Childhood stapels that you avoid as an adult?
8 years ago
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- 8 years ago
- 8 years ago
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Adult child needs advice
Comments (26)All of you are starting to really anger me. Tracystoke with her post:"yawn ,yawn ,get out and about and sniff smells" is about as disrespectful and rude as it gets. The others nitpicking and thinking they have all the answers and solutions to secrecy's desperate cry for help. I understand that he gives reasons why he can't do certain things that are suggested to him. Why is he being accused of making excuses. I see cold heartless responses and "You are the problem" when met with lack of an instant "Eureka!!!" moment default everyday suggestions that really can not work in his situation. He has and told us he has been diagnosed. He has to battle a mental illness. He is depressed. His home situation is deplorable. Does everyone think he really is possibly lazy, or doesnt want to have a job or bother looking for one, etc. etc. etc.??? HELLOOOOOO! He is reaching out for advice and telling someone with his illness and home situation to go get a job, or stay with someone else, etc. just doesn't cut it. I am sure some of the people mean well. I myself am on disability, with a couple illnesses with no cure. By the way, I also have Narcolepsy. I am stuck in an abusive situation just to keep a roof over my head and not end up homeless. Secrecy, I have a couple suggestions, and will understand if you have difficulties with them. Just try your best. The first good thing you are doing for yourself is asking for help, and sticking to your guns and not dropping off this thread and giving up (at least to as far as I have read). You do sleep so much with depression, let alone any other problems with it. If you can, try to get on several different additional forums such as one for Mental health or depression, looking for work is an insane undertaking at this point in your life. Does everyone really think that if secrecy gets a job how can he actually function with the mental and physical state he is in? Number 1, try to get help with depression, maybe getting medications, help with how to COPE with your home situation. Number 2, try to get from Mental Health doctor a referral to a sleep center to get tested for Narcolepsy. If indeed diagnosed with that too, medicine will do wonders and get you in a regular sleep cycle. If you don't have it, then,you know depression is a big factor. I am not going to guess or diagnose, just adding on to what you have told us. If you try and work with Mental Health, (therapy/meds), learn to cope with home situation (for now, not forever),(through therapy and/or support forums) - ask the people at mental health if you can qualify for their housing. Most Mental Health facilities in just about every town in the US has rooms, group homes, apts. set up for their patients. if they don't, I know they have referrals to agencies that will help. I wish you the best of luck and many blessings for your recovery from the nightmare you have been living in. Do not give up! I have a list of how to help or not help people with chronic illness written by Not Done Living: DON�T assume because I look well that I feel well. Looks can be very deceiving. Many days I look great, but I feel terrible. DON�T tell me you know how I feel. No one knows how anyone else feels. Two people with the same disease may feel totally different. We all have varying thresholds of pain, and pain cannot be measured. DON�T tell me about your great-aunt GERTRUDE and her illness, and how well she managed in spite of it. I am not AUNT GERTRUDE, and I am doing my best. DON�T tell me, "It could be worse". Yes, it could be, but I don�t need to be reminded. DON�T decide what I am capable of doing. Chronic physical illness doesn�t affect the brain. Allow me to decide what activities I can participate in. There may be times I might make the wrong decision, and if I do, I�ll know it soon enough. DON�T be upset that you cannot ease my pain. It won�t do any good for both of us to be miserable. DON�T ask me how I feel unless you really want to know. You may hear a lot more than you are prepared to listen to. DON�T assume because I did a certain activity yesterday that I can do it today. Chronic illness and pain is ever-changing. DON�T tell me about the latest fad �cure�. I want to be cured more than anything, and if there is a legitimate cure out there, my doctor will let me know. DO learn everything you can about the disease. The more you know, the better equipped you will be to know what to expect. DO realize I am angry and frustrated with the disease, not with you. DO let me know you are available to help me when I ask. I�ll be grateful. DO offer me lots of hugs and encouragement. DO understand why I cancel plans at the last minute. I never know from one day to the next how I will feel. Chronic illness is like that. DO continue to invite me to all the activities. Just because I am not able to bike ride along with the gang does not mean I can�t meet you for the picnic at the end of the trail. Please let me decide � If I cancel activities, please do not stop inviting me. I do not deserve to be shut out or forgotten and left alone. Do not give up on my life, I have a hard time doing that myself....See MoreWhen did our adult children become perfect?
