Gifts I try to do similar, sometimes I do money & I do the same.

Mtn, my mother also likes to give gifts out of the blue based on random things I say. But sometimes it deprives me of the pleasure of shopping. And sometimes on closer examination, I really didn't want it or need the thing I talked about. And our taste is not quite the same so sometimes the thing she gives is not quite right.

I know she has good intentions so I feel very guilty for not appreciating her efforts. I hesitated to post this because I don't want you to feel bad about your generosity but I thought you would be interested in hearing potential downsides from the recipient's perspective.

OK so now that lots of you have weighed in......I am of the opinion that you give the same to the spouses/SO's (if they've been dating awhile and it's serious) as you do your own kids. DD lives in another state and we've only met her SO a few times, but I still gave him a few small things for Christmas and bday. They are now living together so I will treat them more like a married couple, like buying gifts for the house and spending the same on both.

My bff's take was no. She thinks it's perfectly fine to give your own child more. I said that I would feel like it was a slap in the face to the SO. She used her DIL as an example. They don't have a good relationship. I've known my friend since 3rd grade and I know she welcomed her DIL with open arms. But DIL has said and done many hurtful things over the years. She sends a card and said even if she had unlimited funds she would still just send a card. She does send gifts to their kids.

I just thought her take was interesting and made me think.

The plot thickens! Your friend does not have a good relationship with her DIL and feels justified in giving her nothing. Totally different than you Joanie, who get along with the SO of your DD.

same amount for sil and dd dd did complain once.... if i gave one more than the other, the sil would get the most dd is a stinker sometimes

I give gift certificates to all members and their mates. The amount never varies. Easy peasey.

It would make me sad if my late in-laws had gifted me differently than they did my DH. Thankfully, though, they were so welcoming and kind and always treated me like another daughter. I can't imagine not doing the same for my DIL or someday SIL. I think it would be hurtful to do so.

I don't have any kids who are married, but I do have a 21 yo son who has been with the same GF for almost 5 years. I'm never sure quite what to do about her for gifts. Her birthday is soon. I have never given her a bday gift, not because I'm a Scrooge, just because I've never thought about it (or haven't kept track of when her birthday is). Would it be odd for me to suddenly give her a gift for this upcoming bday? She's turning 21, maybe just a card and a little bottle of champagne? (Note: I won't see her on her bday, if that matters.)

For Christmas, we have given her a gift for the last 3 years. Her parents have given our DS a gift too. She doesn't give us a gift, and DS doesn't give her parents one, which seems fine to me. What bugs me is that she doesn't thank us -- unless we are able to give her the gift in person. Last Christmas (and the year before, now that I think of it) I gave her a very thoughtful (in my humble opinion) gift, and gave it to DS to bring to her when he went to see her that night. I never heard a word from her about it. I finally asked DS if she liked the gift -- he said she really loved it. I guess my GF issues are a topic for another discussion... ;-)

My parents always give the DIL and SILs the same as their own kids. SO's get half. My other is adamant about this.. probably because of my history lol. I have had multiple significant others who I haven't stood the test of time. With the next generation, she has continued giving half the amount. I should add that she gifts presents not money and they are all very thoughtful (I know, because I do her shopping (with her giving final approval) and I put the thought in).

As a sister/aunt, I have always given gifts to the SOs.. not all my siblings do. I think if they can handle the extended family gatherings, they deserve to feel welcomed!

Sue, I am kind of shocked by the gf's behavior. I remember the gifts you've given and the thought you put into them.

My ex in-laws gift me just as if I was still married to their son, which was always the same as their children.

Sueb, I notice less and less thanks every year at graduation time, too. Thank you notes for wedding gifts are about 50-50. I think it's one of those etiquette issues that's no longer drilled into kids. And that's a shame.

I know this is an old post but I just can't help but comment because yet again, I'm hurt by my MIL and FIL's unequal gift gifting.

My DH and I have been married for 17 years. I do ALL of the gift buying for both sides of our families and am always generous and equal.

Our birthday's are 1 month apart (June & July).

His parents got separated 7 yrs ago so now we get checks from each of them on our birthdays/Christmas. I seriously would NOT even care at this point if either of his parents didnt give us anything because its not about the $ and that doesn't matter to me.

But the discrepancy between what we get is so hurtful.

I do all of the bills and I'm depositing the checks from each of his parents for us this year for our birthdays:

FIL gave DH a $50 check. Mine was $40.

MIL gave DH a $150 check. Mine was $50.

