'm not a man, in front of my kids. To protect my "manhood" or ego I do say mean things to her too during the arguments, but I wished she'd just stop. So now, I think my daughter and son( when he was 18 punched me in my head once) see no reason to respect me.

My daughter shows attitude whenever I ask her to do something. She screws up basic company tasks. She constantly talks about her boyfriend, and screws everything up. Shes 26 and doesn't help her mother in the kitchen or house. I have to tell her to help out with the basic chores around the house. Clean your room, pick up your clothes, etc. She talks over me, and gets louder.

I'm not a wimp. I'm a pretty big guy and could crush them. But I refuse to lose that civil part of me.

Sorry about the messy post. I need a little help.

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Comments (22)
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colleenoz

To be honest, I can't see why you even stay in this toxic relationship. What benefit do you get out of it? If you have put up with abuse for 8-9 years without doing anything about it I can't help but wonder if your wife is right.

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jacobs21

I love her. And I think now, I am finally depressed. I guess she(they) wins.

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Suzieque

What do you love? She mistreats you an belittles you. She turns your children against you. Again, what do you love about her?

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Embothrium

Sounds like professional counseling is needed.

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naturewoman0123

Hello Jacobs21. Do you think the problems with your wife, is due to the bad treatment from your kids? Then it affects your marriage. My husband & I had issues, due to the disrespect from both my son, his wife, and our daughter. My kids are 32 & 28. It started when they went off to college, and hasn't improved. I finally have realized, things aren't going to change. So my husband & I are distancing ourselves, from our kids. My husband & I need to have our lives.


The stress our kids have put on our marriage, isn't good. I personally, wouldn't want my kids to come home to live. Especially, once they leave home. Also, especially if they disrespect you that way. Let her learn the difficulties of life. Unfortunately, we as parents, have to let our kids go, so they can experience the 'bumps' in life.

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naturewoman0123

Jacobs21, no they didn't win. That's not winning. If you removed yourself from that toxic situation, you win. THEY lose. Sorry, for everything you've gone through. I know, I went through that. But, trust me, when I say this. Speaking from experience. Most kids don't respect their parents. In my opinion. What they need is 'tough love'. If they continue acting up, it keeps getting worse and your pain gets worse.

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hoovb zone 9 sunset 23

See a professional counselor, please. In this situation you need assistance from someone with training who knows what they are doing. Perhaps ask your family doctor or someone else you can trust for a recommendation.

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jacobs21

I love my wife, I do. I do see how she has changed through the years. She's gone to counseling with me to 4 or 5 different counselors, but we never go back after 2 or 3 visits. I want her to go but she doesn't care. My wife or I mentioned to a counselor that I paid my wife when she helps out at my company, and the counselor looked shocked, but I never asked her about it.

My wife didn't go to college and wasn't good in school. I went to college(dropped out jr year, I know , I know...). I helped my wife to get her GED. I was really lost at how she was able to make it to high school. Public school can really suck. So when we had kids(2), I educated(a lot of late night math and reading, whew) them and now my daughter is in grad school and my son is a freshman in college. I noticed that it got really, really bad after I got my son into college. I feel so bad. She threatens me, she hits me. And I have to take it. She destroys my personal things. Then she dares me to do anything. The last time I called the cops, they threw me out of my home.

My kids were okay, when they were younger. But they seem to get a little more disrespectful every year. I'm sure it's because of their mother. They obviously figure that if their mother can get away with it,...

I feel worthless. I feel needy. I feel like I can't function properly without her. I've been with her for 26 years. I just keep asking myself, why wont she love me? Why wont she just hold me, hug me? A woman can get whatever she wants if she use her femininity. Through the years, my wife appears to be growing more manly, dominant. I wonder if she's struggling with her sexuality. We may have sex 2 or 3 times a year.

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Pea

Perhaps now that the kids are grown she feels depressed too and this how it is being expressed. Or maybe now that the kids are grown she is trying to feel out a place for herself and she has decided she wants to be dominant. Nothing wrong with a dominant woman but a abusive relationship is wrong. I think you should find another counselor, one where paying your wife for working for your business is not seen as strange. If you pay yourself for working at your business so should your wife. My mom for years work for my dad's business unpaid and one day after talking to her sister and realizing she was building nothing for social security, she put herself on the payroll and my father had always assumed she had already did that since mom was the one in charge of paychecks and was fine with it. I can see where a woman having to ask her mate for $ every time she needs or wants to purchase could be chafing and led to resentment.

