Oh my gosh. There's nothing wrong with your perception of what's going on. The very large problem is your mistrust of your own perceptions, your belief of your husband's lies (he doesn't really think that he's joking, he really wants to hurt you and to make a fool of You by making you believe that he thinks it's a harmless amusing joke), & your uncertainty as to your grip on what's going on. It's the kind of thing that results from years of being battered, mentally, emotionally, verbally, and now it has accelerated, as it always does, to physical. Once it accelerates to physical, it never goes back. It never gets better. It always gets worse. You need hands-on help and support. Please do not confide in your sons, is it would put you in grave danger, since they would immediately report to their father. Get some help from a Battered Women's hotline, from a lawyer, from your family. You need to find out what the assets of the family are so that you can take care of yourself financially, and you need to get out of there. Take care of yourself. I wish you the very best.

I agree. I think it's time for you to leave. You will feel so much better once you are away from him.

Decades ago when we first got married, DH sneaked up on me ( quietly stood behind me) when I was reading newspaper....It scared out of my mind when I noticed him. I asked him to stop it, but he said it was a "practical joke" that guys liked to play.

By the 3rd time, instead of protesting, I took one of his credit cards from his billfold and said to him "enjoy - playing - your - practical - jokes".

I gave his credit card back the next day, said nothing when he asked what I purchased with it. Even I never used his credit card, it kept him guessing for several months wondering what and when I would charge with his card. It was the last time he played his "practical joke".

Your husband is abusing you......If I were you, the moment I got up from the floor, I would call police to the house and document the incident.

I would gather records of assets you jointly own as a couple/family if you don't have those yet, put restricted access to accounts and find a lawyer the next day.

Please take care of yourself.

Thank you all for the advice and feedback. This incident did not leave me with my dignity intact. I felt so humiliated. I know what I should do......but it is really hard.....I have to start taking care of my future instead of brushing everything under the carpet and forgiving...

Yes, in my opinion you should. It sounds like he has a very serious personality disorder or at the very least he has "issues" that manifest at your cost. You're worth more than that.

He sounds like a bully. I hope you have a way to provide for yourself. I was married 22 years, it's not easy to leave but I'm SO glad I did. Take Sylvia's advice and take a step every day towards improving your life, whether with or without this man.

Put a stop to your sadness and stress. Take that step today. Imagine if it got worse. It is a toxic situation that could escalate and then there will be no return. Please look after yourself and make a good future for yourself.

I wish the good times in between weren't there. I just think that is who he is and I can't see anything changing.......still hard to do though

You were tricked, you were cheated, you were lied to, you were conned. You are being used to satisfy the inadequate ego of a bully. When you think about " good times", remind yourself that the good times were not good times. The good times were a means to an end. The times you were treated well only occurred to keep you where you are.

The good time and bad time were all real, the challenge is to encourage positive behaviors and hold him accountable for bad ones.

Each of us has strength and weakness, the trick is to understand and live with weakness and appreciate the strength.

Your goal is not necessary to break the marriage. It should be either make it a good fulfilled one, or get a good divorce that preserves your dignity, safety and security.

Here is an article discussing the complexity of the issue.

The Giver and the Taker

I spoke about Marriage Builders site on this forum before. It has a wealth of useful and mainstream information. In recent years, I have been helping good friends with their marriages problems, the site has been very helpful.

To clarify your vision and understand your true self, you may want to get professional help from a well qualified therapist, or psychologist... especially for your kids "I see traits in 2 of them in their attitude towards women the same as their father".

Have you documented all of your assets? Every woman (married or not) should know exactly where she stands financially.

Best luck!