Comments (69)I am going through this grief right now and it is possibly the most painful heartache imaginable. My adult daughter has alienated herself from me over a difference of opinion on the subject of abortion. I was at one time very much into the prolife movement. But because I've grown and learned, I've changed positions. I support pro choice. My daughter, who has suffered multiple miscarriages, read a comment I made on a discussion about the subject and was offended. She refuses to speak to me. I am beyond heartbroken. I feel as if my daughter wants to control my thoughts. She posts things on social media that lead me to think they are deliberate attempts to twist the knife. So hurtful they are, and she never considers that worse than losing a pregnancy to miscarriage is the pain of having your own child reject you. I have also lost a pregnancy to miscarriage, so I know what that's like. I've also lost my husband, her dad, and that was at the time, the worst pain I'd ever experienced. But this! This child of mine has cost me a lot in terms of sacrifice. At a time when I could least afford it, because I was home from my job for medical reasons, my daughter needed help paying her rent. I committed to help her. She got engaged to a man and mom paid for the wedding. A few years went by and the marriage ended. She needed help again to pay her bills. By then, I was old enough to take early retirement. It was all I had to give. So I did. It cost me half of what I'd otherwise have been entitled to. And that's for the rest of my life. My daughter takes little responsibility for her own affairs. And yes, mom's fault for bailing her out over and over. Her sister got saddled with her cell phone bill. Her dog damages property because he's not properly housetrained, and that has cost her sister a lot of money. My daughter owns 3 cars, two of them are high dollar cars. Her payments for those, she doesn't skip. But it's okay to let everyone else pay for her bills. And she says I lie when I say I love her,...See MoreAdult Steps Drama
Comments (16)All I have to add after the last couple postings here is: be extremely detailed on what you (whether it be you or husband)exactly want. Be ridiculously specific leaving no room for a need of clarification...even if you/he now may believe there is no need to go to such extreme aka outlining even the simplest things which may have no monetary valve in the thick of things (personal items). --"The greed will cause many of the children to worry about what they will inherit from their parents"--(Shakti) It broke my heart for some of my mother's SO's heirs as I watched what the one daughter did and what she put them all through. SO only had two children, one had become deceased a number of yrs before SO passed. This daughter automatically assumed then everything should be hers. SO wanted his deceased child's three children to have the deceased son's share. He also left a portion of his estate to his two stepsons from his 2nd marriage. This part was due to the fact their mother (wife #2 married 15 yrs, and she was now deceased 20 plus yrs) had invested in building the house...it was a return of their mother's investment. Something SO had promised wife #2 when she died that he would honor. And he did. What shut daughter down at her every attempt was that iron clad overly detailed will and his immaculate record/bookkeeping. Oh, but it was not just the items of valve that this daughter made noise over. She screamed, yelled and totally made a stink over every last little item. She then proceded to drag up countless items that gentleman himself had given away over the yrs while he was still very much alive. Seriously, for example SO gave so and so (a grandchild) a china set 15 yrs ago so according to daughter so and so should now have this count towards a portion of the division. Then daughter tried the old 'this or that is missing, where is it'. What she was squealing about on this one was SO had (without informing and/or consulting with this daughter because it was none of her business) sold his mother's wedding rings (something that had been left to him by his mother). Daughter claimed they were in the safe and somebody has them hidden and Daddy said she could have them when he died. In reality the gentleman sold them all on his own. What was actually in the safe fortunately was the reciept from the sale of the item ...so that shut her up for a few minutes, well, until she came up with the next item to acuse and scream over. As I mentioned earlier, SO loved his daughter with his whole heart, but he never ever even yrs before his death underestimated the lady. Clever old man kept quite detailed records of what had been done and/or given away or sold over the years and is will was detailed and solid. The daughter got exactly what the SO had desired her to have as far as possessions and division as did each and every other heir...but in the end they all got less actual money than they would have because two lawyers (the daughter's and the estate's) got a larger chunk than should have happened if she'd have just abided by her father's wishes. Now there is anger amongest the heirs at the daughter over this sad ending. Final checks were cut last week, but I have no idea what will happen as far as any kind of personal relationship between that family now. So much anger and fighting. I can't imagine the family has much of a chance of ever reuniting and being a 'family' again. I'm just glad my mother is finally clear of them all now that the job of closing the estate is over and can walk away from them....See Moreif I could tell stepmothers of adult children anything
Comments (197)So typical for the women to be fighting. And so typical for the men to be absent, big-hearted, out of touch, clumsy, passive and will do anything to avoid confrontation. Ask yourself this, as women: Would you allow your grown children to treat your spouse with disrespect? Would you allow your spouse to treat your children with disrespect? One example in the original post, was that the stepmother controlled every second of the father's time, and didn't allow him to speak on the phone with his children. How many women would allow a spouse to ban then from speaking with their own kids? Women who would allow this need to call an abuse hotline. As women, we are nurturers and protectors. We are fierce about protecting those we love. We can mediate, moderate, set limits and still show our love without preference. Everyone knows how much we value them in our families. Showing love to one doesn't mean we have to abandon anyone else. I think this list for stepmothers to adult stepchildren is a surface reaction to the symptom. I could write an equal list of directives aimed at adult stepchildren. The problem as I see it, is the difference between men and women, how we think, what motivates us, how we deal with family. We expect men to think as we do. We don't understand when they don't. And in their absence, we square off and attack the opposing females. Then the men are forever victims, "stuck in the middle", like big, fence-riding whiners. Disengaging is a great tool many females in step-roles use. It's next in line to being married to a man who can actually love equally, be fair, have expectations and boundaries for the people in his family. I disengaged several years ago. I went from unsuccessfully trying to have a relationship with my stepchildren, who made it clear for many years that they weren't interested, to losing interest myself. It is unrewarding and defeating to continue trying to have a relationship with someone who doesn't want one. No more fighting. Part of disengaging means I am also not responsible for reminding my husband of birthdays, initiating visits to see his children, encouraging him to call them, etc. He and they are on their own to navigate their own relationship. They aren't banned from our home and are welcome to come, they just rarely ever do. Nobody is to blame, it's just often how these stepfamilies go when they don't work for everybody. I find it better when we lower our expectations, accept the reality (or not), and stop thinking that our lives will be glamorous if we all can just be one big happy family. Being one big happy family is no longer on my bucket list. If it happens, that's great. Will be another nut on my sundae, but that's about all....See More- 8 years ago
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