I am 100% serious that I don't care about gifts or money. And I honestly don't even know which situation (FIL vs. MIL checks) bothers me more. But his mom sent this wishy washy card about how she sees me "not as a daughter in law, but as a daughter" and then writes significantly different amounts. Why even bother?

I'll finish by saying that a year after DH and I were married, I lost my dear father (cancer) and the next year, my mom (Alzheimers). So I have not had parents (who were always generous and fair with gift giving) sending me or any of us gifts at the holidays and birthdyas. Every time I have to deposit an obviously unequal check from my inlaws for DH and I, it just makes me think of how much I miss my parents, how they would NEVER do what my inlaws do with gift giving, and how I no longer have a parental figure in my life who views me as special as my DH. And what hurts even more is that my inlaws KNEW my parents and are acutely aware that they're no longer in my life. To me its just pouring salt in an already deep wound when you "favor" your own child to the extent of rubbing it in their spouses face.

I just want to give a perspective on what it's like from a daughter inlaw who could care less about gifts, but if DH and I are going to get them, it should be fair.

I know this is an old post but the person who opened it back up seems sincere. I am a daughter in law. I am very close to my mother in law, when we would go out shopping people would see us cavorting and laughing and assume she was my mother. She is now in memory care and I am the daughter in law whose name she knows. The other son, who was married 10 years before we were gets the question, 'are you married' all the time.

My in-laws never gifted us the same. DH, their son, got a birthday card and gift. I got a card. DH and I both got Christmas gifts. Our children were well loved and well gifted.

My mother is equal to the extreme. All DIL's(she has 2) and all SIL's(she has 3) get the same birthday and Christmas. I assume all grandchildren do to, but its really none of my business. I do think that the one granddaughter is her favorite, but she is the only girl and she is the youngest of all the grands and my sister, who is my mother's favorite, almost died having her so she is pretty darn precious!

I'm sorry that your unequal treatment causes you so much pain. Does your husband know how you feel? My passive aggressive side would be inclined to fail to cash my checks. Not sure what I'd respond if asked about it.

My mother in law was a piece of work. She, at my house, during the time my husband (her son) died suddenly and had come from out of state for his memorial service, told me that they were going to have to change their will now (taking me out of it). I don't really blame them, as we had no children, but it was such a callous thing to bring up. Then, when I asked them if they could lower the interest rate on the home mortgage they held for us (which had been loaned when rates were something like 11%, but were then down to 6 or 7%) since I'd lost his income, they said no and told me I should sell my home and move. I got a mortgage from the bank at a good rate and never spoke to them again.

It definitely seems odd to give unequal gifts to those who will obviously see the discrepancy.

But, Sharon there is a bit of humor in this. The two checks are essentially going in the same pot anyway.

What would happen if your husband called them out on it? What could they possibly say?

This is one of those things that will, always bother you. Try to not let it consume you. Vent about it after you receive the check, then move on.

Oly, what awful people. So sorry that you had to go through this.

Oh, Oly, I am so sorry you had such nasty in-laws.

I am not a mother in law yet. I expect to treat my daughters in law as daughters. I pray a God does not test me on that. My family gives equal gifts. My husband's family, it depends and I don't care.

@Oly my jaw just dropped. What awful people.

@Sharon that would bug me, too although I doubt I'd say anything other than to my DH. Funny thing with my DIL and gifts, I probably go overboard for her because #1 I love her to pieces, #2 I didn't have a daughter to buy for so it's fun and #3 my son, her DH is so darn practical it's difficult to find things not on his 'need' list.

Sharon, someday in casual conversation, your DH should tell his parents that for years and years you and DH have been cashing the checks and buying the other one a gift.

Wow, Oly, that was harsh. I’d be glad to have them out of my life.

I've told my family, to the chagrin of some, that we are no longer doing gifts. My DH and I don't do them anymore either. We're too old and too busy to bother with the work and drama so often associated. No kids, but I do send money to some of the younger ones in our circle - not always on a "holiday schedule" either.

Sharon, I'm sorry it bothers you. People often suck. What if you and DH were to do the same as I did and just put an end to it once and for all?

ETA: @Oly - your's in-laws suck a$$. I had a friend in a similar situation (which included a child). It was shocking, but people never cease to surprise me.

And I also think everyone expects us to be particularly generous --- we are --- but then don't really appreciate it since, in their view we can so easily afford it. And the lack of thank yous that one sometimes sees is outrageous.

Agree with this! We are considering making some changes with respect to our year ‘round gifts.

Our DS2 is a complete outlier when it comes to gifts. He appreciates them very much but never expects anything and is surprised when he does get something. He is 29 years old and just sold his old car to his girlfriend (for about half its value). Before he did this he called me to ask if she should pay him, or us, because we had given him the car initially years ago. He said, and I quote, “obviously I am completely fine with whatever you’d like to do.”