As for your childrens disrespect...if you are not sure how they got that way perhaps you needed to be more present in their raising. If you daughter is intentionally messing up at work(i am assuming you are paying her) then you need to have a sit down with her just like any employee and tell her where you are finding the performing issues and how you would like to see improvement. Don't be dad in this discussion but employer, leave the homelife stuff out of the discussion and your perhaps disdain for the boyfriend behind and just talk about her performance as an employee and her future with the business. As an aside: you haven't by chance expressed a hope that son(now in college) will be able to take over the business one day have you? She might harbor ill feelings that you are not considering her instead.

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naturewoman0123

jacobs21, I read all your posts more carefully. It could be your wife didn't cope well with your kids going off to college. I know I didn't. I was a stay-at-home mom. So, all my focus was on my Kids. They were my best friends. I know that wasn't a good idea. But, my husband worked a lot, holidays, week ends. He had a lot of issues with his job, and his back. So, he was angry at home a lot. He began drinking a lot.

My separated for a year. I think just the thought of me wanting a divorce, really scared him. So, we went to counseling (group). Which helped us a lot, to listen to hear from others. We learned how to talk to one another. I hate to say this, but I believe my husband knew I was serious. So, it scared him. We are doing well now. But, I feel, it's because we removed ourselves from our disrespecting adult kids. Concentrating on us and our marriage. When I notice he is responding/acting like he use to that almost caused us to divorce, I remind him of what drove us apart. He remembers, and quickly calms down. Plus, he had to quit drinking.

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jacobs21

My wife and daughter are both on payroll, and my son when he works. They get a weekly check like any other employee. I think that's fair.

I was more hands on with the kids. If I had to put a % on it, I'd say 80% my way easily. I spent a lot of time with my kids. My kids really depended on me to get them into college. To get them ready for the world to be honest. I taught them how to invest in the stock market. How to start their own corporations, etc. A lot of time. But now,...for the last 9 or so years, my wife has been a verbal beast(she's called me everything; "bitch", "spineless", "not a man", "weak", etc.). Before then she was okay. We did things together. We had SEX. I feel like I'm literally watching my life go by, just waiting to be buried.

We used to go on family camping trips. Fishing trips(I taught my wife and son to fish and they love it). We used to hike together. Now I sometimes sit and just think about,...

My daughter met me at our home this afternoon(today), around 3:45 pm. She came back to get her things. She's living at her boyfriend's place I think(he's a good guy I think). I think it's time for her to leave. I think it's for the best. My wife seems to be okay with this. We will see. I think my daughter probably wanted this all along. Hmmm,...

If I wasn't so insecure I would go out alone, without her. I think I'm depressed. I don't know. I'm tired.

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Pea

You can go to counseling yourself and get yourself more stable emotionally.

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Embothrium

And go longer than 2 or 3 times!

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colleenoz

You need to get help to get over your depression and insecurity. Clearly the years of being belittled by your wife have taken their toll. I suspect that at the root of it is her insecurity at being less educated than you (and possibly less intelligent) so putting you down is her way of boosting her own ego. But that has to stop.

Once you are feeling more stable you need to make it clear to your wife that things have to change. It will take _work_, not just poking at it two or three times. But unless you’re good with the idea of feeling belittled in your own home until one or the other of you dies, either you both work on changing your attitudes (her toxic ness, your passivity) or you leave. Keeping doing as you’ve always done and hoping for a miraculous change of heart isn’t going to happen.

If your wife or children are cracking this attitude at work, it has to stop. Like any other employer, sit down with them and lay out the ground rules of how they should be treating you at work. If they don’t want to comply, fire them and hire someone who will. If you’re paying them, they need to step up to the plate and earn it as they would anywhere else.

