So today I added a bucket of the smelly gunk that I could scoop out of the pond, some leaves, and kitchen scraps. Will get more pond gunk this weekend if it warms up some. It was a little chilly out there tonight, to be mucking around in the pond. Could turn my bins today, mostly thawed. Emptied finished compost from the smaller pile into the almost finished compost in the other bin. Was very Happy and oh so pleased with my pile, my bins are about 3'square and one is now full of lovely 90% usuable compost, plus one very big fat mouse. Probably should have added her to the pile but couldn't do it. No where near what others can produce here but Im still pleased :-)Frogged

Maryv & others, You can find how to join on Facebook. See you there. There are now 124 members since the website was posted on Facebook. I hope there are more from here who join also. Barb Here is a link that might be useful: Jennifer Chiaverini's Facebook Page This post was edited by gram999 on Thu, Mar 21, 13 at 12:26

Estellecm, If I have my math right, your DH was probably 20-21 years old when his oldest son was born. I am assuming that his deceased wife was that boy's mother, along with the younger two boys. One could assume that he met his first wife when he was maybe 18 or 19 years old --- not much older than his oldest son is now. His wife died VERY suddenly, during an event that should have been full of nothing but joy, the birth of his third child. He was unexpectedly left a widower with three children...a newborn and another child, not yet a toddler. His oldest son could not have been much older than the middle son is now. This is a lot for one person to handle. I suspect your DH was so busy trying to care for his boys, he may not have had the time or opportunity to grieve for the loss of his wife. He is telling you as much when he says "You don't know what I went through." What time of year did she die? When is the youngest son's birthday? I cannot imagine what that must be like for him...on the one hand, you would want to celebrate the birth of your baby; on the other hand, it would also mark the anniversary of the death of your wife. This cannot be easy for him. He may feel some responsibility for her death, irrational as that may be...if he hadn't gotten her pregnant, she wouldn't have gone through labor, she wouldn't have hemorrhaged, and she'd still be alive. Posttraumatic Stress is called "post" for a reason; someone can be symptom free for a very long time before something in the environment triggers recall of the trauma; you wrote you will try to talk to him like civilized adults and then "the tears appear." The first criteria in considering a diagnosis of PTSD is "the person experienced, witnessed, or was confronted with an event or events that involved actual or threatened death or serious injury, or a threat to the physical integrity of self or others." Another symptom of PTSD is "irritability or outbursts of anger." Another symptom of PTSD is a "sense of a foreshortened future." Why discipline your kids if life is short? What is the harm in letting your kids watch movies rated for 16 year olds? None of us is going to live forever, afterall. His wife bled to death during childbirth. I do not know if your husband ever sought out professional help (or even a support group) following his wife's death. He was probably in shock, functioning just enough to provide minimal care for himself and his children; he may have been too busy just trying to survive. Now may be the time for him to explore what the impact of the death of his wife has been. At some level, he has to re-live the trauma of her death every year at his baby boy's birthday. For the sake of his children, his marriage and his own, I hope he will put his big boy panties on and go get help in learning more healthy ways to regulate his emotions. I hope you can help him in this healing process.

There's one more point I want to make about the "is it or isn't it an insult?" type of comments that could, theoretically, go either way. Once you mention the back-hand jabs as a problem, and lay it out there on the table as an issue, you run the risk of having *everything* that *everyone* says run over with a fine-toothed comb and *searched* for snide meaning. In other words, the hyper-vigilance to it ---all around, on everyone's part--- can go too far. It all depends on your intention and goal when you raise the issue. Unless you make a real point, to yourself, to DH and to SD, that you are raising the issue in the interest of probing beyond it to find out what the real issues are and resolve them openly & honestly, it will quickly turn into a tit-for-tat game and a constantly hyper-vigilant, hyper-sensitive atmosphere. I've been on both sides of this. As I said before, my SM is the queen of this back-hand insulting jab thing. And a few times, I admit, I've been tempted to resort to it myself with her. Again, because I have felt so powerless to say *anything* is even remotely an issue (b/c the invalidation and banishment was so hard the very few times I ever dared to speak up about anything) and out of hurt & anger in being so unable to speak up freely. It's stinky behavior, regardless. The few times I've done it I've known exactly what I was doing (and I know she did too) and I felt momentarily satisfied, but in the long-run I just felt a sense of sliminess and dread at how she would retaliate... It's a no-win game. But the worst part is when you start getting your words twisted around and recited back to you, with new nasty meanings read into things you REALLY, TRULY didn't mean to be insults. This happens when the person now feels like THEY, TOO can complain and put YOU in the position of looking like the mean double-speaker. The end result is that now NOBODY feels comfortable saying anything, for fear of how the worst possible meaning will be read into it. This is why it's so important to have the right goals & intentions before you make an issue out of anything... it isn't JUST to be a mature cooperative person, it's also to protect yourself from someone who may not be ready to quit playing games, who, in fact, may get the idea of escalating the game. Unless the underlying issue is resolved which has one or more parties feeling like they have to resort to these games, the game will go on... whether you say something to DH or not and whether he does/says anything about it or not. The game will last, basically, as long as the real underlying issue lasts. The only way, in that case, to be the bigger person (as well as cover your ass) is to learn how to call her out on her words in a way that simultaneously: -is nice (hence you don't come off like a prickly princess looking for a fight) -gives her the option of telling you what her issue is in a straightforward way (that means no guilt trips, power trips, punishments, banishments, shaming or invalidating when/if she ever dares to speak honestly about her feelings) -responds to her feelings/needs/issues with some offer of either a compromise, if possible, or just empathy/understanding her plight if compromise isn't possible -keeps gently but assertively questioning the precise meaning of the words in her jab until they're clear -ultimately makes the back-hand jab no fun for her because she'll realize that each time she does it she has to go thru this whole process of explaining what she meant, which she will not be able to do very well if it's an insult -hence it will be embarassing to her if it's an insult she meant, and frustrating that she can't "win" at that game, and she will have to quit it. But hopefully she'll learn that honest communication is better becasue she has nothing to fear from it The thing is, though, that if it turns out to be NOT a jab, and with time if you see that the jabs are stopping, then it's only fair that you ease up on the calling-her-out and questioning-her-every-word tactics. The hyper-vigilance should only last as long as it takes to get the truth to come out, safely, with no punishments or retaliation attached to it, and the issue finally resolved. The way I see it, this is the only way to keep it from escalating (or going even more "under the radar", as the case may be). If YOU become a model of honest, open communication and do your part (you can't do all of it youself) to make it clear that she has no reason to have to resort to low tactics, the situation should improve. That said, DH and SD need to do the same. If everyone's not ready to give up the game (including if the DH likes the game b/c it's less confrontation), it will go on (which is why this kind of dynamic is so rampant), but it can at least be made LESS BAD if any one person adjusts their reactions and has the right intentions.