WRT spouses, we have only one in-law and we do the same for him as our daughter. We love him dearly but that isn’t why; in fact I think we would bend over backwards to be equitable if we didn’t like him. In fact, none of our kids needs anything from us; they all have great jobs and trust funds from generous grandparents. But I can honestly say none of them is a spendthrift and we try to get them things they would not buy for themselves, which has now morphed into expectation in some quarters.

...adding, Olychick, that must have hurt you so much. I can’t understand why people act like that.

I am so sorry for those who have ever felt slighted. I can imagine how that would feel, to be given a lesser amount of something, simply because of where I fall in the legatee line. Oly, what you experienced was especially brutal. Your inlaws sound like bitter, cold people.

This topic brings up another question for me: For those who give monetary gifts to "children" in their lives who are not their own children (nieces, nephews, godchildren, for example), how long do you keep giving? When the child reached adulthood, was there a point where you stopped the monetary gifts, or did they continue? The children in my life are all still young enough for me to want to continue giving (although there's not always so much as a text to say 'thanks', which I will admit is a bit hurtful), but I do think there may come a time when old auntie has served her purpose as a source of funds for toy-buying, and I just wonder how one gracefully goes about ceasing to give. I'm not saying I definitely will want to do this, but if I DO ... well, I'd like to hear how others have handled it.

I think you could switch to just a card after 21. At the very least, I would stop giving gifts to nieces and nephews at the point they have children to whom you gift.

Of course, there are always exceptions depending on one's on circumstances, the closeness of the relationship, and needs of the recipient. And gifts are always optional. In theory. : )

We stopped giving gifts ($$) to nieces and nephews at some point during their college years.

I’m from a pretty small family....I received gifts from aunts and uncles for a loooonng time. And gifts from my grandparents and great auntie until they passed away (and beyond...they included my brother and I in their wills.) Great aunt never had children, so she was kind of an extra g-mother anyway. 😊 I was very well-trained about thank you notes, so that was never an issue.

I only have 2 kids and one niece, so I feel pretty certain I’ll be doing gifts until death renders me unable. 😂 I love giving gifts so it’s not a hardship.

My children have always received very extravagant gifts and money from both my parents and dh’s. They seemed to really enjoy spoiling them rotten...every time my kids were with dh’s parents (which was a TON, they basically lived a mile away so several times a week at least,) DFIL would slip them each a twenty! When they were like little bitty kids! He told them to always request “folding money” from the Tooth Fairy. 😂 My mom loved taking them toy shopping, and later, clothes shopping. It was so annoying, all the kids had to do was express the remotest interest in something, and mom would buy it. 🙄

Both DFIL and my mom passed away last fall. DMIL has dementia now. My dad is still very active and sharp at 77. It is really hitting me that the two people who were the “love language” gift givers to my children were now both gone. DMIL is in a memory facility, and my dad is just not a gift giver. He is very financially comfortable, but terrible about knowing amounts to give the kids, etc. Never even picked out a card for anyone before mom died. Now, my children want for nothing, but *I* get so sad that they really don’t get gifts from grands anymore. 😔 It’s not the physical gift...it’s the lack of it and the fact that it represents the loss of two incredibly special people who adored my children beyond reason. Ugh, now I’m crying.

I'm so sorry, Nini.

Ida - This idea may help you decide when or how to stop the gift-giving to those 'other' kids. When my three were growing up one of DH's aunts regularly sent birthday and Christmas gifts. As each finished high school she sent them a graduation card with a check and a lovely note talking about achieving another milestone and wishing them well in the future and then added that since they were now adults and off to college they had also graduated from her gift list.

Oly - I have trouble fathoming how mean some people can be but your in-laws seem to have won the prize - that's about as heartless as I can imagine.

Sharon - it's hard to ignore slights like that especially when they continue for years. My MIL had 2 children - a daughter and a son (my DH) and until she died she gave extravagant gifts to her daughter. It didn't seem to bother DH and when I asked him he just shrugged and acknowledged that his Mom had always been that way. But I have to admit it did bother me especially since my husband was very caring and solicitous of his mother while his sister couldn't be bothered.

A timely post for me. Just about a month ago I decided to stop birthday gifts for my 2 sons and their wives. Both had new babies this year, bringing our grandchild total to 4, and I tried to stress that our birthday gifting will switch to them instead.

We are generous to all at Christmastime, and this past winter when we came into some money unexpectedly we divided it in half and gave to both families. Also we have started individual investment accounts for each grandchild that we will add to on a regular basis.