Really, azmom? You think wifely encouragement to behave better will have any effect at all on an abuser? If anything, it will encourage him to play further sadistic games. Abusers do not change. They get worse instead of better. Advice like what you just posted can get women hurt or killed.

azmom....I don't think he has the right mentality to listen to anything to do with changing his ways. I think he either has a personality disorder or he is very damaged. I have gone through a lot of the selfish.....no women is ever going to tell me what to do attitude. I will agree that I have contributed to this but only in the fact that I have allowed this behaviour and have still stayed. That has just given him the power to keep doing it realizing there are no consequences.

This last incident left me broken....my dignity, my self respect and my hope that anything would ever change.

My one deciding factor was asking myself" do you really want to live with somebody that doesn't love or respect you " for the next 20 years ?? My honest answer to myself was HELL NO

sylvia,

I never said anyone should put up with abuse. In fact everyone has to nip the abuse in the bud when the first rude, disrespectful behavior appears, way before it develops into ABUSE.

Please don't mistaken my suggestion of "encourage positive behaviors and hold him accountable for bad ones." as asking partner to stay in a poisonous environment and endanger himself/herself.

Abusers could change, but it requires professional's guidance.

We don't know toomuch's situation, therefore I recommended her to get professional help for herself and her family.

toomuch,

It sounds like you have arrived the conclusion. It is a major step.

Please don't blame yourself for allowing what happened, past is past. You need energy and courage to plan and act for the future.

You have to understand the person who does not have dignity and self respect is your husband.

Have you had your financial in order? Don't sign anything until you get legal advice. Keep us posted especially when you need help.

Stay strong!

Good question to ask yourself, and your answer is very clear. You don't need to continue putting up with his abusive behavior.

After years of insidious verbal and emotional abuse it skewed right and wrong perception for me. Accepting such behaviours as the norm...it has in the past left me questioning my judgement of what is right and wrong and i was mitigating my husbands behaviour. I am finally seeing things with more clarity and not second guessing if I am being over sensitive. I guess we all have our limits.....I think mine is teetering on expiration.

Good for you! We all have our breaking points. Mine was when my daughter began to be afraid of her alcoholic father's strange behavior when he was drunk. I wanted something better than that for her, so we left. Best decision I ever made.

toomuch, I'm glad that you're seeing the light and a better future for you. Do you have a plan of how to proceed?

Suzieque

I have to get all my ducks in a row first. I have somewhere I can stay....just have to get everything in order first. Thanks for everybody's advice and input.

This has been many years in the making......going to take a while to get organized and leave at the appropriate time

Great that you have somewhere to stay!

toomuch,

A few years ago we help a good friend going through her divorce; this booklet helped her a lot. Hope you would find it useful.

Financial Divorce Guide

Toomuch, I am so sorry you are going through this. I have not been in your exact shoes, however, my first marriage was not good. Once I was out and some time passed and I was on my feet again, I couldn't believe how good I felt. I felt like me again and so much stronger than I had been during that marriage. (My ex-husband had done things that made me question my sanity.) I later decided that the final incident with my ex-husband, the straw that broke the camel's back, as it were, had been a real gift.

You will feel better once you leave him. Get away as soon as possible.

Ahhh...the old "I was just joking' line. I wish I had a dollar for every time I heard that one. He's history now.

Toomuchhashappened- how is everything going? Are you still thinking of leaving? Reading your post was heart wrenching. Ihope that everything is going ok for you. Trust your instincts, abusers love to crazy make.

My Mom always said that she stayed "for us"...it was the worst thing she could have done. Leaving, showing us that she was strong enough to leave and do what was the brave thing to do would have been a better lesson to us.

I can't believe he did this with the OP's adult son in the house and was allowed to act like nothing happened.

For a very long time my father was physically abusive to my mother of his eight children, six of which boys. It didn't happen all of a sudden, but he eventually realized that we would no longer tolerate it. Our mother wouldn't be the only one walking around with bruises and abrasions. If she got them we all got them. He resorted to walking around the house with a pistol in his pocket, and expelled all of us as we reached the age of majority. She left him when my youngest sibling was about fifteen.

She should have left him long before that.