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jacobs21

My daughter is a grad student, but helps part time with the paper work. My wife helps part time only also. I told them that I'm going to slowly get them away from the business. They appear to be okay with that idea, especially my daughter. Kind of hard to read my wife on this. But since she's(my daughter) out of the house now, I think she's no longer going to work anyway. And speaking of my daughter, Is it bad that I feel better, now that she's gone? I really feel better. Weird, but definitely better. I told my daughter and wife that "I think you're/she's[my daughter] ready to be out on her own, but I don't think you're/she's prepared," But then I added, "but who really is?" My daughter made the final decision to leave. She got her things and drove to her boyfriend's place. They met in college and have been together since then, 5 years ago I think. He asked me if he could married her a few months back, I told him yes. And I added that if he does more than kisses her before getting married that he would be sleeping with the fishes.

I agree with you all especially Colleenoz and Pea. I feel very vulnerable mentally. I used to be very confident in myself. Years ago, my wife said to me that my confidence was annoying and that she would never compliment me or pat me on the back ever again. Years of this did the trick I think. I used to look to my wife for support and appreciation. She gave me none. I've started a few businesses. She would say in the beginning that the idea wouldn't work and to just give it up. Later when it produces a nice cash flow, then it's not a bad idea. She's the kind of person that refuse to say something in a positive way, she'll say it in a way that it's not totally negative but not totally positive either. I think my daughter witnessed this transition of me becoming who I am today, and I think some of her anger is from that too. From Superman to mush.

Pea, hmmmm,... My son one day taking over the business. I have mentioned that maybe once or twice. But my daughter never really seem to oppose that. I never really thought about that. Something to think about.

Sometimes I feel like my wife could have been struggling with her sexuality and wanted kids and a husband to cover up who she may really be.

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colleenoz

I’m sorry to say this, but your wife sounds like a total b!tch. I don’t know if she’s struggling with her sexuality but certainly she’s jealous of anyone else who has success.

Spouses are supposed to support each other. That’s really the whole point of marriage. Otherwise you could be happy just on your own.

I understand that you feel relief with your daughter out of the house. One less person arguing with you and dragging you down. In all sincerity, I think you’d find the same thing if your wife left. You think you love her, and perhaps you do, but the relief you would feel about not being constantly (figuratively) kicked in the nuts a dozen times a day would more than make up for her not being there. You really should make it clear to her that things MUST change or you’d like to see if a trial separation works. A trial separation would at least give you perspective.

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pennydesign

Why are you in this marriage?

If your answer is that you love them, then that's clearly not enough. You deserve a life that's happy.

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jacobs21

I think I'm depressed. I feel weak, stupid and ugly. My wife tells me that my penis is a clitoris. I feel afraid and inadequate. This hell is now my comfort zone. I work hard everyday and just lose myself.

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Lucille

It's strange to me that the OP has only this thread, and has several times

during his posts guided the conversation toward his alleged wife's sexuality.

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colleenoz

Of course you’re depressed. Even we can see that. The question is, why do you not seek concrete help, such as counselling or psychoanalysis? Move out and away from this poisonous harpy who feeds your depression.

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pennydesign

Agree with colleen...

I suffer from depression and you have to see your gp first...Drag yourself there. They will most likely put you on an AD that has the most success with the most people.

This is in no way a fix, though, this is a step to get yourself to a place where you CAN think clearly enough to take steps toward healing (there are many roads to success here and some of them we start down and they lead to dead ends so we have to take a detour to another possible road to success...

You can't help yourself if you don't have the desire to help yourself. I had to take the medical route to get to a place of wanting. Because depression takes all that away.

If you know you want to heal, you may already be in a place to help yourself. See your gp and see what he says.

You can't move forward to normal until you can function, mentally.

I wish you the best. Find an online forum to belong to...they can't fix you as they will all be in the same place you are...but you can get some great support and not feel so alone.

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jacobs21

Last week I reached out to a few counselors and will select one soon. I'm hoping to deal with my marital and depression issues. I'm convinced that my wife loves me. I just think she's a little ignorant and is not aware of how she is contributing to this.

As of now, my "kids" are still showing me the minimum amount of respect. This happened after my wife started disrespecting me on a daily basis.

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