I just thought it was time to stop the birthday gifts for our grown children and their spouses (ages range from 35 down to 26).

(((oly)))

Thanks for all your kind remarks. My in-laws were really something...they favored my husband's older brother (1st born) and his sister (the baby). My husband tolerated them but had no fondness for them. His mother thought they were very close and always stressed how special my husband was to her. Empty words.

His sister married a man in Australia who had a bunch of kids already and they had a few more together. His older brother had a son with one woman and 2 daughters with another. My husband's older brother died a few years after my husband, leaving 2 young daughters (my husband was 47, his brother was 52 when they died) and my in-laws quickly took the other daughter-in-law out of the will, too.They offered no help to her for the little girls. Instead of leaving the brother's 1/3 of the estate to his children, they left a few thousand to the young daughters and I don't know what they left the elder grandson). So their daughter inherited their very sizable estate and conceivably, her husband and his kids could end up with all of it, should the sister die first, instead of the children of their son. I felt no "entitlement" to anything, but really was disgusted with them for not helping their other son's widow and small children.

They are (were, the parents died in the past few years) all evangelical christians, by the way. The son in law in Australia is a pastor in a very small conservative church.

I'm so sorry, Oly and Nini.

If their estate was extremely small, I can see why it was just left to the daughter. But if it was sizable, some should have gone to their son's children.

FWIW, our children and their spouses are in their 30s. I give our children the same amount and the spouses the same amount. I am generous with all, but I do not give our children and their spouses the same. Maybe it's because my mom did this? If I were to give them all the same, I would end up lowering what I give our children. I am 110% positive the spouses do not have hurt feelings and are thankful for their gifts.

Our children were blessed to know all four of my grandparents and my parents. DH's parents were alive but divorced. FIL remarried, and all three were non-existent in their lives. MIL for medical/mental reasons and FIL/SMIL for other reasons. FIL/SMIL gave gifts to other grandchildren, even though they did not see them very often, but stopped giving our children gifts early on.

In terms of gifts, I think we have given more to our stepson than our own children because he is older and so his needs were different. Eg, cars, a wedding, honeymoon, furniture for his home, that sort of thing. Who knows or will keep track of how that compares to our other three.

I used to keep track of the spending on my own three very closely, but not anymore. I've already told mine that they are old enough to appreciate that there are cases where one needs something different from the other, and none of them have anything to complain about.

I give my step DIL small birthday gifts, not money. I usually give my SS money (gift cards) and whenever they visit we give them our credit card to go out to dinner, fill their gas tanks, buy groceries, etc. The value of those exceeds the gift value.

Up-thread someone mentioned the downside of my fave mode of gift giving, which is a random surprise throughout the year. The poster suggested some gifts might be unwanted. In my family, the joke is that our family crest should read "you can always return it" since I say it so much.

LOL I used to say that a lot too, Mtn. Agree with everything in your last post. It's always nice to be able to help out when needed or surprise gift "just because." Those gifts mean a lot.

Oh, Nini, I'm so sorry about your children's grandparents. I hope the memories of the special treatment they received in their early years will be with them forever. I am one of those grandmas. Just one grandchild and he's got my number. Your post made me weepy, too. I'm leaving him a good amt of money in my will and a note to his parents and him that part of it should be spent on the things I usually do for him...he loves fancy hotels and vacation houses. There is enough $ for college and his future; if I die before he's old enough to inherit the $, then I want his parents to use some of it to keep his life a little more fun, even without me.

I have a good 'everything equal' story. My MIL was a wonderful person and enjoyed Christmas and gift-giving in general. She was always generous, and tried to keep everything even with the DIL's and then with the grandkids when they came along. One year at Christmas, we arrived late, to find my husband's younger brother and his family already there. As gifts were opened, I noticed that there seemed to be more gifts for the younger brother's kids, which was not at all like my MIL. I put it on a back-burner, and tried to enjoy the celebration, hoping my kids wouldn't notice. One of the gifts for a nephew was so cute, after dinner I asked my MIL where she had found it, planning to try to find one for my youngest. She said, "I don't know--X and Y brought all those extra gifts." My BIL and his wife had brought a bunch of extra gifts for their kids to open at the family celebration--without warning anyone else ahead of time, so MIL's work to keep everything even that year was for naught.

Another year they showed up, after we had arrived, with huge boxes wrapped up for my girls. Their children were almost beside themselves with mirth, and couldn't wait for my kids to open their gifts--which should have tipped me off that something unusual was happening. What kid doesn't equate size with value--a huge gift box must hold something grand, right? They and their kids all enjoyed a good laugh watching my girls' faces as they opened empty packages. Thank goodness the n-laws weren't in on that either. BIL and SIL did have other gifts for my kids, but to this day I don't think they realize how cruel they were.

BIL is a great guy, and his wife is an only child, so I've chalked her 'quirkiness' up to that. This all happened when my husband was alive, so I can't let them off the hook on that count, and BIL has always been genuinely fond of my children. They have produced two great kids who have remained close with my children, even though now are all adults.

Oly, being a widow I can sympathize (hugs). Nini, aside from losing their dad, my kids have lost both grandmothers, who were the gift givers who never forgot a birthday or Christmas.

joaniepoanie, I give my children's spouses the same amount I give my children in cash gifts for birthdays and Christmas, but I give to both on the child's birthday. Two children-in-law get their gifts before their birthdays and one gets his late. But he lives with me, so he also gets brownies on the actual day. :)

They all get Christmas stockings with goodies and little personalized things I find during the year. This Christmas maybe not since I have given up shopping thrift stores and flea markets due to covid19.

(Now that the thread has again dropped off the first page, I am deleting part of my comments, which add nothing to the original question.)

I am always surprised by the unkindness leveled at only children. That's not your SIL's problem, mama goose. It's not her OC status that makes her "quirky," she's just a cheap, mean b*@#)!

I was going to ask how being an only child makes one mean. 🤨

My apologies to only children everywhere. I'd still rather think that's just a facet of her personality, than she is just plain mean or b*@#)y.

I’m married to an only child, and there are definitely aspects to his personality that can be chalked up to growing up an only vs growing up with siblings! Good, bad and in-between! 😊He agrees.

(Although your SIL does seem to have a decided mean streak! 😂) Yikes!

My grandfather would give cash gifts for Christmas. My grandmother had died when I was young so I never remember receiving toys and the like. Anyway, Grandpa was generous, but his method of distributing the card to my parents was touching, especially to my mom. He always handed the card directly to my mom (even thought both names would be on the card). This method was touching to her and she knew she was included in his immediate family. . My mom continues this distribution of handing cash gifts to my DH until she died. Little gestures can have big impact.

As an only child, there are definitely personality quirks common to many only children, such as independence at a young age, being perhaps a bit spoiled as a child, etc.

I can honestly say that the cruel streak that mama goose’s SIL showed, is not one of those traits.

Jb, don’t forget other traits like superior intelligence and ravishing beauty.

I’m an only child, too. 😜

Yes, Sue! I was so busy staring in the mirror while doing quantum physics in my head, that I forgot!

Another only here! I do like to get my way, but am also acutely aware of having to be a good friend...or else you have no hope of having a "chosen" family via your friends.

Oly, so true! Because we were a small family and extended family lived far away, my parents and I often spent holidays with close friends and neighbors. Thanks to DH, I now have a bigger extended family within the same state, but we also have some very close friends who we consider family, too.

I know other singletons who are great people--a wonderful niece, a different lovely SIL, a favorite cousin, and a favorite cousin of my late DH, who introduced me to my DH, a good friend--I'm sure I could name more. I hate to think of the SIL as a deliberately cruel person, although there's no arguing that she (they) did something cruel in the guise of a joke. If my children had become upset I'm sure that she and BIL would have felt bad, or maybe their kids (who are younger than mine) were just having so much fun, the parents thought it was hilarious, too. I never discussed it with the n-laws, which I think has been the best course of action.

I have an only child and the thing that strikes me most is how he relishes his quiet time and entertains himself. He's 15 now, but this has been the case since he was a young child, he always could find something to occupy himself with. Most of my friends have 3 - 4 kids and I am always struck by the constant activities so their kids won't be bored. Also contrary to the only child myth is he is outgoing and with a large friend's circle. He has never been shy around adults which I think is because he has always been around them.

I'll bet @kurtjeg 's sister would like this.

My boyfriend parents didn't get me anything on my birthday but on their daughter birthday they buy her a birthday gift. Does that mean his parents hates me or dislikes me?

HI Brittnee! A daughter is much different than a girlfriend. Always remember that. If you've been dating your boyfriend for a long time and know his parents well, and they knew it was your birthday, ....and she does buy birthday gifts, it was kind of rude. But she may be the type who doesn't buy gifts for boy/girlfriends, only sons and daughters in law.

This is something you need to discuss with your boyfriend and see if there's a problem you're unaware of or if this is the norm.

As for me, only boys here....short term girlfriends gets a smallish gift. Long term girlfriends gets a nice gift, a DIL gets spoiled more than I do my boys! :)